Bonding
“Thank you for your time, Your Majesty.” Phyllis gave a small curtsey, her curls level with the Queen’s ears.
“Not at all.” The winged monarch flashed a troubled, yet sincere, smile. “If there’s anything else I can do, just let me know.” As Phyllis raised her head back up, the ruler of Zephyr Heights turned around to resume conversation with the heavyset gray unicorn stallion who had been waiting nearby.
Left to her thoughts, Phyllis looked around herself, observing the flurry of calm activity across the streets of Maretime Bay. Here, a pegasus was savoring a smoothie with one of Phyllis’ workers. There, one unicorn was giving his rather pedantic opinion about the accuracy of the unicorn-starring action movie plastered atop the town’s multiplex. To quite a few earth ponies, at that. And over there, some unicorns and pegasi were enjoying their first ride on the town tram.
It all still felt like a fever dream. Like she’d wake up tomorrow and find she’d just had a bad case of nervous exhaustion in advance of Canterlogic’s annual presentation, and nothing had changed. Not that she ever got nervous before the event. At least, not after the first few.
But no, this was very much real. Magic was too mild a word to describe what had happened, and what was still happening. Even the very grass, when she’d walked on it, seemed softer, warmer, more inviting. Phyllis almost felt a pang, imagining future generations so accustomed to this they didn’t fully appreciate it.
Regardless, magic didn’t change everything. And with the first and smaller of her tasks now over with, Phyllis could put off the one she’d been dreading no longer.
She stopped, barely aware she’d been walking. Ahead was a group of five ponies, congregated by the small overhead bridge at the town’s edge, talking excitedly. Hitch, the unicorn who’d set everything in motion by coming here, plus the two pegasus princesses. Most prominent was the mare in the middle, still marginally unfamiliar to the senses with the rainbow streaks in her magenta mane alongside the translucent wings and horn.
Phyllis paused, just outside their peripheral vision. Risk management went totally out the window here. But all those moons had taught her the value of not prolonging the inevitable, especially when it would only get harder with time.
Checking her bag was still secure at her side, she strode forward. Having talked to the pegasus queen already, it was now or never.
No sooner had Phyllis taken a few steps than the ivory princess’ ears flicked up, and she whipped around with alarming perception. On cue, the others did too, all sporting varying degrees of curiosity. Except for the unicorn, as giddy and upbeat as she’d been every time Phyllis had seen her.
“Afternoon, Mrs. Cloverleaf.” Phyllis couldn’t help but grin at Hitch being the first to speak, nor at the polite, measured smile he bore. Their sheriff never forgot his manners.
“Always a gentlepony even off duty, isn’t he?” the ivory pegasus whispered to her sister, getting a small smirk in response.
“Lovely to see you all.” Phyllis’ eyes flicked around the group. She noted the unicorn maintaining a smile so wide it displayed all her teeth, while the short pegasus bobbed daintily, head cocked. “Ms. Starscout.” The pony in question started slightly at being addressed, which was fair – her second name was almost never used in isolation.
“Could I have a word?” Phyllis was aware of the others adopting differing degrees of suspicion and confusion, but she had eyes for nopony but Sunny. The young mare didn’t smile, nor did she relax, but there was a certain dawning comprehension there.
“Sure. No problem.” Separating herself from her friends, Sunny trotted forward. “Why don’t we take a walk?” She jerked her head to the outskirts beyond the bridge. “I could stretch my legs.”
“Fine.” In truth, Phyllis would have preferred staying in town, but it was fair to relinquish the choice of locale to Sunny here. Grinning, Sunny looked back.
“I’ll see you guys in a bit, ’kay?” They all nodded or gave varying statements of assent. As the pair left under the bridge, Hitch seemed to take calm charge of the group, judging by how he talked with an odd gesture in their direction. He always was a sharp one, Phyllis mused, picking up on what was going on that quick.
Sunny didn’t seem rushed, and with Phyllis in no hurry to prematurely broach such a delicate matter, quiet dominated as they left town for the grassy hills beyond. They met the occasional pony, Sunny exchanging a friendly greeting and accepting many thanks, but soon they were over the first hill, nopony in sight.
She may have been walking leisurely, but Phyllis’ thoughts continued to race a mile a minute. All her prepared ways to broach the subject appeared to have abandoned her back in town. With nothing but a blank slate to go on, she looked upward, observing the rainbow auroras trailing across the sky, casting it in a kaleidoscope of colors. Phyllis privately wondered how long they would remain. Not that she minded them, though they did make telling the time of day difficult. They just felt like a celebratory gesture, and such things didn’t stick around in the flesh.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
Caught unawares, Phyllis looked over. Sunny too was gazing at the streaks of light, eyes lost in them. Phyllis found herself struck anew by how prominent Sunny’s spectral horn and wings were. Were they here to stay, or would they leave when the light show did? Magic sure did behave in strange ways.
