Guy Talk
Lost Innocence
Episode 12
“I’m Snails.”
“I’m Snips.”
“And I’m Spike. This is Guy Talk where we objectify females in a society dominated by them. Today, we have a lot to talk about, but I’d like to thank Snails for saving our tails.”
“Aww, it was nothing.”
“Don’t thank him! He doesn‘t deserve anymore thanks.” Snips said pointing a hoof at his friend.
“You should be thanking him too! If it weren’t for Snails, you’d be extra crispy!” Scratch pointed out.
“I could have done that! If only I hadn’t gotten knocked out, I’d be the one with fillies hitting on me.”
“What are you talking about?” Spike asked.
“I’m talking about all the attention he’s been getting from fillies. It was one thing when they ignored both of us, but now they walk up to both of us and act like I don‘t exist.”
“Snails’ popularity has really skyrocketed since the last episode. With Spike dating Apple Bloom, he might overtake Spike as the most popular character on the show.”
“Wait a second! I got less popular when I started dating Apple Bloom. How’d that happen?”
“Your availability was part of your charm, Spike. Dating Apple Bloom took you off the market and now they have to look elsewhere.” Scratch explained.
“I was supposed to get all that attention. What’s he got that I don’t?” Snips whined.
“Standards.” Spike pointed out.
“Height.” Scratch added.
“Alright, I get it! We’re different! Tell me why fillies like him more than me.” Scratch decided to fill him in.
“Snails is sensitive, and you’re… ” The mare paused for a moment trying to find the right way to let him know. “Umm… just different.” She laughed.
“What’s that supposed to mean? I don‘t get it.” Spike decided to clear up the confusion.
“I think what Scratch is trying to say is you can be a bit of an insensitive jerk at times.”
“When have I ever acted like an insensitive jerk?” Everyone just stared at him for a few seconds.
“Are you serious?” Snails asked.
“We really shouldn’t be surprised by this. He doesn’t even think he did anything wrong.”
“What are you guys talking about?”
“You remember Lucy, Snips?” Scratch said trying to jog his memory.
“Yeah, of course I do. What’s she got to do with this though?” Snips said rubbing his chin.
“I told you. He doesn’t see anything wrong with what happened.” Spike reiterated.
“Can someone tell me what I’m missing?”
“Do you know what a sociopath is, Snips?” Scratch asked.
“Isn’t that like a crazy pony? I‘m not crazy!”
“Nobody’s calling you crazy, Snips. It’s just that we think that you have an inability to notice other people’s feeling sometimes.” Spike pointed out.
“Notice other people’s feelings? What‘s that supposed to mean?”
“Didn’t you feel kind of bad for Lucy when you broke up with her?” Snails asked.
“Not really. I mean it sucked that she had to get all emotional and hit me, but I can’t complain since I got laid at the end.” Spike decided to just level with him.
“Girls like it when you consider their feelings, Snips. Do you understand what I’m saying?” Spike explained.
“I did consider her feelings. They were part of my plan, remember?”
“I think you should consider a filly’s feelings as more than a way to get something you want.” Snails explained.
“That doesn‘t make any sense.”
“Just do something to make her happy and not because it might get you laid.” Spike told him.
“Why would I do that if I didn‘t want sex?”
“It shows her you actually care about her feelings. Fillies dig that kind of thing.” Scratch’s word gave the colt something to think about.
“Okay, I guess, but how do I do that?”
“Do something that let’s her know sex isn’t all you’re after. Apple Bloom wants to wait till she’s married to have sex. I’m not exactly thrilled about it, but I agreed with it because I care about her.”
“What! That’s crazy! I‘m not doing that.”
“It’s just an example. You just have to do something out of the kindness of your heart and for no other reason. Pretend like Scratch is an innocent filly and just try to be nice.” Spike advised him.
“What do you mean pretend? I have the heart of an innocent filly and that’s what counts.”
“Really?” Spike cocked an eyebrow at the mare.
