Zephyr's New Plan

CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIP—

‘Hey, take a look at that. Hm… I think I remember her somehow.’

CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP.

‘Hi there! Did you lose something?’

RUMMAGE, RUMMAGE, RUMMAGE. ‘If you want to get an autograph, there’s a session after my performance tonight. Five Bits for a photo of me and another five Bits for the autograph.’

‘An autograph of you? Why would I want that?’

CLUNK! ‘Ouch! Stupid chest!’ SWISH! ‘Hm… I don’t know you, but you should know me, and you should definitely ask yourself why you wouldn’t want to have a picture and autograph of the GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!’

WHOOSH! POP! BANG!

‘Were those fireworks really necessary?’

‘Of course. An artist should always have an entrée ready, one worthy of her stature.’

‘Uh-huh. Hm… The name, the fireworks… Yes, it does ring a bell.’

‘Haha, Trixie knew it would.’

‘I’ve seen a show of yours once… I think… Or I might have fallen asleep. I don’t remember. I’m hard to impress, you know?’

‘You think?! You are… hard to… GRRRR! Well, if the greatest show in Equestria can’t impress you, surely nothing can.’

‘Hey, hey, hey, no need to get angry. I get impressed all the time, actually. Mostly by me.’

SWISH! RUMMAGE, RUMMAGE, RUMMAGE. ‘Whatever. I’m trailing off anyway. Just finished the final rehearsal and I have to make everything ready for tonight. If you’re not here to admire me then I don’t have time for you. What are you doing here anyway? We’re in the middle of the forest.’

‘You know? Just taking a stroll through the countryside, relaxing after a hard day of telling the story of my greatest achievement yet.’

RUMMAGE, RUMMAGE, RUMMAGE.

‘Aren’t you… interested?’

‘I have a lot to do. You should listen closely when the Great and Powerful Trixie speaks.’

‘But… don’t you like stories?’

RUMMAGE, RUMMAGE, RUMMAGE. ‘Only good ones.’

‘What about juicy ones? The ones that are full of gossip and inspirational in many ways?’

RUMMAGE, RUMMAGE, RUMMAGE. ‘As I told you two times already, I am—wait, did you just say gossip?’

‘Hehe, everypony likes a good gossip.’

SWISH! ‘So do great and powerful ponies. You never know when you can use a good rumor or gossip to make ponies do what you—eh, I mean to draw inspiration from.’ TINGLE, CREAK. ‘You may begin.’

‘What, no stool for me? I’m wounded, you know? Alright, never mind. So this is the amazing story of my fruitful wanderings upon the path of love. Prepare to be blown away by my bravery!’

‘Ugh! Love?! You promised me—’

‘But before I can tell you anything, I have to ask you something. You know, it’s kind of a discrete and sensitive matter, and it does have the effect of leaving ponies speechless. Can you keep a secret?’

‘Um… do I want to hear this?’

‘You do, and I’m glad I can trust you. So, my secret is that… that… that…’

‘No need to raise the tension like that. It can never be as grand as the secrets to my stage magic.’

‘Rainbow Dash has a crush on me.’

SNORT! ‘On you?! Don’t make me laugh. Oh wait, too late.’

‘It’s probably nothing new for you. Rainbow Dash can be quite the boaster, especially when it comes to flying. But this thing has nothing to do with flying, of course, hehe. Anyway, she has surely told it to everyone she knows and I bet the news has already spread through town like a drop of hair dye in a glass of water, am I right?’

‘Trixie has… a complicated relationship with Rainbow Dash and her friends, or everypony in Ponyville, for that matter. Everypony except Starlight, of course. She adores my company. Anyway, I haven’t heard a thing, but even if I had, I would still not believe it now that I see you.’

…

‘What’s the matter?’

‘Oh, nothing. I… eh… I am sure Rainbow has a very good reason for not shouting it from the cloudtops in all of Equestria. Or at least Ponyville. Maybe she is still wildly bedazzled by my adventures at the Wonderbolt Academy, which is the main part of my story. Here it comes!’

SHUFFLE, SHUFFLE, SHUFFLE. ‘Yeah, this is not a story for me. I should—’

‘Ahem! It all started when I saw how Rainbow Dash reacted to my brave attempts at getting close to her. I know she wants me, of course, but somehow, she avoided me like the ponypox every time I sent a subtle signal. Made me wonder… I asked myself, “Hey, Zephyr, why hasn’t Rainbow Dash proposed to you yet?” In my deepest meditations, I mulled over that question for a long time, and in the end I came to the conclusion that I had to do something. I knew I had to up my game. I knew I had to make a little more breeze blow her way.’

‘There is something like too many metaphors, you know?’

‘My whole life is a deep metaphor. Moving on. Everypony knows that the secret to a good relationship is having something in common, and there I saw the problem. Rainbow Dash is an athlete, a Wonderbolt now too, soaring through the skies in search of challenges and adventure, inspiring crowds of thousands and making Equestria a safer place. Whereas I am a free and creative spirit, a visionary and a high flyer, born to impress everypony who lays eyes on me. Every day I keep fluttering on the gentle, relaxing breeze of inspiration, forever finding new ways to express myself in as many artforms as I can! As long as it’s not too difficult…

‘I heard that.’

‘And there you have it! Two completely different ponies, desperately trying to find love for each other. I know what you’re thinking. “It’s hopeless! Poor Zephyr Breeze will never fall in love with Rainbow Dash.” Wrong. Oh-so wrong. It’s actually quite simple. If we had something we both liked, we would be connected with a bond stronger than steel. We needed to have something in common.’

‘For the record, that is absolutely not what I’m thinking. More like, “How can a pony like me feel so much regret right now?”’

‘Don’t worry, the interesting part comes right now. It all started when I made the decision to become… a WONDERBOLT!’

‘Is that military salute really necessary?’

‘Just as necessary as your fireworks. So after I made up my mind, I thought, “How hard can it be?” The only thing I had to do was, well, do it. When you find the courage to start something, you will be surprised at your own abilities. That’s what my sister showed me. Only this time I had even more motivation, and an even nobler goal… Without the smallest grain of doubt, I grabbed pen and paper and signed myself up for the Wonderbolt Academy.’

‘I can literally smell disaster right now.’

SNIFF, SNIFF, SNIFF. ‘The only thing I smell is something burning somewhere. Are you sure your magic tricks aren’t hurting the forest?’

‘Eh… Please continue.’

‘Ha! You’re hooked! I can see it in your startled eyes.’

‘Yes… sure…’

‘HAHAHA! You should have seen the look on Miss Rainbow Breeze’s face when she saw who was among the newest cadets. Priceless!’ SNORT!

‘”Miss Rainbow Breeze?” You have it all figured out, haven’t you?’

‘You can never plan your future too thoroughly. Only makes the ambition greater. Anyway, there came Spitfire, blowing her whistle. After a brief introduction and “inspiring” pep talk, the first exercise was on. It was an obstacle course with narrow hoops, dangerous storm clouds, crazy tornadoes, and many more insane things. We had to fly through and set a time. Demonstrating how it was done, Rainbow Dash zipped through the sky from hoop to hoop easily, and straight by the tornadoes with dazzling speed. She even did a looping in between, just to impress me, no doubt. I swear I saw her winking as well.’

‘Are you sure she wasn’t winking at the stallion next to you?’

‘Yes, one hundred and twenty percent sure. My turn came. After a deep breath to collect my cool, I fired up my wings and jumped right into the deep. I can give you a recollection of my awesome, breathtaking maneuvers later. Of course you want to hear those, but they would clutter the story too much. Truth of it all was that I had set an academy record! For the slowest run…

‘Hm? What was that?’

‘What was what?’

‘You were mumbling again. But Trixie thinks she can guess what you mean by “academy record.”’

‘I had to be careful not to get my mane all tangled up, so I had to take it slow, okay? You have no idea what a tornado does to your mane! It’s awful!’

‘Haha, yeah sure.’

‘Hmph! You sound just like Spitfire right now. But I’m above getting frustrated.’ GRIND, GRIND, GRIND. ‘Let’s continue. After the first exercise, Spitfire was merciful enough to allow us a little break. Rainbow Dash retreated, so I was alone with the other cadets. Immediately, I felt sorry for them. I knew that probably two thirds of them wouldn’t even make it through the first day—not counting me, of course. My noble heart went out for them, and I found I had to give them some courage and relaxation. I mean, if they were all going down anyway, why not let them go down in style?

‘I gathered my tools of the trade and treated the whole team on a spontaneous mane therapy session. GASP! I could literally see the stress woven in their manes, and I had my work cut out for me. It was just a shame Rainbow Dash wasn’t there as well, because there is nothing more romantic than styling each other’s manes. Didn’t matter. There would still be plenty of bonding time during the other exercises. Particularly the flight choreography stuff in duos…

‘A few minutes later, all the cadets were lying down, completely relaxed, adorned with a beautiful new mane style. Pure content radiated off their faces. Their eyes were closed in delight and their mouths were curled up in blissful smiles. It was pure heaven!’ SIGH…

‘That’s not a happy sigh.’

