I write stories and make my own images which aren't currently published anywhere else.
I just wanted to earn a few bits for my parents, they're always so busy. They didn't want me to earn any money for them, and I might be in trouble now because of that.
This story is for the New Blood Contest. It technically qualifies for bonuses 1-4, however, the main two bonuses chosen are 1 "From the beginning, you know the end.." and 4 "The main character’s name and identity is never mentioned."
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Ending on a cliffhanger, uh? Good slice of life though.
11627732
Thank you!
Short, sweet, to the point. I'm not sure I quite knew the end from the beginning, but the character's identity is very much clear from just what happens.
11629099
I'm happy to hear that you were able to figure it out!
lol, nothing like a little bit of underage drinking to get your cutiemark
This was a fun little slice of life, piecing together who the MC is as the story goes.
11666767
Glad you enjoyed it!
Here's your New Blood Contest feedback!
I think the prevailing judgement of this story would be 'endearing but unfinished'. There are some good moments in here that, nevertheless, failed to achieve their full effect simply because the rest didn't satisfy.
Some technical concerns include clumsy repetition, confusing turns of phrase, and a general lack of refinement. For a few examples:
"[she] didn't ask me to help" is said twice. Repetition can be done intentionally for effect, but I get no such impression.
"I wasn't sure if I could even smash all the grapes" is weak, technically and emotionally. Better to stick with something fundamental - the great size of the tub, the imposing scale of the task, the character's lack of experience - and put this in plain terms.
One of the better parts of the story is also one of the worst or least satisfying: when the protagonist does what the title says and squashes grapes. This is a great opportunity to show the protagonist experiencing new and weird things, and accomplishing a task they were worried about - but instead it is practically skipped right past! She finishes the entire tub of grapes in one moderate-length paragraph! What???
On a similar note, the best part of the story remains what I observed when I first read & judged it: wine feeling like a punch in the tongue. And the focus on a foal getting their cutie mark is what earns that 'endearing' comment earlier.
However, it also has the same problem I observed when I first read & judged it: this great moment is given far too little time.
That's a short description of the whole story, really: It moves too fast, especially through some important moments, and ends too abruptly. And as for the contest bonuses, while they were technically fulfilled ("the best kind of fulfilled", you might say), they did not seem to impact the story much beyond contorting its structure.
Overall lots of unfinished thoughts that could have been expanded on, better integrated, or dropped - and that's a shame, because I can see the great story this could have been.
However, it would have been nothing at all if you hadn't spent the time to write it in the first place, and for that I thank you - and I hope to see more of your writing in the future!
11747144
The first instance was done on purpose, yes. Also, about the title being written in a paragraph, it is a title that implies what the main character was going to do in the first place. Whilst also not showing the more important parts that are revealed about who the character may be, and how they earn this cutie mark.
Thank you for reviewing my story! It shows where I clearly need to improve my writing skills! I will work on trying to make my stories show more in their entirety, and have more emotion built into them. That is one of the major things I struggle with in general, writing and feeling certain emotions. Again, thank you for showing me what I need to work on to make better stories!