College is a fun time if you meet the right people and get the right teachers. Well college changes in a big way for me. For the past nine months a portal between Equestria and Earth has opened allowing free passage between the two realms. This is the story of how one unicorn could make college life much more different then you think,and her name is Twilight Sparkle from Equestria, and she is going to take me to places I've never been. I didn't even ask for half of this crap like helping aid in saving Equestria. All I wanted to do was have a normal college experience.
Chapters (47)
Sounds an awful lot like "But She's A Pony!" by Uke-Joe, but I'll give it a shot.
Edit: COMMAS, MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE?!?
I'ma go put this on read later, cause I'm tired.
Not the most original idea, but whatever.
It doesn't bother me if it looks like another fic, with the amount of fictions written here it's bound to happen sometimes.
But I'm curious so I'll give it a try!
*crack knuckles*
Lez dodis!
1207940 Yep, and "But she's a Pony" is strikingly similar to "Roommate" So this is the third version of one of these stories. Only Pinkie, Rarity, and Applejack are left, so someone better get on that while the going is still good.
Anyway I'm off to actually read this now.
Could you have any... less... paragraph?
The entire thing is poorly formatted dialogue.
You, sir, need an editor.
and to get an idea of your own, you almost completely ripped off "But, She's a Pony!"
Oh well, We've all at least once ripped off someone else's story, at least once. whether it be for a small element or idea, we've all done it.
>"Yea the human set it up for me." Twilight said.
They understand formal names.
Stop that shit.
Ok. This is a pretty solid story.
But seriously. There is this new grammatical revolution called "commas". Use them man, or you'll start to get a crap ton of dislikes.
Also, if you were inspired in any way by "But, She's a Pony!" you should credit it. It seems kind of dickish to take credit for it. (no offense
)
This
Has no
Plot
At
ALL!!!!!!
It's boring, the puncuation is horrible, and your chapters are novels within themselves! I'm not even a good writer and I've done at least 3x better than this. Normally I'd complain this is a rip off of "But, She's A Pony", but I see that's been done for me already. And the fact that you need an editor. Bad.
1208092
I have to agree with you. Try to re-read what you write after you think your chapter is done. Read it out loud if you need to. Sometimes by doing so, you realize some parts sound really awkward. You'll realize some of your sentences are very long, and you wouldn't be able to say them without breathing in the middle, place a comma there. It's basic, but it would already be better.
I feel the story is too fast paced. We don't have the time to clearly understand what is going that already something else happens.
It could use, and need, a lot of work.
It felt like I was reading a Hemingway novel, with all the confusing dialogue and quotes everywhere.
I'd try re-writing this, with less conversation and more personal narrative. We don't need to know all the details of their introductions and everything.
Also, a clever twist to this story would help, because, as stated before, it's a rip of "But, She's A Pony".
I like where this story is going so far, but the grammar is atrocious. I could edit for you if you want.
1208211
I had 3 people try.
There's no fucking way.
1208216 Fair enough.
Yay. This story seems great! Have an awesome remix!!
I really don't want to discourage OP from continuing a story even if it's a tad unoriginal. However, it is unreadable as of now. It needs grammar.
1208304
Okay, I usually love to support new writers.
I love to see them experience writing, and get better.
But this, this just crosses the line.
Sorry, OP, I do sincerely apologize.
but plz fix everything
1208307 S'bit harsh, no?
1208312 I concur.
1208312 However, it's not a COMPLETE ripoff! Twilight has an hp, and Fluttershy had a mac.
1208349
Oh, you.
1208356
Not sure if sarcasm.
How to use a comma (with FiM-flavor examples)
1. Use commas to separate independent clauses when they are joined by any of these seven coordinating conjunctions: and, but, for, or, nor, so, yet.
"Some people like Pinkie Pie, but I used to think she's Satan."
2. Use commas after introductory a) clauses, b) phrases, or c) words that come before the main clause.
"However, I've eventually come to accept Pinkie Pie."
3. Use commas to separate three or more words, phrases, or clauses written in a series.
"Pinkie Pie likes cupcakes, parties, and being sort of annoying."
