A Story in Which Various Nobles Petition Celestia for Tax Breaks, and She is Annoyed
Down and down and down she fell into the spiral of despair. Each lord and lady that came demanding tax breaks pushed Princess Celestia further to the brink of madness, and once again she questioned whether establishing an open court to listen to the concerns of ponies she actively despised had really been a good idea.
The line was endless. Literally. They queued up to her throne room like this all day, every day. Then the queue would continue well into the night to bother Luna, who often shortened its length by a sadly insignificant amount by performing random executions on the petitioners. And all the way over in the Crystal Empire, Cadance worked on the queue from the other end, which only really served to confuse matters; nopony knew anymore where the queue began or ended.
Legend said that the middle of the queue had been there so long that all the lords and ladies in it had merged into a single being. The old earth pony myths claimed that the nobles' coats there had fused to become the patchwork skin of a great serpent, their minds joining to become a gestalt entity that spoke in a legion of voices, and that this serpent would one day swallow the world and end taxation forever.
But earth ponies were dumb, so that probably wasn't the case. Celestia was sure she would've heard about it otherwise. Probably.
"Next," said the Royal Guard manning the door, causing Princess Celestia to sigh and contemplate abdication for the tenth time that day.
A monocled unicorn stallion with a top hat walked in, a permanent sneer affixed to his face below his little patch of a moustache.
"Lord Puppy Stomper of House Tyranny," the guard announced.
The new arrival made Celestia sit up, a joyful glint in her eyes. She was thankful to finally be dealing with a more reasonable pony, particularly one who had so far not broached the topic of taxes with her. True, Lord Puppy Stomper was no saint, but compared to the rest of the nobility, he was a'ight.
Lord Puppy Stomper bowed deeply.
"Your highness."
"You may rise," Celestia said with sunny smile, as he did just that. "It is good to see you again, Lord Puppy Stomper. What would you have of me this day?"
"Likewise," he said, speaking in that same gruff and haughty manner that he always did. "And I come before you today because I wish to enact a genocide of all earth ponies."
"Oh?" Celestia's interest was piqued now.
"Yes. They have become unruly in my lands, attempting an uprising against me, for what purpose I cannot discern. They complain that I take all of their food, burn their villages, and violate their wives, but that is just what nobility were born to do!" He gave an indignant stomp of his hoof. "I cannot tolerate their treasons any further, and I wish to have their race exterminated."
"From just your territory?" asked Celestia. "Or...?"
"No. Across all of Equestria. It is the only way to be sure that this will not happen again."
She leaned back in her throne, chewing on a pencil as she considered the idea.
"Hmm...."
Celestia glanced aside, and noticed the earth pony Royal Guard standing beside her throne. Sweat beaded upon his brow, as he shot the princess a pleading look. She licked her lips, imagining what he would taste like roasted with honey and chestnuts.
Finally, she came to a decision.
"Well... alright. I don't see any real reason why not to."
"Thank you, your highness."
Lord Puppy Stomper again bowed deeply, and Celestia gave him a genial smile in return. However, as he began to walk out of the throne room and towards the exit, he stopped. With a slight fumbling, he turned back around and returned to his previous position in front of Celestia.
"Actually, if it's not too bold, your highness, I did have one additional request. See, I've already begun constructing the gallows for the work, but according to the current system, since capital punishment is not strictly legal for any but your royal self or the other princesses to authorise, I could only list it under 'public works'. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the tax code for public works, but it is quite exorbitant. Might you possibly...?"
There were tears forming in Celestia's eyes.
I trusted you, she thought. And you betrayed me.
"Guards! Seize him!"
Lord Puppy Stomper spluttered in surprise as a pair of nearby Royal Guards rushed in and grabbed him by all four legs, while a third quickly fetched a restraining ring and fitted it around his horn.
"Take this vile filth to the dungeons and waterboard him," said Celestia, her tears of betrayal now falling freely down her cheeks.
"What? No! Nooooooo!" cried Lord Puppy Stomper.
The Royal Guards dragged him away literally kicking and screaming. As his cries echoed into the distance and the hall fell silent, Celestia slumped back in her throne. Her assistant, a meek little mare sitting on a cushion beside her, carefully set down her writing implements and regarded her princess with an uncertain but sympathetic look.
"Ummm... your highness?"
