I could count the number of books I had enjoyed since my arrival on my fingers. Ponies liked action and adventure far more than my innate love of drama and thrills. Of course, that meant a large portion of my time was spent working on other hobbies. That would change today. With the latest trade caravan, I had found a book I was hoping to enjoy. A travelers guide to Equestria that had all the best out of the way places mentioned and covered in full. Including my own little slice of heaven. I leaned up on the bar with a pencil held in my grip as I tapped the page with a photo of my home plastered on it. It was taken sometime after the pirates decided to attack. I knew this because a cannon was resting beside the front door.
I took in a deep breath, ready to weather whatever words that the author had decided to write about us. Pupa was seated at the bar, and some random minotaur was decimating hash browns like they had offended his mother. Pupa raised one of her eyebrows. "So, are we just gonna sit here staring at the book, or actually read it?"
Moving the pencil slowly, I turned the page with its eraser. With a quick clearing of my throat, I began to read. "If one finds themselves in the desert between San Ponymo and Malibuck, there lies a small inn on one of the ancient trade routes. The aptly titled Inn At The End of Equestria is a traders inn, merchants and wanderers from across all the world meeting to share a drink and sell to each other. The owner is one Charles Russo, who was quietly made an official Lord of Equestria some hundred odd years ago."
Pupa coughed and doubled over. "Wait a second! You're a legit Lord of Equestria? Like, noble title and all?"
I coughed slightly, hiding my face behind my hand. "Er, well y'see. I may have introduced myself to the princess as a Lord. A little while ago she decided to make it official." I think the official saber of my office was somewhere in the attic, collecting dust like the title itself.
Jeffery sounded off from his post in the kitchen. "So we've technically been noble vassals this whole time? Quite the surprise sir."
My hands waved as if to dispel the awful thought. "Ew, no. Stop. I am not some petty noble lord, I am Charles. Just Charles, the bartender of the most remote inn in the world." I tapped the page. "But back to the important stuff. The service at the inn is exemplary, as long as you expect no special treatment. The owner treats every guest like an age-old friend. Complete with mild antagonism, occasional free food, and in this authors experience a single count of drunk and disorderly adventure." I looked down at the book in confusion. "Pupa, did I go on a drunk adventure with someone?"
Pupa shrugged, but Jeffry quickly rose from the window. "Well sir, you do tend to go on a bit of a bender every now and again, so I would assume this gentleman simply had the poor luck to be caught in your wake."
My eyes blinked a few times. "Wait, did you just call me sir?"
Jeffry nodded, lighting his pipe with a flash from his horn. "Well if you are indeed a lord I must give some measure of respect. Loathe as I am to admit it."
I smirked, leaning back into the book. "Well then, I'll be sure to remember that then. Anyways, let's see what else he says." I coughed a few times before continuing. "If you are exceptionally lucky, he may even allow you to peruse some of his more private works. After we had retired from a brief trip to a small set of ruined buildings under the waves of the ocean behind his inn he invited me to see some of his musings he has made over the years. I was given a book filled with quotations most strange and wise which I have taken to keeping beside my bed.
Pupa grabbed a glass, filling it with tea from a pitcher beside her. "So you gave him one of those books you write in while drink? And he could read it?"
She ducked as a rag soared towards her, making my attempt to hit her useless. "I write in them while sober, and they have important quotes and philosophies in them. I doubt Equestria has ever heard of half the things written in those. Or that Equestria should have them. From all I've seen I doubt the works of Machiavelli or Che Guevera have much of a place here. Anyways. The food and drink is excellent, staffed by a strange species that in all honesty I was having to much fun to investigate. While I doubt a trip simply to the inn would be worth it, one should consider visiting if ever within a days trot."
Jeffery nodded while puffing on his pipe. "Well sir, it seems we've gotten rave reviews."
I smiled, taking the open book to rest above the bar. "Course we do Jeff, we're awesome. Though I'll need to send him a letter. I have a few complaints."
Pupa smirked. "What? Mad he didn't mention your the best human drink mixer in Equestria?"
I reached over, poking her nose with my finger. "No..." I stepped back. "Well, yes. But he failed to mention our unflappable cook. Or our cute waitress."
Pupa's black shell adopted a minorly green tint, but she stepped forward. "Oh, cute am I?"
I nodded, leaning on the bar. "Course, cutest changeling I've ever had in the bar. Bar none." I giggled a bit. "Ha, bar none. I made a funny. But with that done I have to look through my books. Need to make sure I didn't accidently give a pony a copy of Mein Kampf. That'd probably be bad."
Pupa squeaked something from behind me as I pulled open the small trapdoor behind the bar, ducking into my hidey-hole. I grabbed the mostly blank book beside the door and began scribbling in it. "If you do not expect the unexpected you will not find it, for it is not to be reached by search or trail." With my scribbling done, I began poking at the shelves. All while trying to remember who exactly I got drunk with and invited down here.
9625406
It's an old Irish cryptid and mythological beastie if my memory serves
Tis back. I am most pleased.
9660872
Stuff happened I'm trying to be groovy again
Amusing as always! Welcome backK
9660872
I second this. A lot of stories have gone dry in recent months, and its great to see when one picks up again. Good stuff.
