The Redshirts Defend Canterlot

by The Original Gaston

The Redshirts Defend Canterlot

Roseluck looked out on the city of Canterlot in despair as hundreds of changelings tore through the walls, and then through the Royal Guards. She gasped in horror as the bugs started to secrete a green sticky goo that covered Equestria's Finest from head to hoof. The guards struggled as the changelings started to go after civilians, tying them up and putting them in cocoons as well.

Oh where had it all gone wrong? Was it in the ignorance of the heroes of Equestria to Twilight Sparkle's suspicions? The lack of communication between the Princesses hindering the detection of the masquerading Princess Cadance? The utter absence of the Lunar Princess? Or maybe it was some innate aspect of the average pony? A natural default to helplessness? An utter lack of weapons or even technological advancement prehaps?

No... it was because the Royal Guards were about as useful as sandpaper underpants.

Rose needed to run, now. She galloped through the streets as explosions from the changeling's magic burst from nearby buildings, showering the streets with dust and debris. With a mixture of luck and skill, the pony managed to jump over the smouldering carnage, ducking under flying debris and screaming guards. With a hop, skip, and a jump, Roseluck hid herself inside a rubbish can, peering fearfully out and beholding the destruction before her.

Nothing could've prepared her for what came next.

In a flash of yellow light that looked strangely like glitter being stirred in water, hundreds of bipedal creatures appeared around the city. They wore magnificent red shirts, with a strange triangular insignia on the left breast. In their hands they held a strange device, a black box with a handle seemingly made for their furless minotaur-like claws that ended in a silver cylinder with a short antennae sticking out. The changelings hovered in stunned silence for a few seconds, before screeching and dive-bombing the anomalous humans.

The redshirts retaliated by pointing their weapons in an awkward and dramatic way at their enemies. At the last moment, they squeezed the triggers of their weapons and red, sparkly beams shot out from their phasers in a strangely slow and below-lightspeed manner. The changelings took a bad hit, many of the bugs were vaporized and many more were injured. The enemy attacked the redshirts, many taking direct hits. Roseluck watched in confusion as one of the humans took a glancing blow to his leg with a inconsequentially small piece of pavement. He screamed in pain, clutching his chest (for reasons Rose couldn't fathom) before dropping onto his knees and rolling over dead.

In the battle, many of the redshirts wrestled ineffectively with their changeling adversaries. Some tripped and fell flat on their faces, never getting up again. Even more were flung into nearby crates. Every single one them seemed to have rolled over and died in the most dramatic way possible. Even when blasts were nowhere near them, they still flung themselves to the streets and died. When the smoke cleared, there were no redshirts left to speak of. The changelings grinned to themselves, and Rose gasped in despair.

Then, five more columns of light appeared, similar in glitter appearance to the ones that had flashed before the redshirts had tried to save the day. Out of them appeared five more bipeds. Unlike their predecessors, these ones had different coloured uniforms from the first. Two wore yellow shirts with the same triangle insignia. One stood up front of the line made from the other four, Rose could only assume he was the leader. The other was probably the shortest of the rest, couldn't have been much more than a teenager. Two others wore blue uniforms, both standing side by side. One had a strange box and also possessed the most curious pointy elven ears on the sides of his head (instead of on top, as any intelligent creature with pointy ears should have, therefore Roseluck assumed this one was the least intelligent of the group). The second had nothing much remarkable other than a mole on his cheek. The last one wore a red shirt, therefore, Rose's hope for him was not high.

The leader shouted something patriotic, ripping his uniform as he did so. He then threw his phaser aside and charged the changelings with nothing but his bare fists. The enemy was taken by surprise and the head changeling took one of Kirk's fists of fury to his noggin, sending the changeling sprawling backwards into the swarm. The enemy fired and Rose held her breath, shutting her eyes. She opened them, however, when she heard the sound of continued phaser fire. She was dumbfounded to find that each and every shot from the changeling line had missed the five mysterious officers. The unintelligent blue one touched every changeling's neck, killing very effectively (of course, Roseluck had thought, the stupid one brute forces his way through the enemy). Before long, the five heroes stood triumphantly over a pile of smoking, groaning changelings as the sun rose behind them.

Captain Kirk wiped a small trail of blood from his lips before striding into the wedding chapel confidently.
"I don't know how you managed to defeat my changelings, alien!" Queen Chrysalis spat at the captain, "But all I know is that, no matter what dark magicks you may posses! You shall never defeat me!"

Captain Kirk brushed his handsome hairstyle back, before grinning romantically at the Queen of the Changelings.
"I don't... need to... defeat... you, honey," he said suavely.

Later that day...

The beat rocked through the wedding reception as Roseluck watched with curiosity as Captain Kirk and his crew jammed it out at the front of the party. Queen Chrysalis sat at a table at the side of the stage, thoroughly reformed and smitten with Captain Kirk. The real Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armour danced it out as well, eternally thankful to the crew of the Enterprise for their aid against the changeling horde.

Roseluck's eyes wandered to the bride's gorgeous gown and Shining Armour's flowing royal uniform. Rose's eyes widened as an aspect of the Prince's wardrobe struck her. She bit her lip in fear as she looked at the shirt Shining Armour was wearing.

It was red.

She dived out of the crowd, determined to save the Prince from whatever disaster was about to bring about his doom. Just before she reached him however, she kicked up a stray pebble which smacked a table leg which shook a wine bottle which shot it's cork out and beaned Shining Armour right in the back of his head. Everypony and every human in the crowd gasped as Shining Armour collapsed right on the dance floor. One of the blue shirted humans (the smart one, not the one with the pointy ears) ran over to Shining's side, pulling out a scanner and preforming a diagnosis.

