She sat in the corner of Sugarcube Corners every day wearing an old ragged stetson. She never took it off, not for anything. For ten years the frayed and dusty hat stayed upon her head. One day as she sat staring out the window of Sugarcube Corners, the waitress asked her why she wore such an old relic. With a bittersweet smile, Applebloom told her a tale of ten years ago.
A horrible day in history Equestria would rather forget. Seven brave mares time forgot. And the vow her sister had made upon it's brim and the hope it symbolized for the withered mare.
Chapters (5)
The description piques my interest. Will give it a read.
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I appreciate that, it's two years in the making, chapter two coming soon. Literally, almost done, my testers voted on chapter by chapter as usual instead of all at once. Stay tuned.
It's a good story, but rather clunky with all the jumping back and forth between time periods. Those made it somewhat confusing. For example, I had to go back and read it twice to realize Applejack had already given her hat to Apple Bloom and had gone off to war without it. At first reading, I thought when she said, "Ah'm gonna get mah hat back!" I thought she was talking about getting it back from the Changelings.
Great story so far, now give me chapter two!
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Not sure how I can make "Ten years ago"
a bit clearer, tbh. Will work on it. Thank you for your thoughts, glad you are enjoying it~
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XD Working on it! I promise. Chapter Two- "The Day the Elements died" is in production. Stay tuned.
Glad you are enjoying it! <3
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Ooh, the chapter name! Yes, yes, yes, yes, YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
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Not quite the message I'm trying to portray, but I have always enjoyed that song and yep I can definitely see AJ singing that. Or in this case, Applebloom.
Honestly, this is a pretty cool concept for a story, and incredibly in-character too! There's nothing that's more important to an Apple than family, so it'd make a lot of sense as to why Apple Bloom would continue to faithfully wear her sister's stetson for more than ten years straight.
There's a bunch you do good in this chapter. You're incredibly detailed with your description of everyone, and how they've evolved over the last ten years since their battle with the changelings - Applebloom's ragged looks, the change to Rainbow's mane, and Rarity's prosthetic. Pinkie Pie's adoption of the twins is legitimately heartwrenching, and something of a nice nod to how she ends up in the end of S9. Jumping between perspectives is tricky, but you manage it well for the most part - Pinkie's perspective is particularly valuable.
There's still a few bits that could be improved on, if you don't mind constructive criticism. Firstly, you use the word approximately 5 times in this first chpater, and twice within the opening paragraph - the word might be a bit overused. While jumping perspectives is a valuable tool, jumping between several different scenes and time periods can leave things a bit confusing to read, and ultimately detracts from the primary focus of the scene - the mystery of a ragged, stetson-wearing Apple who's routinely eaten at Sugarcube Corner for years. Finally, while you're incredibly dedicated to describing how characters look, it's... almost extra extrapolation in certain points. More words than necessary.
Just for example with that last point - describing Rainbow's scars and main colors, and Rarity's prosthetics are necessary, since they're major changes to characters we know well. But during Applebloom's flashback, there's a vivid description of Applejack in the prime of her life. Why? What's the point in describing how well-muscled she is, or what her cutie mark looks like, when that's something both the reader and AB would know well?
(if you wanted to put that type of description in perspective, framing it through the lens of a tiny AB admiring her older sister's strength and the fact she has a cutie mark would work, at least imo?)
Either way, I'm looking forwards to seeing where this fic goes. It has a lot of potential. And please don't mind my mammoth of a comment - I have a bad tendency to be wordy.
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I can almost see your point about overuse problem is you never clarified what word exactly. The description matters about AJ because the story "ain't done yet Sugarcube"
I do have a very meticulous way of incorporating everything I write and the next chapter will be one to see. Your criticism is well thought out and were it a normal way of writing (I genuinely have no clue what's next to come until I actually write it) I would very most likely agree but I can promise however everything I write is deliberate and measured.
The time jump thing is tricky but honestly it is required to indicate how long, and when; you'll see why soon enough.
I appreciated the detailed analysis of my writing and honestly would like to extend an invite to be a test reader (no it's not about grammar but rather emotional first response to material as it is done paragraph or sometimes section by section) since you seemed so passionate on the good and bad.
Thank you for your thoughts and I hope you stick around. More to come and many more short and first chapters to appear soon. I work on them all at once so I don't get burnout.
Yay, update! No fair, cliffhanger!
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It's sadly a habit of mine, but hopefully, you'll stick around to uncover what happened next ;)
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It's fine! Most stories have cliffhangers, so you kinda get used to it. And you don't have to worry about me not sticking around!
ACK! The feels!
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glad to see you are still enjoying it. Hope you are ready for a ride, it's about to get real
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Toot toot! All aboard the feels train!
cant wait for more, this is awesome
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That is very encouraging. thank you~
everyone talks big until Fluttershy throws a haymaker
with that out of the way, loved this chapter, I get sucked in more with every word. It's a heartbreaking story, but there's something tragically beautiful about it
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FlutterHulk TRIGGERED.
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you might not believe it, but this story is based on my older brother and I...Some bridges can never be repaired.
Lore-wise...This story is almost over...though I do hope you'll enjoy what's coming up.
I'm glad you are enjoying it.
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Enjoying the ride, are you? I think I did Flutters quite the justice considering how much I despise her...I never did like looking at mirrors. For once I feel bad for spike as well...Though perhaps he can smile again...and maybe just maybe we can all finally learn what happened to Applejack. Only time will tell. Stick around~
i had to reread this one a couple times. but i enjoyed it. a good finale. thanks for the story
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<3
I love it so far.some questions though:did the rest of the elements not kept in touch with the others?For ten years?Also why doesn't Pumpkin and the rest know about the elements?or even AB?
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my stories tend to have a "you won't know until the end" scenario for my readers. If after you finish you still have questions, just message my pm and I'll be glad to explain.