A fine old adage if i've ever heard one
9660859
How does the future look
Because your a day a head of me nobody
9660923
Name of the Beasty is a Nuckelavee.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nuckelavee
Good to see that pupa has a crush
It lives!
Need more of this story. So much more.
I was happily surprised to find an update to this wonderful tale! Thank you!
9661000
Sorry, life happened
Fun to read and welcome back!
What's next?
A visit from a Dochar-chú?
So, Charles just got the equivalent of 2 Michelin Stars then?
I wonder if the next time Celestia drops by it will be with Twilight Luna and Cadence (rest of the main six too mayhaps) like around after Twilight became a princess
Pleas tell me you didnt write the Manifesto while drunk.
If you care, featured again: June 3.
9661022
Any Story that has an update within a year on this site is alive, in my opinion.
Better that they take their time and tell a good yarn, than to burn out and stop, or waste away into obscurity.
So keep up the good work sir, and proceed at whatever pace you need to.
Does this guy have photographic memory or something?? He can remember whole books??? Heck i can't even remember what was written in the cat in the hat from when i was a young one
Bets on whether Zesty would reach stable orbit, burn up on re-entry, or simply end up booted into Luna's eternal cold embrace after reviewing this place?
LOL. imagine if twilight ever comes to visit and assumes that this is how all humans act normally. XD
That'd make for an interesting experience for Equestria Girls
9661533
No, he normally just worried quotes, or summaries of longer works
It’d be funny if one of the writings in a book is really just a meme that the ponies interpreted to be philosophical.
Should we be alerted tha he knows Mein Kampf word for word well enough to rewrite it?
9662572
One MUST know thy enemy if one wishes to be victorious.
Its the Inn of Brigands and Doom?,
9662772
?
A fantastic tale of intrigue good sir, may I have another?
9662956
I finally rememebred the village is Brigadoon that reapears ever so many years, and the Inns already had Brigands, the pirates, and many a Doom, if not the computer game. Maybe needs to run Tabletop someday?
Excellent! I didn't need sleep anyway... Good stuff
9661911
That's good. We all can kinda remember quotes and i guess the basic content of stories. So he writes em down when he remembers them?
I can see it now, Celestia gets the book from said author and a few years later Charles gets a poster to hang outside with his usual shipment of supplies...
derpicdn.net/img/2013/2/27/257030/full.png
Charles would then have to go on a trip to Canterlot to slap Celestia... Or feed her a snickers bar, not sure which!
9662572 But it's just a book about a poor struggling artist!
(Note: artists are all secretly evil, especially the struggling ones! We should get rid of them all NOW, before it's too late! You don't want it to be TOO LATE, do you?!)
Yes. We need more cute bug waitresses.
A five star review I say!
9673619I think I've done this joke with you, but I never asked for this. I'm glad you're enjoying the ride though.
9673742
Thank!
I just beinged read it and it's very entertaining I hope to read more.
Like most of your stories, a good chapter for a good story!
9661190
Hah! Hopefully it'll to be traumatize the girls while the "regulars" (Celestia and Luna) have a blast breaking in the newbs.
Also, I wonder how many other titles he's picked up over the years (centuries!) from all the various factions that've passed
outthrough The Inn.9662572
Well he was a philosophy major might have been required reading for a class project
This is a really good story, excellent if I may say so. More story please.:)
I certainly love this story, it’ll be the only story that’s still updating I’ll add into my favorites.
9673774
More cute bug waiters
9662136
I can has Cheeseburgers?
'What do you think it means?'
'I don't know, let's check another one'
When you spend ten dollars to buy lottery tickets and win 5 dollars.
Stonks
'I... Think this means that every victory is still a victory, even if it's pryhic victory'
'Hmm...'
after rereading it occurs to me that the sisterhooves social is coming up in the timeline. will that mean that we may be seeing Rarity's parents at some point while they are on vacation?
Only tru intellectuals create such art. And I tell you, I've now ascended beyond puny mortal chromosomes.
Heh... I used to have a notebook for keeping the best quotes I could ever find. It was lost some years ago, and sadly I've never again picked up the habit. But I do remember the opening quote to that, and I think at times it describes this man perfectly:
And with that, please accept my Fave, and a bonus Thumbs-Up. I'm also shelving this as "Crazy but hilarious", for the record. Please, good sir - I simply must have more.
9661190
9687910
Oh yes! I'm also quite eager to see these events and hear of such titles. I'm sure he has many, not all of them well-deserved... or all that flattering, to be honest. Though I'm sure he'd embrace them all equally - which is to say, he'd find a nice out-of-the-way spot in his attic where nobody would dare disturb these letters for centuries*... not even him. ;)
Though to be fair, I think the moment Twilight is brought into the mix, events will suddenly experience clustering. I mean, Twilight will probably be so into figuring him out she's going to visit like every week or something... ALSO, BOOKS. HE WRITES THEM. So bringing Twilight in would certainly be interesting... but I also expect that, from the Author's perspective, it'd become even more challenging to write if the Author wants to keep up the level and deliver well-accepted characterization.
* which is a roundabout way of saying he'd toss 'em and forget about 'em
There’s something about this simple premise executed so well in this story that makes me want to reread it, several times.