The Death of my Light - Short Story
The Death of my Light
By: Dranlu
(A short story about Love and Death within Equestria)
A warm greeting…a simple hello…the very act of showing someone that you care can go a long way. Some do not know the magic of friendship…or the warmth of love…..Hopefully in reading this you yourself can have the chance to help save a lost soul, lost in the horror, hate, and darkness that the world often shows today. Hopefully together, we can eliminate sadness from the world and hold hands together and treat one another with respect. If you take one thing away from this story, let it be this – If you see someone crying, being excluded, or being picked on. Lend them a helping hoof, who knows…maybe you’re saving a life. We all have emotions and are all equal. No matter how you look or act we all share some things, we can all feel, we can all love, but worst of all. We can all hurt…..
Now I ask you to please open your hearts and hear the story of a mare who seemed to be missed by the lands love and harmony, I ask please that in her memory that you respect her. Some have called her a coward or monster for what she has done. Not me, I think she was the strongest pony I’ve ever seen in my life. For what she was able to endure throughout the years… we could all learn a lesson from her.
“I write this note through muffled sounds of my own cries and pleas for help. No pony ever helped or cared for me. It seems that the peace and love of Equestria flew over me, like a grey rainbow pouring shades of black down upon me. I feel almost emotionless all the time, the only ones I truly know being sorrow, regret, and depression. This world full of butterflies and daisies never wanted me. Just because I looked different and acted different, no pony would talk to me. All of this though I could have handled, but what followed made me make my final and most important decision.”
“It was my final year of magic school; soon I would be finished and be able to leave the hellish place. I call it a hellish place of course because of all the bad things that have happened to me throughout the years. In my time there I was called names, beaten, and pushed around by all the other mares almost every day. I still recall the worst day of all though, I was heading to my morning classes ready to learn for the day, when suddenly I was tripped. I fell hard against the floor, landing on my face. It hurt really bad…but the physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional pain that day. I got up and looked to see a group of stallions and mares surrounding me and laughing. One of the mares called me some names and kicked me hard against the locker, after doing so she proceeded to tell me that I was the ugliest creature in Equestria and that I would never amount to anything. She spit in my face and kicked me again, the group behind her did nothing but nod and laugh….they did nothing…. This broke me. I realized something that day….I was the weak one…..The silent one…….The useless one. I finally realized that I didn’t matter, I was only taking space where somepony better than me could be so again…this helped me reach my final decision.”
“I only wish that I could’ve tasted love once…. I just wished that there was somepony out there who could’ve saved me from this dark desolate realm of loneliness. But alas no pony was there, it was just me verses the world…I’m too weak to go on alone any longer….that’s why after magic school tomorrow…..I’m going to take the cowards way out, I plan to take my own life and rid this wonderful place of my awful presence.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Today was awful, just like all the others. The day was bright and warm, but it did nothing to warm my darkened dead heart. I feel like Mother Nature herself was delighted with the news that I was going to take my own life, she made the day nice and enjoyable for everypony else. Just like any other day, they would be able to have fun and play with their friends, while I rot away in the dark…well the withering of this soul is going to end soon enough…for I hold this knife in my hand and raise it high into the air!”
“The pain is only the beginning....it hurts so much…. the blood is spilling from my wrists like tears of crimson regret, corrupting and damning the floor under me…before my life spills out before me I carve this half heart into my chest…signifying that no pony was there to mend or complete it…. I’m walking towards the noose I have affixed to my ceiling; I walk to my death….goodbye everypony.”
“To the one who finds this note, Thank you. You are the closest thing I have ever had to a friend.”
Sincerely, Rose Light
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello my name is Dranlu; I’m a unicorn from Canterlot. Yesterday was just like any other day, I got up and went to school…but yesterday was going to be special, I was going to confess my love for a mare named Rose Light. Every other pony in my school picked on her or treated her like trash…they thought she was ugly….I didn’t think that, to me she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I liked her ever since we were young, I was just always too shy to say anything and I was afraid what the others would say if they saw me with her….I regret everything…if I could’ve been there earlier maybe none of this would’ve happened…but it’s too late now. I suppose I should explain what I mean by this before…..ok, but I’m going to make this quick, I don’t want to waste your time.”
