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One day, as Twilight was tinkering with the portal, she accidentally sends herself and her friends to another world. And they’re no longer ponies, but wolves. They have to learn and adapt to their new bodies and instincts until they find their way home. Along the way, they'll make new friends and face new enemies. But maybe they’ll see that being a wolf isn’t that bad.
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Is this a crossover?
11363281
No. My own original idea.
An interesting concept. So far, the plot seems pretty simple, but with the introduction of new characters, it could get more complex.
Wonder how they'll adjust to the thought of hunting and eating meat? Fluttershy may actually adjust quicker since she deals with predators and knows they need meat to survive, but she may also feel bad about eating prey and hunting. Funny how Lora hasn't asked about Spike. Having a crow as part of a wolf pack may be unusual, even though he could probably help with hunting and watching for other packs from the sky.
Um, you'll probably want to get a beta/proof-reader. Your story is readable, but there are alot of grammatical errors. For one, dialogue that doesn't end with a question mark or exclamation point needs to have a period inside the ending quotation marks, except if you identify the speaker afterwards, then it needs a comma. For example:
Should be:
Twilight held her head high. "Well everyone, looks like we've got something to look forward to in three days."
Notice the period at the end.
And in this instance, where the speaker is identified after the dialogue has ended:
Should be:
"Thank you so much for excepting me," Lora said.
Notice the comma at the end, just before the ending quotation mark. (Also, the word you're looking for here is "accepting", not "excepting". Excepting actually means the opposite of accepting. I know they sound the same and English is sometimes weird like that, so sorry if it's confusing.)
This is also true if the speaker isn't identified by name specifically, but is implied after the dialogue has ended:
Should be:
"I don't really want to talk about it," she replied.
Hope that helps!
11364660
You beautiful person! This actually helps a lot. Thank you so much for the info. Also, Spike is a raven, not a crow. Ravens are bigger birds than crows and make different vocalizations.
Thanks for another great chapter keep up the great work. I have to ask when is Starlight going to appear in the story and also is Starlight going to be a foal/pup or an adultl I'll just to wait and see look forward to the next chapter
Excellent work on improving your grammar for this chapter; much easier to read! đź‘Ť
Also, excellent work on researching the proper way a wolf pack would hunt and take down their prey. A pack would rarely take down a full-grown moose, due to the threat of sustaining injuries themselves, but an injured moose like this would be easier prey, and you got the hunting techniques right.
Hmm, but hardly any mention of Spike, except that one line. No dialogue. How does he feel about the hunt? Did he participate at all, or just eat the scraps afterwards? Or did he even do that? How do the other wolves, his formerly pony friends, feel about him being in the pack, if he isn't a wolf and doesn't help in the hunts? Do they still accept him?
And though they feel "right" about hunting as wolves, that doesn't seem to raise any concerns to them about totally reverting to wolf instincts and ideology to the point where, if even given a choice to go back to being ponies, they'd refuse because it wouldn't feel right to them as wolves to do so.
There's alotta moral quandaries that could be explored and fleshed out to give your story more of a dramatic undertone, if you wished to do so.
11366854
Thanks.
In regards to Spike, he’s been eating what was left of the pack’s kill. I just need to edit this a bit. Also, ravens commonly follow wolf packs and scavenge their kills. Ravens will even nest near wolf dens.
I always had this idea that because they are physically wolves, they should immediately be wolves psychologically as well. I didn’t want to do that crap where they struggle to adjust to their new instincts. I want it to simply set in naturally.
Maybe Trixie and Starlight are pups because they were further away from the magical portal when the transition happened?
Sooo...was Lora right there for the explanation they gave to Trixie and Starlight? Does she now realize they weren't wolves to begin with?
11383280
I was really tired when I wrote this. I’ll fix it later.
Thansk for the update I'm glad to see that both Starlight and Trixie have arrived in this world. It will be interesting to see how pack is going to function now because if Starlight and Trixie are too long to hunt dose that mean that they are still on milk or are they in that stages of being weaned of milk. Also I wonder if Twilight will be their mom or if Rainbow dash might take Trixie as her pup as she seem to really like Trixie and Twilight will be Starlights mom. anyway keep up the great work I look for ward to next chapter.
