- Member Since 8th Jun, 2012
- offline last seen January 17th
The Storyteller world
What is life but a story with an infinite possible endings. Care to see where yours goes?
The Storyteller world
Joined 8th Jun, 2012 ·
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Other than a few miss-spelling, it's a good start.
9374212
Thank you for the comment! As was already written it is my first. Could you point out where some were to make it shine better?
At first I thought of everyone's favorite hero turned bad guy handsome jack was going to be the main character but even though it isn't its still good
Kid. No.
Get rid of the "It's my first story ever plz be nice" in the description, rookie mistake. Also, basic grammar mistakes in the description. Question mark in the end, capitalize every sentence. There's more I could touch on but I'd just be mean.
Really applejack do you have to punch him after he saved dinky stubborn mare
Just read both chapters and one thing I got to say is he jumps into danger without thinking (which is not the problem within its self ) but that leads into why did he jump into a fight with a mythical creature that I'm assuming is much larger than him (forgot if you said anything about its size ). He's quite lucky he got a boost in his abilities because if not he would have died within 2-3 minutes of coming into this new world.
Would have liked to see a brief training period to see him test his new abilities such as climb a tree with ease, break rocks and boulders, run, maybe react faster to a falling branch or something of that nature to clue him and the reader he's not a normal human being anymore. Because he just manhandles this thing as if its a toy dog with no fear or hesitation. I would also say he doesn't show much personality other than the sweet nice guy and I find that much too boring. He also takes everything way too easy going for finding out he just died and there's a cosmic entity that just does what he wants with peoples souls to relieve his boredom, and that the multiverse theory is true or some form of it is true being plopped into a new world and seeing a new a sentient life that's an amalgamation of horse and human.
I think it's still too early to say if your hook on why he's here has a strong base but at the moment it has promise being a link back to Hercules and the Greek mythology.
I could go more into the nit-picky stuff but I think this is fine for now.
9374859
Thank you for the comment and you are right about how the character acts as sort of just 'Nice guy' but its because i have already in place WHY he's thats along with the character is loosely based on an old friend of mine that would always jump to help others even if it put his life into danger ( he ended up in the hospital more then once because of this) along with skills that he already had before dying. stay tooned and i promise more will start fitting.
9374882
when you say
the character is loosely based on an old friend of mine that would always jump to help others even if it put his life into danger ( he ended up in the hospital more then once because of this) along with skills that he already had before dying.do you mean Jack having skills before dying or your friend? Because how it's written it could be seen both ways.
But when I brought up the 'Nice Guy' mark it was more or less saying he's overly polite for no reason for example at the hospital, he should be more confused or scared, untrusting, or maybe even defensive but the first thing that came out his mouth was
"Am I that scary, guards are needed miss." Jack asked putting on his best smile to hopefully not scare them.
at face value it seems like he's just trying to ease the tension, or how I see the situation which I find more disturbing (to me it feels like he's just plastered on a big fake smile)
then when he finds out the princesses are coming in to meet with him "The princesses will be notified you are awake and they will decide what happens next." implying there could be some sort of a negative outcome his reaction is.
"Wait, princesses as in royalty. Oh i do not look good enough i haven't even had a bath yet i probably smell horrible!"
the first thing he's worried about is other people's perception of him. Now that could be just him but that still doesn't show us who he is other then he's nice and polite to the point where he could be overcompensating. But both those examples could just be him throwing out a sarcastic joke to ease the tension but it doesn't come off that way, it sounds like he's being serious. and if he is being serious it's almost coming off as him being a Sociopath.
Or maybe I'm looking far too deep into this and seeing things that are not even there.
But can you see my point of view on his lack of personality being display In the first two chapters distorting my view of the character?
9375165
My friend.
And think of it as a coping mechanism as chapter three will show more character then just nice guy and give a reason why behind how he acts that ill be more detailing in future chapters. Again I can completely see what you are saying and i'm actually happy someone is looking at him so critically but the first two chapters are more me setting the sheet of characters that you'll see the most of then going into the minds of them.
Can't wait for the next chapter
9375661
thank you I plan to have it out soon.
You called him jake (and yes, you used a lower case j) at one point. I am intrigued to see
where this goes.
9376288
Such sharp eyes you have. Thanks for the point out and I can only hope I can satisfy your curiosity.
ur 1st story is a good story
Where’s Piccolo?
9377688
thank you for catching it.
Did it again. Remembered to capitalize this time so, progress.
9378172
I'm sorry where is the problem in that quote as all spots are capitalized?
9378180
Nah, man, the problem is you called him Jake again and again a couple paragraphs later
9377710
I would have caught it but he got it first. I actually used that in a comment once.