“Mostly innocent… kind of innocent?” Spike just stared until she decided to prove him wrong. “Fine! I‘ll show you the power of my maiden heart!”
“Remember it’s not about sex. Just try to be nice.” Snails reminded him.
“Hey, baby! I like that wild, unkempt thing you got going on with your mane. It‘s so cool that you don‘t care how you look.”
“What’s wrong with my mane?” Scratch said seriously concerned about her look.
“You’re supposed to be nice, Snips! Why were you insulting her?” Spike asked.
“I was being nice!”
“If that’s your nice, I hate to see your mean.” Spike sighed.
“Why don’t you try then?” Snips said putting the dragon on the spot.
“I’m… uhhh… in a relationship I can’t.” Spike said nervously scratching his head.
“Aha! You can’t because you don’t know how to hit on girls!” Snips accused him.
“B-but I have a girlfriend!”
“Who you didn’t pick up I might add! Go on and show us your moves then.” Snips dared him.
“Fine, I-I’ll show you!”
“Guys, you like my mane, right?”
“Your mane is beautiful, Scratch. It makes you look very cool.” Spike told her.
“Really? You mean it?” She said playing with her mane a bit. Spike was beginning to think she was taking this innocent thing way too serious.
“Yeah, so do you maybe… want do something later?”
“You mean like with a kiss at the end?” She said fiddling with her hooves and occasionally looking in Spike’s direction.
“You know what I mean, Scratch. Quit playing and just answer the question.” Spike was becoming a little freaked out by her little act.
“This is all happening so fast! Before you know it, we’ll have a white picket fence and a house full of babies.” She giggled. Spike was thoroughly disturbed now and decided to put an end to it.
“Alright, we get it! You’re very innocent. Now quit acting like that!”
“Are we having our first fight as a couple? This is so incredible! I can’t believe I’m having a fight with my first boyfriend ever.”
“I’m serious, Scratch! Give it a rest!” Spike’s voice had an edge to it that made the mare visibly flinch. She looked at him with an almost pained expression that could have melted the coldest heart.
“Why are you treating me like this? I thought you liked me.” She whimpered.
“That’s enough! You know I have a girlfriend.”
“You have a girlfriend, b-but I thought we had something special. Oh, how could you do this to me, Spike?” She said as she started to sob into her hooves.
“I’m not going along with this.” The dragon said turning away.
“Two timing, Spike? Really?” Snails said shaking his head.
“I don’t blame him. Apple Bloom’s not putting out and he’s got his own needs.” Snips signaled his approval by nodding.
“Not you guys too!”
“Is that what I was, Spike? A beautiful, naïve filly you could string along till you got what you really wanted.” She said as she looked at him. “The sad thing is… I still hope that you might feel something for me. Something more than the animalistic lust that drove you to pursue me.” She played up the drama so much that Rarity might have had her dial her back. Spike just crossed his arms and glared at her.
“Are you done yet?” He asked in annoyed voice.
“They say love makes fools of us all, but…. I feel like I’m the only fool here.” She said looking off into a empty corner. “I always remember those fairy tales about princesses getting kidnapped by evil dragons. I must be a pretty terrible princess if my dragon doesn’t even want me.” She said as she started to sob again.
“Your performance would be a lot more believable if you had… Oh, I don’t know…. actual tears!” Spike pointed out. She quickly levitated a tissue to over her face and began to cry even louder.
“Why are you so cruel, Spike? I only want you to kidnap me! Is that so wrong?”
“Yeah, it’s a crime! It’s called kidnapping.”
“Just do it, Spike! It’ll make her feel better.” Snails shouted.
“Yeah, just kidnap her a little. You’d kidnap Apple Bloom if she asked you too.” Snips added.
“What? N-No, I wouldn’t. Besides, dragons have this thing about kidnapping. It’s complicated.” Spike said nervously looking down and twiddling his fingers.
“What kind of thing?” Snips asked.