“Today at school I was gazing upon the beautiful mare named Rose Light. She had medium length black hair cut in a gothic style. Her coat was pure white, like that of gorgeous snow fall. She was quite as usual, but today I thought she looked alive and energetic but…I was horribly wrong. After school today I was planning on stopping by her house to attest my love to her. I had no idea that I was going to run into the most horrific site in my life, a site worse than murder….I literally felt part of myself die…half of me was dead…at first I was sad...then I was furious… but it’s clear to me what I should do now.”
“After school was finished for the day I decided to wait about 2 hours and let her unwind from the busy day. I eventually started my walk towards her house; I knew where she lived because every day on my walk home I would see her go into the same house. I bought her a wonderful bouquet of red roses; they were beautiful just like her. “
“I eventually made my way to her house, my heart was beating fast as knocked on the door, something was wrong though…because when I knocked on the door, it opened right up. It wasn’t locked or even closed for that matter. I figured something was wrong so I cautiously walked in calling Roses name.”
“A few more steps into her home I saw the very image of horror itself hanging in front of my face. There in front of me hung the lifeless body of the mare I loved. I was in such shock at what I saw…Roses body hung there dead….Her perfect white coat was tarnished with deep shades of dried red blood. It was like somepony destroyed a masterpiece. On her chest there was carved half heart, under her was an almost dry but still slightly moist pool of blood. She had deep slash wounds down her arms, she meant for there to be no hope that she would survive. The worst of all though was the look on her face, she was crying at the time of her death. The mascara she had around her eyes gave that away, it was running down her face like she had been walking through the rain storm…..A rain storm of sorrow and pain.”
“Nothing I can do will bring you back now Rose... I’m so sorry…if only I was sooner…if only I was brave enough to confess my love for you sooner…you might still be here today…with me….”
“What am I to do now? Should I take vengeance on the ones who made you do this? Should expose them for the monsters they truly are? You were the one glimmer of light I had Rose…and now you’re gone.”
“As I stare at your lifeless body I wonder and read your final words…maybe if we couldn’t be together in this life….perhaps we could be together in the next? We could mend each other’s fractured hearts…I love you Rose.”
“I LOVE YOU ROSE! Now I only wish to be with you, no matter where or how! I will be with you! Now that I have made my decision of what to do I pick up the blood soaked knife, the instrument of peace through death to my love. I pick it up and carve the other half of your broken heart into my chest and slit my own wrists. My blood will pool and happily dance with your already spilled sorrow in an attempt to blanket you with my affection, I only want you to feel warm and loved Rose, I hope I find you in the next life.”
“I love you Rose, I will do ANYTHING to be with you. “
With unrivaled love, Dranlu
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Princess Celestia watched as Twilight slowly read to the two pieces of parchment in front of her. She waited patiently as the purple unicorn studied every word; she took in everything the notes had to say. She had tears forming in her eyes as she finished reading them.
“Princess…those notes had to be the saddest piece of fiction I have ever read…that’s terrible…the way the others treated that poor mare….and for no good reason….so what if she looked or even acted different than everypony else? That doesn’t give them reason to single her out and pick on her! Especially to the point of suicide!”
“That poor stallion too…he truly loved her, but he never got a chance to announce it to her...he was so close too, if only he had been a fraction of time earlier the two of them could’ve lived on happy in one another’s arms for the rest of their lives. Princess, who is the author of that? Did you want me to pre read it or something?”
Princess Celestia casually walked over to Twilight and with her magic rolled up the 2 pieces of parchment. She then levitated them into an ornate scroll box adorned with 2 pegasi with their wings out holding up a heart and kissing one another. She closed the box and looked to Twilight with a serious look on her face, but Twilight could tell that she herself was holding back tears.
