- Member Since 28th Apr, 2022
- offline last seen Last Tuesday
Breathtaking Carnality
[Muggonny's Alt] Yeah, and?
Breathtaking Carnality
Joined 28th Apr, 2022 ·
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Putting a disclaimer here because this is getting annoying: if you're here to downvote the story because it's non-con, please leave. I put effort into writing this, and I'd like to promote it easily without someone imposing their morals. In no way is this reflective of my real-world beliefs; its fantasy for a reason. If you downvote the story because you don't like it, I'd prefer if you say why. I handle criticism well.
Also, to the owner of the red convertible, your car is parked over two spaces. Please move it.
Loved the characterization here, especially seeing her cocky nature put up against her awful circumstances. The fight scenes were surprising and intense too.
10/10 action, 11/10 rape.
11427574
That's not going to stop the downvotes. Nothing ever does.
11427724
I know. That comment was mostly written out of frustration because I'd like to be able to promote my work without other people getting in the way. It seems to be picking up, at least!
11427715
Coming up with her personality was my favorite part of writing this. I almost forgot that I was writing clop because of it.
11427574
I understand the people that downvoted this story. This is the kind of 'well-written-ness', both within the genre of clop and in general that makes you wonder why even bother mashing the keyboard and trying to piece a story into being when this is sitting right here. The truth is that this site is filled with talented people that make it seem easy. In reality, for some the clop sticks, (specially this kind of clop) and for others, it just doesn't. And when it doesn't, a petty downvote is all that they can do to dim the hurt.
Well, I don't do petty downvoting. I just cry into my pillow, asking "Why?! WHY?!" and delay my stories. So, if anyone wanted to read Kiss of The Raptor Queen, you're gonna have to wait another month until I stop feeling ashamed of it, and yet another month until I get the confidence back to stop trying to fix it and convince myself it's worthy of posting. It's this guy's fault. Blame him!
Joking aside, normal people don't bash action movies because they like comedy better. They just don't watch action movies. It's the anonymity of the downvotes. And then there are the clowns that make up shelves called "The worst clopfics ever", brigade, or straight up report stories. Sure, this doesn't hurt you, it just annoys you. But a less fortunate story from a less experienced, or talented writer getting this treatment is going to discourage them from trying to improve.
Maybe I shouldn't comment on this, but this disclaimer brought some thoughts back up in my head that really grind my gears. It makes me wonder how many stories within 'the genre' got downvoted and deserved to sit exactly at 0 downvotes. Well, they can seethe watching it stay featured with yet another upvote and another favorite.
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Interestingly enough, after you commented it disappeared the feature box and isn't showing up in the popular box (for some reason) XD.
May I ask, what did you think of it?
11428855
I was looking for things to criticize and it was hard finding them. I think I avoided spoilers, but if I screwed up, I'll mark them.
- Looking at the first scene, the meeting, I would have liked some more atmosphere and scenery, but what we got fit the bill for the story.
I like how much I disliked Gavra. You did good on her personality and, most importantly putting it in display. Now, I don't say this as a reader following the story with some foreknowledge of what will happen to her. I don't know if it was the intention that I disliked her. I put myself in the place of the characters she's working with, and I wouldn't want to be her partner.
The two support characters get the job done, if they are a bit stereotypical. Which is not really a problem because they fulfill their roles.
We have some soft descriptions of Gavra being show-offy that fit the bill for the scene. If the scene was on Girder's POV, I would have liked to seem more vivid descriptions of her 'assets'.
- Next is the first infiltration scene. Overall, it is a good segment into the more frantic action.
This is a very petty nitpick, but the weapons in the universe are informed by Fallout, and I don't know what that mare is doing at the top of a watchtower with a riot shotgun. But those ponies didn't seem particularly bright anyway.
I really like Gavra's attitude and playfulness. They really mesh into the character I was led to believe she follows. The action when she's taking down the guards at the towers came off as competently written. Not too much detail, just enough that I know what she did and could fill in the blanks.
But in the following scene, when Gavra notices the slave mare has showing ribs, I'd expect her to see the mare's color. These are very colorful characters and color shows up a lot in the show, even if it could get in the way of the action, a quick description would've given a little more life to the scene. Still, not that it was lacking, I noticed it could be there if you wanted.
I think you put Gavra's dialogue in the same paragraph as that of the slave. The third paragraph.
Also, Slim Jim? Lol
There is a bit too much action happening inside a slave pen that I feel like someone would have noticed. But... Eh... I don't know the layout, the readiness level, so I may be spewing bullshit, and I like the dark humor at the end of the scene.
The fighting scene next is competent too. Although I would have liked some atmosphere in it too. Although by the time the scene is about to wrap up, I already know what is going to happen. Maybe getting it over is best. The description you did for Kestrel, along with Gavra's snark is what I would have like to see on the other characters she interacted with before.
The chapter closes and it is a good wrap up and a set up for the next chapter.
The back-and-forth dialogue and the short scene where they drag her around work well to setup the buildup into the sex scene and the added tension of her wondering why Ridge didn't shoot already added some good tension.
Something the story did remarkably well was portray Gavra's feelings while they were teasing/threatening her.
Now, this is a pet peeve of mine, and this is an unpopular opinion, so disregard me at will. Blowjobs and fingering with griffons, IMHO, need careful descriptions. Griffons have beaks and they are not soft like lips. I prefer it when the descriptions add griffons being careful with that, using their own 'techniques' to get around that difficulty. So... Yeah... I wouldn't be slamming my dick inside a griffon's mouth. And not in the sense that she might bite. But that is me and my weird pet peeves.
Other than that, the forced blowjob scene was on point. They often drag on too much or end too soon, but not this time.
