Diamond Tiara's problems run deep, and her pride runs deeper. When Diamond Tiara's 'perfect' life is torn out from under her, the last pony you would imagine comes to the rescue. However, when things get complicated by strange new feelings, other pony's foredeemed ideals, and family troubles on both sides of the fence, the two fillies struggle to understand what they mean to each other while their worlds fall apart around them.
Characters will be added as they become important to the story.
Chapters (10)
Before I read:
TWO WORDS:
up-ship.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/house-do-want.jpg
I really hope this is good, my favourite supporting character and my (second) favourite minor villain, shipped together... Just, aw man, really excited.
I so fucking called this!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHAH take that are you people who called me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY ARE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After chapter one: (Yeah I'm gonna do this for all of them, ya said ya wanted feedback and you're gettin it!)
Okay. So basically I love it. Whenever I see a bitchy character I always want to know why they're that way, what makes them tick. You've created a background that makes such beautiful and perfect sense, I'm basically gonna pretend it's canon from now on. I think that having her smoke is a little over the top, but it's certainly not unthinkable.
Now, your dialogue could use some work in places. There are some places where you've awkwardly decided to avoid a contraction, like:
Notice that they're all Diamond's lines, if you're doing that on purpose to try and make her sound more formal or something, it's not really working. She's still just a kid, and those should all be contracted into "that's", "I've got", and "I'm", respectively.
Also,
I think "waa" is a weird expletive to use.
That's all that stood out though, the rest is great. Your emotional prose in particular is phenomenal.
ON TO THE NEXT CHAPTER.
1178137
Thanks, I knew someone would appreciate my favorite ship! It has been a while since I've tried to write anything besides school papers, so if you have any suggestions or ideas for me, I'd love to here it. I hope to have at least a chapter out a day. And no you def are not crazy. There are no two ponies in the pony verse who work out quite like AB n DT. Thanks for reading! -AB
1178206
lolz will do captian!
After reading Chapter 2:
Man, you've got me hooked already. I guess if you acknowledge the fact that the writing is a bit sloppy (a couple typos, incorrect word choice, etc), I have nothing to mention.
So yeah, I think this is great, have a thumbs up. Tracking this so hard, ya don't even know. Pretty pretty please write more.
hmm, I'm intrigued... do continue sir.
1178197
I'm really glad you enjoyed the first chapter. With the way it is written it seems like DT's smoking was added in at the end, so ya right it does come in as over the top. I will try to ease it in better so it doesn't seem unnecessary. I wanted DT ta have at least one flaw she wasn't trying to hide. Your comments about the dialog are spot on. I was paying so much attention on AB's accent that I left DT's speaking style neglected.
When i wrote the expletive 'Waa?' it did seem wrong.
And, yes, please give me help on my writing, I've spent far too long away from this game, and If I didn't want your comments I'd keep my AB and DT to myself :). Feel free to make suggestions too. I used to write some what professionally, and I currently feel like a champion boxer who hasn't exercised in years and spends my day selling waffle iron grills :). First thing I learned when I was trying to be a writer was to know your audience. Well, Y'all are my audience! the more I get out of you all the faster I can improve and get back on my 'pony', as it were. ^.^
Thanks a bunch and I hope you continue to enjoy the story. Oh and I'm doing this as a sort of free writing exercise, on reason for some of the awkwardness is that currently the story is all one draft with no proof reading. I try to go slow enough to keep it readable, but if it isn't i'll apologize in advance. -AB
DT into self-harm? Who knew?
This is just enough off-kilter to demand I read the whole thing.
1178291
yeah, I need to remember how to write something besides papers for Statistical Journals, so I'm putting grammar and word choices on the back burner. If it gets out of control, tell me, and I will clean it up. Or if there are specific cases that I keep messing up, I would gladly correct it. I'll stop saying that I'm open to suggestions in each reply and just hope that everyone knows that I'm open to it. I have some ideas for the story but the only thing really set in stone is that it remains a dark tragedy; I like it weird :).
Don't worry, I will write more. I'm just taking a lil break to gauge if the idea seemed cool to anypony but myself. Expect an update in a few hours! -AB
1178230
:salute: I might have to go to you for my equestrian lotto numbers. I happen to be a Captain, you stalker you!
1178322
:salute: with pleasure sir! I am at your service!
1178470
how'd you know!
So the tensing is terrible and like Reasonandrhyme. Noted, the speaking sometimes sounds weird. That being said, everything else is pretty good. Liked and tracked
So yeah. No offense, but you definitely need to hire an editor or go through a massive grammar overhaul. The grammar gets even worse in chapter 2 and it makes this amazingly well-written story almost impossible to read and it certainly makes it less enjoyable. I still. Ant wait to read more but please tune the grammar. If you need an editor, I'd be glad to do the service for you. Or not, whatever. Anyway good luck and please write more
1178429 Eh. Do you have an editor? Those are cool.
Great chapter.... I demand that you continue
1178429 Okay, you got lucky. I reread the second chapter, realised that the only mistakes were in spelling (With a few minor sentence structure errors), and because of that I decided to edit it real quick.
This only took me maybe 15 minutes, so it's not perfect, but all the obvious errors are gone. And don't worry, I didn't change anything that wasn't explicitly incorrect. It's your story, not mine. Here: my good deed for the day.
