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If returning to Equestria after a thousand years has taught Luna anything, it's that most things don't last. Nothing stays with her forever.
But if that's true, then why can't she escape this dream of a faceless mare?
If you like my work, consider donating to my Ko-Fi. Coverart by the fantastically talented Snow Quill.
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Glad to see this published! I think it's got a lot of cool ideas in it, and I'm glad I was able to help bring those out!
This was swell from writing to the lingering haunt of a breath - stolen. Pacing and focus where excellent stuff! I rather liked how it really was just about a mare that she loved you know? No twist's and that I think with your fine story telling...make this.
Ps. My bitter gremlin heart wanted her to say otherwise to luna....just to have that sweet sweet consquences.
Wow. That was heartbreaking. But told so well. Kudos, Regi.
This is honestly really inspiring for how it can incorporate science fiction into romance and vice-versa. It's something I really love, and it's something I see a lot of people try and not succeed with, let alone just crush like this.
I'm going to put a line break here and put spoilers for the story after it. I really recommend reading this story first - you won't regret it, it fits a lot of ideas into a really short space. But I really love this story and I want to talk about it.
Like, usually when I see science-fiction romance approached, the focus would be the alchemist. It's about them trying to find a way to impress someone. Worse to me is when the science is pure technobabble, because it's only relevant as a character trait, a shorthand for them being brilliant and thus desirable to someone, where the science fiction elements are props and set-pieces.
Why I think this is so good is because instead of being science-fiction-romance, it focuses on the best way to approach each genre in isolation, and then synthesizes them. I think romance is at its strongest when you understand what two characters give each other, and get from each other, that can't come from anyone else. It shows you how the relationship improves both people in it.
Even with - or maybe even because of - one of the characters in the relationship being totally absent from the story, you feel that intensely. You sell the relationship not on showing what Luna gets from the Alchemist, but from what she's lost without her, and you feel that loss intensely through the entire story. It's an amazing tragic romance because of that. And then, at the end, she gives Luna one last thing that nobody else could have given her.
I also think science fiction is at its strongest when it causes you to look at a problem you haven't considered before, and realize how significant solving those problems could be, and the broader impacts. Like, too often it gets into the trappings of technology, of gadgets, which really misses the point. It's why I love retrofuturism so much - it's usually not about presenting new technologies, it's about seeing the impact existing technologies would have had on a different social context. How the context changes the solutions.
I just had to explain that to justify calling this science fiction, because I really feel like it is. There's a ton of stories about Luna remembering the past, but I don't think there's much about her forgetting it. And the detail of solving that problem, of the process of solving it, and of the importance of solving it, and how profound that impact is makes it really good science fiction. And in showing how admirable that is helps make you feel the Alchemist's loss so much more deeply.
This would be a really good story if it was just one of these two elements, but the way the two reinforce and build off each other is just phenomenal, and it makes this a really exceptional piece. I love it a lot.
Oh gosh, this was lovely. I'm always delighted when you drop a story, and that you posted one on the longer side made it more of a treat. There was so much more space to here that a crutch like brevity will cripple, and this goes to show that you have awesome ability in world-building and characterization when they become your focus. Combine that with your strong sense of emotion and atmosphere, and this becomes an incredibly underrated piece with imagery I swear I could have felt. You haven't written a Luna story in a while, and I really adore the strong sense of moodiness and sentimentality that you give her, and the contrast between somepony who truly understood her being gone in Aether Glow, while Luna is 'guided' by somepony who has no real insight into her in Celestia.
You may hate proper fuckin' syntax with your frustrating Eternal Lowercase Syndrome, but I sure don't hate this story. It's almost like you should write more of them, Regidork.
An excellent story, Regi. A very emotional piece. Congrats on the Featured!
should of been titled - untitled romance novel
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damn pls forgib me daddi gira
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This one is a bit hard to judge for me. It is a melodrama, I think that is a fact that can be established. I have nothing against melodrama, I can even love them at times. The thing is that melodrama requires time to earn that onslaught of emotions. I cannot say that you didn’t try to develop the story, there is certainly a good set-up, presentation, preparation and conclusion. I do very much appreciate that effort. However, I can’t help but think that you still rushed in for what you were trying to accomplish. I want to make a case here: keep in mind the strong emotions that the story is demanding of its readers. Characters are crying, screaming, suffering intensely. A well known character such as Luna, for whom we have a variety of feelings built up over the years, can elicit such emotions in the reader, at least the necessary sympathy to evoke them. However, their source here is a character we know very little about. That’s a huge hurdle to overcome in how we perceive them, particularly in regards to the feelings expected of the reader.
