• Published 8th Sep 2021
  • 3,644 Views, 107 Comments

Twilight Versus The Home Owners Association - Boopy Doopy



The Ponyville Home Owner's Association pays Twilight Sparkle's castle a visit.

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An Inspection, Two Bits, And An Autograph

“Um… hello?” Twilight asked as she tilted her head, confused by the three ponies standing outside her castle. “Can I help you?”

“Yes, you certainly can,” a white stallion with pepper black hair dotted with white speckles answered. “My name is Picky Paper, and these are my associates Motor Mouth and Record Keeper.”

“Nice to meet you, Miss Sparkle,” Record Keeper said politely yet flatly, all business as she extended her hoof to the alicorn.

“Haha, uh, that’s Princess Sparkle, but it’s nice to meet you as well,” Twilight said nervously as she carefully shook hooves with each of the three.

“Actually, you can’t be a princess, seeing as neither of your parents are descendants of royalty,” Motor Mouth said factually. “Not to mention, you hardly look like a princess. I mean, you’re so short for a princess, and you have unbrushed bed hair. It looks like you just woke up.”

“Well, um, I did actually,” Twilight said, already frowning at the three of them, “but- what is this all about? What are you three doing here?”

“Well, simply put,” Picky Paper started, “we’re here with Ponyville’s Home Owner Association to discuss your, uh… residence.”

“This?” the mare asked, slightly confused, before smiling and continuing, “My castle isn’t a residence. It’s a government building, just like Princess Celestia’s castle in Canterlot and Cadance’s castle in the Crystal Empire. So, um, sorry guys.”

Record Keeper stepped forward, and with a very intimidating look, asked, “Miss Sparkle-”

“Um, that’s Princess Sparkle, please…” the alicorn got out as she took a step back, Record Keeper trying to close the distance between them.

“-where exactly do you live?”

“Uh, Ponyville, obviously, haha,” the mare answered, clearly avoiding the question. “But I don’t see how-”

“And what building in Ponyville might that be again?”

“Well, this one, but that doesn’t-”

“Well, according to Ponyville statutes, a home is defined as any residence that’s continuously inhabited for at least one hundred and eighty days of the year. It’s safe to say you’ve stayed in this residence that long, correct?”

“Well, yes, but-”

“So then if that’s the case, since it falls within the boundaries of Ponyville, it’s required that it abides by the codes set in the Ponyville Home Owner’s Association or you’ll be fined accordingly and/or your castle will be demolished.”

“I didn’t opt in to be part of an HOA, and the Equestrian Charter that was written when Celestia became ruler says that I can’t-”

“You’re a part of the Ponyville HOA by default, whether or not you opted into being a member,” Motor Mouth told her. “You accepted membership by placing your castle within city limits. As a PINO, I’d think you’d know these things, Miss Sparkle.”

“I’m- what? What is a PINO?”

“Princess In Name Only. As I said, you’re not related to authority, and I can’t see how Celestia made you princess of all ponies, seeing as you hardly govern anything. You only sit with your friends all day and eat hay fries from what I’ve seen. It looks like all the weight’s gone to your flanks, honestly.”

“I- no it hasn’t! And I do more than that! I’ve been actually working on some- actually, no. I’m not getting into this. Show me what’s wrong with my castle and I’ll get it fixed and you’ll be out of my mane quicker.”

“With pleasure, Miss Sparkle,” Picky Paper responded, sounding as though he’d be better talking to anypony else.


“Not to mention, Miss Sparkle,” Record Keeper started as she listed off yet another thing wrong with the outside of her property.

Princess Sparkle,” Twilight corrected her with an obvious annoyed huff for what felt like the millionth time that day.

“-the bylaws clearly state that grass should be no taller than one centimeter in height. This grass is almost certainly a good three to four centimeters.”

“Wow, is it?” the alicorn said flatly, not even bothering to write down the complaints the three ponies listed anymore. “I never would have noticed.”

“Maybe you need a pair of glasses then,” Motor Mouth suggested, almost oblivious to her obvious sarcasm. “If you’re having vision problems, you should see the eye doctor. Maybe you can also talk to them about your increased risk of heart disease and diabetes from all those hayburgers. It’s bound to have an effect on your health.”