“I never thought I’d see magic like this.” Phyllis was about to respond, when giggles and laughter reached her ears. Her eyes flicked sideways, observing three foals running past, having the playtime of their lives. A pegasus, unicorn, and earth pony.
“Yes. Me neither.” As the volume of the foals in chase faded, Phyllis pressed a hoof to her shoulder bag. That its contents were still there did little to calm her nerves. Maybe she should start there… Or was that too forward?
Phyllis heard two pairs of hooves stop. “Mrs. Cloverleaf.” Stopping herself almost on instinct, she looked back. Sunny stood a few paces away, looking intently at her. Like back in town, there was confusion, but her face was softer, her brows less furrowed. “Is there something you want to tell me?”
A small sigh left Phyllis. No going back now.
“I have something for you.” Unfastening her bag and reaching inside, she felt around for the desired item. By the time she’d withdrawn her hoof, Sunny had closed the distance enough for Phyllis to hoof it right over.
It was only as Sunny took the object that she registered what it was. Phyllis heard a slow, short breath escape the mare, forehoof shaking as she lifted the brand-new, reinforced frame closer.
Against her will, Phyllis felt her eyes draw down, observing the aged, torn photo inside, and the depiction of a much younger Sunny, mouth agape in delight, laid across the back of a spectacled blue stallion. Why, she didn’t know, for the image had been burned into her mind ever since pushing in the last side of its original broken frame. More so after applying the tape as carefully as possible.
“You put it back together.” Another shallow breath made itself known. “You even found the rest of it.”
“Yes,” Phyllis said, smiling bashfully, her eyes traveling over the recovered scraps at the margins. “Noticed it again once everypony started moving back to town. Got Toots and Sweets to help find all the fragments under the debris.” It was still broken, raw, rough, incomplete. Yet perhaps because of the face-breaking grins on the two ponies, the photo looked brighter than ever.
Phyllis looked back up, observing Sunny still taking the photo in. Slowly, the young mare looked up from her frozen-in-time father. The corner of her mouth twitched.
Then, suddenly, Sunny leaped forward, throwing her forelegs around Phyllis. Caught off guard, Phyllis was so stunned she could only stumble with her rear hooves to keep upright.
“Thank you, Phyllis.” Despite the soft warmth of Sunny’s words by her neck, Phyllis felt colder, if anything. Yet something about those words also felt liberating. She was still nervous, but her hesitation had diluted.
“…Do you remember last year, when you were in my office?” Phyllis felt Sunny pull away, forelegs retracting. Phyllis almost choked at the melancholy expression on Sunny’s face when she parted, but retained enough strength to keep going. “Remember the story I told you?
“I… I asked the pegasus queen about it.”
Sunny’s eyes widened. She took a step back, but took another one forward again just as quick, craning her neck. “What… what did she say?” Phyllis’ eyes flickered sideways, confirming out of instinct that nopony was within earshot.
“She knew what happened.” Phyllis didn’t pause to absorb Sunny’s reactions. She needed to get this out. “The second set of tracks, they were a patrolling guard.” Dimly aware of Sunny’s mouth opening wider, Phyllis averted her eyes. “Because of… what we believed… our pony got so scared, he backed too close to the cliff edge. The pegasus tried to warn him, he even dove forward, but that just made our pony back up further… and slip.”
“…And because they had no magic, he couldn’t fly to save him.” Sunny’s voice was barely a whisper, but it carried more gravitas than if she’d had a megaphone to hoof.
“Yes,” Phyllis said quietly. She looked out to the ocean, watching the thin lines of waves caress the horizon. Not even when Sunny walked out ahead of her onto the grass, observing the same, did she move.
For what felt like the longest time, the two stood there, watching the bay. The celebrations back in town were faintly audible, but next to the shimmer of the aerial rays and the water below, they might as well have been absent.
Phyllis felt a choke in her throat. It had been a long time since she’d had to do something like this. Being the leader of the biggest company around, adored by all, meant you were always on the other end of this situation, and well used to it. None of that front-row observation was helping here. Yet despite her legs threatening to wobble, she found the strength to get one word out.
“Sunny.”
It was enough. Once her companion had turned around, Phyllis saw her react with surprise at the look on Phyllis’ face. Though her muscles sagged further at Sunny’s expression, Phyllis finally had the conviction she needed.