"Abolish the nobility," Celestia mumbled under her breath. "Immediately. I thought that in Lord Puppy Stomper, I knew at least one of their number that would not ask me for tax breaks... but I was wrong. Luna was right, there is no redeeming their kind. Cancel that last order about the earth ponies, and have Lord Puppy Stomper's gallows repurposed for him and the rest of the nobility. I want them all executed before the end of the week."
"Your highness!" the little mare protested. "How shall you run the country without them?"
"You know, I don't care. We'll figure it out. But I cannot tolerate the continued existence of the nobility any more. Just who in Equestria do they think they are?"
"Umm..." the mare shrunk away. "Well... they're the Aristocrats."
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I feel vaguely ashamed of not seeing that ending coming.
I also feel vaguely ashamed of reading the story, so there we have it.
In all seriousness, a delightfully absurd kiloword. Thank you for it.
Just wait until Celestia realizes that because she rules Equestria, she is in fact nobility, and her exemption from taxes counts as a tax break so she detonates the sun in an effort to end her own life. On a serious note: gas the dirt ponies.
One more for the “It’s all Oliver’s fault!” bookshelf.
Viva Le Revolution!
Too bad about Puppy Stomper though. He would have helped me opened a brand new restaurant that serves exclusively earth ponies. Oh well.
Wait... just the husbands? The wives aren't complaining?
... Sounds more like thats their problem then the nobles
9355278
Of course not. who do you think she is, Hermaeus Mora?
Fuck, you get a favorite for that ending. Well done!
She just broke, and she can take a looooonnngg break. Good thing Celestia cancel that order, or I have a bone to pick with her.
"You lay upon the blood soaked death of your ruined land, castles plundered, dominions in ruin, servants destroyed, all to end the hellfire with which you sought to cover the world. A bloody conquest having consumed hundreds of thousands, countless villages razedto the ground, and over twenty thousand impaled and prostrated by you and you alone, to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men! WHAT SAY YOU!? MONSTER! DEMON! DEVIL CONCEIVED BY THE BLEAKEST WOMB! WHAT SAY YOU NOW!?"
"...The Aristocrats"
This is too good, this is great, here is your well deserved like and favorite
Got an idea about tax breaks.
Let there be an auction, where you can bid to buy yourself a tax break. And there is a limited number of them every month, or year.
In effect, they still pay the same money, maybe even more if the price get risen enough. But they get to say they pay no taxes all the same
9355980
Actually… Assuming that at the auction you pay with a lump sum you obtain through credit, and the auction is held before the start of the tax year, while taxes are paid after the end of the tax year, this could even make economic sense.
9354951 Mud ponies are useful for feeding my pet hydra.
Gurren Lagann?
9355278 Yeah, you don't stomp on puppies!
They make really useful shark bait!
Like the late Lord Puppy Stomper, this story was "a'ight".
But that's about it going for it.
9354977
Wait... are the Earth Ponies customers or food?
9356264
Food, duh. The most refine, cultured food. Delicious, succulent, exclusive.
Uhhhh
This was fun. Weird, but fun ^^.
This is absolutely wonderful and I am running off a hard copy.
I didn't authorize this.
9356963
You can't tell me what to do. You're not my real dad.
What the buck did I read...?
So was all of that for the ending, or was the ending merely icing on the cake?
9357155
You read perfection.
9355517
"It's orientation day!"
I know it's really unrelated, but that ending reminded me of one of Gilbert Gotfried's famous bits...
<gets to the end>
Motherfucker.
You get an upvote..... asshole.
You know you’re having a bad day when someone who wishes to advocate genocide on a third of the population and is literally called “Lord Puppy Stomper of House Tyranny” gets a smile of relief.
Also you forgot about Fancy Pants. The guy that isn’t a complete and utter dick.
9355024
2 downvotes... I have offended.
It feels good to accomplish things in life
Poor Lord Strawman, I feel like he never really got a fair shake.
I busted up laughing in the break room at work for this one.
-
I'm assuming the last line was a joke....but I don't get it.
9550981
It's my variation on this.
9551703
Oh. I see.
HA.... And some think I'm a monster
9775364
You know this means you need to up your game then Yes?
9871552
BIG TIME!
9871775
.....How about a G3.5 marathon for your enemies?
9873127
........ I'm taking your idea and making it mine.
9873607
.....Okay have fun.
9873611
I'm a villain.... we always have the most fun.
9874441
Except when the Hero's are ruining your plans yes?
9876336
Sad.... but true.
9877218
Least your Immortal.....
9877380
Indeed.
Well that was insanely funny.