“It’s just… dragons take kidnapping very serious, okay! It‘s a genetic thing. I don‘t want to talk about it.”
“How serious?” Snails wondered aloud.
“I told you I don’t want to talk about it!”
“Okay, I got to see this!” Scratch said breaking her character.
“I-I don’t know about this, guys. I did this with Twilight as a game and I got really weird. We just never did it again.”
“Snips take over in the booth.” Scratch said hopping out of her chair and entering the studio.
“Guys, this is a really bad idea. You’re playing with fire. Please do not do this!” Spike said as Scratch approached him and held out a hoof.
“I want you to kidnap me! Go on!” She said holding her hoof. Spike tried to look away but he couldn’t avert his gaze.
“Please…. I really … I real… I…” Spike went quiet for a few seconds as he just stared at her hoof.
“Spike? Are you going to kidnap-” She was interrupted when Spike suddenly grabbed her hoof. “Whoa! You’re being kind of forceful, but it’s pretty interesting- Ow! Your grip is getting a little tight, Spike! Maybe let up a little bit. This is just pretend.”
“Pretend? Who’s pretending, princess?” Spike said as he clutched her hoof even tighter. His claws were starting to dig a bit and it was freaking Scratch out. She tried to pull away but Spike wouldn’t let go.
“Heh heh! Very funny! You got me! Now stop it. You’re hurting me, Spike.” She said starting to panic. As Spike looked up, she saw his eyes had changed from green to bright yellow. It was like looking at an entirely different creature.
“You’re not going anywhere, princess! We gotta wedding to get too! Ours to be exact! Muwahahahaha!” He laughed maniacally.
“Let her go!” Snails jumped up.
“This is not cool, dude!” Snips shouted from the booth. The dragon turned and looked at the two.
“I’ll never let you bumbling heroes take her from me.” Spike said launching a fireball that hit the glass partition with a thud. Snips and Snails dove for cover started to breathe fire everywhere.
“Stop it, Spike! You’re going to hurt somepony!” Scratch said still unable to free herself from Spike’s grip. It wasn’t so much that Spike was so strong she couldn’t break free. She just didn’t want to have to sling him across the room to get free.
“Don’t worry my precious princess! Once we get to my castle, you will be all mine, my innocent little peach.”
“Spike, I’m not a princess and you don’t have a castle.” He stopped
“What are you saying? You’re the innocent, pure princess who will become my bride!”
“I’m not innocent, Spike! You don’t want me as your bride.”
“What do you mean? You said you were innocent!” He snarled as fire came out.
“I-I’m not. I drink straight from the carton. I always eat everything in the fridge even if Octavia is saving it. I borrow her clothes all the time without asking. I play my music at odd hours of the night. I’m not innocent or a princess! You don’t want me as your bride!”
“Ha! I knew you weren’t innocent.” Spike laughed as he let go of her hoof.
“What? I thought you were..” Scratch noticed his eyes weren’t yellow and he wasn’t speaking in a menacing tone anymore.
“Getting you back for always messing with me? You bet I was!” The mare gave him a playful jab to the shoulder.
“You little weasel! Did you really made all that up?”
“Yep.” He said proudly.
“But your eyes were all crazy and stuff.” Snips said.
“I can do that whenever I want. Check it?” He said making his eyes change from green to a glowing yellow.
“What about all that fire?” Snails asked.
“They made everything fire retardant since the last episode. Nothing‘s going to burn in here.”
“Well, we’re about out of time, guys. Any last thoughts?” Scratch asked.
“I got something I want to ask Spike.” Snips said.
“You want to ask me something? Go ahead, I guess.”
“How did the fact that Apple Bloom wanted to wait till marriage come up?” He asked with a sly smile. The dragon nearly jumped out of his scales at the inquiry.
“It just came up, you know.” Spike chuckled halfheartedly.
“No way! I bet you tried something and she totally shut you down!” Snips guessed. Spike faked a cough and quickly changed the subject.