I mean... Mind screaming no, and body screaming yes is that kind of cliché that is expected and would leave a non-con scene empty without. Special note to the unicorn deciding he was being too nice on her.
The formula for the rape scene and her comeuppance feels very similar to behind Enemy Lines, but this is not necessarily a bad thing. It's a similar situation, after all.
With all that I've said, why do I think this story deserves an upvote and a favorite? It deserves an upvote because the author knew what they were doing and did it effectively. It caused me emotions as I read it and those were adequate to the scenes. Including Gavra's morbid humor and her change in disposition. It is a good story, inclusively within the genre. It deserves a favorite because it is the kind of story that rises to something more than the sum of its parts. I've read fighting scenes where the action is more brutal and detailed. I've seen rape scene where the character's dread and horror truly jump at the reader and the visceral porn almost drips out of the screen. But each story is different and in the end, they need to be balanced more than stand out too much in one way or another. There is synergy between characters, descriptions and actions and it is mostly because the main character is so well fleshed out and explored (....). When it's meant to by funny, it is funny. When it is meant to be tense, it is tense. And when it is meant to be sexy, it is including a proper development of the sex scene and all that surrounds the action, from Gavra's (at time conflicted) feelings to enticing descriptions.
I give this 10 spent griffon ladies/10.
11429703
Nah, it was intentional, hence otherwise she wouldn't have killed the slaves without remorse. She would have just been another silver-tongued anti-hero for the Wasteland, and while that would have still made for a fun read I also wanted the prereader to have some resentment for her so they'd feel less bad when the scene arrived. In some ways, I still wanted to make her likable, but not in a moral sense. Her perspective is as skewed as Kestral's.
I might just add it in. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I'll just treat this as a happy accident...
I understand this pet peeve, and in a story not porn I would focus on that minor deet, but sometimes you have to let a few minor contrivances slip through to tell an interesting story. Especially if that story is spicy.
I noticed that while I was writing this too, but I decided it wasn't that big of an issue since it was far more character-focused than Behind Enemy Lines. Besides, that fic was just me dipping my toe into the waters of clop fiction.
Hey, thanks for the kind words! I'd like to write more adventures of Gavra (although I say that about most of my works; in this case, I'm considering an extended chapter), although I'd like to get the permission from the original creator of the OC first. The fic was already 99% complete by the time I found out it was theirs. If not, then I can try creating a character in the same vein as her.
Glad you had a good time!
That coverart workaround is the funniest shit I've fucking seen on this site so far.
And this makes number three. You quite literally have three non-con that is in my top five.
11437362
Hey, glad I could make it! What are the other fics on that list?
11437697
That's easy. Stealing harmony,Fluttershy Unfiltered, Pool's Closed, Always Plan Ahead,Behind Enemy Lines. But there's one thing that takes my zero spot.
This was very well done. I liked the character development for chapter 1 that gave extra context and value for the smut in chapter 2. Before you mentioned the column of black smoke blocking Girder's view, I had some sneaking suspicions you were gonna go a voyeur/betrayal route and reveal at the end a deal was made to let Kestral get away and sacrifice Gavra's body to his goons in the process while Girder watched through the scope with a smirk as one of his most insubordinate underling mercs got the ultimate comeuppance for her cocky, careless attitude that'd caused too many problems in the past for the group he led.
Perhaps this take was just influenced by one of my own stories, but I still enjoyed the route you took nonetheless. I'm a massive sucker for collaborative noncon in my smutfic preferences, be it a girl outnumbered and groped or a girl full-on gangraped, and I really liked the detail and pacing you applied to the meat and potatoes of chapter 2.
Don't let the impulse-downvotes bother you. It's something any clopfic depicting any type of specific fetish (such as noncon) is subjected to and never accurately reflects the quality of the story itself. For those who actually enjoy this kind of NSFW content though, I assure you that you did a great job, and I do look forward to any sort of alternate endings to this if you do decide to write any.
This is right up there with Behind Enemy Lines from you, imo... except I feel like this might be a little bit better written overall. It's pretty hard to go wrong with a 'pretty girl X dangerous bad boy(s)' setting for fantasy smut, and from how you wrote both of these stories, it seems you understand the foundations of this appeal pretty well, hence why I feel your stuff floats up to the surface through the murk and filler and mediocre hyper-fetish-pandering lower-tier clopfics that usually get dumped onto this site and promptly ignored/majority-downvoted.
Keep writing, you filthy degenerate!
11438732
You were close. In the original ending, it would have been revealed that Girder had been watching the entire time waiting to intercept in case Kestral's gang got bored of her. He decided to let Gavra have her fun, but when he saw what he was going on he decided to use the opportunity as a lesson. Although, there would have been no moral justification on his part. The scene where Gavra punches him in the face was originally because of what he did. One of my pre-readers pointed out that readers might not respond well to that ending since there wasn't a lot of set-up for it, so I could either go back and sprinkle in a few additional scenes that set it up -- which would have taken a lot of work -- or I could rewrite it to where Girder can't see what's going on because of the destruction Gavra caused. I thought the latter worked better because it feels like a stab in the chest when she realizes that she's in this situation due to her cockiness. After all of that, a portion of the rewritten so that she wasn't in control of her motions since she was traumatized and still in flight or fight mode.
I want to write an extended version of chapter 2, although it feels like I want to write a bonus chapter for all of my stories. I'm working on a new fic rn, and I'm already thinking about a prequel to that fic.
Ngl, I think most of my understanding of how to write non-con comes from my niche for fantasy ecchi, at least in relation to their premises. I've even considered writing an adventure fic in the same vein as the genre, although that would be multichapter, and I'm already struggling to write a story on my main account.
Hey, glad you like my stuff! I'd really like to write more sometime. I hope to have my fifth story out by the end of the year.