“I’m sorry.”
With the deed done, Phyllis waited patiently. Sunny didn’t move, the wind lightly stirring her mane. Every sparkle and shimmer in her horn and wings seemed to hesitate, as though they sensed the moment’s importance. Even more still was Sunny’s face, locked in a kind of frozen digestion.
Eventually, Sunny responded. “For what?”
Phyllis let out a bittersweet chuckle. It felt right, somehow. “For many things. For never truly considering we didn’t have to live in fear. For having Canterlogic endorse that distrust all these moons. For ignoring every plea for peace you made. For… for playing a major part in ostracizing you from everypony.”
In the seconds she took to gather herself, Phyllis caught sight of the photo clutched in Sunny’s hoof. Of the little filly so happy you felt better just looking at her. Of her laid across the stallion’s back.
“For turning my flank on what I once believed. And… and on a friend.”
Phyllis closed her eyes, lowering her head. She heard the wind through her curls more than she felt it.
“I used to think you were blinded from the truth.” With her head still lowered, her eyes opened, focusing sideways. She could just make out the faint hoofprints of the foals who had run by earlier. “It was the rest of us who had our eyes shut. Some more than others.”
When she raised her neck back up, Phyllis was pained to see what she saw, more than she’d thought possible. Sunny’s pupils were averted, downcast, her mouth threatening to droop off her muzzle. Across her face was the painful reminder of what she’d endured all those years. Just as Phyllis had suspected. And on top of all that, a conflicted evaluation of Phyllis’ apology. If it even deserved that label.
“Can you forgive this foolish old mare, Sunny?” Sunny’s ears flickered, though she didn’t raise her eyes. “This stubborn, withered pony too set in her ways?” Phyllis waited for a reaction. Any kind of sign.
Sunny finally looked back to Phyllis, eyes locked on each other. For a moment, she remained still, mouth marginally ajar.
Then, just as it closed, it widened into a small, but beautiful smile. Pure, unfiltered, sincere. In that moment, Phyllis could feel her heart beat faster, even through the shallow breath she drew as the corners of her mouth turned up. She wasn’t foolish enough to assume too much from this simple gesture. And she knew Sunny would never truly forget. Yet she felt far more relieved from this than from anything Sunny might have said.
Setting the photo down, Sunny closed the distance. “Dad and I promised we’d prove all ponies were meant to be friends.” It was to Phyllis’ credit that she didn’t stiffen more than marginally when Sunny placed a hoof on her. “Age, the past… that doesn’t matter.” At this, Phyllis failed to surpass a relieved chuckle. It must have been infectious, for Sunny giggled herself.
As relief continued to wash over them both, Phyllis found herself lost in Sunny’s mane. Not the rainbow streaks, pretty as they were, but the familiar purple bits among the magenta. They felt new at the same time.
She closed her eyes briefly, letting a long breath out, one that seemed to calm with her heartbeat as it dissipated away. She still had much to do, but now… it felt doable.
Now, she had the courage to say what she should have said last year.
“He never really left you, you know.”
Before Sunny had even had a chance to react more than widening her eyes, Phyllis found her own hoof on Sunny’s shoulder. Why, she wasn’t sure. It was as though a part of her long since buried was active now. But she made no effort to fight it.
“I see so much of him in you.” She let out a soft sigh, wistful yet somehow cheerful. Perhaps this was the effect Sunny had on others when there were no opposing stances at play. “His caring nature, and his dedication to the triumphs of the past. But it was your drive for our future that made the difference.”
Sunny’s face contorted, digesting these words. Her smile hadn’t exactly vanished, but it seemed subdued by thought. Slowly, she retracted her hoof, walking past. Turning, Phyllis saw her stop a few paces away, her gaze directed at the lighthouse’s split tower.
Phyllis had only been watching for a few moments when Sunny sighed softly, and though Phyllis couldn’t be sure, she thought she saw Sunny’s eyes flicker to her phantasmal horn. When she looked again, though, Sunny was focused on the twisting kaleidoscope of dancing, hypnotic rays.
As Phyllis made to follow, she instead found her gaze shifting downward, to the lighthouse’s base. Her eyes magnetically drew themselves to the toppled mechanical monstrosity still lying at its side. Observing every rivet, every curve. Every one of them a Canterlogic component.
Convincing herself it was to give Sunny more space, and not because of the rising discomfort in her stomach, she turned inland, in the vague direction of Zephyr Heights. Where everything had changed for her, all those years ago.
No, Phyllis corrected herself. Where she had let it change her. Let it blind her. And be blinded to what – or whom – she loved.
