A Nightmare To REMember

For the past six days, the students in the Canterlot area have been dying in their sleep. Aside from how much magic they’re been exposed too, there are no leads into what is causing this. By the sixth night, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash are the only survivors of their close circle of friends. Can Twilight find a way to keep them alive, before fatigue takes over? Will it even be worth it if she survives?

Special thanks to Sparrow and a Viola (also the cover artist) for their help in making this story better than it would of been.

Written for the halloween in April contest

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TheOneAJ

TheOneAJ #1 · Apr 21st, 2020 · · ·

Notes from the pre-readers:

Title suggestions; because I suck at them -/-

Sparrow: Title suggestion: The N.R.E.M Experiment or N.R.E.M
Viola: I've been trying to think up a title for your story as inspiration for the cover art. I was thinking "Don't Fall Asleep" or something like that. Maybe "Comatose Friendship" could also work!
Me: My mind drifted to, nightmare in cnaterlot for a bit ^^’ XD. While your first idea sounds good, it would feel like I’d just be insulting Dont Open The Door in quilty comparison >.>
Viola: Nightmare In Canterlot High sounds good too
Me: And while Nightmare, at, Canterlot High didn’t sound too bad, a bit it n the noise
Viola: What about Comatose Friendship? I know they aren’t in a coma, but I couldn’t think of anything else
Me: Yes I think right path, although I’m not loving the word, comatose. Like you said, not accurate to being with anyways
Viola: How about “In Your Dreams”, since it works with the dream theme and it’s something people say when they don’t think something can happen, which works with the uncertainty theme in your story. These were ideas sparrow and I had for the title: NREM, REM, NightmareREM
Me: I’ll have something soon!
*five hours later*
Me: Don’t Fall Asleep
Friendship is REM
A Nightmare To REMeber
So close... tell you what, you did the art and hard edit, whatever name you’d think sounds the best and would look good in red text on the cover art, you decide I trust your judgment
Viola: I like "A Nightmare To REMember"
Me: the do it, girl!

And that’s how the title was made

First impression of the first draft;

Viola: I've read the whole story. I like the premise behind it. I feel there could be some more details about the deaths, but I understand you only have 5k words to work with. Most of my critiques below consisted of sentence and grammatical errors. If you ever decide to make a follow up story, I think doing one on Rainbow Dash's experience after she goes to sleep with the device on would be nice, or you could incorporate that into this story.
Viola also left such a comment on the google doc, and discord DM. This was the discord;
I've read the whole story. I like the premise behind it. I feel there could be some more details about the deaths, but I understand you only have 5k words to work with. Most of my critiques below consisted of sentence and grammatical errors. If you ever decide to make a follow up story, I think doing one on Rainbow Dash's experience after she goes to sleep with the device on would be nice, or you could incorporate that into this story.

Not a bad idea, but will likely not happen. I have a big grip about the whole, not showing the monster, thing. But you (you reading this) let me know. Maybe I’ll do something in the future to add onto this

for context, my little horror bird senpi Sparrow. Was a real treat to get him as a pre-reader for this story

Sparrow: Ok, I just read your story, and I have some criticism
Me: yay! Go ahead, was worried you would of, which have been a okay
Sparrow: The idea around it is great, but the way it plays out in the end is inconclusive and disappointing. The buildup leads to just a tragic death, and there's no explanation makes the story seemed unfinished.
It needs tons of fixing if you plan on winning the contest. If I read this on Fimfiction, I would've been very disappointed, and that's the case with many great stories with fantastic buildup, but the ending kills it.
I have some ideas to make the story better. Maybe hinting at something blatantly obvious that's the culprit in the endeavor, and as Twilight goes to commit suicide, she realizes the link between the deaths, and right when she realizes this, she falls asleep. See what I mean? By hinting at a link that connects all the deaths, it makes the story more whole than incomplete
Me: You know, I was somewhat thinking that, but I was going for more a, twi not listening and regretting angle at first
Original draft just had higher implications that it was magic than I thought, and was more about twilight disregarding a magical cause
I do admit, having it more plausible for a natural cause dose work better for something open ended. Still, I seemed to also learn vague can be the better evil in most/some case.
Sparrow: The regret storyline idea would require more story to really get the tragic ending to feel absolutely TRAGIC. That's more for something beyond the limit of 5k words.
me: *shrugs* dont disagree although there’s a double edge in this case of not being sure how motivated id feel, with my life atm, if I didn’t have that word count limit so I could fall on telling more as an excuse as well
Although how’d the rainbow and sunset death scenes in themselves do? Kind of added the sunset flashback on V’s suggestion?
Sparrow: The scenes were done well, but again the lack of COD just makes it seemed rushed as hell.
Me: COD?
Sparrow: cause of death
Me: ah. Yay!!!
Sparrow: It just needs something to make that ending better, and the linking between the deaths imo, is the best route to go. But that's up to you, my friend. I've just given the criticism you asked for, so yeah.
Me: Well that I can/will work with! Give me a day or two to mull over and, even if it’s not enough to where it could actually win, it might be decent enough to where you would of given it a like if we wherent friends
I really like the idea of playing more with suggesting the possibility that what’s going on could just as likely me naturally as magical in the end while still keeping my original idea that lead to the ending.

