Siblings of Blacklight and Nemesis
Prologue
Comic Con: David's pov
"Come on David we need to hurry before the line gets too long!" My little brother said as we walked through the con. He was dressed up as Nemesis from the Resident Evil games. I was dressed up as my oc from prototype 2, I basically looked like alex mercer. But instead of having a dress shirt with a grey hoodie and leather jacket with a tribal symbol on the back of it, I had just a regular T-shirt a great hoodie with the punisher's skull on the front of it. The jacket looked the same as Alex mercer's though.
"Alright, I'm coming I'm coming, no need to rush." I said, smiling at him.
We walked around for a few minutes, then my brother found a booth and saw a rocket launcher that had the Umbrella corp emblem on it. When I came up to him, a voice called out getting our attention. We both saw a guy dressed as the Resident Evil 4 merchant, he even had the voice right.
"How do you do stranger..notice anything you might like from my wares?" He asked I got a strange feeling from him but shrugged it off.
"How much for the launcher?" My brother asked the merchant.
"Ah good eye there Nemesis, and I must say, I love the amount of details you put on your suit...I'm feeling generous today, so for you it will be 35 dollars." At this my eyes widened while my brother simply asked me for the money.
I shrugged and paid for the launcher, after I paid for it the merchant asked. "If you don't mind me asking stranger, but who are you supposed to be? You kind of remind me of Alex mercer, but there are some differences?" I shrugged.
"I just dressed as my oc called David Mercer, basically I'm Alex mercer's nephew and he basically became blacklight just like Alex. He has all the abilities of both Alex Mercer and James Heller. "I gave another shrug.
"Hm...ok well is there anything that peek's your interest?" I took a look around and spotted the sword arm and claw hand that Alex Mercer had for the boss fight in Prototype 2, and got excited.
"How about these?" I asked.
"Ah these are a special case, they’re on a discount and come with a bonus..." He reached under the table and pulled out a vile that looked like the Blacklight virus container "...That will be 50 dollars." He said, I just looked at him with wide eyes
"R-really?" I won't lie, I was actually shocked at how cheap they were.
"Yes really." He said, I just took out my wallet and handed him the money. I put everything on then me and my brother started to walk away. But before we could even walk three feet, I started to get dizzy. The last thing I saw was my brother falling through the ground. I hear the sound of glass shattering as I dropped the vile, then everything went black.
Equestria Canterlot gardens: Blacklight's pov
'Oh come on! I thought we only had to wait a thousand years, not a thousand and thirty two.’ My brother said, sounding very annoyed.
'Actually I said we had to wait till the ward barrier was weak enough. And besides, it's our own fault for our current situation, because of what we did to those ponies. At least they kept us clean, unlike most of the other statues here.’ I said to him. But before he could reply, we heard someone talking.
"And over here, students, are the next two. Can anypony tell me what these two statues represent?" Asked a purple anthro earth pony mare with three sunflowers for a cutie mark. She’s wearing a regular pinkish button up shirt with blue jeans and sneakers.
'Oh look bro, it's Ms. Cheerilee, with her class.' I said as one of the fillies put her hand up and asked.
"sickness?" Another filly raises a hand, she is a yellow earth pony with a red mane and a bow on her head. She is wearing a yellow shirt with some work jeans and work shoes.
"Good and evil?" She asked.
‘Hey! Now come on, I can't help the way I look!’ my brother said, getting a little upset. Remembering what the first pony who saw him did when they first saw him. But then Cheerilee started to speak again, getting everyone's attention.
"Actually the big one is called "Hunter", it represents the natural instincts of a wild animal. While the other one is called "Blacklight", it represents "pestilence" or "plague". It is said by the princesses that just after the fall of the crystal empire, these two beings showed up from some unknown place and started to attack one of the towns. There were many deaths, and it is said that these two beings both carried diseases that are both unique and unknown. Luckily the princesses put a group of the greatest scientific ponies together to find a cure..." She was interrupted by Applebloom.
"Did they ever cure the sickness?" She asked Cheerilee..
"...Not entirely, no...You see students, the scientist who worked on the cure could only make it by getting a DNA sample from them. But they could only get the DNA of the big one, the smaller one was just too deadly and couldn't even bleed, almost as if it doesn't even have blood. So they could only cure the one's infected by the big one. But after the infection was neutralized, the princesses tracked them down and used the Elements of Harmony to imprison them in stone." Cheerilee answered.
Cheerilee continued to explain a little bit more, before moving on. I began to think back to how all this started,...back when I woke up.
*1,032 years ago, Everfree Forest*
Pain, that's all I felt for an hour and a half. Once the pain died down to where I could at least tolerate it, I groggily got up. "Ugh... What the hell happened?" I asked myself, I slowly but surely got up and looked around. 'Why am I in a forest?' I thought, then it all came rushing back like a bullet train. I took a look at my hands and almost screamed. The blade arm and claws that were supposed to be props were glowing as if they were real. I won't lie, I was screaming and everything on the inside. But not because of what I found out about my arms, but the fact that I wasn't freaking out. Then I realized that I couldn't feel much emotion at all, I could however feel anger, sadness, determination, and curiosity. Then I had a thought, one that would prove my theory. I looked at my arms which still had the blade arm and claws out, I then focused and tried to "will" my arms to become normal again. And to my surprise, it worked. Then I started to inspect the rest of my body.
Soon after all my inspections, I came to a conclusion. 'I..I'm Blacklight... I'm the Blacklight virus...b-but I can't be, I'm still me.' I thought to myself, then realization struck me once again as I frantically looked around 'Erick how could I forget? If this happened to me, then it must have happened to him too. Oh God, no no no no, where are you, where are you!!?' I practically screamed in my head as I frantically searched around the forest, looking for my little brother.