She felt a hoof atop her own. Turning, she saw Sunny. What was equally surprising was seeing something of a knowing smirk plastered across the young mare. Not an unbecoming one, it still radiated warmth. Just with some craftiness too, a look Phyllis identified on sight from experience. Whatever Sunny had been thinking about had long since resolved itself.
“You know, there’s going to be a need for unusual gadgets in the future. Especially with everypony having their magic back.” Phyllis blinked twice, sharply, certain she must have misheard. “I’ve seen how unicorns and pegasi live, I have a few ideas for what they could use. All we need now is somepony to make them.”
Sunny almost seemed to blur away into an indistinct mush. Phyllis barely felt or heard anything, dimly aware of sitting down. Here she was, wondering what the next step forward would be in a future she had never expected could ever happen. She was sharp enough to know her whole company became obsolete the moment they put the fractured frame back together. That they would need a complete restructuring and rebranding to not collapse overnight. There had just been more pressing issues at hoof.
And now the way forward had been hoofed to her on a silver platter. Not only that, it was a golden opportunity with nothing but benefits for everypony. Dimly, she became aware Sunny was sitting even closer than when she was standing. Her patient, knowing look hadn’t left.
Phyllis felt her gut twist. She… she didn’t deserve this.
She made to retract her foreleg. But as she did so, Phyllis felt the hoof on top tighten, grasping firmer, yet retaining the same gentleness. She drew a short, rattled breath, at which Sunny’s knowing grin faded for a soothing, placid one.
“It doesn’t matter how long ago you gave up, Phyllis.” Sunny’s eyes twinkled, emerald irises sparkling more than her horn or wings. “It’s never too late. There’s always a chance for everypony. We’ll all do our part.”
“Hoof to heart.”
Sunny and Phyllis froze, mouths ajar in the wake of what they’d just said. Both with their spare forehooves held to their chests. And both with a dawning realization of what had just happened.
Phyllis was the first to speak. “I… I haven’t heard those words in so long.” Her attention darted sideways, eyeing the salvaged photo she’d returned to Sunny lying nearby. “I thought I’d forgotten them.”
Sunny broke into a great, big beam. The kind that made you feel light on your hooves just to behold. “Sounds like they never really left you,” Sunny said softly. Phyllis let out a tiny but perceptible giggle most unbecoming of a pony of her stature, except during public presentations. Sunny was right – already, Phyllis was recalling in vivid detail saying the words with the gestures many times. And carrying through on them every time… except one.
Struck by a fresh reminder, Phyllis stammered. “Oh, um…” Breaking from their grasp, she fumbled nervously with the pouch at her side, struggling to flip up the latch, her hooves oddly resistant to this simple command. “I’ve got something else for you too.” Finally getting the flap open, she got out her second gift. With the mare of the moment right there, Phyllis pulled no punches, dropping it straight into her lap.
Slowly, Sunny picked up the familiar frame. The picture inside was just as faded as the last time it had seen daylight, perhaps even more. Phyllis watched Sunny’s eyes linger on the colt Argyle and filly Phyllis. One hoof moved over the glass, tracing the path the two foals ran through, their joyful grins forever frozen in time.
Finally, Sunny looked up. “You’re giving me this?” Phyllis nodded slowly, a final confirmation. She hadn’t given that photo any thought at all in the last year. Not until magic had been restored. Since then, it hadn’t left her head. A reminder of what once was.
Sunny inspected the photo again, a thoughtful look on her face. Phyllis waited patiently, not sure what she was thinking, but willing to give her a moment.
“No.” Sunny’s hooves moved, pressing the photo back into Phyllis’ lap. “You should keep it.”
“What?” Phyllis’ eyes flashed between the photo and Sunny, unable to decide where to stick. “But why?”
“Phyllis, it’s a lovely gift, but I don’t need this to remember him by.” Sunny’s eyes didn’t even dart in the direction of the first photo. “After all, he never really left me.” Phyllis felt her own focus finally settle on the little Argyle.
“And… I think he’d want you to keep it.”
The very air seemed to hush. Phyllis felt every hair on her coat bristle. For the first time in many moons, she truly took in the photo, eyes drawn to her young, carefree self, a pony who had felt more like a stranger with time. Yet now, the more she looked, the more familiar that filly seemed.
Maybe Sunny was right. Maybe it wasn’t too late.
When she looked back up, Sunny’s beam was so infectious it only took two seconds for Phyllis to follow suit. Sunny grinned further, and leaned forward, wrapping her forelegs around Phyllis. Phyllis did the first thing that came to mind, and threw her own forelegs around Sunny. As they brushed by the golden wings of light, Sunny bristled, an involuntary shudder fair for new appendages, regardless of their time here.