4. Use commas to set off all geographical names, items in dates (except the month and day), addresses (except the street number and name), and titles in names.
So, to refer back to your story, "I'm from Macomb Michigan the state we are in right now" should read:
"I'm from Macomb, Michigan--the state we are in right now."
And just generally, use commas where you would ordinarily pause if you were speaking.
Love this story! Will read "But she's a pony!" Later after this!
I volunteer for editor!
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1208216>>1207940>>1207981>>1208116
Alright lets give credit where credit is due.
Credit to The Roommate for the idea of a pony and a human being roommates, easy enough
Credit to But, She's a Pony for having the roommates have romantic interest in each other, in a weird messed up second person but not exactly style of writing
Credit to My Roommate is a pony for inventing comma-less writing, and heavily leaning off of But, Shes a Pony.
Obviously this guy has read But, Shes a Pony, and it was fairly obvious that the concept of my story was the roommate + romance. But let's focus on the story at and here, My roommate is a Pony.
1. Comma:
com·ma/ˈkämə/
Noun:
A punctuation mark (,) indicating a pause between parts of a sentence. It is also used to separate items in a list and to mark the place...
A minute interval or difference of pitch.
This is the main problem with this story. Look I think it's just GREAT if anyone were to make a Twilight Sparkle version of But, She's a Pony. Imitation and Flattery and all that. But I refuse support a story written by someone who doesn't understand the usage of a comma.
2. Twilight Sparkle. That isn't her. She might look like Twilight Sparkle, sound like her, maybe even smell like her, but she is not Twilight Sparkle. This is a random pony in Twilight Sparkle skin.
3. You have some Original ideas. I like that. The keys, the car, the guitar, and he uses an Xbox 360 instead of a Computer, the dog, Katie, you made a joke about bananas somewhere, . You have a sad tag but I have found nothing sad here.
4. Lack of a comedy tag. That is a huge problem. This story is funny.
TL;DR: You need commas, Twilight isn't Twilight, and this story needs a comedy tag, not a sad tag. This isn't a complete hack of But, She's a Pony. Overall, I am eager to see where you go from this. WILL CHARACTER BE A DOG FOREVER? WILL THE MONSTER WHO ABDUCTED TWILIGHT BE FOUND? WILL COMMAS BE INVENTED? Find out next time on 'My Roommate is a pony?'
1208454
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1208454
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.
1208446 if you could please I really need one
OMG please give twilight an xbox live account with the user name as twilightlicious and she plays against princess luna
1208636
How about we don't go off topic, and we write that into a different fic?
1208216 i.qkme.me/3h0h.jpg I am willing to give a try!
And now for some meaningless random thought from BronyCup!
"I think Twilight Sparkle tastes like Vanilla Ice Cream when you kiss her."
This has been meaningless random thought by BronyCup!
1208636 I'm with Texxy bad enough she stole me xbow pretty much
umm is tyler about to have a de ja vu moment and crash his car... wait did twilight uses her magic on him again so she could leave with out being disrupted
1208819 in good time my friend once I write the next chatper
oh and on another note i would like to say that i agree with tyler that what twilight did was wrong... I mean she betrayed his trust by not asking him permission first and then doing it while he was sleeping where a person is supposed to feel safe.
myfacewhen.net/uploads/58-michael-moar.jpg
1207940 Be nice!
He's probably a beginning writer!
Well, I tried to read it. I made it about halfway through the first chapter. The truth is, the lack of formatting and punctuation makes it hard to read. In my experience, readers won't put up with something that makes them work harder to comprehend. Your success is directly proportional to the amount of work you put in.
Don't take it too hard. At the end of The Roommate I encouraged others to write their own versions, so I can't really complain too much.
1207981
Fourth version. Of Wubs and Words features DJ-PON3 and makes me happy.
1208454
There was a story long ago whose title I can't remember now where a guy was living with Pinkie. I just adapted it to college.
1208470
Would that be guerilla gorillas?