“Twilight…That story you read…it wasn’t a work of fiction at all. It actually happened a few years back; right here in Canterlots very own magic school. As the ruler of Equestria…when I got the news of what happened…I felt like it was my fault. I should’ve watched everypony at the school closer… if I did I would've noticed that Rose was being picked on every day I would’ve done something...ANYTHING to help her. But I didn’t know….and because of my mistake two perfectly innocent loving ponies died.”
The princess was starting to lose the fight between herself and the tears; they started to fall as she tried to speak. She was cut off by Twilight.
“Princess, it wasn’t your fault you have so many responsibilities.” She put her hoof on the princess shoulder. “It would be impossible for you to watch everypony in equestria. I understand that this was a horrible tragedy that happened, but Princess you can’t blame yourself.”
Twilights eyes now started to swell with tears too, the Princess saw this and pulled herself together the best she could. She cleared her throat and prepared to talk more on the subject at hand.
“I can’t help but blame myself Twilight, I know I can’t watch over every one of my subjects but know this….Whenever one of them gets injured or dies, it makes me feel very sad. I love everypony in Equestria”, The princess stared at the scroll box containing the 2 parchments. “So you can imagine how I felt when 2 of my subjects killed themselves. One because of how she was treated and the other for his love. Naturally I follow the code of love and harmony, but after that incident I made it my personal endeavors to spread it throughout Equestria so another tragic event such as this never happens again.”
Twilight could feel the sad emotions coming off the princess like currents of wind in the middle of an empty ocean, no matter what was said, the princess was always going to take blame for what happened that day. Twilight didn’t know what to say next, she wanted to help the Princess with her problem but she didn’t know what she could possibly do. She was about to ask when Celestia started to speak again.
“They were so young; they had so much of their lives ahead of them. Now they won’t know the joys of growing up…the sweet embrace of love…the pride in raising a family…all thrown away because of the acts of others negative influence. It pains me to think that something like this could still evade me and happen again…”
Twilight saw the princess pause in what she was saying and took it as a chance to speak herself,
“Princess…if there is anything I can do, anything at all just let me know. I want to help you and I for one don’t want something as awful as that to happen again.”
Princess Celestia smiled a bit as she stared at the scroll box. “Twilight, you have already helped me more than anypony could have. I put you on a special mission to study the magic of friendship. In doing so it gives me a better understanding of how emotion works. Through that research I am able to make changes around Equestria to make everypony happy. All I ask Twilight is that you continue your studies on friendship.”
Twilight smiled as she approached the Princess for a hug. The Princess accepted her comfort and hugged her. When they finished Princess Celestia motioned for Twilight to put her hoof on the scroll box. She did and then stared at the princess.
“Twilight, I want you to swear to Dranlu and Rose that you will never forget them and that you will do everything in your power to spread love and harmony throughout equestria.”
Twilight nodded, “I swear it Princess I will do my best.”
Princess Celestia smiled, “I know I can count on you Twilight, Thank you.”
Twilight and Celestia looked out the window of Celestia’s throne room, it was raining something fierce. The tale of Dranlu and Rose seemed to even make the heavens cry. Celestia offered Twilight a place to stay for the night, she happily obliged and the two of them sat close to the fireplace. Not a word was said between them, but they both knew what each other was thinking-
“Rest in peace Rose and Dranlu, you will never be forgotten.”
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This needs to be no longer.
This needs to be no shorter.
I can't find many flaws in this besides the occasional punctuation and gramar error, and even these are few.
This is a great story.
Not bad of sad reading, have a thumbs up!
This... will be affecting my dreams tonight.
I.......I can't even form words about this. I......thank you......thank you so much.
Well. That's was depressing.
Thanks for the story! Liked, you deserve it.
I like the idea. The idea is actually unique to a degree. There were a few issues though. This is merely a critique, nothing more.