Now in the embrace and returning it, Phyllis had no thoughts of ending it prematurely. It had been so long since she’d been in such an intimate hug with anypony but Sprout. Love him though she did, he wasn’t the hugging type, prone to mumbling she was embarrassing him and wiggling out, even in private. Oh, there would be plenty of embarrassment sans hugs for him, Phyllis mused. But that was for later.
“Hey, Sunny!” Blinking, Phyllis and Sunny leaned back from the hug, turning. Hitch stood on the crest of the hill, waving in their direction. Phyllis could even spot the hang-on critters that trailed him everywhere by his side, along with the pegasus queen’s flying dog, bobbing at head height. “Everypony’s gathering for a picnic!” The white bundle of fluff drew sideways, rubbing against Hitch’s cheek. At this, the sheriff pushed him away gently, blushing. “You coming?”
“Be right there!” Making to stand, Sunny retrieved her photo lying a few paces away. Phyllis also got to her hooves, returning hers to her pouch. As Sunny set off, Phyllis followed. She needed to get back to town anyway. The duties of an industrious leader rarely slept for long. Especially with all the work that would need to be done in removing past marketing, discontinuing old products, and designing new ones.
“Hey, Phyllis.” Phyllis turned as she matched Sunny’s pace, observing her looking somewhat bashful and hesitant. “Would it be okay if we got together sometime? And you could tell me some stories about Dad?” Sunny’s ears flicked up, as sure a sign of an idea as vocalizing it. “I’ll make some unicorn cupcakes. They’re great freshly baked!”
Phyllis didn’t even have to put effort into her nostalgic smirk. “I’d like that.” Cocking her head as her smile widened, and not even minding needing to stop to readjust her spectacles, Phyllis continued on with Sunny, Hitch waiting just a hill ahead.
She was always a mare who looked to the future, but she was used to some degree of predictability, of expectedness, in doing so. Make new products, keep everypony safe, nurture Sprout, rinse and repeat. Now that had been thrown into disarray, and many old habits would need much tinkering. It wouldn’t be easy. Not least adjusting how she encouraged her own son, she noted with a tightening of her mouth.
But all in all, Phyllis had never been more glad not to know what lay ahead. Because with warm memories and old beliefs rekindled, the future never looked so bright.
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An intriguing, thoughtful before/after with well-written characterization for both leads throughout. Kudos!
Exactly the sort of interaction and reconciliation I'd expect between these two, and you wrote it wonderfully. Bravo!
11034284
Thank you very much! It is still a Phyllis story more then a Sunny one, even if the text in the first chapter is fully about Sunny, it’s really about Phyllis. As we observe through Phyllis never internally acknowledging that Sunny’s words could have merit, and we interpret a lot from that. And the fic obviously uses knowledge of the film’s events to basically function at all, both in putting us ahead of the characters (spotting the truth of the cliff incident well in advance of the characters) and knowing what Sunny is feeling/thinking at moments where even Phyllis doesn’t. Still, a good fanfic can rely on the film to exist, no?
In any case, very happy you found the characterisation intriguing and thoughtful. Always want to make a reader think!
11034325
Thanks very much! The fic’s genesis is a bit of a mystery even to me, but showing how these two would interact, when they clearly know each other and have interacted many times in the past - despite basically never directing interacting in the film - was one of my top priorities.
If I had a second goal, it was to write a Phyllis story without Sprout, to see if there was anything I could work with there, just her. And, well, there was.
It both is and isn’t surprising a fic with these two hasn’t been done yet (it’s hard for Phyllis to make much of an individual impression when she spends almost the whole film either as a plot device for Sprout to bounce off of, or as the speaker for the film’s setup which Sunny fights against - Haven and Alphabittle, despite less screentime and dialogue, get more chances to shine individually and embed themselves in the mind as characters to want to focus on for stories), so I hope I set a high standard as the inaugural writer there!
Much thanks for your praise on the reconciliation especially, it’s never an easy thing to pull off (and frankly, I’m not sure I did that as well as I could have. But a good writer always aims to improve!).
The first chapter’s quite good, providing some excellent background for both characters. Phyllis having deeper history with Argyle makes a wonderful amount of sense, and the tragedy at Zephyr Heights is very well conceived.
But the second one… The emotional arc feels all over the place. Phyllis’s apology and returning the repaired picture both feel like they should be the emotional climax of the scene, but it just keeps going. And it drags itself into a review of the last act of the movie. Yes, Phyllis doesn’t know the details there, but the audience does, and the review feels like a slog as a result.
This does do a lot to flesh out Phyllis and her relationship with Sunny, but there’s a lot of bloat around that. Still, plenty of interesting ideas on display. Thank you for this, and best of luck in the judging.
11039035
Hey, my first FoME comment! I've seen how great they are elsewhere, nice to have one of my own now.
It's fitting you mention the second chapter's bloat, because I was very much aware of this (and had already done a lot to mitigate it – Sunny's tale was originally close to double its current length, until I decided to have her start in right at the crystals failing, hoping by making her story about what she was feeling, not what happened, it would be justified), but I struggled to find a way to fix this while still having it flow organically. Perhaps the piece's origin (a cookie-cutter "Sunny and Phyllis reconcile after the movie at Argyle's grave" story I thankfully abandoned quickly) gave me undue attachment to them patching up the pieces, even as the first chapter, the prequel one, was proving more fascinating as I developed it.
I think the real sign of the bloat lies in Chapter 2 being 1,600 words longer than Chapter 1 – if it could not be shorter, it should still structurally be in the same ballpark. The release should not be longer then the buildup of tension, after all. I think I felt the thematic and character point of Sunny's tale – echoing Phyllis doing the same last time, with the same end result – justified the means, and didn't consider it would feel repetitive (well, I did, hence shortening it substantially, but you know). In fact, in writing the whole piece, the numerous echoes and contrasts, thematic and otherwise, became so important to me I perhaps grew too attached to scale them back. If I'd hit upon a way to go from Sunny accepting Phyllis' apology straight to her prodding the older mare about what to do with Canterlogic going forward, I would have. That probably would have been enough. Maybe I just need objective distance to try cutting Sunny's tale and see if that works.
The real kicker? When I was finishing this up, I realised that either of these chapters, with minute adjustments, could have been standalone stories (Chapter 1 more so, Chapter 2 would have required substantial changes). And I was this close to just making this story be Chapter 1. Perhaps publishing Chapter 2 at a later date, or as a separate fic. Or even just marking Chapter 1 alone as the contest entry!
Why didn't I? I'm not sure. Maybe I didn't feel confident in doing a non-happy ending. Maybe I felt readers needed to leave with more sympathy for Phyllis by seeing her admit her wrongs, rather than not even thinking of them despite the reader seeing them. Maybe I felt the lack of an emotional release from Phyllis in Chapter 1 needed the second one as a counterbalance. Maybe I feared backlash from presenting a protagonist who is wrong and mostly unsympathetic (not that that can't work, it very much can, I mean pulling it off correctly).
Regardless, on reflection and several days off writing it, I totally see why Chapter 1 made a bigger impression on you, regardless of its lack of bloat. Phyllis' cut-dry minimalism to her words and thoughts gives it a brisk efficiency that shows a lot without telling (hence why the Zephyr Heights tale came out the way it did, landing for you greatly). It challenges the reader far more, and that's rewarding and satisfying.
So, two ways I was partially aware of fixing Chapter 2's bloat (one by cutting the chapter altogether), and I got cold feet on them both. Oh well. Guess it happens! For what it's worth, I do feel driven to do a rewrite of Chapter 2, see if I can't improve it. The bloat is too ingrained to fully remove, but if 1,000-ish words is chopped off (mostly from Sunny's tale), it shouldn't feel distractingly bloated. I wrote Chapter 1 second, it's no wonder it came out better.
In any case, remarkably succinct, efficient constructive feedback (not a skillset of mine with this comment, as you can see
), nice even when it cuts deep. And the praise for the elements that did really land for you, that's very much appreciated. Hopefully this story will help me going forward in my future writing endeavours. Thank you, FoME!
Beautiful. You've captured Phyllis Cloverleaf at her full potential. Every implied bit of complexity in her motives, expressions, actions, and inactions is thrust center stage for in-depth study and a fantastic, mature resolution in the exact ways I hoped a fanfiction would give me.
Thank you for taking the time to share this with us.
11043579
Such kind words! Seriously, you just about made my day with your comment.
I'm not going to pretend I captured Phyllis perfectly, nor in a manner that fits with everyone's headcanon (lots of people paint her as far more greedy in making money, for a start, knowingly taking advantage of her fear-mongering). But as regards actually delving into what makes her her, why she does what she does, and how she would have viewed Sunny prior to and after the film's events, I sought for exactly what you said - a mixture of breaking down her motives and thoughts, forcing them into the spotlight, while still leaving plenty to implication. Don't want to reveal everything! Especially as regards both Phyllis' backstory with Argyle and the incident at Zephyr Heights - the more detail given there, the less impact they land with.