‘Paradise ended when Spitfire returned. She barged into the mess hall like an angry battleship, barking out orders and calling for everypony’s attention. When she saw what was going on, her shades fell off her nose and shattered on the ground. “WHAT THE HAY ARE YOU ROOKIES DOING?! YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE BRIEFING ROOM FIVE MINUTES AGO! I DON’T THINK I EVEN WANT TO GUESS WHAT’S GOING ON HERE! WHO TURNED MY MESS HALL INTO A SISSY SPA?!”’

‘Argh! Why so loud? I’m not your cadet.’

‘Whoops! I should be more careful, otherwise you won’t be able to hear the rest of my story anymore.’

‘Yes… that would be a shame.’

‘Of course I didn’t expect a gruff, harsh, heartless military commander to understand anything about the soothing and revitalizing effects of mane therapy. I stayed friendly—because I am like that—and even offered her one as well. You can do so much with a wild, multi-colored mane like Spitfire’s!’

‘I would be surprised if she accepted.’

SIGH! ‘She didn’t, obviously. Instead, she made us do a hundred wing-ups. Talking about ungratefulness here! It was simply dreadful! I did try to do some subtle bonding with Rainbow Dash, but she flew away. After the first five—eh, I mean fifty—wing-ups I was totally exhausted.’ GULP. ‘I can still feel the sweat dripping from my forehead and down my back. Oh my, all that stress is terrible for your mane.’

‘Then why are you smiling?’

‘Because I managed to convince somepony else to do the remaining fifty wing-ups for me, telling him that the more wing-ups he did, the more his chances of joining the Wonderbolts would increase. So I managed to slip away. I figured I could use this opportunity to tell Spitfire I had already finished and make up for my “unacceptable behavior”—as she had put it so subtly.’

‘Clever.’

‘Huh? What? No sarcasm or irony this time?’

‘No, that was actually clever. The only clever thing you have done in this entire story.’

‘Eh… thanks?’

‘Frame it and hang it on the wall, because the Great and Powerful Trixie doesn’t give compliments often.’

‘Okay… I was the first to arrive at the spot where we were going to do something… whatever it was. Not important. What was important, was Rainbow Dash standing there, alone, waiting for the rest. This was my golden opportunity! And right at that moment, boom! An idea came to me. A serenade! Rainbow Dash sung a song to me once, so why not return the favor? I just knew a catchy song with a smooth and suave upbeat melody would melt Dashie’s heart of iron. Being an artist has its advantages, so the words came to me. I just let my heart sing.’

‘If you’re going to sing right now, I’m going to walk away and pretend this never happened.’

‘I trotted before her nose, already busy warming up my voice. There was a nice stretch of concrete underneath my hooves, so I had all the room to sing. Rainbow Dash made a strange face as I approached—baffled as she was by my charismatic appearance, no doubt—and opened her mouth to say something. But time was of the essence. I had no idea when that drillmaster Spitfire would return, so I began my performance. It was now or never!’ GASP!

Oh Rainbow Dash
When I see you I crash
From the sky so high above
Baby I am so in love

Oh Rainbow Dash
When I see you a splash
Of love ignites inside my heart
I am your beloved bard

Oh Rainbow Dash
With you there is no clash
Although I don’t have a clue
I know you do want me too

Oh Rainbow Dash
Not for a lot of cash
Would I trade you for a gem
Yes my heart beats bam, bam, BAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!

CREAK! THUD! ‘OUCH! Don’t ever sing or scream like that again! Do you really want to shatter my concentration that much? If I can’t do the performance tonight, it will be your fault. Ugh! And Trixie thought your Spitfire imitation was loud…’

‘I thought it a nice transition. The last thing I heard before that random pegasus crashed into me was Rainbow Dash’s voice. “Get off the runway, you idiot!”’

‘That’s why you have that plaster cast on?’

SNIFF, SNIFF, BLINK. ‘Yes, it was really painful… I don’t know how long I was out, but when I finally regained consciousness, I was lying in the infirmary. Alone. Rainbow Dah was not impressed, and I knew my Wonderbolt days were over.’ SNIFF.

‘Those are crocodile tears, right?’

‘Tears? Oh! Eh… yes, of course. I was just… lost in the moment, hehe. Well, I was devastated at first. But being alone in that cold hospital bed gave me time to think and make new plans. I figured there must be more ways of trying to have something in common. I will simply have to be bigger, bolder, grander than ever before, and reach for the stars in the constellations!’

‘So what’s next, Casanova?’

‘Hehe… The next time you catch a glimpse moi, I’ll be something even more heroic than a Wonderbolt. I will be a true ELEMENT OF HARMONY!’

WHACK!

‘Don’t facehoof too much, or you will look ridiculous with a red forehead. So what element will suit me best, you think? Maybe honesty after this true-to-life account? Or laughter? I did make you laugh a couple of times. On the other hoof, I was generous enough to tell you my story, so maybe generosity might be it. Or could kindness work? Giving the cadets a mane therapy session was pretty kind, after all. The ideal element is loyalty like Rainbow Dash, of course, because I am always loyal to myself. Sort of… Magic will be tricky, unless I team up with you and make my own magic show. What about that, eh? Sounds good?’