The first issue is P.O.V. The first two paragraphs are spoken by...who? Are they an author insert? Celestia recapping something to Twi? Did Rose or Dranlu learn Astral Projection? Is it the annoying 50's Narrator voice? A little clarification here will help the flow of your story, and will help the second issue I noticed in the character of Rose.
Basically, Rose has a slightly Winona Ryder feel from Beetlejuice, but is mostly cliche This, perhaps, could have flushed out more. She feels very stereotypical of Goths/Emos at that stage in their life without that spark of individuality to make the character memorable. The limited constraints of a small fic makes it a difficult thing.
I think the second paragraph could have been a nice jumping off point to explore her character. For example, with some edits for grammar:
It felt like the paragraph could be broken up for ease of reading. Some added emphasis such as italics and placement of words could help make this feel more like a letter.
The sentences were broken up for ease of use. Long ones are good for stringing together descriptors or to help the pacing of events. Shorter ones, with more "powerful" words (wounds, etc) help to put emphasis on feeling. At least I'm a believer of such.
There were too many "..." to really flow well. Spot usage adds a great impact, but too many in a row makes it lose that point you're getting across.
Granted there was some turbulence in the letter, but Rose decided to really go through with it, so there was no reason for a stream of thought there for that long. A nice place was where it was indicated, to really add meaning to her feelings of uselessness.
The choice of Rose being a goth is interesting, but not much out of the ordinary for how people view them. Have you considered look at her from a different perspective? A normal pony that can't relate to her world and, in her mind, never will? Just a thought.
Dranlu (the character) was a bit too Emo for my taste, with too much of a sudden Romeo archetype to really make that binding impact. A brief history would help more here for people to understand that love he felt. People are suckers for events and places. Granted, this is difficult in the confines of a letter during a traumatic event, but still more has to be there.
With all that out of the way, you did well overall with the idea, the execution, and some of the emotional pull. Suicide is ever a touchy thing, and I believe you handled it with tact.
Overall, a good piece that could have more impact. Good job.
Stealth edit for clarification.
While not the saddest, this has enough sadness and feel in it to make me touched by the story.
Not even the rare mistake disrupted the feel - well done to you. Sad yet beautiful
This is for sure a well writen story aldo some minor mistakes like:
"I hold this knife in my hand and raise it high into the air!”
but this story was pretty touching
This is one of the more depressing stories that i have read
also i think it is fine just the way it is
Emo story is Emo.
1314853 prowebsurfer.com/public/toolbar/content/images/0/0/0/3/2/0003231/1784/go%20cry%20emo%20kid.jpg
1315068
Ex-ACTLY
I can't say we need more like it, but this story is one that should be read, because it shows us that it's not all cake, butterflies, rainbows and cider.
Not even close.
1315077 Now, me myself, I love a good emo story. It helps keep things real for me. Unless they pull it off terribly. Then it's always good for a laugh. That said, I'll read this fic now.
Awww.... That's so sad
I used to be like that. I was always excluded, and emo and maybe even..... I don't wanna go there. but this story tells the truth. Being kind to someone can save a life <3
1315068 As i've stated on my deviant art account (Should probably say it here) I'm not an emo kid- Im a happy metal head XD
In fact when i was writing this story I was talking to my friends smiling and laughing while writing it. Of course by the time I finished writing the story i did get some feels, it is sad story or at least its intended to be.
This story does invoke emotion, though the point I was trying to get across is this: Everypony should love and tolerate one another, not discriminate just because someone is different.
Hm...the problem with this story, is, well...it's been done. (A similar story was in "Big Wolf on Campus" fanfics, actually)
Within the sub-genre, it's a good one. Just...it's a very specific subgenre. Anvilicious story on things that lead to suicide. Not a bad one, I gave it a thumbs-up.
Still, I'm curious. What inspired writing this?
1316395 Thank you for reading and for the thumbs up, yes there are many stories like this. I can relate to Romeo and Juliet myself.
