Lupin III: Horseshoes and Hand Grenades

by Abremelinthemagus

He's a Nice Man

Goemon was free falling several hundred yards down onto what looked like a forest, to many this would be horrifying but for Goemon it was just tuesday. Especially when one considers the fact that one of his many unofficial ‘job requirements’ was to stand on top of moving planes in an attempt to cut down enemy aircraft so heights really didn’t bother him. Still he was smart enough to tightly grip his handheld parachute as he slowly fell to earth, watching his companions plummet with a mix of mild concern and disinterest. Goemon knew Lupin would be fine, he was always fine, in fact unlike Jigen he’d basically stopped morning every time the man ‘died’ just because he was certain he’d show up right as rain in a week. Besides, after the whole affair at the Vatican he’d felt he needed a bit of space from his more vocal compatriots.

He tightened his grip around his Zantetsuken, looking down to make sure what Lupin called his ‘raison d’etre’ was still on him. Taking the role of Damocles below him was a lush woodland, more reminiscent of the American Appalachias than those of Italy, a few flocks of brightly colored birds looking like garish flying carpets below him above a calm sea of green. As the green approached him he unsheathed his sword with an ominous hiss, breathed in…. And began to slash. With every movement of his arms more and more branches, leaves and all fell to the forest floor with various thuds and bangs. Each level becoming more and more illuminated by the sunlight that most likely never touched it as Goemon continued to descend further and further down. Finally, after what felt like hours the boggy ground was in sight, he released his parachute, the sound of his own feet hitting the dirt joined the cacophony of smashing and cracking branches from his violent descent. He stood for a bit both taking in his surroundings and admiring his work, around him was a near perfect circle of leaves and wood, that could best be described as some colossal reverse firepit. Goemon turned to his right as he noticed one of the branches was off, he sighed and sheathed his sword. It seemed that he had not only cut several worthless objects, but he didn’t even do that good of a job.

In the middle of wondering whether he should physically move the log into the circle for symmetry’s sake, a quiet squeak immediately caught his attention. To many people, a sound such as this would be inconsequential, but Goemon knew better than to ignore any stimulus he could focus on. After all, to know one’s surroundings was to know one’s battlefield, battlefield’s being something that many locations would turn into in his recent years much to his chagrin. He steadied himself, and breathed deeply avoiding any movement just in case he’d spook the creature or alert it to the fact that it knew he was being watched. Then like a sped up turntable he pivoted, hand held tightly to his sword’s sheath eyes steeled and glaring in a look of cold focus, or consternation if the thing on the receiving end of his icy gaze was Lupin or Fujiko.

When he turned around Goemon expected to see many things, an animal, a child, an adult, maybe even the creaking of a log, but what he saw before him was one of the few things that could make him not only break his stance but gasp. Looking up at him with an almost adorable terror was a little yellow horse with flowing pink hair, besides its massive eyes and unnatural colors the most amazing thing about it was its wings. Goemon quickly racked his knowledge of mythology to figure out what it was, the creature clearly paralyzed was giving him plenty of time as he ran through an entire catalog of unnatural ungulates and equine cryptids. Pegasus, this was a Pegasus, the creature sprung from the blood of Medusa that was supposedly mounted by the Greek heroes Perseus and Bellerephon. Judging by the size, behavior and its overall neotenous features he summarized it was a juvenile, most likely a lone juvenile.

Goemon instantly softened his posture as he began to lean down in an attempt to console the creature, complete with the occasional shushing sound. Admittedly like most people in rural Japan, he didn’t know much about horses, but he felt he was good enough with animals in general to make this work. An idea bolstered by the fact that the pegasus, though clearly nervous was no longer in a state of pants wetting terror in front of the samurai. Goemon began to crouch lower, a gentle smile gracing his face as he put his hand out so as to allow the tiny equine to smell his hand. Cautiously the creature took a hesitant sniff before instantly pulling back, using its wings to better hide its face from this new potential predator. Goemon breathed out deeply as he pulled his hand back before chuckling, “<What are you doing so far from your mother little one?>”. Normally he wouldn’t talk much in japanese to foreigners, but seeing as this was an animal he suspected that nothing but his tone mattered.