1208454>>yea I'm going to edit this and lol at the last part of your comment with the find out next time
1208470 DUDE YOUR FUCKING STUPID YOUR NOT IN THE NAVY SEALS I HAD TO HAVE OVER 600 CONFIRMED KILLS AND MILITARY SOLDIERS AS MYSELF HAVE NO FUCKING SPIES DO YOU WORK FOR THE CIA OR FBI NO YOU DON'T YOUR A FUCKING 12 YR OLD THINKING HE CAN BE SOMETHING HE ISNT YEAH DUDE COME FUCK WITH ME IM A GREEN BERET SEE YOU GET SO FAR BRO I HAVE BEEN IN THE MOST WORST SITUATIONS POSSIBLE ONE OF THEM WAS HAVING HALF MY SIDE BLOW OFF WITH 3RD DEGREE BURNS AND EXPOSED RIBS AND A LUNG SO DUDE FUCK YOU
1208470 AND ALSO YOU CAN BE DISHONOURABLY DISCHARGED FOR THREATENING THE GENERAL PUBLIC IN CYBER OR PHYSICAL WAYS SO DUDE SETTLE DOWN AND GO HOME AND ALSO IF YOU ARE IN THE ARMY WHAT RANK ARE YOU OOP SETTLE DOWN BACK UP YOUR TALKING TO MAJOR JEROME MORRISON NOW
1210296 Well even if he is in the seals like he said secret missions they don't go through the hell the rest of military does and if he is a sniper sure if he misses a shot he is fucked but other then that every other branch mostly the army goes through hell seeing their friends the next day and possibly gone the next. You never know what is going to happen in the front lines you have to watch your every step I forgot the name of it but every family member of mine has fought in a war since the civil war. But yea my family members have told me the hell they go through on the front lines so I salute you for your bravery
1210323 Its just sad for him to disrespect the seals like that and its impossible to be a sniper in the seal all you can be as far as sniper goes is a squad sharpshooter with a M110 yes we are train with any weapon the army has to offer so we are ready to use it when it come to it but no we don't have paired snipers with: the sharpshooter and spotter we have usually in a squad of six 2 of them are equipted for squad urban sharpshooting and suppressive
1210346 Yea not going to lie I have really high respect for the seals they go through some hell in training and I think are the second most trained force behind the sas and must give you credit for being a Green Baret I think third or fourth most trained force in the world. My pops was Special forces military intel before he was retired. And ouch what about your wound you get an honorable discharge for something like that?
1210373 nah dude I loved it I ended up with a colapsed lung and 6 broken ribs but I got a choice because I was healing well but I only got a desk job now I was only gonna join the army for four years and go off to join Blackwater PMC but I got offered to join the green baret's so I stayed I'm going on 9 years now military service and I'm 30
1210386 Dang glad to hear you recovered well just don't die on us Soldier
1210405 I still have alot of life left in me so don't worry
1210449 Good hate to see some one I even talked to in comments go lost a few good friends hell good friend great friends
1210449
1210469
Oh pls.
You really don't understand the humor of Copypasta.
There's so much you missed.
Obviously it's bullshit.
Chill your toes and nipples thoroughly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5umS7Ff_ps
by the way your OC is bad and you should feel bad
/NO ETIQUETTE.
1209630
Yes.
That was a copypasta.
1210346
HOW is that disrespect on my part?
I've got etiquette, and I'm a decent kid. Believe me, I'd never... EVER... purposely disrespect any military officry for my country... scratch that, any country.
also,
>we are train with any weapon the army has to offer
No, you don't. You train with standard US Military rifles and whatever your [platoon leader] can afford. They teach you recoil control for each standard round, for example the .223 and the .308.
Seriously, before overreacting, get a little knowledge.
Please don't forget that you're on the internet. Seriously. Ya' can't do shit.
1211008 stupid stupid stupid we aren't trained with 308. we are trained with 12.7,.556.,7.62 and 45. also 9mm and many more plus we do train with most weapons the military has to offer and also every other military division I know of does the same thing when called for
1208636 I agree with that all the way
1211046
7.62×51mm NATO is the standard round for the AK 47.
Also known as the .308.
You also train with the 7.62×39mm.
I think that's the .355?
Correct me if I'm wrong.
1211008>>1211046 Im with skywind on this one, yes Im a kid, yes I don't know anything about the military, or special forces or anything like that, but skywind makes the best, and most believible arguement.