HAH! Talk about a good old beat down for a morning routine
9378449
There we go that should be a fix and I do see what you mean. no need to say his name every time if he's not being interrupted
Okay, I can finally stop pretending I have a life. My thoughts on this chapter so far.
I still think this guy is a sociopath possibly even a psychopath but I'll get to that later.
I feel like there are not enough details in some descriptions leaving it feeling flat or rushed, Ex "Twilight." Jack said being dragged by the excited girl. Unless you read from chapter to chapter people may forget twilight yanked him from the hospital doors, but yet we don't know where Twilight is heading towards or how far they got before her friends caught up or if Twilight was even talking to him about something or just mumbling to herself about... Twilight things.
And this "Sorry guys Jacks already told me i should slow down and brought up that we should show him around." Twilight replied looking at the group sheepishly We just read Jack saying something very similar to that and in normal everyday life people repeat themselves and repeat others constantly but in book format that's completely redundant and unneeded and in some cases it just feels for lack of a better word wooden for the readers.
This is more of a pet peeve of mine Jack asked hopefully with a chuckle, looking at the group as they laughed with him. It sounds like he's just having a small chuckling but everybody else is uproar with laughter. It comes across like the two parties are laughing at two different intensities at this little joke.
{She said marching on the group [as they] quickly following behind} {you seem to be handling this whole dying and [new] world thing} forgot a few small words.
You see, when i was younger i got in a fight that almost killed me
but obviously you can see it didn't at least that one did not."that part is not needed and he makes it seems like he got killed in a fight and not from saving a little girlJack stated while stretching his arm "After I got out of the hospital I started looking at how my life was and what I had done so far and realized I wasn't living my full potential.I think this could be a strong character moment for him, because it seems like this fight that sent him to the hospital, was a strong turning Point in his life but we don't know if it was a negative point and he feels ashamed for what happened or a positive point that he see he became a much better person but whatever it was it forced him to look back on his life and change itOne of my siblings when i brought it up to them made me make a promise with them as they know I despise those who don't keep important promises that from then on I'd always look to the positive ways of things no matter the situation.""Is that why you smile so much."-- No" Jack said, the smile on his face shrinking a little as a sadness crept across his eyes. " Thats for a different promise. One just as important as the one I told you already." He finished a frown finally taking up his features as he looked at the ground. Shaking his head the smile returned " This is what I was talking about before about him overcompensating he goes from looking sad to have a frown on back to having a smile within a matter of seconds making it feel fake (at least to me) it seems like you're trying to portray him showing his motion through his eyes but always keeping a smile on for others so having him also showing emotion through his facial features seems a bit redundant and takes away from him as well.
The girls looked at each other with frowns on their face and questions behind their eyes before following the weird man. On entering they already found him chatting with Mrs.Cake and the twins All laughing at some joke he told them the girls had just missed. Man that must have been one fast joke because the girls just look at each other and he's finishing a joke. Plus i think you should leave the eye emotion thing to just Jack to keep that uniqueness to him (if that was what you were trying to go for).
the others just watching from a distant their jaws hanging open from how fast he was eating
Are they in shock, disgust, amazed, intrigued? They just have their mouth open as they watch him eat.Whipping his face he smiled weakly at the group Whipping X -> Wiping
a magenta hand slammed down on the table and a blade pressed to his neck. Tempest shot back pressing the knife harder to Jacks neck Jack rolled his eyes and looked as best as he could at the offending mare in question And this is what makes me think he falls into psychopath territory he has little to no reaction to a possible deadly situation his heart's not beating faster he's not getting any other adrenaline rush he's not going into a panic or going into a fight or flight state of mind he's just calm cool and collected. And this only strengthens my theory of him being either a psychopath or a sociopath when Tempest asked him have you ever killed before that what beings out an emotion shown as a deep scowl and he goes even further "as if a stranger said it and not the happy, smiling man just a moment ago" and he even pushes out a tear for this.
But an inconsistency with Twilight and her friends Tempest is ready to kill him on the spot in the publics eye in a bakery and possibly in front of children yet Twilight just said what the
should be inCelestia's name do you think you are doing! yet when they find out he killed in the past when he was in the military that's when they feel unsafe for some reasonTwilight should have a bigger explosion as to why Tempest goes to such an extreme form just out of nowhere
"Don't be. Soldiers recognize Soldiers." Jack said but something under it made Tempest shake
from her reaction why does it sound like that was a threat?
God damn, that took far longer then i thought it would but theres my thoughts on this.
P.s if my next one is somewhat this long would you rather have me send you a pm or leaving it as a comment is fine?