“Yes, and so will all that nagging you three are doing,” Twilight frustratedly told them. “Why does all this stuff even matter? It’s just grass, and my grass at that! How does having it more than one centimeter hurt you?”

“The same way a lost library book will hurt you, Miss Sparkle,” Picky Paper replied. “It might not seem harmful to some, but rules were meant to be followed, and these are the rules you must abide by.”

“But- that’s- library books aren’t the same as the height of the grass!” she tried to argue, but was ignored.

“Anyway, our bylaws also state you can’t have your place of residence ridiculous colors” he continued, “so we do expect that it be repainted at some point.”

“Oh, come on! How is it a ridiculous color?” she asked, completely fed up. “That’s not something any individual can determine!”

“Yes it is, and we’ve determined it. If you want, we can bring you a list of approved colors. Most of them are shades of white and off-white, although there’s a few browns and greys in there.”

“Yeah, well, I say your colors are ridiculous! I guess that means you can’t use those for your houses, which means everypony in Ponyville is in violation of the HOA’s bylaws.”

“That’s not how it works Miss Sparkle-” Record Keeper started.

Princess! It’s Princess Sparkle, as granted by Princess Celestia herself!” She wasn’t normally this aggressive, but the ponies of the Ponyville HOA had been pushing her all morning. Still, even as she said it, they largely ignored her as they had been.

“-seeing as you’re not a member of the home owners association,” she finished simply.

“Then how can you just-”

“As we said,” Motor Mouth started, “if you were listening, you’re in Ponyville city limits, so you have to abide by the HOA’s bylaws. If you’d like to have a say in what bylaws are changed or vote on things in regards to your property, you have to submit a formal registration with the association. I mean, a book smart pony like you should know that, right? I can’t believe we have to tell you.”

“Fine! Whatever! Where do I submit to become a member? This is ridiculous!”

“We’re not accepting new member registrations at this time,” he said quickly, holding the most bored expression on his face he possibly could. “Besides, I’m not sure a pony like you would even have time to attend meetings, seeing as you like to-”

“I swear, if you make one more comment about me going to Hayburger, I’m gonna explode!”

“I hardly think you’ll physically explode as you suggest, Miss Sparkle,” he said. “Although if you did, it wouldn’t surprise me if it was because…” She turned her head in his direction and gave him a death glare, one that made him stop his sentence in his tracks, continuing on, “...well, anyway, you can make a complaint if you like. Our office is a joint office with Mayor Mare’s, and all requests should be reviewed and responded to in six to eight weeks. Now if we continue on…”

Twilight tried her best to pay attention and not go off on the three of them, and somehow managed to make it through the entire viewing of her property, watching as they pointed out every little thing wrong with it. She wasn’t one to complain about rules, far from it actually. In fact, in most cases, she’d be the pony most knowledgeable to go to about rules of some sort. She understood the importance of rules and why they were meant to be followed. However, some of the rules they listed were just… out there. Signs couldn’t be put up unless they were painted against a red background, you couldn’t carry open food containers outside, just… things that made absolutely no sense to the mare. And the three didn’t give much of an explanation on why the rules were in place, only that they were and they expected them to be followed.

“Honestly, Miss Sparkle, this castle is quite the eyesore, to say the least,” Picky told her.

“It’s an eyesore?” she asked, completely flabbergasted by the notion. “How in the wide, wide world of Equestria is my castle an eyesore?”

“It’s quite out of place in a town like Ponyville,” Record Keeper said. “Honestly, I don’t see why you couldn’t have kept Golden Oaks Library here instead. It was much better suited for this town than that… thing.” She pointed a hoof at the castle as she said it and frowned, clearly not particularly pleased about the change.

“You think I tried to get Tirek to destroy my home?” the princess asked angrily.

“Well, you certainly didn’t do a good job in preventing it,” Motor Mouth responded. “I mean, honestly, as somepony who’s expected to defend Equestria from harm, you do a pretty poor job sometimes.”

“Anyway, I’d say it’s about time we inspect the inside, shall we?” Picky Paper got out.

“What would you want to do with the inside?” the alicorn asked. “No HOA I know of ever inspects the inside of a home. You might be able to say what the outside looks like, but the inside is off limits!”