“Well, I guess we ought to end the show. I’d like to thank and-”
“Is that true, Spike?” Snails asked but Spike continued to talk over him as he started to sweat.
“Apologize to everyone who listened to this.”
“I’m Spike and this is Guy Talk-”
“You got to explain this one!” Scratch said.
“Signing off!” Spike said running out of the booth as everyone else gave chase.
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Question: Octavia, have you ever gotten freaky with your cello and/or bowstring?
(The Krabby Patty in this scenario is the update.)
(Which you probably already figured out.)
(Unless you didn't.)
(Then I guess it's a good thing I told you.)
I have one & a comment.
Snips, have you ever had girlfriend for more than a few weeks?
Also, Vinyl and Spike, great acting!
That will show them to not mess with a dragon
Tavi is it true that you and Scratch are a couple?
So happy to finally get an update.
Ha ha ha. I love this more please this is like a really good !
Octavia if you really love her then can you tell her how you feel?
Octavia you are the most magnificent pony to ever grace this world, or any other for that matter. Whenever I close my eyes I picture you with the wind in your mane standing blissfully in a meadow. Then when I have to come back to reality I get a pain in my heart because I know we can never be together. I have but one question for you. Am I a better actor that Spike or Scratch?
So Octavia whats shopping(Grocery or other) with Vinyl like?
Wasn't Snips the guy who tried to get Rainbow Dash to stop signing autographs and rescue the poor pony falling to her death?
How did he get settled with the role of sociopath, and Snails mister sensitive?
please make snips not be an asshole to girls anymore, let him apologize to lucy...PLEASE GOD
Question for Octavia: I'd imagine with such different jobs, you and Vinyl have some rather different and probably hectic schedules, does that make it difficult at all to maintain a relationship?
Question for Spike: Dude, can you change your eyes to any other colors?
"Dear Miss Octavia,"
"I would like to present a select amount of formal inquiries that I have deemed as having a high personal priority to myself, and possibly others. First, and foremost, I would like to ask whether you have or have not, at any point in your life, watched a decent anime. If not, then I would recommend Angel Beats as something both you and your roguishly charming marefriend can enjoy together. Please regard the preceding sentence as a side note. As a possible follow up, I would like to submit another select inquiry. I would like to inquire if you have any experience with the Doctor or Link (both of whom are time traveling heroes) in any of their forms or incarnations, or had any contact with someone who has. As another side note, the current inquiry was made on my part due to my need of alerting one such individual, or preferably one or both entities, that the pocket dimension in which Drakkus Leviathan was sealed has collapsed. Not that this concerns or should concern any regular equestrian, as the concern lies with the Dragon Mages... I mean... DAMMIT! Stupid voice-to-script spell! Great, this was my last one. I have to send it anyways. It's not like I can write in equiish! And its not like I can also use some OTHER method besides a Time Stone-enhanced Dragon-Fire Chaos Transportation Circle to mail this thing! You know what? Screw it! How about this for a follow up question?!? When's your wedding with Vinyl, and can I, by extension, consider myself invited as part of the musical troupe?!? Yeah, hows that for a query!?! Its not like your silly internet livestream is a REAL radio show!"
>Sir, I really don't think that that question is quite what is wanted in this situation. I know you require a question to get past the letter screening, bu- <
"Shut it, Circe!"
*No, you shut it, Res!*
"Up yours!"
"END TRANSMISSION!!!"
*No, wai- ! <
-End of Transmissio-uiyghvbjjghcsnvbhbvbahaghaghghahgaghahgjk.................
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WARNING! Transmission Failure Detected! Incorrect Host Instance: Error Code Epsilon Delta IV!
Readjusting Temporal Coordinates.
Complete.
Recalculating Dimensional Instance Data.
Error.
Readjusting Spatial Coordinates.
Failure.
Recalculating Timeline Allocation Data.
WARNING! Inaccuracies Detected!
Reboot Sequence: Active
........................................