I was inspired to write this from a few things. I just started college about 3 weeks ago, we had a big seminar on how we should treat and respect each other. I took the seminar to heart and so did most of the students there. Back went when i was in Highschool we had a suicide prevention speaker, he had a lot of stuff to say, but one thing in particular caught my attention. He told a story about a kid who was being picked on everyday at school, he was called a nerd, beaten up, and he didn't have any friends - much like Rose in my story. Well this kid was tired of it, he was on his way home carrying a bunch of books when some kids came up and knocked him and all of his books over. (There was another speaker during this program too) - he was the one who saw this happen, he swallowed his pride and helped the kids, fighting off the bullies, helped the kid pick his books up, and even offered to help with his homework.
The kids eventually became friends and some years passed by. They were now seniors ready to graduate, the school was holding a contest for who had the best story throughout the years of Highschool. The kid who was being bullied stepped up to the microphone and began to speak this is what he had to say, "I remember...3 years ago i was walking home. I was sick and tired of everyone treating me so horribly....I got knocked over and beaten up like usual. But then (Lets say his name was Joe) Joe came to help me. he did so much more than offer me help and friendship. He saved my life. That night I was going to take my fathers revolver and kill myself, I had nothing to live for until Joe showed me that i was worth something."
The speakers ended up being the 2 kids they were talking about in the story. Which leads me to my story, My story uses the ideas from this story EXCEPT the hero (Dranlu) was just a little late.
sorry if this is a lot to read - but that was how i came up with this story.
This one was waayyy to close to home. I had a horrible youth at school. It was hell and I remember so many times grabbing my fathers pistol from his drawer.............lucky for me (and possibly my tormentors) I was to scared to actually use it....or use it on myself.......some may call it cowardice....but I would contest that it has made me stronger to be able to forgive those who have wronged me, and to know every day when I look into the eyes of my son and my wife that my life is worth living. I am also in a unique position to teach my son how bullying can destroy lives, as well as to teach him not to be a victim.
Kudos on the fic.....It is far more powerful than you can imagine......it touched a nerve here.
wow that is sad have a spikestache
1315448 I haven't read the story yet, I was making a response to someone who thought your story was emo
I should probably go and read this fic now. It looks to be very promising.
In my opinion, they were both utter morons. Nevertheless, a very good read. They're were a little too many ellipses, commas could have worked for most of them, but apart from that, a pretty good story on the whole.
*AHEM*
Now that I've read this, let me put some things in:
As a school shooting surviver and a victim of bullying, mental and physical, since the age of 8, i had higher hopes for this. You needed more foreshadowing, needed to take it closer... you had too little inform to make me really FEEL for them. i was teased in a very similer way to Rose. it fucked me up so much i had to make my own friends in my head, and now i have a multiple personality disorder. The thing with Rose and Dranlu is that you didn't devolpe them enough.
However, it was a fun little read, and
i.qkme.me/36ad3a.jpg
1316579
Ah. Heard that story too. It was in Chicken Soup for the soul...huh. Though, some details were altered I think. *nods* I can't say I liked this story, or necessarially found it meaningful...but only because I'm not the target audience. I try to live my life by 'not bullying people/being the person to help'.
That was... depressing
You know....Rose's story was lovely in how tragic it was, but Dranlu really chose the wrong way to go down. He should've lived to tell her tale and assist in promoting a more understanding, harmonious Equestria with all the fervor that caused him to commit suicide in hopes of being with Rose in the afterlife.
Aside from that, I liked it. The letters left by Rose and Dranlu were kinda cheesy to read, especially Dranlu's confessions of love in all of their intensely purple proseness, but the whole story overall was very well-written.
Please, do make more!
1319506 Thank you, This was the first short story i've ever written. I've been getting a lot of positive feedback on it and I will be writing more in the near future
1313831 Thanks for the comment, I'm Glad you enjoyed the story.
1320048
I'm still in school and I suffer this everyday, but nobody except my friends seems to realize what I'm feeling/what I could do, so this was like watching what could happen in my life if I chose death.