I want to make clear that I don’t think this story’s premise is bad. Luna coming to terms with the ponies she left behind after her banishment is a great idea. Her having had someone this close to her, a lover, whom she lost is also brimming with potential. However, it is the execution where I find the biggest problem. It’s too grandiose, too emotionally draining in a way that is very hard to sell to the reader, at least to me, because of how much needs to be established first. It was a daring approach, but I can’t say it paid off. I think this would have worked much more effectively if you had gone for a more subdued, nuanced approach. It does make sense in-universe that Luna would feel this devastated over the loss of her lover, of course. But thinking of this as a piece of wart meant to elicit emotion I think you should have compromised and tried for a quieter angle, and it could ironically been much more potent.
Celestia’s presence seems important for such a story, but aside from exposition dumping I didn’t get much use out of her. I think this is the kind of story Luna should have faced alone. Sad to say, I didn’t really like the dialogue exchanges between the sisters. Most of it were preparations for the real conversation, which is natural, to include, but in such a short story every word should count much more. Also, I regret to say that their dialogue was somewhat stilted, too direct and lacking in subtext, and added on top of the melodrama. If you had focused on Luna’s inner monologue I think you could have provided a stronger, more emotionally honest narrative.
I’m not trying to bash your work or anything, I believe there is potential. The premise of a romance between an OC and a canon character is always bound to be controversial, but I don’t think it was the problem here. I liked what little of the OC you made you showed. She seemed like a character with potential, and the bits of her personality made it believable that Luna would fall for her. Seeing her through Luna’s nostalgic lens also added another layer to her that kept me intrigued. The main problem for me is the decision to make this an explosive melodrama that seems to be trying to force the emotions out of the reader rather than planting them and waiting for them to sprout. For this approach to have worked we would have needed more time with the OC, knowing her better so that the full impact of the tragedy could be felt. With this length, I think that leaving more to the imagination would have been better, rather than showing the character carrying their emotions on their sleeve.
Basically, I think this story’s premise holds promise, but it's overzealous implementation made it suffer and curbed its potential. I do appreciate the honesty of the writing, and I think you gave it a good try and that you meant everything that you tried to do. I just believe you could have done better. It might just not be for me. I can clearly see I'm in the minority, so take this with a grain of salt.
11842706
Thank you very much for your review! You are correct, a lot of my stories suffer from being far too brief and this is no different. This is a much more condensed version of a longer story I intend to write. I'll take what you said into immense consideration for the longer-form. I tend to write in ways that I tend to feel—I am an explosive and melodramatic person. That sells my stories for some people, and for others it does not. That is an unfortunate barrier for both my abilities as a writer and the audience I appeal towards. That does not make any of your assertions or observations incorrect or unwarranted or unneeded—quite the opposite. I think you've hit the nail on the head in a way I hadn't considered before about a good varied aspects of the story, and now haven taken a step back as it's been two and a half years or so since I've written this particular iteration, I find this review incredibly useful. Thanks for taking the time to have read it and gone over it, I really appreciate that.
If you have any interest in reading the longer story when it's written, let me know. I have no clue when it will be, but it would be interesting to get your views on one that spends more time with the concept and execution and takes a subtler route.
11842803
Thank you as well for such a kind and measured response. I am happy that you've found my critiques to be helpful. There clearly is a market for melodrama, as your successes demonstrate, and being an author who carries their emotions on their sleeves can lead to great works as well. So, all the more power to you. I am glad to have been able to offer you a different perspective. This being an older story surely must have helped in giving us both the needed perspective to engage with the work critically, even if you are clearly far more invested and have grown far from from it than me, who only recently first engaged with it.
I can't promise I will read the longer story when it's out because I'm kind of fickle in my interests to pone nowadays, but if you wanted me to give it a look I could try. Thanks for counting on me.