“We need to make sure the ceilings are in accordance with regulations and the windows are properly tinted and such. If you would so kindly lead the way?”


“Honestly, Miss Sparkle, I’d say it’s pretty arrogant to have stained glass portraits of yourself on your windows,” Motor Mouth told her, “but then again, I’m not a PINO.”

“And it’s fairly rude to make a comment about every little thing,” she shot back with severe annoyance, “but then again, I’m not a motor mouth, am I?”

“Just making an astute observation.”

“In any case,” Picky Paper said, “there’s no rule against stained glass windows unless they’re able to be seen outside the residence, but they are quite tacky, to say the least.”

“And the ceilings are well within the bounds of what the bylaws require, if not well above,” Record Keeper noted. “Although honestly, I must say it makes you look quite pretentious, Miss Sparkle. But we have no bylaws against that, luckily for you.”

“Although these doors aren’t in regulation, I must say,” Picky Paper said. “We require all Ponyville doors to open inwards for safety purposes.”

“Well, they used to open inwards, but I read a study that says-”

“As well, we disallow the use of fluorescent light bulbs because they’re known to be quite dangerous if broken due to their mercury content, so those will have to be changed out.”

“Well, according to Equestria Daily, fluorescent bulbs actually save quite a bit of-”

“Not to mention,” he added, "artwork featuring political figures is not allowed in or on the premises of any residence. That will have to be taken down, Miss Sparkle.”

“Oh, come on! That’s Princess Celestia for Faust's sake!” she complained.

“Yes, somepony who’s a very notable political figure,” Record Keeper noted. “Regulations require you to take it down.”

“According to the rules, normally we’d ask you to take down the pictures of you,” Motor Mouth said, “but we’ve decided to grant you this exception considering you are the pony in question, but those other five ponies that are your friends will have to come down, too.”

“Okay, you know what I-”

“Plus, it seems there’s a bit of a smell in here… or is it coming from you? Have you had a shower yet today, Miss Sparkle?”

“ENOUGH!” the mare finally yelled, causing the trio to jump in surprise.

“My word!” Record Keeper gasped, showing a hint of emotion for the first time all morning. “I would never expect such things from somepony who’s a member of royalty, let alone a princess!”

“Well, to be fair, she is a PINO,” Motor Mouth muttered.

“QUIET!” the mare yelled, which made all three flinch back and stare at her in silence. “I don’t care anymore! I don’t want you here! Just tell me what the fine is so I can pay you and you can leave!”

“Humph, well if you’re gonna be rude about it,” Picky Paper started, sounding offended, “the cost for ignoring the HOA’s bylaws is two bits.”

Twilight blinked at them, expecting more to be said, and when they silently stared back, she asked, “T… two bits? That’s it? Two bits?”

“That’s per year, to be clear,” Record Keeper informed her, “and payment must be made in full. Of course, however, we have recently added the ability to accept checks if you prefer, Miss Sparkle. It would be made payable to the Ponyville Home Owners Association.”

“Of course, we can’t delay payment unfortunately,” Picky Paper explained. “We do expect the amount in full at the start of each year from here on out unless you make the required changes to your residence. Missing the deadline will result in this building being repossessed and demolished.”

“Not that it shouldn’t be demolished,” Motor Mouth said. “It’s quite tacky, and as previously mentioned, an eyesore, quite like yourself, Miss Sparkle.”

“No! No, you don’t need to do that, I have my payment right here.” As she said it, she quickly floated over her checkbook and quill, taking no time at all to scribble what she needed to on the piece of paper.

“There! All done!” she said and she gave it to them. “Now you can’t bother me and my castle for the next fifty years!”

“One hundred bits then? Unfortunately, we can’t accept payments for future years. We can, however, take this as a donation to the HOA if you’d like?”

“Although don’t think that this will get you any special privileges, Miss Sparkle. I know how you princesses operate.”

"Although some would say you operate on two many hayburgers and should try a salad, Miss Sparkle."

“Fine! Whatever! Keep the donation! Just get out of my mane! Please!”

“Well, if you insist on being rude about it,” Motor Mouth said. “Although before we do leave we must ask one more thing.” She looked at him with an expression that told him she didn't want to hear his question as he asked with complete confidence, “Can we have an autograph?”