What Goemon didn’t suspect was what happened immediately after he attempted communications with the creature, specifically that it would respond. In fact not only did it respond but it responded in perfect American english no less! “I-I’m sorry m-mr… uhhh.. Whatever you are.. B-but I don’t understand what you’re saying.” Goemon immediately jumped back in utter fear, it wasn’t just the fact that an animal was now talking to him but the fact that now had to be aware of what he said around it. Especially as by its voice, it sounded like a woman, the conversation partner that made Goemon most nervous.
Quickly composing himself Goemon jumped back this time making trembling eye contact with the talking pony. Normally he’d close his eyes when talking to a member of the opposite gender but at the moment he wanted to have as many reminders as possible she was closer to Mr. Ed than to Fujiko. With a cough and a fair bit of thought Goemon mentally switched to English, glad it was the only western language he knew. “I’m a human.. Ma’am.” He managed to sputter, a noticeable pause before ma’am as he attempted to figure out exactly what to call a talking pony.

“Ooohh ok..” Said the pegasus awkwardly pawing the dirt as she too attempted to look away from him, clearly almost as uncomfortable as he was before another pregnant pause inserted itself into their stilted conversation. “Sorry to ask but w-what’s a human?” Once again there was no malice in her voice and this time an awkward smile graced her face in an attempt at conciliation that clearly wasn’t working.

Goemon awkwardly rubbed his chin as the pegasus continued to wait on a response growing less and less sure of herself by the second. Goemon briefly looked at his hand before an idea struck him, “I suppose you can call us a species of ape.”. He said eyes now turned away from the mare in a desperate attempt to save his dignity.

“Oooh.. I guess that must be sort of obvious… what with the thumb and all.” Goemon nodded, he wondered if she would be able to figure it out much easier if Lupin was around. Especially as he was practically a synonym for apelike in both his looks and behavior. Once again the Pegasus, now clearly emboldened by Goemon’s passivity piped up, “Sorry to intrude b-but are you lost?”

Normally Goemon would come up with some vaguely wise aphorism about how ‘one is never lost when they have their sword’ but truth be told he certainly didn’t feel that way at the moment. For Buddha’s sake he may be on an entirely different planet or perhaps inside the spirit world talking to some strange horse kami. “I suppose I am…. Lost.”. Once again he attempted to sound enigmatic on the last word but it just sort of fell flat.

“You poor dear! Would you like me to take you to ponyville? It’s a wonderful town even if its a bit… hectic sometimes.” Goemon hung his head, he didn’t like being fretted over it made him feel young and he disliked that. Its not that this pegasus was trying to patronize him, in fact he was almost certain she only had good intentions but it still didn’t sit right with him. Despite his serious demeanor he was the youngest member of the Lupin Gang, and it showed, hell in some countries he was the only one who got carded when he ordered a drink. In fact it wouldn’t exactly be an untruth if someone said the reason he acted so traditional and stoic was precisely because he looked so damn young.

“That would be nice.” He said sighing, his head held dejectedly, which apparently gave the Pegasus the impression that he was sad about being lost. Running up to him in the manner that one would approach a stray puppy or a lost child.

She went up against his legs, her big sad blue gaze best described as diabetes inducing and another obstacle to Goemon’s stoic image. “I’ll take you to Twilight she’ll know how to get you home and all better.”

Goemon looked up into the forest desperately searching for a distraction or threat he could focus on without this pastel pegasus reaching any more of his vulnerable side. “I don’t have a home.”. Unfortunately while he nailed the delivery he quickly realized that only made him sound more pitiable.

“Oh Celestia you poor thing! I can’t imagine having to live all on my lonesome.. Without even a place to lay down for the night! That sounds just horrible! Never knowing who to trust, constantly worrying about whether you’ll make it to tomorrow! Having to resort to all sorts of…” Goemon felt vaguely offended as she began to describe his life to and then consider it a living nightmare, before deciding to tune her out as she kept listing more and more accurate detail right down to the hanging off airships bit. The mare gasped mid lecture, “How rude of me! I never asked your name.”

Goemon nodded, “I am called Ishikawa Goemon.” The horse stared at him a bit clearly unused to the formal introduction said with little to no emotion. Typical, he thought to himself, “But you can just call me Goemon if you wish.” At this the mare’s face lightened up instantly.

“My name is Fluttershy, there now we finally know each other.. Well… formally that is.” The rest of the walk for the most part was uneventful, both parties happy to keep relatively quiet. Occasionally Fluttershy would break the silence by pointing out a bird or rodent and Goemon would nod and make a thoughtful hum. Judging by the way she talked about these creatures as if she knew them, and how many of these presumably wild animals came up to her of their own will it seemed that this Fluttershy had quite a way with animals. In fact several birds even sang for her on command, something that on earth he would consider impossible. Goemon pondered if this was a form of magic or codependent evolution, either way it was relatively clear that the forest revolved around her.