But I'm beyond delighted to hear this fic delivered exactly what you'd hoped for in a Phyllis character study. See, she's not just a plot device for Sprout/the film's segregation setup! At least, not in terms of what can be done with her.
And mature resolution, that's well appreciated too. I really wanted to strike a balance of Phyllis being able to step over her pride and admit she was wrong, feeling not stubbornness but regret and guilt she's trying her hardest to stomach down. Stoked that worked for you!
No, thank you for enjoying it as much as you did!
11044289
Yeah! One of the first things I noticed was that Canterlogic products were all defensive, and she did help supervise the defenses when Izzy showed up. For better or worse, Phyllis is sincere in her motivation. Sprout stomping past the limits she set because he didn't care for the context of why they do what they do emphasized that (and a number of other psychological points) wonderfully. Every time I saw them onscreen I hoped a good fic would come along soon!
She and Sprout are characters with potential, I think.
11070140
Glad you liked it!
It was a tricky balance for me, making it clear that incident was a turning point for her, but not the sole factor, as that would be rote and unimaginative. And on a related note, that she is still a businessmare driven by finances. Without that, the story would come across as making excuses for her behaviour in the film and leading up to it. Certainly, it’s an unusual take thus far in the fandom - when she’s popped up at all, she’s usually still painted in a bad light, or a hang-on to whatever is being done with Sprout (and usually with reluctance on the author’s part, clearly as an obligation). Which, you know, I get, she’s given basically no unique agency of her own in the film, so she won’t stick in the mind much.
I still debate how well I hit this balance, but it seems to have worked for most readers, so I’ll take it!
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You're welcome. I must admit I would not mind seeing more stories lean away from the overly negative portrayals of Phyllis, but that may be due to me running into a lot of those ideas over the past few weeks.
Nice! A more sympathetic portrayal of Phyllis. It makes her motivations and reasons for her prejudice very believable.
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I kind of see Hitch the same way. He grew up around Argyle and Sunny. Their stories sounded great to him and he wanted to believe.
When he found proof that pegasi and unicorns weren't dangerous, he was able to let go of the fear.
This story is incredible!! I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Not only did you manage to completely redeem Phyllis as a character in my eyes, you actually gave her a sympathetic backstory that expands on both her and Argyle’s past! If I could give this story a 400% Mega A++, I would. I’m looking forward to reading this again. At first I thought this would be an AU story in which Sunny listens to Phyllis and gives up on her quest for friendship and unity, but what I got was 4 trillion times better. It functions both as a prequel and a sequel, with the focus being on Phyllis rediscovering herself and what she lost, eventually rediscovering it with Sunny.
This should be an episode in the new series. If not, I’ll be mad. Outstanding job!! You should be very proud of yourself.
Rating: EXCELLENT!!!!
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Thanks very much! That was one of my man inspirations – both at the time I wrote the story and now, Phyllis had appeared in precious few fanfics, and usually either as a plot device to Sprout (much as she did in the film) or in an antagonistic role that flanderized her. So I was very consciously doing something that hadn't been done yet, making her sympathetic while still remaining true to her film depiction as an efficient, pragmatic business mare (her having a mask for the public was the lifesaver there, a point from the film whose expansion made the fic believable).
I'm not surprised that's what most readers have latched onto, and I'm sure many wish there was more of it. But it very much is a "less is more" thing as regards the story's overall effect.
I can see that, though I suppose were that the case, I'd have used both the Alternate Universe tag and the Sad tag.
Ha, I appreciate the vote of confidence, but even aside from this story being fully tied to a written fiction format, making it a difficult translation to a screen cartoon (in the focus on talking/thoughts over visual storytelling, though there is plenty of that here too), and not having nearly enough content for a full episode (22 minutes, anyway), the cartoon would never allow even the implication here of a pony dying from falling off a cliff, much less the suspicion that a pegasus pushed him off deliberately.
You're lucky to have not come across it in the first two weeks, before I made a substantial revision and cut that massively streamlined and focused the story. The minor net gain from Sunny recapping the end of her journey to Phyllis did not justify the nearly 1,500 words spent telling it.
I am proud of it, though. Oh, I can't ignore the imperfect authorial voice and tone modulation, writing tics I'm still working on, and I do need to find ways to tell stories faster with less description. But of the three Pony fics I've written thus far, this is the strongest, given the other two are Jinglemas contest entries that, while strong in characterisation and revealing in character depth, are still fundamentally feed-good fluff pieces.