‘Yeah, that’s not going to happen.’ TINGLE, TINGLE, TINGLE!

‘Hey, whoa! What are you doing?! Put me down! I’m hurt! I’m sensitive!’

‘Trixie has heard enough to know that you have just wasted Trixie’s time!’ TINGLE, TINGLE, TINGLE!

‘What? No! Why? We were having fun!’

‘You were having fun.’

‘Not so high please. I didn’t do anything wrong. And besides, I’m not finished yet.’

‘I think I am more than finished with you.’

‘Okay, okay, forget about the magic show. Maybe I can tell you another story? Or I can make up another story about me as an element of harmony? Something like a fanfiction?’

TINGLE, TINGLE, TINGLE! ‘Nopony likes fanfictions. Out you go!’

‘Hmph! How rude! And I thought a fellow artist would appreciate a clever story or a collaboration. Seems I was mistaken.’

‘WHAT?!’

‘AAAAAAH!’ SLAM!

STOMP, STOMP, STOMP! ‘How DARE you deny the artistic mastermind that is the Great and Powerful Trixie?!’

‘Ouch!’ SNIFF ‘I think I broke something…’

‘Yes, you just broke my concentration, my good mood, and my attempts at preparing something more grandiose and fantastic than you will ever be.’

‘Hmph! Well, I was just telling the truth, as I always do. You are the worst listener I have ever encountered, and the worst magician too, I bet.’

SIZZLE, SIZZLE, SIZZLE! ‘What did you just say?!’

SWISH! ‘You heard me. But don’t bother convincing me you’re not, because I know when my qualities aren’t appreciated. Au revoir!’

CRACKLE, CRACKLE, CRACKLE! ‘Oh yes, you’re definitely leaving…’

‘That’s what I said. Good rid—’

FLASH!

‘Phew! Much better.’ CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP. ‘Yup, all gone. Boy, am I glad I am so good at that teleportation spell Starlight showed me. One never knows when it comes in handy. Not only in magic tricks, apparently…’

SCRATCH, SCRATCH, SCRATCH. ‘Where did I send him to anyway? Hm… can’t remember. Doesn’t matter. I’m sure he’s fine. Let’s get back to important biz, showbiz, haha!’ CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP, CLIPPETY-CLOP. CREAK. RUMMAGE, RUMMAGE, RUMMAGE. ‘Now where did I put the rubber snakes again?’

* *

FLASH! POOF! SIZZLE!

‘Ugh! What happened? Where am I? Why do I feel like I have just flown through a rainbow thunderstorm?’ PAT, PAT, PAT. ‘Oh no! My mane! Ruined! What evil monster would do such a thing?!’

‘If you are looking for evil, you’ve come to the right place.’

‘WAAAAH!’ THUD! ‘Who are you? What are you?’

‘I know who you are. You are our new friend, hihi! Oh golly, it’s been so long since we’ve had a visitor. A permanent visitor, I mean.’

‘Wh-wh-what is somepony so adorable doing so close to such a monster? And… what do you mean by “permanent?”’

‘Just look around, silly.’

GASP, GASP, GASP! ‘Okay, okay. Stay calm, Zephyr, stay calm. What do I see? A cave… scary, pointy rocks… cages…’

AROOOOOOOO! AROOOOOOOO! AROOOOOOOO!

‘AAAAH! What was THAT?!’

‘Our pet—or pets, hihi!’

‘Wait… wait, I know this place! Fluttershy told me about it once, and she kept shivering all the time. Now I know why.’

‘It is true. In this place, only the most heartless and evil creatures reside.’

‘And we decided to make it our own. Welcome to the family!’

GULP! ‘But… but I am not evil. I didn’t do anything wrong! Why do I deserve this?’

‘You have eternity to figure that out, pegasus.’

‘Enough time to get to know each other, yay! Aren’t you glad?’

‘I… I… I think I have to… Somepony catch me!’ THUD!

…

…

‘Should we… wake him up?’

‘Nah, let him faint. We have all the time in Equestria to catch up. He’s not going anywhere.’

‘Hehehe! Indeed, my little protégé, indeed.’

THE END

Author's Note:

Thanks for reading this April Fool’s one-shot. I hope you enjoyed it as much as Zephyr Breeze enjoys boasting. I would love to hear from you, so please let me know what you think. Would you do anything and everything for love?

Also, don’t forget to check out the ‘making of’ blogpost of this one-shot if you want to find out how it was made. I hope to see you in my next tale!