1178533
Yeah, I am completely out of practice with the dialog, but I promise to work on it.. I knew I was going to have trouble with it from the get-go. The tenses are all screwed up, I agree. I was not expecting to have trouble keeping the tenses straight, as I am normally very good about that. Because this is def not a normally a problem I have. Some other element is causing this confusion in my brain that i really need to straighten out. To be honest, the tense confusion is a personal pet peeve of mine. I will work that out
.1178640
This was exactly what I was afraid of. I was hoping that my writing experience would make the inevitable errors to still be at least read-able. These extent of editing the first two chapters had was a single spell check. For two reason, 1, didn't want to distract myself from the story and let the creativity out to breath for a second (also thought i was going slow enough to catch enough of em) and 2, I've spend a long time lurking this web-site, and i was unsure if the DT/AB would be received well... much less the slightly over the top angst and light self mutilation,
Also, there def no offense taken, I was actually hoping for a comment like yours. With how out of practiced I am for a story like this, I would be worried if everyone liked it. I will keep a more mindful watch on the grammar, but to be honest, It isn't the main focus of the story.
I would love an Editor. That being said, you taking time to read and comment on my story is already more than I could ask of from a fellow pony. But if you wanted to spend time and effort on my story, It would be my honor, The fact that you would offer actually means a whole lot; you wouldn't offer if you didn't really like how the story starting off. To be honest I'm a bit surprised, I personally liked the story idea, but I didn't think that so many other would too.
1178674
If you are offering the same then the same feelings apply to you. You guys actually got me really excited to work on this. What a great community. I have been on the reading only side of fanfiction for a while, and I don't know the protocol for this territory. If accepting more than one Editor is a faux pas, then please accept my ignorance as apology.. thanks again guys.
1178699
Your demand is my command :salute: thanks for reading! -AB
1178988
It's only a faux pas if you keep them unconnected. Actually, that's not really a faux pas, it's just dumb. Mind you, I'm not saying I'll be your full time editor, I just wanted to fix up the second chapter so that the strengths of your story can shine through. So they aren't covered up by the slop that is poor proofreading.
My critique, pick a tense and stay with it. Switching between past and present tense like that is just plain sloppy.
1179165
I'm more than happy with anything. You guys have already gone above and beyond the call. thank you! -AB
The second chapter was a veritable step up from the first (only in style, story wise it was good from the beginning), keep like this.
It's refreshing to see a fiction where Diamond Tiara isn't a irredemeable bitch. Too many "Silver Spoon breaks away from the EVIL Diamond Tiara and makes friends/romances the Crusaders" are popping out lately. Thank you.
I don't usually read things with the tags Dark or Tragedy, but this is such a rare and beautiful ship... Aw hell, I'm man enough to read this!
[Edit] I'm barely man enough to read this!
1181929
haha, well tragedies rarely get better as they go :P Hope you enjoyed it at least a lil bit though. <3 thanks for reading. :)
Ok well thanks for the opportunity. Next time you have chapter ready just tell me and I'll take a look at it. By the way I love past tense here. It makes the diamond tiara parts amazing>>1178988
1182537
I was over dramatizing that comment just a little bit, instead of actually worrying when Diamond started cutting herself, I was wondering why she doesn't just go to a Blood Bank. I mean, if you want a sting in your leg and some visible blood, you might as well help society while doing it!
However, I certainly feel a little uneasy, as you should feel when reading most tragedies.
1183064
Fair enough, hell, I'm writing it and i feel uneasy. :)
This chapter is much more entertaining if you read Filthy's lines in Cave Johnson's voice.
Can't wait to see how this all unfolds. Cave Johnson, we're done here.
1183088
Cave Johnson? ahahahahaha. I think that is probably the best way to read that chapter. :)
DUN DUN DUUUUNNNNN!
Well looks like Mr. Rich might just get a little bit...(puts on sunglasses) Filthy. YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
I love it!
1183078 for some reason my first thought was
You imbezeling son of a bitch
Well now this book is starting to shape up real nice like
"shit"?
I'm not really sure I see them saying something that.
Something similar and with the same meaning...but, it just seemed a bit off in my opinion.
1183680
Again, I approve. However, you are causing a bit of chaos in my head so have a draconequus dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Discord.png
"Head of Human Resources"
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LYRA!!!
1185891
bahaha, good catch, im dumb.
Pretty great chapter. The grammar also improved a bunch. I didn't really catch anything that seemed out of plac, so.... Yeah. Nice chapter. Have a Lyra.................. Fuck we have no Lyra. Why do we not have a Lyra?
I need moar!
This has potential, but there are a few issues:
-you switch between past and present tense way too often. You should never do that when writing, and if the premise didn't intrigue me so, I'd quit reading.
-having Diamond smoke is a bit unrealistic, but that's just my opinion.
-I find it hard to imagine either of them swearing.
The first is the only issue that really bugs me, but I'm still going to continue on to the other chapters.
Ooh look, an update!
After reading Chapter 3:
Didn't expect to get a new character perspective, but interesting. I'm glad to note that this chapter had significantly fewer mistakes than the previous ones. Great work on cleaning up, Apple. It's still not perfect, but it's definitely an improvement.
One thing I feel obliged to mention is Filthy's elevator exit. The image I get when the elevator doors open again and he's just standing there smiling is really... Goofy. I can't take it seriously. If he just had one little line in there to accompany his smile, I think it would feel a lot more real. Just like this:
Just before the doors shut, however, Filthy caught one in his hoof.
"And everypony," he said, instantly commanding the attention of the entire room, "Great work." He flashed them his signature smile just before the doors closed once more.
Maybe I'm just a little too picky. But yeah, that was the one scene that didn't sit well with me. Nice chapter.
When can I hope to see a new chapter?
So, are you planning to finish this story then? I'd like to know before I start, that notice on the first chapter is freaking me out.
Update?
This story is in need of an update, I say!! Where are my updates!?
This was a nice surprise.
Two month since update !
Is this story still going ?
Is the auther alive?
Will apple bloom get her cutie mark in suicide prevention ?
The world might never know
Gah, damn cliffhanger!