The Captain ran over to the doctor's side and McCoy looked at him with despair in his eyes.

"He's dead, Jim."

Author's Note:

I was thinking of making a sequel to this...

Something along the lines of: "The Stormtroopers Face Down Sombra"

Comments

[Mr cold ghost]

Ha hahhahha! I love this!

[RuneStone]

That gave me a good laugh.

[Ri2]

Something along the lines of: "The Stormtroopers Face Down Sombra"

DO IT.

[The dragon hunter]

Things would have gone differently with Archer and a team of MACOs...

[Sarraceno]

Really loving Roseluck's way to analyze the newcomers, Poor Spock.

Fun fic

[The Original Gaston]

9233170
Sure, I'll get around to it soon.

[Ecuos Oinocernos]

Redshirt and Stormtrooper are having a duel.
Stormtrooper shots and misses.
Redshirt dies anyway.
P.S. Sorry guys, that was obligatory joke.

[aline1]

9233170

Hmm amusingly I think the stormtroopers might actually win as they only seem to fail to hit the heroes but seem to have no problem killing or destroying anything else they target.

[Bojack H]

storm trropers vs crystal empire
"so their big ships dropped giant robot camels which then dropped smaller ships which a horde of white armored guys came out of and then fired hundreds of millions of bolts of light but oddly missed literally everything of importance."

[Bojack H]

9233543
you sir have finally solved the age old debate of star wars vs star trek, the cylons win.

[The Original Gaston]

9233654
Imma gonna use that one...

[ace_attorneyfan800]

Damn it Shining Armor! Don't you know wearing Red is basically asking to get killed when Star Trek is involved?!

[Senko_wermacht_division]

Red shirts good name

[The Original Gaston]

9233176
I'm sorry, but I'm not very well versed in... many things that may make people gawk at me for not knowing about.

With that said, what are you talking about?

[Fizzy_Pop73]

Not only did you get me to laugh out loud, you got some snorts out of me as well. Take my fake internet point. +1

[witegrlninja]

Of course Captain Kirk has to seduce Chrysalis...

More!

[The dragon hunter]

9234042
Just a reference to characters from Star Trek Enterprise. Contrarily to the red shirts of the older series, the MACOs were actually competent combat units that didn't drop dead at the slightest breeze.

[NoWrongWayToFantasize]

Heh, the useless versus the even more useless. Good idea. +1

[Crystal Static]

images.chesscomfiles.com/uploads/images_users/tiny_mce/RoguePlays/phpGir67x.jpeg

~Crystalline Electrostatic~

[WorldWalker128]

Oh-ho! THIS one is going to be good!
-
*Now has read it*
This was beautiful!

[WorldWalker128]

9233654
Oh come on,that's not entirely fair. They DID manage to blow up the shield generator on Hoth, right? Granted it was the size of a small hill....We can't all be tie-fighter pilots or part of the plot of the Shadows of the Empire game!

[CoffeeMinion]

Giggleworthy.

[Alondro]

*Alondro blinks... then smiles... the smile grows wider and wider... parents cover their children's eyes and flee from the horrendous visage...*

I believe I shall find this most amusing.

[VTek44]

9233654
I'd say the First Order would be more successful, provided the following:

1) Let the women handle it. Grand Admiral Sloan and Captain Phasma often seem like the most competent leaders the FO has.
2) Keep Kylo Ren out of it. (For that matter, keep Hux and Snoke out as well)

[Soothing Stone]

I'm in tears. This was the best thing I've ever seen. Of course Kirk saw Bug Pone Queen and seduced her.

AND MAKE THAT STORMTROOPERS STORY

[Bojack H]

9235054
I'm pretty sure pinkie could beat kylo ren with a hug. the guy is one hug short of an emotional breakdown.

[Zapper Frost]

i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/173/576/Wat8.jpg?1315930535

[VTek44]

9235278
My point exactly!

[VTek44]

....and now for something really meta:

"Stay away from the Princesses. And the Element Bearers. Avoid the Narrative. The next time you’re going to get sucked in for sure. And then it's all over for you!"

Thank you John Scalzi!

[Bojack H]

9235387
I really wish that book had stayed with the premise...

[VTek44]

9235610
Ha! You got the reference! Kudos!

[Claw in Cursive]

Great story. There's one improvement I could spot, though.

"I don't need to defeat you, honey," he said suavely.

"I... don't need to... defeat you... honey," he said suavely.

[The Original Gaston]

9235808
I shall fix it immediately!

[Alondro]

Just blow up a Genesis device inside a nebula (Preferably on a ship piloted by somebody named KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!), load Shining into a photon tube and then launch him to the surface! He'll be revived!

Just make sure you don't stick his soul into McCoy first. Then you have to do some weird scene on Vulcan to put it back.

[Black Ash]

The sad part is that when you analyse all the enterprise captain's careers, statistically you have better life exprctancy under captain Kirk.

[Zaten the Changeling]

This is hilarious, even to a purely Star Wars fan.

Being said pure Star Wars fan, I require the sequel, please, because STORMTROOPERS!

[The Original Gaston]

9395560
Done it already:

The Stormtroopers Face Down Sombra

[Zaten the Changeling]

9396036
Oh my god thank you so much

[Yutah123]

You know what they say.

"If you're going to die, die with style. Or drama. Die with drama.”

[Kain26831]

I just have to say thank you for this

[PuppetXMaster]

comedy gold

[Dewdrops on the Grass]

I wasn't sure I thought this was all that funny until I saw the ending. Then I couldn't stop laughing. Well done.

[Shadowkey392]

Love it!

[Ellery Quinn]

Awesome story!