11383463
You’re welcome. Someone in the comments suggested that I make Starlight and Trixie pups. Also, to answer your question, Starlight and Trixie are too young to join the pack on the hunt, but they’re old enough to be weaned off milk. Twilight, being the alpha, will more than likely take over the role of their mother. After all, in wolf packs, the pups seen usually belong to the alpha pair.
11383691
Hello thanks for the reply thank you for information about Starlight and Trixie and who will fill the role as the mom. Keep up the great work I look forward to the instalment.
11383695
I won't try to disappoint.
It has been far too long I was getting really worried that there were going to be no more chapters but I am pleased to see that you aec going to continue. I really enjoyed this chapter I hope we are not going to have wait too long for the next one keep up the great work look forward to future installments.
11588127
I’ll try not to disappoint.
great chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter
11588325
I'd like to get it done by tomorrow. If not, then Sunday.
cool chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter
11589301
Sweet!
Thansk again for another great chapter It's noice to see what other packs are in this land and rules that they imply in their packs. Keep up the great work looking forward to next chapter hope we don't have to wait too long for it.
Hmm, pretty sure birds don't pant. (Also don't know if they can get drunk either, but that was pretty funny.)
Interesting progression, with some background building up. Let's see what's next.
11590155
I don't know if birds pant, either. Also, birds can get drunk. There are actual reported cases of birds getting drunk on fermented berries. It's kind of funny.
Keep in mind that periods go inside/before the quotation marks, not outside/after. Other than that, it was a good chapter with a good character revelation.
11590429
Thank you for correcting my grammar. I’ll try to keep this in mind. I’m glad you’ve enjoyed this chapter as well.
Oh boy Sombra here
Oh, what a turning point.
11672395
I don’t know what that means, but thanks, I guess.
11672372
Yep.
What did Spike think of the other ravens? Did they try to recruit him? Does every clan have a raven? And if not, then why didn't any of the other clans notice/mention that Greenpaw clan had their own personal raven?
11672430
By this point, Spike was too smashed off the fermented berries to really interact with the other ravens. It's not that every pack has ravens, it's just that ravens are the ones who gather information about things going on within the kingdom to report. Besides, it's normal for raven to follow wolves around so that they can scavenge their kills.
11672684
I also notice that none of the other clans, aside from Lora's former clan, said anything about the Greenpaws accepting a coyote into their pack. Most wolf packs only have males who are related; very rarely will any males allow in other non-related males, and it would almost always be abandoned or orphaned pups. How would Bane's son accept another adult male already in his pack, since he would be the alpha male, I wonder? And a coyote on top of that?
11673124
Well, Sombra isn't going to be like most wolves. He'd be fine with Bandit as the coyote acknowledges him as alpha. And this would depend on whether or not Twilight chooses him as a mate.
THnaks for the update I was starting to get worried as it has been. It's starting to get intresting I wonder who Twilight is going to pick whoever it is better be good with pups as well keep up the great work I hope we will not have to wait too long for the next instalment.
11673526
You'll see.
Interesting.... will give a read.
11681441
Please do.
11681445
Of course... something to do while on the bus ride to and from work.
11681447
You do that, too?! Well splash glitter on my face and call me Edward Cullen! I do the same thing!
11681719
11681739
I hate the "Twilight Saga" with the combined heat of a thousand exploding neutron stars!
11681861
TWILIGHT!!!!!!!
11681868
Exactly!
Hey, really cool story. I was just revising the chapters of my own story when I was interested to see what stories were actually being suggested under my own, and there yours sparked my interest thanks to its premise. I must say I had a lot of fun reading the whole thing and hope you keep writing. I genuinely hope you continue to write. That being said, I do have some constructive feedback to offer.
One aspect that stood out to me was how effortlessly our six young heroines adapt to their new environment. Given the stark contrast between their original world and the one you've introduced, their seamless transition appears a bit implausible. Take, for instance, Twilight and her companions' unhesitating acceptance of hunting and meat consumption, despite their previously vegan lifestyles. Such a dramatic shift warrants at least some internal conflict or discussion among the characters.
Similarly, Twilight's unquestioning acceptance of her arranged marriage seems incongruent with her character. It almost feels as if she has resigned herself to her fate too easily, as if she's already accepted a permanent life as a wolf in an alien world. You could enhance the credibility of their behavior by altering the circumstances—perhaps by suggesting that a mishap with the magical mirror caused them to lose significant portions of their memories. I'm afraid that for a lot of things, the explanation just looks like this: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AWizardDidIt
Additionally, I noticed a tendency to gloss over character depth. A deeper exploration of their internal thoughts, feelings, desires, and fears could enrich the story considerably. Emotional nuance would make the characters more relatable and their journeys more impactful.
On a related note, you've included numerous elements like the magical mirror other packs or the humans. It's important to ensure these details serve a purpose in the narrative, aligning with the principle of Chekhov's Gun. If an element is introduced, its relevance should become evident as the story progresses.
I hope you find my critique helpful. As I mentioned, I truly enjoyed your story and see great potential in it. I've also left a 'Like' on your work to show my support. Keep writing, and I look forward to your future chapters! I hope I could make you happy with the long comment, I know how much I love such comments.
11687095
Your critique is appreciated. While I'll try to give the characters more nuance, I'd like to say a few things.
One, the reason why the girls are so accepting of their new wolfish instincts is because of the fact they're now wolves. They've become wolves in their minds as well as their bodies. That's why they've accepted their predatory behavior so quickly. Granted, I realize I should've had them talk about that a bit more.
Also, the thing about Twilight "accepting her fate too easily" as you put it, the reason why I put that in is because in a world ruled by animals, there's no guarantee that they'll find a way back to their world. They don't even know if such magic exists in this world. Think of it as making the best of a bad situation. There's another reason for Twilight to accept this: it means there's another wolf she can glean information from about this world. She's being tactical.
Besides, I plan on doing something interesting with this arranged marriage between Twilight and Sombra. I think you'll find it interesting.
It's a good thing that Twilight knew that another wolf was coming; when wolves smell an unfamiliar wolf in their territory, especially near their den, they usually act very aggressive, and a female wolf alone with pups would either run away with the pups or act extremely protective and aggressive.
Thanks for the update I hope we will not have to wait too long for the next chapter. I hope Sombra is okay with pups because he has got to live wires to deal with. I also hope that he meets Twilights approval to be her mate. Keep up the great work
Whoa, I think this either really needs toning down, or the fic to have a T rating. That's just a bit much detail about a bloody rip-and-tear kill.
Twilight and Fluttershy simply knowing which smells are which friends, and which directions they are, from standing still and smelling in a direction doesn't make sense. Smell isn't directional, and correlating smells to individuals requires a past experience. At the very least, for Twilight to know Spike's in a tree above, she would have to move vertically while sniffing, and realize the very unique scent above is his.
Additionally, it's likely that many of their friends have very similar overall scents, so Fluttershy would specifically have to go around sniffing butts to realize the scents are unique. While mammals do produce pheromones that are unique to each individual, these are mostly emitted from the anal glands.
While wolves certainly can run (or at least "trot") for a long time, even beating humans, this is something done for hunting purposes, not simply exploring. It would make more sense if they had stopped at least once to relieve themselves (at which point they would be a bit weirded out by territory marking instinct, most likely, something which could help explain why Lora would think she was trespassing, as she could smell that Rainbow and AJ had marked the area as theirs).
The "alpha" idea is actually a myth caused by research focusing on wolves in captivity (where stranger wolves are forced together, resulting in hostility that yields to harsh dominance and submission as only one breeding pair is allowable). In nature, wolf packs are generally nuclear family units, without harsh dominance and submission, as there's no need to fight over mating. https://www.kpax.com/news/a-wilder-view/a-wilder-view-the-surprising-truth-about-alpha-wolves
Basically, while the actual behavior is mostly fine, the wording used is based on notions that were the result of bad science.
Additionally, Twilight surely would be sniffing Lora's rear area, not just her face. See, mammals, including wolves, emit individual-identifying pheromones is via glands in the anus. While it is true that it's possible that the scents on Lora's face would allow identifying her reliably, this is simply not always the case, and instincts tend towards the better option, which is to be putting the snout fairly close to where the pheromones leak out from.
Oh, and about the narration, at the end, it seems a bit unnecessary to be so...telly about the hunting situation. To be specific, there's the following:
It seems like it could be replaced by a simple few bits of dialog, like Pinkie saying she's hungry, Twilight noting they've gone a long while without food, and Fluttershy pointing out (somewhat morbidly, but possibly also with fascination or even weird excitement given her IDW characterization on the matter) them no longer being herbivores, and now having no choice but to hunt prey.