Author's Note:

This was a commission. Want your own? Feel free to PM me.

Buy me a coffee? Do you want to support me on patreon?

Comments ( 107 )

Twilight will have a field day asking Princess Celestia herself for a huge favour.

Xalok #2 · Sep 8th, 2021 · · ·

That fact that i did not see a twilight light them on fire at the end is Real disappointment, For those 3 seem to be the most annoying buggers ever

10969373
HOAs need to be far more regulated than they actually are. There are some good ones, but the fact that they can demand money and it not be harassment by law is boggling.

10969391
That's fair tho i can't say i ever hear of HOAs before now it's not something we got in the country i live in, So to me they sound a bit like a scam to get free money, for when the pay prize is so low why not just pay it

10969393
They basically are for anyone with enough braincells to not give that many fucks about the outside of the house. Not that houses shouldn't be maintained, but you don't need a line of cookie cutter houses. It's ok to differentiate and still be neat.

Mica #6 · Sep 8th, 2021 · · ·

Funny thing is, a lot of the HOA regulations mentioned in the story aren't far from reality.

I don't why I was expecting a weird twist at the end, like the HOA being a Celestia/Luna prank or something.

And this is why I do not live within an HOA.

Not enough violence dungeons are the power of the princess.

The title alone is enough to activate me. Lovely work though throughout the story. Thank you for the fun.

10969404
That sounds like a future sequel when the HOA visit the school of friendship

"Princess Celestia?" Twilight asked, aggrieved.

"Yes, our newest Princess?" Always serene. Even when Equestria burned down the last five times...

"I can't help but wonder...does the Canterlot HOA bother you all the time?" Twilight wearily asked, sure to hear that Celestia had the irritants intercepted by a even more pronounced bureaucratic minion that out-monotoned and more nimbly picked at useless points of minutiae than the irritants did...

A shocked, blank look. "HOA?"

"Ponyville's HOA came by my Castle. Just drove me crazy! Grass height, wrong colors, even how the doors opened! And the portraits inside. They wanted me to get rid of yours; yours and Luna's!"

"HOA..."

"Yeah. Ponyville's HOA. I didn't even know Ponyville had one! And they had the nerve to present me with a two-bit bill, and ask me for my autograph, called me a PINO, demanded I thatch my roof..."

Celestia pirouetted around, and bellowed, "LUNA! WE GOT ONE!!!" as her forehoof slammed down on a red button on the wall. A bell started up with a buzzy ring.

"HUZZAH!!! I SHALL BRING MY SWORD Necromancer's Bane! DO YOU WISH ARMOR?" sounded happily from the bedroom.

"THE HEAVY BATTLE ARMOR! THE SET WITH THE LARGE GOUGES AND THE BLOOD STILL ON IT!"

"AND THE RANK STINK OF BATTLE SWEAT???"

"FOR TARTARUS' SAKE, YES! WE ARE ONCE AGAIN CALLED TO SAVE THE REALM!!!"

A gleefull fat chuckle came from the bedroom. "I HAVEN'T RUN ANYPONY THROUGH IN CENTURIES, CELY! LET US MAKE HASTE! BEFORE THE LAWYERS BECOME INVOLVED!!!"

Hoas are PROOF that places like Auschwitz are still a thing, just with different store fronts.

10969404
Yeah, I was expecting Discord to pop out from somwhere when he could no longer contain his laughter at Twi falling for his prank :rainbowlaugh:

...

Wait, this 'HOA' thing really exists? And they're really like that? :rainbowderp: Glad I don't live in that part of the world... I would have scalped them several times over...

Now see, if Celestia were actually the benevolent ruler she claims to be, anyone even ATTEMPTING to start an HOA would be publicly burned at the stake.

10969513
About the only things different from reality is that they would have charged a lot more than $2, and that as far as I'm aware, it shouldn't be legal to force compliance on a new property that wasn't actually signed on to the HOA. Heck I'm reasonably sure a town wide compulsory HOA would be super illegal in most places (or, again, it should be).

I'm surprised that these ponies could actually get this sort of authority over Twi's castle. Makes me wonder if they could have done anything if she just tossed them out without any sort of payment.