Well at least I’m good at writing death. Take that as you will ^^’

Chat with Sparrow after drafting the final draft

Me: Now for the moment of truth!... would you of given it a like if you read it one FIM :(
Once the grammar edits were applied, of course ^^’
Sparrow: Um... I would've probably had to have read it a few times to get the whole connection with the groundhogs and how it caused all of them to get infected.
Me: That was a new audition I came up with upon your earlier suggestion ^^’
For whatever reason was just the first animal I thought of. Well, you’re not saying you’d dislike it, so it will have to do ⭐️ 😍 😎

Originally, I was going to end the Sunset and Rainbows scene as such;
Twilight never noticed any pain in her bloody feet until morning....

Twilight didn’t even notice the pain in her hands until morning.

This is how Sparrow talked me out of it;

Sparrow: Pointless exposition that doesn't focus on the main subject of the flashback. Remove.
*commented at sunsets death before getting to rainbows
Me: still think so after rainbows death? My first thought was it; she was so high on adrenaline and emotions, pain doesn’t register with her brain. But then I’d figured it make some nice connective tissue of twilight losing everything.
Sparrow: No the pain of the glass in her feet. The main objective was the loss of the one she loved, so it was pointless exposition adding in the part about not feeling the pain in her feet until the next day. It's not important to the objective, so it's not needed.
Me: 🤔 eh, may or may not, but now I’ve got that to think about if I will or won’t keep it. Thanks 👌
Sparrow: If you read it without it added, it makes no difference, hence why it's not important to Twilight's loss of her beloved. Take it from someone who has been writing stories his whole life. If I would've read it like that on Fimfiction, I would've found it out of place and just weird.

Sparrow: Add; Suddenly, therehere was a loud crash from the kitchen that made Twilight jump Then, remembering that Sunset had departed to the kitchen, her heart dropped like a stone.
Me: absolutely LOVEthe additions you made for sunsets death
was a real struggling with that connective part tbh ^^’
Sparrow: Well, I have a reputation to uphold XD

I wonder if maybe I boosted his ego a smidge there... I’m sure it’s fine.

“No, no, no! I can’t lose you too!” Twilight let go of the helmet and started to hyperventilate. “I can’t! I can’t! I can’t…”*
Viola: remove “
Me: Hey, what’s up with this? I thought you always needed those between conversations

Viola: Sparrow said it's not necessary. I’d ask him about it. Personally I don’t agree, but that’s what he said to do.

Sparrow: From what I learned, and I could be wrong, if a sentence ends with ... you don't put the quotation marks.
Me: same with -“ cause that tends to be a huge pain for me in some writing formats >.>
Sparrow: - yes ? no. Just auto submit it. It makes no difference, and the other option is mainly if you aren't confident in the story being acceptable.

I’m aware sometimes you’ll see it there, sometimes not. Think of this story and the next one as an experiment on that...

Vinyl, the Shadowbolts, Juniper.
Sparrow: add; and Juniper
Aj: what I do wrong here? I spell the name wrong? 🌎 :/
Sparrow: no. The rule is if you use more than three subjects in that manner on the end one, a conjunction needs to be added.

pinkie pie
shadowbolts
Sparrow: Capitalize character names dammit XD
Me: And I would of edventualy cap all the names |-(
... probably :/

Twilight began to attach the wires-
Me: the wires have a name they use in hospitals to monitor pulse?
Viola: From what I could find, they're called ECG lead wires.

