We interrupt your regularly scheduled emotional trauma to bring you a special edition of the Canterlot Comedy Hour, with our very special guest, Discord!
Oh please, please, thank you folks, you’re too kind. Too kind, really.
Now then. Onto the show. Stop me if you’ve heard this one, folks:
A whore, a jock, a hick, a coward, a spaz, a nerd, and the most infuriating little Princess you’ve ever met walk into a hedge maze. They say to the God of Chaos, Wah, wah, you stole our magic jewelry, give it back! To which the God of Chaos responds, Why the long faces?
Then they all died. Laughter, curtains, et cetera.
Well, to be fair, no one’s actually died. Not yet, anyways. But it’s coming. Oh, by the stars above, it’s coming. I have the game all planned out. I have for almost six hundred years.
You see, what many may not realize about me is that I play chess in my spare time. Oh, it’s not the chess you mortals are familiar with, not by a long shot. You see, I only have one piece on the board. You might think that would put me at a disadvantage, but you would, of course, be wrong. You see, I only have one piece, but I also control the board itself. I can make it bend and warp and change shape, however I please. And I am very good at making all the pieces dance exactly the way I want them to. They’ll even knock each other off the board for me, if I ask nicely enough.
So, one piece is all I’ll ever need. Sometimes, when I want an extra challenge, I’ll even give my opponent a few extra rooks or knights to play with.
So believe me when I say that I’ve played this game enough to know the pony’s next moves. Here’s what’s going to happen next. Spoiler alert, by the way...
The only one of those ponies I didn’t turn was Twilight Sparkle. That was on purpose, by the way; it’s no fun if you get every single one of them. You only get that really juicy mental anguish if you leave someone around in their right mind to see all the madness. I even let her keep her memories of Celestia’s Princesshood, just to squeeze out a few extra drops of despair!
So: Twilight is going to play the chaperone and get everyone home safely, get them tucked into bed with a cup of water and a kiss on the forehead—or, at least she’ll try. In the process, she’s going to discover that everyone she thought she cared about has gone absolutely, deliciously mad. She’ll try her hardest, sure, but nothing she’ll do will work. That’s the first move.
Second move: seeing the worst parts of her friends will break poor widdle Twilight. Maybe she’ll fly into a rage. Or maybe she’ll spiral into depression. Or perhaps she’ll simply go insane. You never know—that’s the fun part.
Third move: at this point, nearly anything Twilight can do will just make things worse for herself. Maybe she’ll lock herself in her room and slowly waste away. Or perhaps she’ll lash out at those around her, causing even more chaos. Or, once in a very great while, she’ll do the noble thing, and try to challenge me a second time. That’s always my favorite—getting to do the dirty work myself.
And then…? Well. That’s for me to know, and for you to find out.
Of course, there’s always room for variance. Maybe Twilight will find a way to break one of her friends free; it’s happened before. Or maybe she’ll finally succumb to my influence—after all, I left enough question marks inside her skull that my whispers might end up winning her over after all. It doesn’t matter, in the end… not as long as she helps me flush out my real prey.
You see, I’ve been playing chess for a very, very long time. And I have been defeated only once—and even that was just a minor setback, really. So now, after a thousand years, I’m back for my rematch. A rematch that, if I say so myself, is going very, very well.
Checkmate in three moves, Your Highness. I’ll see you very soon, when it’s finally time to take you off the board.
Laughter.
Curtains.
Et cetera.
I think Discord is going to regret this as Luna will interfere and help save them all.
Woah.
Have I ever said that this is one of the most well-thought-out and detailed stories I've ever read on this site?
I mean, pure genius. Really.
Can't wait to read more! I'm sure it'll be spectacular!
9926452
Thank you very much!! I put a LOT of work into these, which is why it takes so long for them to come out
9926126
Luna is exactly who this chapter ending is referring to, dude. This is ALL about taking Luna off the board and gaining control of all the magic that was once used to defeat him.
Excellent job on this chapter going into a bit more detail concerning Discord's plan. I especially have to admit that the fact that he doesn't even pretend to know what's going to happen next (though he has several theories, none of them good) shows he's at least TRYING to anticipate as much as possible. Of course, we KNOW Twi and the others are going to BEAT the odds. We just don't know HOW yet and that's the intriguing part.
In general, I'm very certainly going to be looking forward to more of this.
9926839
Excellent comments, as always! One slight correction, though...
Discord thinks he knows exactly what's going to happen next. After all, this is far from the first set of ponies he turned...
9926866
Good catch and thanks for the correction.
Wow, I really, really hate this Discord. Screw stone, I hope he's dead by the end of this.
9927406
Hey, at least she's still single(?) in canon
9926866
Yes, I noticed in his narration that there's no place for Celestia there, and especially not for a Celestia who breaks out of her discordant state.
well... this Discord is definitely... new
kinda mature version of those foolish villains and way scarier
*Peers over popcorn bucket with wide eyes.*