10969393
Considered yourself lucky the last 2 hoas iv lived at want ALL the houses painted even if it was just done and you could prove it

10969541
God that sounds like a pain in the ass to live with and So boring at the same time

10969391
ill just add that to my list of reasons im glad i dont live in the usa

Twilight, you are wayyyyyyyyyyyyy more patient than I would have been in that situation.

HOAs make many positive contributions for the good of society, including the constructions and maintenance of parks and other green spaces, as well as better rates for the homeowner's insurance of members by offering a mechanism to allow collective bargaining, along with many other things. Like any bureaucracy, they function best went kept small in power and constrained to only the absolutely necessity of function.

What invariably happens, however, is that the governing board will invariably become infested with busybodies and tin dictators who have amounted to nothing, never will amount to anything, and know that they've gone as far as they can in life, and sitting on the board of the HOA making petty demands and abusing what little power they have to inconvenience, harass and torment other members is the closest that they will ever come to tasting success.

Complain not about the HOA, but drive yourself towards success. Run for board membership and correct it from the inside. Seize what the other members need and take back control of your home! Don't become distracted by the pointless bylaws! Don't become distracted by the approved colors! Secure your position, and complete your mission by killing the Prime Minister of Equestria!

I can honestly see Twilight going to Mayor Mare and petitioning for the dissolution of the Ponyville HOA or have the city limits moved to allow The Friendship Castle to be resting on an unincorporated piece of property OUTSIDE of Ponyville. And then, eventually turning Motor Mouth, Picky Paper, and Record Keeper into statues in rude or lewd poses. Because FUCK HOME OWNERS ASSOCIATIONS.

"Sure let me just get my pen." Twilight growled through clenched teeth as her magic seized hold of a ceremonial sword, one that Celestia insisted she keep on hoof just in case any long standing traditions demanded its use.

I thought I was gonna read this and have a laugh.

It just made me mildly angry

You see this wouldn't be a problem if you had guards to quietly make sure they stop existing.

Mandatory home owner associations need the agreement of all or the great majority of homeowners in the area specified to be formed in the first place. If Ponyville has one, it's the fault of its inhabitants.

(BTW, if you are using this fic to cast shade on those who think Twilight's new castle is ugly as shit, that's low, Boopy. Low. )

Suddenly, a large, humanoid figure enters the room. His skin is purple, his chin is lumpy, and he's wearing a golden glove with three jewels on it. "Uh... hi. My name is Thanos. I was going to give your world the blessing of having its population halved, but the fact that people like this exist makes me think you've suffered enough. Would it be all right for you if I just had my minions kill them?"

Twilight nodded vigorously. "PLEASE!"

Thanos nodded, gesturing behind him. Cull Obsidian, Corvus Glaive, and Proxima Midnight stormed in, grinning viciously as they proceeded to mutilate the Ponyville HOA. As Twilight watched, savoring the Schadenfreude, Thanos added quietly, "Your world will have its population halved anyway once I get all the Infinity Stones..."

"What?" Twilight asked.

"Nothing," Thanos said.

not all HOA are bad. we had one in our neighborhood for years. Folded after half the council and the the Presiendt all retired and they couldn't agre on who should fill the seats.

But till then they kept out neighborhood clean and orderly without being anal retentive.

Now... there should be a sequel with Twilight getting all the rules of said HOA and nitpick EVERYTHING on the three...

Twilight:
"THIS IS OVER FOR YOU"
*Blasts them into the portal with the red sock puppet*

FUCK HOA's!:flutterrage:
my house!:flutterrage:
my lawn!:flutterrage:
my grass!:flutterrage:
my trash!:flutterrage:
ill even color my house in salmon pink, vomit green, ink black, with a touch of baby blue on the roofs:flutterrage:

My ex wanted to move into a development with a HOA. I refused. She asked why. I told her my choice and with a HOA I would lose the privilege of saying My Choice.

10969540
Authority often comes at the end of annoyance. Act in-control, ignore the detractors, and maintain the facade until it is no longer questioned, then make sure that your demands are met out of a sense of obligation or duty, rather than overt and explicit demands. Once you've done that, all you have to do to remain in power is to avoid ~actually~ inconveniencing someone with a spine and... HOA.