9378991
Well first off let me make this clear Thank you for the detailed problems this is exactly what i was looking for to help with my writing but lets go down the list.
1. The first point with him being dragged by Twilight you are absolutely right. The norm in stories here do have her excitedly talking or mumbling to herself. I'll get on fixing that after this comment.
2.again correct about the repeat it doesn't feel natural. let me see if I can word it better or if not I can just remove it.
3.The laughs are more like he is having an embarrassed laugh at himself but not loud enough to count as a full "laughter" while the girls aren't hindered by embarrassment.
4. totally agree with the words, sometimes i think so fast but the hands don't write it all.
5. The added statement is sort of a dark humor joke as he pokes some fun at himself.
6.Glad you like that see i'm not trying to dump the all the characters secrets with in the first few chapters I want to build it out keep some mystery to the character Jack
7. I have to counter this with "Haven't you ever had a moment where you were happy and smiling but then thought of a sad memory?" I know I personally have had moments being at a party but then a second later i'm sad because I thought of one of my past pets but having to push the thoughts and emotion away to smile for my friends. Thats where Jack matches as humans we can switch emotions or at least change our faces quickly.
8.There are tons of jokes you can say in just a few moments.
9.The eating yes I can see your point. It doesn't have the proper descriptions.
10.also see your point.
11.As is revealed later he was a soldier and has killed so he has a good grip on his emotions in regards to these situations and again I plan to flesh him out and give more backstory to his character I know scenes like these are a little strange but there WILL be chapters later where you'll get why.
12.Some soldiers can talk about their killings and others can't again he's human. If you've ever talked to a soldier or someone who's been in a war the psychological damage to them can sometimes be huge. Family or friends when they hear the person talk about it can remark that the soldier doesn't sound the same to the usual sound. (source) My uncle
13.That next part is mainly do to twilight and the girls usually knock out or detain bad guys but Tempest on the other hand once served the storm king and you can imagine a guy like that upgraded to mature audience probably told her to kill. And after they find out he's killed keep in mind they don't so hearing that come from an admittedly new person makes them tip the still fresh scale into bad guy territory for a time.
14.Not a threat as more of a I know what you've done statement again Storm king probably told her to kill before.
and there you go some agreements and counters with why's behind it. hope this helps you understand a little better and if you make anymore of these go right ahead.
Ohhh boy, that was awfully close to Tempting Murphy
9379930
who's to say he DIDN'T trigger Murphy
Ok, about Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle... their names consist of two seperate words. Al least according to both the wiki and the show credits.
I also noticed a small thing in the following sentences:
Missing a " at the start of this sentence.
I think you meant to use "where's" here.
Maybe I missed a few things, maybe I didn't. I can't say for sure. But all in all, this was not too bad. Just remember to pay attention to details, even small ones. :)
9380031
Im super happy you pointed out their names. Originally I wrote them capitalized properly but then I thought nah this can't be right and also thanks for the mistakes pointing them out.
9380049
Glad to help.
you don goofed Luna.
9380819
indeed
... you know, just saying 'Dodge' is more distracting than helpful.
That said, I have two questions:
Who's gonna lay down the pecking order?
What's the first rule of Popo's training?
9381060
no you see by the great and all powerful mercy of popo he's left this world to its own devices.
Damn it Tia, Luna can't force info out of someone like Jack it you do it would blow out of proportions like what just happen.
Stupid idiots they have no respect for privacy ot people's dark memories do they
9381884
Like come on. So what if i think about burning down the orphanage every Tuesday that doesn't mean i'm bad guy like gosh.
9381891
That is very dark of you to say that you know
9381895
how dare you judge me in the year of our lord 2019! /s
9381910
What I am confused right now
9381925
i've been joking with you on your comment about dark thoughts
May I ask how did u put up alot of chapters so fast. Are u not that busy with anything else?
9382010
I work at my family business and we are on the off season and generally I can make a chapter in about two-three hours so theres that as well. Why want me to slow down hmmmmmm🤔
Hey author
Can your character join my brothers in my chapter to happily fight for the emperor
9382017
Nope just surprised is all never expected someone to have this much done in short perionld of time its nice. Got used to people who can only afford to update a story once a week or a month. Um question though are u doing a herd story cause its heavily implied
9382023
sure if you give credit though his abilities aren;t fully out yet haha
9382024
I totally get what you mean and yes there will be herding but i'm not just going to make it like "And all the girls and guys fell madly in love and banged right after they met because he was hot" There will be build up and of course ill mark each section when clop is added.
9382035
Ok well are u going to have a poll as to who is going to be put in or do u have ones already thought of. And I agree with the whole slow romance thing
9382039
You know I didn't think of using a poll. got a nice site that I could use to make one?