Eventually the dark cover of the forest became sparser and sparser as various bushes and meadows came into view. The sun was blindingly bright after the dark forest which forced Goemon to squint, but Fluttershy seemed to be just fine. After a good 20 minutes of watching Fluttershy use her wings for just about everything but flying, and pondering if it would be impolite to bring about what may be a disability to his host before finally giving in. “You have wings yet you always walk. Can you not fly?”

Fluttershy made a disappointed ohh before stooping her head, eyes now much more nervous than before. “Ummm.. I can fly… I’m just not very… good.” Her body language cleary showed she was incredibly ashamed of this fact.
“But you can fly.. Correct?” He asked making sure to make his voice sound as neutral as possible so as not to make the situation any worse than it already was.

“Mhmm”

“May I see you.. fly that is?” Asked Goemon, genuine curiosity at what constituted bad flying or how a horse would develop wings overcoming his admittedly large trepidation.

“You really wouldn’t want to… almost every other pegasus is better.” Fluttershy looked really antsy with this. Goemon was too focused on the revelation that there were not only other pegasus, but enough for her to use that kind of grammar to refer to them for it to be on the forefront. Still even he in his infinite social awkwardness could tell the poor… girl? Could use as pick me up.

“That may be true.” He said placing his hand on her withers eliciting a small eep and a nervous blush, “But seeing as you are the first Pegasus I’ve seen I wouldn’t be able to tell.”

Fluttershy gulped before smiling that same fragile smile as before, “I-I suppose that’s true. Well here goes nothing.” With several large flaps Fluttershy began to lift off the ground, hooves dangling free. Despite the lack of strong currents Fluttershy continued to flit about like a bird making slow gentle arcs around the stunned samurai. Then as quickly as she had left the earth she had returned. “Sorry… I’m sure that was-”

“Incredible” Responded Goemon absolutely stunned, true he’d seen quite a few bizarre things in his time and his fair share of ‘mythical creatures’ but this was something else. To Fluttershy something as impossible as flying as a large vertebrate with solid bones was apparently normal as a light jog. “Does it exhaust you?”

“No… well only when I try flying really fast but I almost never do that.” Goemon nodded still a bit stunned at just how easy this came to her. In his childhood he had watched cranes taking off and compared to her they seemed to be struggling, perhaps the flying was not due to her wing muscles but some form of magic similar to dragon fire. If he was a bolder man he might’ve reached out and touched the wings but seeing as he wasn’t simply watching them was enough.

Before either party could get in another word a bouncing pink ball of fur or judging by the smell, cotton candy was now right between them. “A HUMAN ? OHMIGOSH OHMIGOSH OHMIGOSH!”. At the appearance of the intruder Fluttershy was merely embarrassed but Goemon, well poor Goemon was slightly mortified. You see there’s this joke on the internet that if various pieces of 21st century media were shown to a victorian child, the victorian child would die instantly. Well in this case Pinkie Pie was very much the 21st century media and Goemon was absolutely the victorian child. The fuzzy pink menace quickly turned to Fluttershy eyes so bright Goemon could swear that they were sparkling, “FLUTTERSHY I DIDN’T KNOW YOU COULD MAKE FRIENDS WITH EXTINCT ANIMALS! Can I see a Dodo, or how about a Ophiotaur!?”

“Pinkie!” Fluttershy chastised booping her firmly on the nose, “Can’t you see your scaring him?”. With the same hoof that once was placed on Pinkie’s nose gestured to the stunned Samurai who was looking back at the pink mare with horror and confusion.

“Oh sorry.” Said Pinkie quieting down a bit, “I should've realized modern times can be scary for a human, there aren’t even any mammoths for him to hunt!” Pinkie bounded over to Goemon who was still just a wee bit paralyzed from the shock. She extended a hoof which he awkwardly took before shaking it with incredible strength. “Hi my name’s Pinkie Pie! And I’m-” Goemon got none of the rest of what she said but he assumed it was most likely positive. Like Fluttershy she mentioned taking him to someone named Twilight Sparkle several times.

Comments

[EvilTreerat]

Oh no...
Of course the guy that is the least capable saying no gets saddled with the two utterly insane ponies.

This shall not be pretty..

[Moon_Dew]

I can already see how you're going to title your chapters.