But since it's a community thing, it generally amounts to bargaining or bullying. If everyone's happy, no one questions. If everyone else has been doing it for years and it's only the new guy who's complaining... all the other sufferers ~must~ gang up or ignore it. No great surprise that malicious compliance or simply reading the ACTUAL laws tend to utterly decimate outrageous demands.

Such as if Twilight simply pointed out that 'natural disaster' trumps HOA, 'eminent domain' removes the property from Ponyville, or that as a government-appointed civil servant (let alone the granted title of 'Princess' that an absolute ruler granted), Twilight could piss in their coffee every morning for their benefit and they could do absolutely nothing.

I rather love hearing HOA horror stories... someone always snaps and goes the extra mile.

That's not how HOAs work. They can only enforce their rules if you sign a contract uppon moving in where the last owner was a member who can deny the sale if you don't sign. Since HOAs only have legal power with contracts, if you didn't sign, and they don't own the land, they can get fucked.

HOAs are not government entities.

This sounds like something an HOA would do. I've heard enough stories about them on YouTube to know that things quickly become a shit show if they aren't handled properly. And they have to have some SERIOUS guts to ask for an autograph after all of that.

I've certainly read horror stories about HOA's. Thankfully our's is pretty good, and basically so long as you don't do stupid stuff like blare music at 2 AM you won't have any problems. These guys sound like the sorts who probably don't even work with Mayor Mare at all, they just happen to be in the same building and have about as much real power as one of the janitors (heck probably less). I think that if Twilight wanted to she could write a letter to Celestia about oh...lèse-majesté perhaps?

I personally found her castle when it first appeared to be an eyesore compared to the rest of Ponyville's aesthetic, but calling her a PINO or making judgment calls on her person, and trying to weasel insane rules inside her home (which is illegal) is totally uncalled for. I'd like to see them try this carp again with Spike, Starlight, the rest of the gang on the premise 😈.

Hans, get der flammenwerfer.
Der. Heavy. Flammenwerfer.

10969497
Wow, so edgy. Bet that bit of genius took you all week to think up. Go fuck yourself.

10969927
No, but this is much more amusing than reality.








I mean, unless you're really into paperwork. Like, really into it.

10969579
Dude people can't even be bothered to vote for a mayor that runs their town or even the PTA. You think most people are anywhere near motivated enough to participate in something like an HOA?

“You think I tried to get Tirek to destroy my home?” the princess asked angrily.

“Well, you certainly didn’t do a good job in preventing it,” Motor Mouth responded. “I mean, honestly, as somepony who’s expected to defend Equestria from harm, you do a pretty poor job sometimes.”

Okay, first of all, FYAY YOU. Second, I hope for your sake you packed a parachute. Third, enjoy un-alphabetizing your organs. B:yay:.

You know what Twilight should have done?
Ask to see the entire HOA bylaws. If they refuse, tell them she'll have them up on charges with both Diarchs for blackmail and extortion before the sun sets. Insist they allow her time to review the full by laws before responding to them or paying any fines. If they refuse, see above.
Then when they come back, present them with an official declaration from all four Princesses that the Ponyville HOA has been officially disbanded due to suspicion of illegal activities, ex. attempting to blackmail or extort a member of the royal family, and that if they want to dispute that they can do so in Canterlot.

This was a very good one-shot. Where I live we don't have that problem . I loved Heavy Hauler 75622 reply for this one-shot.

10970037
That sounds like a personal problem.

It also sounds like I get to tell them to shut up and stop whining about the HOA treating then unfairly when they refuse to do anything to remedy the situation. Instead of waiting for someone to save them, maybe they should start saving themselves.

10969729

*looks at the downvotes*

Humor was never my strong point. *shrugs*

And this is why I deliberately chose to buy a house in a neighborhood that did not have a HOA...

On the extreme end, I recall a case (not my case, thank the Lord!) where a fellow ran afoul of the Karen's that tend to make up HOAs, and shot up the monthly meeting. Two dead, four in hospital, IIRC... He was convicted of two counts of manslaughter, four counts of aggravated assault, and they dropped the reckless endangerment charges.... I think he ended up sentenced to 5 years, and only served two. The other residents testified at the sentencing hearing...

10970047
They're not wrong. See, for instance, The Beginning of the End and The Ending of the End.

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