Where is Pinkie?.exe

I am an average brony... but I have experienced far more than those others. I receive a small pony game and I play it. But to my surprise, it isn't JUST a game.

EDIT: Thank you for the advice. Especially Mr.Haze, Quick Fix, DRR and Unahim. I hope you like the new version. And thanks for the feedback DerpedRainbow.

Chapters (2)

Where is Pinkie.exe · 26th Aug 2012 · 2,032 words
2,032
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Where is Pinkie.exe Alternate Ending · 26th Aug 2012 · 317 words
317
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Comments ( 16 )

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DerpedRainbow

DerpedRainbow #1 · Aug 21st, 2012 · · · Where is Pinkie.exe ·

First!
Also I have to say that this doesn't sound nearly as scary as the Luna Game. Is this an actual game?
Could use a bit of work on the dialouge if it isn't a game, but a nice fic none the less.

Mr. Haze

Mr. Haze #2 · Aug 21st, 2012 · · · Where is Pinkie.exe ·

I cannot stress this enough, SPACING. You need separate paragraphs man. I like the idea of your story, but there's no real build up or character developed. All I read was some guy named Chris opens up a game and all fuckin' hell breaks loose. Some grammatical errors, but that's understandable, we all make a few typos. All in all, I'll give a thumbs up. It was an interesting story.

Scarlett Haze

Scarlett Haze #3 · Aug 21st, 2012 · · · Where is Pinkie.exe ·

Conversation in the story needs to be split as people talk. Even in short conversational bursts like the chat piece at the beginning. Here's a small bit of editing for you.

'Hey.' I reply.
'DUDE. I messaged you like a 100 times!' He messaged me.
'I can tell.' I answer back.
'So,.. Did ya?' He asks.
'Did I what?' I ask him.
'Where is Pinkie. Did you play it?'
I look at the Mediafire tab. The download link is 'Where is Pinkie.exe. I tell him no and he goes nuts! After a few minutes of him blabbering about how AWESOME the game is, I tell him I'm will download it and play it as soon as possible. He settles down with an 'Oh, ok! and goes offline.

There are a few areas that can be fixed by adding commas.

If this was meant to disturb me, sorry, I was resistant throughout the whole thing. The story is an interesting thought, but I'll stick with Luna Game if I need to be disturbed. Or watch this -

DeathRiseRobo

DeathRiseRobo #4 · Aug 21st, 2012 · · · Where is Pinkie.exe ·

Heyo.
DRR here.
GRAMMATICAL SERVICE, GO!
I rub my eyes with my arm-should be rubbed. Past tense.
More issues:
I get for too much playing games at night-for playing games too much.
Btw, you can't switch between past and present tense like that.
Keep it in past tense; how you started it.
There's too many errors in that; I can't fix it.
More.

I look at my laptop,-Looked. Past-tense.
All of his messages were the same. Asking me if I played it yet.-You need to add a ; in between same and asking.
He messaged me. -He is lowercase, and add a comma instead of an exclamation mark.
I tell him I'm will download it and play it as soon as-It's not I'm, it's I. Also, told him.
Anyway, I'll fave this and work more on it later.

Aru

Aru #5 · Aug 21st, 2012 · · · Where is Pinkie.exe ·

Wall of text. Fix that and you would have more actual readers. I'm not going to read it now. I was looking for short story to read not to suffer while doing it :P

Unahim

Unahim #6 · Aug 21st, 2012 · · · Where is Pinkie.exe ·

There's like 2 errors in that 1 sentence you have as a description already... "than then" and "a indie game" (it's an). Not going to read if that's the overall quality...

ThegreatH