I absolutely loved every second of reading this story. Manly (can a female shed manly tears? They weren't girly ones..) tears were shed.
Great story. Depressing, but good. It hits one of the less talked about subjescts (in real life) and is well written. Defintely deserves a thumbs-up. Nice job.
A depressing story, but very well written. The story doesn't need to be any longer or any shorter then it already is. This feels like the first genuine thumbs up I've given today.
1329244 Yes they can ^.^ *hugs*
Thanks for reading, i'm gad you enjoyed it.
Dear Dranlu,
Your story got to me.
So much that I felt compelled to not only comment, but to try to compile my thoughts on it in an effort to provide you with a bit of feedback that you might be able to use as constructive criticism to improve your writing.
The great idea of using two suicide notes to tell part of the story falters a bit when those notes didn't feel like they were written by ponies about to end their own lives, or like suicide notes at all. They felt more like just a different point of view for the author to tell the story from.
You should have written them exclusively as suicide notes, and left anything that didn't fit out of it.
The dialogue between Twilight and Celestia doesn't feel natural or flowing. It felt more like they were reading from a script, and also desperately trying to convey all the details the author had thought up.
Don't be afraid to omit details that aren't absolutely necessary for the story, or letting the reader reach conclusions of her own. There is no need to write the reader on the nose what to think or feel, or which conclusions to draw.
For example, you could have had Celestias response to Twilights question ("These are fictional... right?") be non-verbal (Celestia's silence spoke volumes) and perhaps achieved a greater impact on the reader.
As for direct mistakes, there were a few such as "verses" instead of "versus", "site" instead of "sight" and "quite" instead of "quiet", but nothing to make the story unreadable. Save perhaps for the misuse of dotting.
You overused it here quite a bit, but that is more of a stylistic aspect. More importantly A) there should always be a space after the dots, and B) there should be three dots, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt dot, and the number of the dotting shall be three. Four shalt thou not dot, neither dottest thou two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out.
Also, you invoked one of my pet peeves: Digits In Text.
This should be avoided at all costs. The number of cases where digits in the text would be a good idea are ridiculously low. For the love of Equestria spell it out. It should be "two scrolls" and "two ponies", NOT "2 scrolls" or "2 ponies"!
Please, no! Don't! I beg of you.
By now you might have gotten the idea that I thought your story to be crap. Far from it!
The idea behind it is absolutely brilliant! The subject and situation well handled.
I believe you will develop into a great writer over time. I will therefor be watching you.
One thing I did not like or understand: The strange notion of suicide being "the cowards way out."
To make the decision to end your own life, to take control of your destiny, to become the master of your own fate. That takes guts. That is deserving of respect and nothing I would associate with cowardice.
Another thing I didn't like, but shows what an impact the story had on me, is the thought it put in my head: What if there is a female in a similar situation to Rose Light's out there somewhere, whose suffering I could soothe by simply being hers, like your alter ego could have done in this story?
Now that is a disturbing thought.
I see you have changed Dranlu beating Rose toward the end of the story :p Anyway, second read,
and it's still a love c:
Damn, I have a thing for suicide fics. You should type more :D
And sorry, I need to ask, is this based on a true story? :o
1480913
Amazing! Any sad/deppresing/suicide fic I'll always give a read :)
would you mind sending me your life story when it's done please?
So while I was reading this fic it made me really sad. Now this is just a suggestion but perhaps you could have a follow up chapter that takes place in an alternate universe were perhaps Dranlu does make it and time and saves Rose Light. Perhaps in this alternate universe Dranlu speaks up during the bullying scene.
However this is only a suggestion.
5586111
I like the suggestion, not the first time somebody has suggested something like this with one of my stories.
I'll think on it. Why not give these two poor pones some happiness in their lives?
This is heart-wrenching. I Felt my heart drop. Be proud of this beautiful masterpiece.