We know Twilight Sparkle as the silly little mare who didn't have any friends until she was sent to Ponyville by Princess Celestia. However, the rest of Equestria knows Twilight Sparkle as poor number 107497, a number even foals are taught to be wary of. The filly was perfectly fine, until one last taunt pushed her over the edge, into her own imagination, where she made friends; each friend a part of her mind.
Five years later, as Princess Celestia sits with her comatose student, aforementioned student moves. Both in the physical world, and slowly from her dream world as well.
Rated Teen because... well... I'm not sure, it just needs a Teen tag.
Chapters (4)
Oh-ho, now this is intriguing! I can't wait to see some more of this fic.
Edit: Wow, I know this can be annoying, but would any new commenters believe this is my FIRST time ever making the very first post like this anywhere, even outside of FiMFiction?
...I, the court scenes made it feel more like a comedy.
I know about the court scenes, and I'll probably be rewriting them later on.
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rushed, this is very rushed. regardless of that I look forward to more, the premise intrigues me.
It was so fast paced, so rushed - yet the idea is just too awesome....
I'll be keeping an eye on this, me thinkies
Good, but very rushed.
I can understand wanting to get to what you really want to tell though, so I will still keep an eye on this.
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Way way WAY too rushed. But I'm loving the premise. I suggest slowing things down and let the characters behave more naturally.
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Seems kind of rushed, honestly. Not sure what to expect from this.
Honestly, the chapter is under 1100 words. I didn't even need to read it to know it was going to be rushed and under-written, but holy balls. Your setup and backstory introduction is ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-ONE WORDS. That's it. The synopsis tells us more than the opening of the story does. There's lots of stories that are in bad need of an editor, but this one is more in need of a writer. I know writers (I'm one) who put more words into their outlines than you put in an entire chapter. If this wasn't a fanfic, there would be absolutely no way of knowing who anyone was, and that's a perilously flimsy crutch to lean on.
This is almost verbatim from the "How you don't introduce a character" handbook. Why is she there? What does she do? In short, who the bloody hell is she? You don't just hand out lines to any actor who queues up to be in a movie, and doing it in a story isn't any less distracting.
I'm not kidding when I say you have one of the most interesting premises I've ever seen on this site, and that should speak volumes, but the execution is just lacking. Nothing has any emotion or weight to it—everything just happens, like we're reading the Cliff Notes version of Romeo And Juliet.
Frankly, this chapter needs another 3-4000 words to make it work—at MINIMUM, and it really shouldn't be that hard to do. The premise is so rich that you should be able to write for days just on how Twi ended up in this situation, never mind how she tries to get out of it.
Final verdict: 2/5 Pinkies
A bit rushed, but I'm intrigued. Please, do continue.
Was this inspiered by any other fics
i dun get it, what happened
Needs a little more exposition and fleshing out but I like the idea you have.
1302972 agreed with all of this.
Court scene seemed rushed but otherwise an interesting start.
Rushed but interesting... I'd take another look at the chapter and flesh it out a bit, if I were you. Still gonna fav this though, because this has caught my attention.
Spend some time fleshing the story out. You do have a really good idea, don't ruin it by not giving it the attention and vision it deserves.
Seems good. Like everypony else said, seems rushed, but it's good.
the premise is strong with this story.
Let us see how it plays out. *fave*
I'm looking forward to where this is going. Take a little more time to let the events play Out, though. Thumbs up for you, sir.
This is very fast paced. Also, I think the ultimate charge and their names should be changed.
The word "bullying" should be taken out of the charge. Kind of makes it sound less serious.
The names kind of sound unoriginal. No offense.
1302972
Well, aren't you a prick.
Revolting. I simply can`t find another word for this.
Oh dear, bullying is so bad, let`s slip in coma. What, wringing some necks is suddenly not an option? For crying out loud, WHY would Twilight even care about those two? Nah, she`ll retort with smug superiority dictated by simple logic.
Quoth the bookish student - "...A wannabe princess? I think not. It`s a hard work, being princess. But oh, you two wouldn`t know anything about work, now would you? No, certainly not. It`s not like you ever did anything worthwhile. Or learned anything worthwhile, for that matter. And it puzzles me, you know. What will you ever do when your parents are not around anymore to throw money at your troubles? It`s not like you know how to earn any. Sure know how to spend, though, so... my prediction is that you`ll run dry after a few years of willy-nilly high-rolling life you two are so fond of. And what then? Selling your flanks on the streets? Well, if that`s the vision of future you two yearn for, don`t let me stop you. There`s a frat house just over yonder, why don`t you two mosey over there and get some early practice? As things are going right now, your flanks are the only worthwhile assets you possess - might want to consider practicing in their use early and often."
Mr. Author, let me start by saying this is an absolutely fantastic story idea. There's so much promise in it that I really want to read it. However, the short chapter length set me off. Rarely does that work out, especially for a story with as rich and deep a plotline as this one.
So I took a look at the comments to see what was up, to see if it was rushed or if you knew how to use shorter chapters properly. And after a look (especially at this guy's comment: 1302972), it looks like you are guilty of the former.
So, Mr. Author, I would humbly request that you take a step back and evaluate your pacing. Did you leave important things out? Did you properly expand upon Twilight's situation? If it appears your pacing is off, I strongly advise a rewrite. And if you do end up rewriting, I would like to know. This is such a promising concept that if you do it right, I will be more than eager to jump right in.
Rushed like hell... mostly this happened and the that happened and then this and that... Just... Ugh
And you were doing so well with the plot! But seriously, add some actual feelings to it. Throw in some time chillingly detailed paragraphs of how each pony reacted or... Something. This could have been better, much better, but it wasn't. It was just too quick. I love the mental idea, but hate the pacing, not to mention all the typos, grammar confusion, and flow of words. Never the less, I will track this and await further chapters in which I prey you stretch more fluently, rather than jumping all over the damn walls with it!
I kid you not, I had the same idea not too long ago. Looks like you beat me to the punch, though.
1302630 Agreed. Having the bullies stand trial mere moments after insulting Twilight? Yeah, I think I'll pass on this one.
I really want to be positive and think that your rushing is to be funny but the tags say otherwise. In otherwords, I am confuse.
1302574
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1303882
Boy, are you in the wrong place if you don't like even constructive criticism.
Everyone says it's rushed, so... yeah, it's probably rushed.
But I faved it.
1304004 I agree. Constructive criticism is well deserved on this rushed, grammar malfunction of a story.
Good, but very rushed. Bullying can be an extremely serious thing and I have a feeling that Twilight has a strong possibility of being a bullying victim in general. I think the premise could have been worked upon a bit though. It seemed random how she suddenly collapsed. It needed to be a bit more gradual, actually showing her mind slipping. It just seemed like she got a little upset and fainted.
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My mind
The court scene was very out of place. Very much unlike Celestia, unrealistically harsh and swift. Trials do not have to be held within an hour of the crime...
Interesting storyline, poor first chapter.
Ahh, insane Twilight. Or sane Twilight in an insane world, or whatever variant thereof. In this case, it's just crazy Twilight, apparently. Still interesting enough to follow, but, poor Twilight.
Not the first time I've seen crazy Twilight...
Expand! You have a balloon of a story but it needs to be filled with the air of details.
The cake is solid and recipe well read but the icing need be applied in thicker coatings.
So yeah, more details and what not. Love the idea.
Honestly, it's not that rushed, is it? It's a little too fast during the trial, and perhaps it would have been a good idea to put Twilight's movements at the end of the chapter rather than at the beginning. (makes for a good cliffhanger and makes the beginning a little less of a weird sudden drop into the story). But otherwise, the pacing was quite fine. This has the clear layout of a prologue chapter and the story is marked 'incomplete', so why this be too fast for a chapter of that kind?
I think, like many have said, that the premise for this is absolutely brilliant. It's also very well written, I love how you changed the POV perfectly which normally is very had to do correctly.
You have left me so:
And therefore I will watch this with curiosity
1303882
Well, at least he's not you.
*not even gonna waste my time with giving this a review, as all that needs to be said has been said*
1304106 Acidic! How you doing buddy?!
1304113
...And this is a classic case of catching the wrong damn fish.
Mostly fine. Hoping to relax a bit by irritating people, and wasting 30 minutes online. Y tu?
1304140Haha, classic behavior as always. Nice seeing you again. Really though, I was just reading the comments as always, and I see yours! You know, we're like Vegita and Goku! You're Vegita and I'm Goku. You don't wish to be friends, but I persist that we are friends, while you deny it all the way!
Stay in touch. I'm gonna go check out that Flash Fog story now. See yah!
lolwut
Hmmm... as truly as intriguing as this story is at its current state, I wish you had filled it out a bit! Flesh the story out, and the constant switching from Celestia's first person to third person can be confusing at times. But regardless, I can tell effort has been put forth to make this good, so I shall keep tabs on this~
1304052
The three mares from the opening shot of the first Episode, most like. But that's a guess, as I have not, nor do I plan to read this. The basic premise just puts me off I'd call it GrimDark, but I'll actually read Grimdark stories. Just chalk it up to the subject matter in this case.
Continue, my good sir.