I write well when I am brave enough to speak my mind. Soy milk fund
Dumb-bell panics after his girlfriend cancels their date at the last minute.
On a related note, male kirins look exactly like female kirins if you add some false eyelashes.
Dumb-bell and Hoops are two of the Boy Bullies in MLP. Winter Flame is a background kirin.
Inspired by this tweet from Jim Miller: link
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Yeah, I can see this as not being overboard. They were both REAL douchebags even as kids.
Is this actually incomplete? Or is it a mislabeled one-shot?
69 views... nice
Also...
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Fixed it
I am really happy someone wrote a fanfic about this, it's a pretty cool thing that the male kirins have the same body type as females. Lovely work!
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Thanks!
This was a fun little story (although it seems like the "sex" tag is misapplied, since there's none of that here, let alone "non-con" or "fetish"), but there's something I want to point out: Jim Miller's quote about the eyelashes being the kirins' only visual indicator of sex is wrong. As we see hinted at via the chart you've linked to, the other sign regarding their sex is the number and positioning of the chevrons on their horns.
Specifically, females always have either a single chevron, or two that point in the same direction:
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/7/76/Autumn_Blaze_tilts_her_head_in_confusion_S8E23.png/revision/latest?cb=20180930210907
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/f/f6/Applejack_enunciating_her_name_to_Kirin_S8E23.png/revision/latest?cb=20180930185223
Whereas males will always have two chevrons that point in opposite directions:
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/f/f4/Two_Kirin_staring_at_Fluttershy_S8E23.png/revision/latest?cb=20180930193123
This isn't to say that the eyelashes don't matter; they also serve as an indicator in that females have pronounced lashes and males don't:
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/1/18/Kirin_smiling_and_drenched_in_water_S8E23.png/revision/latest?cb=20181001042448
But that's really it. Given that male kirin aren't otherwise any taller or bulkier than females are, that they have protruding muzzles like mares rather than a sloping brow like most stallions, and that their heads are round rather than square (though, to be fair, there are some stallions with rounded heads, and some mares with square ones), it's not surprising that most ponies would find kirin males to be very effeminate in appearance, to the point where (deeper voices notwithstanding) they couldn't tell the difference between them and female kirin.
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Although I am aware of this now, I was not aware of this prior to writing the story. But I suppose most ponies (such as Hoops) would not be aware of the significance of the chevrons, and so would not notice it.
I am not really sure where the "fetish" tag comes in, but it was fun throughout
I don't think I've read any other fic that plays with the kirin lack of sexual dimorphism. I kept wondering if this was going to veer into a farce, a clopfic, or something, but it played out pretty seriously in the end!
Having spent time around real horses, gender is very obvious from the side view. Maybe if Winter Flame wore a dress? Also if you couldn't talk maybe bring a pen and paper?
The first thing is first: an ellipse always has a space after it. Second: your genre tags could use a cleanup. As the site defines them, the comedy and sad tag are opposed to one another in purpose, tone, and conclusion. This was to the point where there were actually some semi-decent tag rules put in place and only lifted around 2019 in site updates, where tags that were mutually exclusive couldn't be used together; it impacted the OG tags and the results were: from a point in 2012 onward Sad/Comedy and Adventure/Slice of life were not tag combos you could use. Seeing how much people on the site have forgotten a fundamental understanding of what these mean, it'd honestly be great to bring them back. Combos that you'd likely be searching for are drama/comedy and tragedy/comedy, both would fit the Fimfiction understanding of these genres, and like the old tag rules it'd show a good understanding of these genres outside of ponyfic too. Your story would benefit from using one of those, with drama/comedy fitting better because this isn't told through Hoops' POV, and with how the ending wraps up in particular
Other than that, when Winter is in his female disguise, you don't need to constantly double-quote around the word "she" when single quotes or even italics would do and give more of the implication you want. The same goes for when it appears around other words, like "motions" and the like. i might not have the best recall at times, but I know it isn't correct to use these fuckers here "" within dialogue with quotes in American English.
What you're trying to render there is the word ain't.
The tilde is best used sparingly, and the best usage I've seen to offer a consistent meaning to it is when a character has a kind of flirtatious, teasing tone to their voice. Possibly both. Here, it comes across as inappropriate and an em dash could do, or you could get by with dropping it entirely.
To make these remarks feel more 'in-place' in the story and give them better flow, have Flitter acknowledge that she finally understood that Wnter "Flower" was trying to tell her something.
This would be the optimal space to make reference to the implication that you gave above: that he's broken relationship boundaries and cheated before, that she doesn't want this to happen a third time.
So, two concluding thoughts: an apology from Dumb-bell about apologizing to Winter for not recognizing the importance of attempted assault/creeping on someone would be a good lesson to stick in after the remark about Flitter 'having the balls' to be the one to stand up. It shows that he learned something important and cares about the safety of his friend. That's absent from this version, and while they're clearly on good terms after this and still friends, the lack of resolution there makes it hard to fully enjoy. Sexual assault isn't a plotpoint I see used often, and certainly not in a comedy where the actual assault is not handled creepily in some way. This felt like the subversion of a lot of recent decades of comedy -- y'know, something vaguely out of an '80s bromance comedy -- but with an ultimately more appropriate stance than some of them had, and more open bicurious/homiesexual flair that's much more welcome too. I really enjoyed the story, but the advertising for it (like the genre tags) almost made me reconsider if this hadn't been from a writer I was familiar with and knew was skilled. It also doesn't suit the tone of the ending, which is actually extremely positive and leaves off with a creep being dateless. The only thing really missing is an apology to the homie that brings things to full recognition and would leave us with a more aware protagonist, but that could be edited in. For now, this was an easy upvote and add to my upvote shelf, but a tweak to the content for not listening to the friend would have me move this higher. It also would balance out the transition between ideas in dialogue well.
I'd also suggest removing the 'fetish' tag. You don't present cross-dressing as a fetish in here. It's purely a plot-point.
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Firstly, thank you for your detailed review. I'm glad you trust me enough as an author to read this but I assure you some of my stuff is garbáge.
I think the cover, short description, and tags are to a story like clothes are to a person...and I never really had a great fashion sense. This story has been kind of old and forgotten for a while and others have said similar things to you about the tags--I made some changes in response to your comments.
As a
degenerateconnoisseur of the (fairly niche) genre of crossdressing manga, I guess this story was me trying to create the endings and the plots to these stories that I wish I were able to read.11533264
The cover is whatever you want it to be, especially if it inspired the story. The tags are what it is in the broadest categories. The short description is the leanest description of the product.
I like your ideas and you should write more of them. Returning to the story of these two would be based and homisexualpilled.
I enjoyed this! Well done. I'm glad Flitters stood up for herself with Winters help.
If Old Spice body wash commercials are anything to go by, then women regularly use Old Spice body wash because of how well it moisturizes skin.
At the very least, they steal their man's Old Spice all the god damn time.
Also, did neither of these guys brush their teeth before the reunion?
Scarier question:
Do either of them ever brush their teeth?
Ugh! I can still taste the worst open mouth kiss taste I've experienced and it's been a little over a decade.
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I did not know that. "Why are scents even gendered?" is the better question
Minuette makes sure they do
derpicdn.net/img/2024/4/3/3336359/large.png