Come Running

LateToTheParty

LateToTheParty #1 · Dec 15th, 2018 · · ·

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[love confession] + [life or death situation] = [most delicious SciSet confession]

The Iguana Man

The Iguana Man #2 · Dec 17th, 2018 · · ·

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Hmm... okay, an interesting start... or should that be middle? Or end? Well, whatever the case, it's certainly an intriguing snippet from a larger narrative (even if only a hypothetical one at this stage) and I'd be interested to see where it goes if expanded into a full work.

As it is, though... well, I feel the lack of buildup kind of hurts it. I like the idea of the confession in the midst of mortal danger - the whole "almost never got a chance to say..." thing - and the confession is very nice on its own. However, the fact that their affections haven't been mentioned beyond allusion up til that point means the impact is somewhat diluted. The fact that most of it is said in retrospect - essentially telling us what they've been feeling (admittedly the point of a confession, but still) rather than showing it - compounds this. Rather than feeling like the culmination of a friendship blossoming into a romance after almost being cut horribly short, it feels just like an event that is then explained. Again, the confession works well enough, just not as strongly as I think it should.

The idea of the villain is kind of the same - there's a lot said about her, but it's all presented like secondhand information. Now, to be fair, the format of the story does limit what you can do with them: because I know this is currently just a one-shot, I know that she's not going to appear or be especially important to the rest of the story, so she doesn't feel mysterious so much as nebulous - I don't wonder who she is or what she can do because neither matter. If this was an In Medias Res prologue to a story that then went back and showed how this all started, she might work quite well (though would need a lot less detail to maintain that mystery), but as is, she's just kind of a thing.

Overall, I do somewhat like this and I'd be interested in seeing if this goes anywhere, but it feels like it could be a lot more.

CousinBraeburn00

CousinBraeburn00 #3 · Dec 17th, 2018 · · ·

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9351857
Thank you very much for this input. I appreciate it!

Like I had mentioned, it was just something I was playing around with. I'm just glad to have actually typed something out, whether it be a one-shot or not. I do admit I feel the second half of this piece is especially weakened. If I were to turn this into something longer, I would definitely rework this scene (if it happened at all), and polish it up. But that's still just a "what if" at the moment.

But anyway, thank you again! Also, thank you for the favorite.

Shadow_Wolf

Shadow_Wolf #4 · Dec 31st, 2018 · · ·

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Nice little story here. Good job

Vaguely Demented

Vaguely Demented #5 · Jan 1st, 2019 · · ·

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Gotta wonder what the paramedics would make of a magic inflicted wound.

CousinBraeburn00

CousinBraeburn00 #6 · Jan 2nd, 2019 · · ·

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9379715
I like to imagine one would treat it similar to a stab wound. Though the paramedics in that town are probably used to seeing odd, magical wounds and just take it with a grain of salt now.

Vaguely Demented

Vaguely Demented #7 · Jan 2nd, 2019 · · ·

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9380068
Fair enough.

Alwaysthatoneguy

Alwaysthatoneguy #8 · Apr 16th, 2019 · 2 · ·

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Bravo!

Seriously, super well written. At first, I was just enjoying the fact that your paragraphs were some long, some short, some super long, etc. Things felt broken up and fluid, but any mistakes you did make (that I consider mistakes) aren't worth mentioning because you wrote this so well. I was hooked from early on -- thinking, this one knows how to use their words -- and then you wrote something like, " ... everything you do, everything you say, makes my heart palpitate ... " Damn, when I read that, my heart palpitated in awe.

So I say again,
Bravo!

ScisetShimmerEvan

ScisetShimmerEvan #9 · Nov 7th, 2021 · 1 · ·

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Sunset contemplated Twilight's earlier words, frowning. What did the nerd think she was going to do? Sit on her ass while some potentially dangerous - well, actually dangerous, if her injuries were anything to go by - woman threatens her friends? She had gone alone only because she hadn't thought magic would come into the picture, especially not this sort of volatile, dark magic. And also because her friends had begged her not to go, so she knew she hadn't had any choice but to do it alone. Never once had she imagined the night's meeting ending with the stranger throwing a bolt of pure magic into her, ripping through her left side and leaving her skidding across the ground while the woman made an escape. Sunset herself was supposed to be the intimidating one, remember? Extremely luckily for her, Rainbow Dash had more or less read her actions after the conversation, and convinced the others Sunset had something stupid planned.

Now that explains the bad injury, damn!

Twilight finished with a sharp exhale. She hadn't met Sunset's eyes, but her hand was still held to her cheek. Sunset was speechless beneath it. Hearing those words, that Twilight- sweet, endearing, nerdy, beautiful Twilight- was in love with her? Her, Sunset Shimmer- loud, bratty, ex-villain Sunset Shimmer? This wasn't real, she had died from her injuries and gone to some kind of heaven, right? Yet Twilight's soft hand on her face felt real enough. So therefore Sunset said the most intelligent thing she had surely ever said.

It might be a lot to take in but it sure makes the situation a bit more position even if sunset's life is on the line.

But then Twilight's lips were on hers, Twilight's hands were cupping her face, Twilight was all that she could see and all that she could breathe. So Sunset kissed her back, and placed a hand at her waist to draw her closer. Twilight's lips were amazingly soft as they fit against hers, this way and then another. As desperately as she wanted this to last, Sunset still wasn't in top shape and reluctantly pulled back, although with an extremely satisfied smile commanding her face. The other girl's hands left her face though, in fact, they slid up through her hair and around to the nape of her neck, while she rested their foreheads together.

Good timing if you ask me.