This is the best kind of fic, it's in the spirit of the show and highlights a lesson people need to be reminded of. It's never too late to admit your wrong and change. I am glad we got an explanation for the townspony's death, confronted by a solider he panicked and there was tragic consequences. I never did feel Phillis and Sprout where evil, we often do the wrong thing motivated by good inetions. Most G5 fics do deal with Canterlogic and Phillis making a turn around and serving all ponies. When.it comes to the story trope of magic vs tech I always prefer Magitek as the superior solution rather than one being Op compared to the other. Why pick between a fireball and gun when you can make a Fireball Gun! Why not have your spell book on your Tablet computer? A smart watch that can scry with GPS!
Oh those kids
And now this is the aftermath of the movie and I got to say this was a pretty nice way for having sunny and Phyllis talking with each other having strong moment with each other even Phyllis apologized for all those things that Sunny has to go through she even told her what really happened to Argyle and despite all this happening Sunny still forgave Phyllis and that really brings a lot of closure for her again this was a really nice story and I really like how you write Phyllis to give her more character keep up the good work
You can has review!
This one was quite solid, fitting in neatly as a companion story to the movie itself - not a "fixfic," but a pair of scenes that expands canon and would not have been amiss in the movie itself. This excellently sets the scene for a great deal that happens: why Phyllis lets Sprout visit as a child, why Sunny seems to just get hoof-slaps for repeatedly breaking and entering, and why overall things just don't seem personal despite the direct clash of their ideals.
I see by the comments this went through some major edits? It all flowed very well for me with really no baggage, so the changes appear successful.
While I do view Phyllis as the secret 'real' villain of the movie, this story serves as very nice bookends. It's rare that a story which basically serves to expand an existing canon plot holds my interest, but this is it done right.
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Aw, thanks for the kind words, buddy! "quite solid" is about right, I'm still green enough to writing Ponyfic (it's more a side diversion then an active hobby), and this is the only non-fluff entry I've currently written. It's about what I'd say as a reader.
Not the first time someone has said this, and while it's obviously the case that this could not happen onscreen in the same film, for content reasons, pacing and flow with the existing material, and being far too centred on characters talking and brooding for a visual medium, I know what people mean, that it seamlessly fits with how they've internalised the film's events, and expands unexplained points/relationships in a way that feels like something that happened, even if we don't see it. So I'm humbled! Obviously there's far more things fanfiction can do then just that, but it's an admirable goal to succeed at.
Not a takeaway I intended; in fact, even within this portrayal of Phyllis, given Sprout was what made her sever ties with Argyle fully, she's still very much against that. But it's not incompatible, by any means. Interesting that Phyllis came across a little softer than intended.
More so for Sunny, given prior to the first chapter, she knew nothing of Phyllis' past, with Argyle or on her own.
High praise, thanks very much! Sadly, G5's characters and world are so ill-conducive to organically generating fanfic, relative to G4, that it's mostly cute little fluff pieces, extrapolations of the inter-generation connection, and canon expansion stories like this that we can get. That's still true now, and it was even more true when this was published, all of 37 days after the film released.
But yes, I get the general aversion to fics just patching up undernourished canon aspects this transparently. Though perhaps because I never conceived of this that way, but just thought of a take on the relationship between these two that felt right for this story, that's why it transcended your resistance to such fics.
Much thanks again! Hopefully with the next non-fluff Ponyfic I write, I'll be able to build on the writing honed here, while doing something different enough to not settle into a rigid type and tone (honestly my biggest concern with creative writing).
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Too clarify, I do like using 'quite' a lot. The praise was not intended to be backhanded or guarded in any way. This was a good story.
Cutting baggage is a thing I still have to do with every time I write. I find it helps to read it out loud, which kind of helps you go 'wait that sentence was a total non sequitur' and 'wow that sentence has five commas, let's work on it a little.'
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It’s fine, I knew exactly what you meant, it didn’t come across as guarded at all. I interpreted your “quite solid” as equivalent to my “pretty good”, which feels about right (that is how I would tier this story, for what it’s worth).
Very true. In this case, it was more at the level of cutting a whole 1,500-word segment and making new bridging material (which seems to have come across seamlessly
), but it’s for sure a thing at the micro level, and going back over a sentence slowly helps a lot. Certainly, it’s a skill you have from your stories I’ve read (I still remember how efficient and dense the Jinglemas Breezie story you did for me last year was 
).
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Well, Jinglemas stories are conceived and written in weeks (days for the Breezies) so those are either a single-scene or fairly dense just as a necessity. >_>
You've already seen my review, of course, but only fair to come over and mention here as well that I found it a good read. Nice characterisation in particular, and you know I enjoy that. An easy like.