”This will work.” She said....
Me: there a word for when you try to promise something you can’t be absolutely sure is true?
Viola: Empty promise?
Me: I like that!
Sparrow: halfheartedly
Me: I love that!!!

Twilight adjusted her glasses to Sunset. “Well then, please *then tell me what kind of magic is causing this and how we keep our friends from dying.**”
Sparrow: *Delete this. No need for this to be here.
** add ?!
Twilight is speaking in an irritated manner but also questioning at the same time

No idea how that happened -/-

Timber:
Glories dead, I’m having nightmares and waking up with cuts and bruises. What’s happening to me?!
Sparrow: Italicize this. It's not part of the main storyline, so it confuses readers if it's not specified as outside the storyline.
Me: I’ll get to it on FIM!

What? Google docs and fim gets funky why you bold and ita between them >.!

we and our friends, were the only ones affected.
Sparrow: The audience already knows the characters are specifically connected to Equestrian magic, so no need to address that.
Me: Okay, but going with this instead; we were the only ones affected.

Four Days since the first nightmare 8:27 p.m., Sunset Shimmers apartment.
Sparrow: The place of the setting isn't needed here. That's more of something to be explained in narration. Having the "four days since the first nightmare" is fine, but add the time into the story description, not the header. it should also be italicized to show it's not part of the storyline.

each of them below the age of *19.
Sparrow: Each of them below the age of *nineteen.

Most disappointed since I’m know to be, numbers must be written! Guess I wasn’t thinking you needed to do that for ageZ.

And finally, a little something lighter to end these notes off I found funny/cute;

The clock read *11;27 p.m. Neither of them had slept in days.
Viola: Should be a Colon ( : ), not a semi-colon for the time
Me: Hehe ^^ happy faces made there :3
Viola: Yeah, heh :3

And that’s it for these notes/ little time capsule. See ya next month for mer-May! 👋 🐠

The Blue EM2

The Blue EM2 #2 · Apr 21st, 2020 · · ·

Well...that was spooky.

anonpencil

anonpencil #3 · Apr 22nd, 2020 · · ·

Thank you for the entry! I look forward to reading it.

Crocoshark

Crocoshark #4 · Apr 24th, 2020 · · ·

I like the title "A Nightmare to REMember."

Minor critique:

Timber:
Glories dead, I’m having nightmares and waking up with cuts and bruises. What’s happening to me?!

"Glories dead" - I dunno, seems like a death would warrant not shortening the person's name and moving on to describing your nightmares. I feel like that text message makes it feel to trivial. I'd expect that kinda note from a log entry of a scientist chronicling the day-by-day deaths of his team in the wilderness rather than a frightened teenager.

The part where Twilight says "I can't" to Rainbow Dash volunteering also felt, I don't know, a little too fast?

Otherwise a decent fic, though I personally felt more sadness and mystery than fear.

Anyway, typos!

she reached for her coffee cup and downed it all in one glup.
- *gulp

Never from the injuries themselves, but from either a heart attack or stroke. Even through the bloody remains that had been Pinkie Pie, it had been the blood loss that killed her.
- *hadn't been the blood loss

Rainbow Dash bit her lips
- Just "bit her lip", I don't think people usually bite more than one lip at a time.

Or rather her basement , turned lab, now turned sheltered.
- *shelter

“Twi, be reasonable. You need to be the one to observe what’s going.”
- What's going *on

She continued to stroke Rainbow’s hand, until it went limb - Not only is this a typo, it's an unintentional pun. Get it? She stroked her hand until it went LIMB.

or how they can injury you,
- injure* you

The room became to illuminate with the flashing red warning lightsque - - *Illuminated

TheOneAJ

TheOneAJ #5 · Apr 24th, 2020 · · ·

10198073
Very much appreciated and glad you at least somewhat enjoyed ^^’

TheOneAJ

TheOneAJ #6 · May 1st, 2020 · 1 · ·

10194177
Ah well. Still was nice to experiment and have an excuse for sparrow, aka brony of horrors, to help me on something ❤️ ^^
Hope you enjoyed and our efforts at least produced a 3/5 ⭐️

anonpencil