Millennia ago, before the founding of Equestria, a Unicorn was sent into the lands of which the nation would be built upon. He was nobody, is nobody. An imperfection, full of emotion. He enjoys the world, yet he has a desire to despise it. To torment it. One which is brought from his creation. He desires torment, not for himself but for others. He demands others to fear him, to be struck with shock and awe.
This is a tale of evil, of malevolence, of deliberate malice, of torture and perpetual pain. A story of which a nobody finds himself purpose. His true purpose. He will be manipulated, turned against the very being of which created him.
This is to be Malevolent.
The initial three chapters will feature varying degrees of comedy. It becomes darker at chapter four and beyond. Story will contain gore mostly featuring the protagonist having his bones crushed.
How does one write a story when they are so inexperienced? Well, the word everybody is looking for is improvise obviously. How will this go? Who knows, well i certainly don't have the power of foresight, it would be convenient.
This story is the culmination of pure imagination and rather grim story writing skills.
Ah, but of course, i have found many mistakes already. Just as expected.
At least you took the classy route and didn't make the OC ridiculously overpowered...
Seriously though, I have no idea what I just read...but I'll read the second chapter anyways.
Because when one reads 5k of words, what's another 9K?
:3
Nothing about Chaos stands out... He's very much a boring character.
Might have something to do with his actions, personality, and general lack of meaning.
Evil for basically sake of evil is boring.
A villain without proper motivation or weakness, hell even just a quirk....is just bland as all hell.
Written surprisingly well though characterization is just nothing imo.
Would this maybe have been better as a Sombra Fic?
Maybe, though he too would have to be flushed out.
That's it!
This story reminds me of Sombra's first appearance!... Kind of just ok.
😐
Sorry if I'm sounding rude, I'm just giving you my honest 14k opinion.
Better than if I merely lied to you... Right?
Anyway from a technical standpoint great first story!
There... I said something nice.
:3
Thank you for the analysis. I guess I just never really noticed the issues because I wrote to my heart's content. Mentioning Sombra, I feel like a lot of inspiration was originally drawn from the dark unicorn. Really, I had a hard time figuring out a motivation.
Writing is like cooking. You may have the perfect recipe, but did you follow the instructions correctly? Perhaps you missed a step, or you didn't cook it long enough. Perhaps you did not add enough salt, or added too much.
This was a very interesting story i hope to see more from you
Finally started reading the story, it's on a good start and I do enjoy the writing style a lot, I like the semi-cryptic narration with only bits of information to guess what was happening with keeping the detail focused on the feelings rather the physical descriptions or reflect the characters actual thoughts. While do like this form of writing, Fortunately, I have seen a few story like this and the one major draw back of this style of writing is that it's overly focused on visceral emotions and sensation then to lead to wild directions (while often very interesting ones), it tends to eventually draw itself in a corner plot wise and then the plot eventually doesn't make much sense anymore, which it is already showing signs of that, I'm afraid. But I do think that his revival 200 years later might breath new life to the story and that new unicorn servant might help add a little more depth into the MC's personality other then his wild bouts of passions that he keeps getting and that unicorn does can serve as a good guide for him, along with repeating the cycle. I its nice that he currently has an en goal of becoming an alicorn.
To be honest despite the lot of unanswered questions we get from the story, I do like a lot of the ideas that you bring and how a character is being dominated and being twisted into his tool for control, I would have loved to have learned more of that spirit and see more of the process of the training and how he dehumanized him. Not exactly a fan of multiple instances of reincarnation, even twice at the same time, but you managed to make it look interesting and you did add interesting twists to it. Keep up the good work.
Also if you are looking for an other cover art, I would just like to let you know that I am open for commissions and if you with to talk about it in depth you can PM me when ever you want. Also if you wish to see some of my art you can go see it in the link bellow and you might actually recognize some of them too.
https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku
Good luck on your writing.
10053914
To be completely honest with you, the story is going to become something beyond insanity. I am still experimenting with multiple ideas and it feels like i'm being blindfolded during my writing process. Perhaps its the worry that gets me. This second... Act? Yes, is more about exploring beyond the main character, focusing on side characters and the, technically secondary main-character Lament. There will most likely be a huge cascade of characters to support the story and add to it. I believe that will add to the story, especially with the grand finale i have planned, and the final plot twist. Perhaps you have figured it out already?
The cover art i have at the moment i made myself. I am not particularly interested in artwork, so most likely i'd need a new cover art. Perhaps something like the main character ( Which i envisioned to be a Sombra-ish, white eyed, mostly steel plated, maybe fanged teeth like the Pony-of-Shadows) at the top overlooking, say, the princesses. Perhaps a Sun and Moon just above that?
And also, thank you for the analysis.
I think this is a massive improvement of a chapter from your previous one, at least it feel more under control with the protagonist actually thinking of what he was doing while still keeping some of the wild random elements that you had in the previous one that made the story interesting in the first place. But I am sure his fits of mania will come back to screw everyone soon enough. I did like the interactions between the characters and they do seem to have clear personalities and goals from before without the being in a state of contant panic. I do so love people bidding their times to build up to something great.
Great chapter, looking forward to the next one.
10063437
Your last comment had taught me a lot of lessons. Such i applied to this chapter.
Interesting chapter, I feel that there is a more clearer goals at what the different factions that sound more then just immediate survival or nebulous as they were before. I still have trouble understanding everything going at least remembering what happened in the last chapter but it was enjoyable none the less. the new characters seems interesting for the most part and I do like that the siblings are still pawns of this great came that also seem to be leading to Luna and Celestia going to the tree of Harmony, I wonder if that other spirit that is controlling them is somehow related to Starswirl in some way, maybe it want the alicorn sisters to be purified for them as part of other plans in store for them. I wonder how the the shadow ponies will survive through this crusade of sorts, and what else had append to them sense their corruption from generation ago?
10086698
Funny that you mentioned Starswirl and the Other Spirit. Next week won't have a new chapter, but rather a rewrite of the first chapter, that is just to explore the Host and his relationship with early Equestria. Old Starswirl will be getting a bigger role too, his pupil aswell. And the political intrigue is most likely going to dive deeper.
10086714
Neat will be looking forward to it.
I found this and finally thought I found a good read but the A/N in the beginning hit me. Guess I'll wait until they do become relevant.
10111870
Unfortunately, my earlier chapters were more or less complete disasters and they need some extreme rewiring.
Interesting, this fills up a lot of the gaps on what happened before, it might remove some of the mystery of what happened to the unicorns, but it does help to give a lot of context about how the alicorn sisters just suddenly appeared and helped to free the unicorn from his power and define their expected to rule Equestria, and help gather and unite the three tribes, at least before the alliance already was establish just before it became official. Makes me wonder if Starswirl had originally planned to force unity between the tribes at first and this even just allowed to create their image of saviors as beneficent rulers that they are now. I wonder If Stegient had anything to do with all of this somehow, seeing that he exhibit similar powers?
10167954
Stygian will get his own time to shine too.