Complete.
Full Scan: Active
Complete.
Warning! Low Reserves!
Magitech Scroll Failure has been directly linked to incorrect charging of the Chaotic Conversion Time Seal and the Chaotic Magic Reserve, causing extensive damage to the Time/Space Calculation Sequence and the Chaos Divination Dimensional Drive.
Repair Sequence: Active
Complete.
Full System Scan: Active
Complete.
..........................................
Self-Destruct Sequence: Active
WARNING: Low power has averted standard emergency procedures and has initiated SAVE protocols.
System will now hibernate indefinitely...
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I have only one question, and it's directed at the fic itself rather than any of the characters. How can this story cause so many facehoofs yet still be entertaining?
I think the brain damage from all my face palming is making me enjoy this story much more than I probably should .-.
Question: What kind of bet did you lose to get stuck here?
Back and still funny as buck!
Question; Are you going to do a episode with Spike getting a growth spurt?
Vinyl Scratch is such a riot.
So, Octavia...are you a ninja?
Tavi why so serious.
Spike what do you think about twerking
3042488
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This message appears in a swirl of crimson flames, plays out, the collapses in on itself to make a pendant of sorts. Not really relevant to anything, just a fun bit of randomness I thought people might find appealing. I know I would. Then again, that's probably a given. I imagine the cast would react in a surprised and vaguely confused manner, probably with someone saying something like "Okay...Moving on..." after an awkward silence.
Yo Octavia... what's your take on the artist Flanksy?
Heeeeeeeeeyyy!
Say, Octavia, do you have any... fetishes of any kind?
Another question!
So you been hanging out with Vinyl long enough to be in a relationship. And since both of you are musical talents, I just had to ask: How do you feel about mixing your classical music with Vinyl's dubstep music, if at all possible?
Hey, Octavia! What's the craziest thing Vinyl has gotten you to do? Follow up question, was there alcohol involved?
YO TAVI!!!
Why did Vinyl wait until the next show to talk to Twilight about Spike's dragon heritage?
Also what did you think of Spike's "joke" with Vinyl?
hey tavi
has vinyl ever drugged you?
Dear Octavia, I must know, do you or anypony you know have a personal composition for your more... fruitful endeavors... some kind that would only be brought up on a show like Guy Talk?...
I'm sure Spike does
WOOHOO!!!!!!!!! THE KING OF EQUESTRIAN COMEDY HAS RETURNED TO US!!!!!!!!!!!!!:yay:
Octavia, what was your reaction to Vinyl's encounter with the Slendermane?
Bucking hay, the Bowser complex is serious business everypony.
dear Octavia
I couldn't help but remember that Vinyl stated you were not into threesomes, where and why was this brought up.
p.s. If you ever change your mind my fat roles will be waiting for you two.
Spike, anal sex is fun ONLY when your girlfriend is receptive to it. You just can't ram your penis into her poop chute thinking that it's gonna be good. That makes the girlfriend mad as hell at you for that, plus the apparent pain, dude!!
Come to think of it, any type of sex w/o the girlfriend's consent is BAD, period. That's rape, dude People, eh...ponies go to jail and are killed for that
Beside you need to disclose that anyway, apparently everypony in the studio already figured that out....and when are we gonna see Octavia making a guest appearance??
good story so far, but i was still hoping for ashley x spike
Dear Octavia,
Is it true that you have a jealous streak a mile wide and would nail a pony in the head if they so much as looked flirtatiously at your lover, in you presence?
Miss Octavia.
My gun crew and I love your work, it helps us calm down after long days. We want to know, what is your inspiration?
Sincerely, Corporal Breach Loader, 12th Equestrian Artillery Regiment
P.S. Spike, get Apple Bloom a cannon. Fillies love cannons.
dear octavia,
what if spike really WAS serious about his kidnapping condition? do you think you would have any chance against spike as competition for vinyls love? do you have any doubts that vinyl would choose you over spike?
Ahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha