I am just a man who loves stories that hopes you will love his.
Fluttershy has tea with a strange pony with a troubled past. This is the first of a loosely connected anthology series of my original character talking with the mane six about different aspects of friendship from a more mature perspective.
More to come in the future...
Art by SkyBlackKing97
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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When I was 11, maybe I would have liked to read this. But ... now I am 31 and I do not see in this story what I might like ... However, I am not a ruthless reader and I quite rightly appreciate your work. That is why I will be the first to put your story + and I hope that you, as an author, will be able to prove yourself even more and worthily next time! Your story should be filled with feelings and details ...
Good luck, author! You can always write to me. If you need communication or discussion.
Here I would add Mister Angel! This is certainly not a mistake. But if I were a director, then I would ask you to say this particular speech.
The third paragraph is not bad, but you can add some details to the description. For example the weather!
Fluttershy's mane swayed slightly from the light wind blowing between the trees. However, her appearance evoked great delight and made her arouse maximum respect. Who, if not this quivering mare, did not love and did not cause a lot of sympathy for her personality ... Modesty ... this was the most important thing in the character of this pegasus mare.
This was an example.
Although I am quite capable of getting used to the role of this mare and describe the plot of Fluttershy's POV.
10946222
I should point out that weather is literally the textbook example (no, seriously, this is actually in textbooks on fiction writing) of extraneous fluff to NOT include unless it's directly germane to the plot or to driving something important in a scene.
10946287
So this is something important movement that is clearly missing.
And you also need to add to the plot what most authors may not like, but the plot will be good.
This reads like the opening chapter of a longer story. The pacing isn't bad, and the descriptive detail is at about the right amount and density, but there's a lot unresolved about what came before what we're seeing, and how this will resolve itself after.
This is indeed an interesting tale. It probably could use an editor/proofreader's eye, but for the most part it's pretty good. Definitely a curious story that does feel a little bit short but you did say this is an anthology in progress so there certainly is hope for more.
Admittedly Fluttershy doesn't seem as shy as usual but otherwise you kept her in character very well.
I am curious if perhaps Astral has met Fluttershy (and perhaps the other Mane 6 as well) but some sort of magic erases him from their memories. Color me intrigued.
I will also say that I think the story's description could use some more details.
10946876
Yeah I really struggled with details for the story because it is so short. What would you recommend? Also do you know any good editors or proofreaders I could turn too?
10947124 Well, there are a few groups where you can ask for if anyone is interested in proofreading/editing.