*End of Prologue*
We can tell.
Awesome chapter, you are doing an amazing job. I can't wait to read the next chapter.
Yea, I can tell its your first story just by description alone way before I got to the part where it said so, you even used the same cliche aka being turned to stone as most Displaced story use, which is a very common thing for those who are new to writing or to the Displaced.
👌👌
Rather than shitting all over your story like it deserves, I will attempt to give some constructive criticism.
... Everything needs to be fixed. Frankly it's barely legible. I will give you credit for finding a proofreader, but I'm not sure if the guy you found was better than not having a proofreader. Further, the plot is so goddamn overused that I could pretty much predict every single beat by the paragraph. Illiteracy is bad but unoriginality is unforgivable.
English is not my first language so I am not qualified to criticize grammar, as for the story, it is quite generic but not bad, however I recommend that you first count all the events of the past before doing some crossover, what what happened in the crystal empire surely affected the characters and it would be a good opportunity to introduce them to me, I (and I am sure that many others) believe that most crossovers should not be added if they are not going to affect the story significantly, if and they will give the protagonist a new power or help him in a fight they would seem like a resource of the author so that the character becomes stronger or overcomes a situation and that ends up taking credit to the protagonist, if you are going to make a crossover, make it affect personally to both characters, for example, the crossover between "The Mighty Warrior of Epicness" and "Gravity of situation" is the best crossover I've seen so far because it affects the characters in a very personal way and produces a great change in both characters, and crossover is an important point in both stories and that is (for me) the best type of crossover there can be, if it is not possible to make such a crossover, I recommend that you make them as extra chapters and that they do not affect the main plot of the story
I have one problem with this story and it's a big one:
I have read this before. Beat to beat, plot point to plot point, every single thing I hate about Displaced I've seen in the past is in this story. Fanfiction is meant to be a creative process and this is just cut and paste from the Displaced Handbook For Writing Utter DreckTM and has no real reason to exist.
"But you can't judge a story's worth in just 1200 words!"
Then write more than 1200 words. Write something original and compelling rather than retreading the corpse of a long overdone "genre" of edgefic only 11-17 year olds read because they're still in the mindset of "Edgy crossovers are cool!" Two people in this comment section in particular jump out as in being of that crowd, not naming names.
Before you ask, this isn't an indictment on you in particular. Sure, it's your own fault for writing this, but you were surely "inspired" by the greater Displaced "community" to crap this out. There's nothing noteworthy about this other than being Yet Another Fucking Displaced Fic Because People Won't Learn That It's Dead.
Okay, there's one thing. Your proofreader is easily the worst one I've ever seen or straight up didn't proofread it at all, because even the title of your story needs corrections. The description is a whole other matter and the actual 1200 word "story" I haven't even bothered to get to otherwise I would go full Grammar Nazi on you.
Be thankful for the both of us I don't have that sort of time commitment.
Has potential to be good. faved because blacklight
9913004
Ok one: I’m also new to writing stories, so forgive if I’m unable to immediately notice every single mistake in the chapter (you know, the thing a proofreader actually works on). As for the title, the moderators didn’t have a problem with it. Two: it’s your own fault for willingly reading Displace fanfics despite hating them. There’s a phrase that can be used for this: The definition of insanity is to try something over and over again, and expect different results. I’m not sure why people keep reading stories based on an idea they hate. And before you say anything, Displace fics do have Different results if the like to dislike ratio for the more popular ones are anything to go by.
Next: By you acknowledging you’ve read, and clearly are still reading, Displace fics, that you most be somewhat close to that mindset, if you’re still reading them despite hating them.
Finally: Most new writers either can’t write more then 1200 words on the first chapter because, again, their new to this and don’t have much experience. Or they don’t go past that since it’s possible it won’t be passed through moderation. Fixing mistakes in a 1200 word chapter is much more doable than a chapter with a much bigger word count.
9916560
The mods will approve damn near anything. That’s not an indication of quality. And sure, people new to writing will not necessarily know how to formulate a story properly. However, note the emphasis on writing. Not being a good author does not mean you can’t know how to spell, use proper punctuation, and recognize (and stop) a run-on sentence.
The least you could have done as a proofreader is know that titles, and proper nouns in titles, are CAPITALIZED.
9917364
One, I have told him, but it’s not my story. If he wants to keep it that way, that’s his choice. Two: again I’m new at proofreading. Actually hang on, aren’t you the guy who said all Displaced fics are trash on one of my fics? If you hate the Displaced idea so much, why are you still reading them? This isn’t related to this or my fic, it’s a genuine question. Displaced fic are something you already know your gonna hate, and yet you keep willingly reading them.
9917389
That sounds like something I’d say. But the truth is that displaced can be good. The problem is that so few have ever achieved good. Displaced is almost universally lazy, poorly written, and designed to grab the attention of readers who don’t know any better.
As to why I keep reading... I’d like to be proven wrong some day.
Yeah I get it but I'm mainly trying to catch up to were blacklight can get summoned so me and dark can have a memorable crossover plus the story now till that point will be like in the show at least until after blacklight and nemesis meet the main 6 once that happens things will get...interesting.
9917414
Well, to each their own I guess. *shrugs*
9917414
That's because most of them are written by people who are new to writing or to the Displaced itself and were inspired by another displaced fic that followed the same exact beginnings. They follow it because it is a simple start, but it is also a bad start as it often leads to the story being canceled or never updated at all due to negative responses or criticism they couldn't handle.
Well I don't have to worry about that because I don't care what others think but I will take there thoughts into consideration but like I was basically saying no ones perfect. Well got to get back to work I have to get caught up so I can do a good crossover have a good day everyone.
i love it
Thank you for the compliment