Two Ancient Nutjobs: The Tea-room Debacle

by LunarReaper

Twilight Wants to Go Home.

Relief turns to confusion. Happiness to sadness until finally realisation dawns in Celestia's eyes. Luna doesn't have time to dodge the rapturous headbutt that follows, a headbutt that rattles her skull as her sister flares her wings and stands. She does manage to avoid the thrown hoof, which rockets into the remade skull and once again gallaghers it across the room.

"Worthless savage northerner heathen dog!" Her sister snarls as she advances on the shorter mare, "You even still have that filthy accent" Luna hops over a poorly thrown leg sweep and thanks the gods that her sister is too enraged to remember her magical might (a might that exceeds her own).

"That's because what I built still exists..." That is a lie and Luna knows it. The two of them had sunk the isles (if only by accident) and the only thing that survived beyond the couple hundred the two could teleport out was a culture that saw her as a goddess (a goddess that she is, even if her sister likes to pretend they are not).

The striking and dodging continue's without any real major blows being landed. Sure there are a few deflections but Luna always was the better physical fighter when it comes to matters of dodging and technique. Celestia was always the better one at stoving in heads and smashing in walls. She would often use a mixture of brute force and magic, wanting to get the task over with as quickly as possible. In the past, it was because she was lazy but in this new world it is simply a matter of fatigue. The mare that once was hailed as a God of War didn't have the fight or the endurance in her at the moment. It would be a sad sight to see if Luna wasn't currently dodging blows that could take a mortal head clean off still (and to her chagrin had already reduced their project to mush).

Calling it a fight would be an insult to both of them. This was merely a minor scuffle, a disagreement if you would believe it. And it comes to an end with neither party achieving their goal. That being that Celestia hadn't collapsed from over-exertion and that Luna wasn't lying spark out on the floor with a hoof print on her face. The fall of the two godlings comes down to an entirely mundane (if slightly morbid) thing. The mixture of a varnished wood floor, a pool of stale blood and a small globule of brain matter.

Luna can barely comprehend the moment she ends up on her back only that Celestia seemed to roar in triumph before meeting a similar fate. The two stare at one another from their positions on the floor before taking in the mess around them. "Truce?" They grumble in unison before rolling their eyes and snorting. Also in unison.

"That got heated rather quickly." Celestia huffs as she wiggles her horn out from the side of the couch (It would get patched quickly, she had enough minorly competent peons that she could put on the job).

"Yes it did but would thou permit me one more?" Luna queries as she tries her best to untangle herself from the body of a once upstanding gentleman.

"Fine" Celestia sighs as her horn comes free with a puff of cotton (or at least she thinks it's cotton), The hole in the leather couch is wide and slightly scorched but the Princess is vaguely sure that the couch won't catch fire. So she leaves it, something like that was work for the castle staff anyway.

"Holy Kirin Empire" With a grunt Luna frees herself and scoots away from the body. She doesn't remember his name but given he was one of Celestia's that isn't a massive surprise. Luna didn't know the long list of fanatics her sister had garnered and groomed over the past millennia (She only knew that her list was significantly smaller).

"Fuck those savages, those islands were a death sentence" Celestia growls with a savage smile. She didn't like Kirens all that much and the pair's brief time trawling those islands in a hopeful conquest meant that they didn't like her all that much either. The Lady of Glass could at least respect an equal (well as close as a mortal race can get) in the field of battle, It was just a shame that they didn't submit to her rule.

"On that, we are agreed" An equally savage smile greets the sun goddess and in that moment an understanding is yet again reached. The smiles fall quickly as the yet again headless body becomes the centre of attention for one of the sisters. Luna grimaces and holds back a frustrated screech before turning to Celestia "Sister I believe it has gotten worse".

"It can't have" The now calm Princess turns before freezing "Oh Gods, not again" She glances at her hoof and flicks a spot of greymatter and hair from it before wiping said hoof on one of the drapes.

"Perhaps we can fetch Discord?" Luna suggests as she levitates the corpse away from the centre of the room.

"I really don't want to." An aggravated groan from the eldest "You know how he gets." Followed by a long-suffering sigh. It wasn't that the two of them didn't like Discord but if there was one thing they both agree on it was that the Lord of Change was a mouthy cunt (and only sometimes in a good way). Personally, Celestia thought he was funny but that wasn't something she would ever say aloud.

"Mayhaps we can quieten his tongue the old-fashioned way?" The almost coy suggestion leaves Princess Luna's mouth but is quickly smothered to death by the endless lilt. She wasn't yet at an intelligible level but the Lunar Princess was quickly approaching what her sister called 'Oh Gods, the Horde is Back'. Which was the point where her accent overwhelmed her words and every word from that point onward sounded made up.

"Well he does have two cocks and I am feeling rather stressed at the moment." Celestia ponders breathlessly as her imagination runs amok. She had met very few in her lifetime who had an endowment as adaptable as Discord but that wasn't the poi- Celestia's brow furrows as she watches her previous student stand and walk silently towards the two of them. Luna for her part doesn't notice Twilight's approach.

The smaller Princess taps her hoofs together in an excited clap before speaking "Verily I too am stressed, mayhaps we coul-" The Lunar Princess stops as a still dead-eyed Twilight Sparkle brushes past her, heading towards the corpse "Umm Twilight wit are yah dooin?"

"I..." The Lady in Lavender starts and stops with a heavy heaving breath. "I.." She seems lost for words and this seems to build upon Celestia's concern for the poor thing. In that moment lost in the past it was easy to forget the purple bibliophile, a fact that shrouds the sun in guilt and shame.

"Now Twi-" Celestia starts before stopping as the young mares eye's flash white before her gaze yet again turns to the body of Steady Service. Celestia attempts to speak but a raised hoof stops her.

"Not another word." Twilight Eventide Sparkle intones to the room as her horn glows brightly with arcane might. Soon after the mumbling starts and the guilt in Celestia's heart all but disappears and in its place a strange sense of pride blooms along with another large dosage of concern. "This piece goes there, that piece goes the other way, this one isn't for this..." The Princess of Friendship begins to rebuild the skull of the stallion Luna had accidentally murdered and all the Celestial Sisters can do is watch as their experiences from hundreds of rebuilds suddenly pales in comparison to the smallest mare in the room. Twilight always was a quick study and watching this only continues to show just how quick-witted the mare was. "Clean, Glue, Place, Harden and Heartstart" And like that she is finished to the absolute shock of everyone currently awake in the room.

"Oh a thousand apologies Princess, I seem to have slipped" Steady Service holds his head and smiles up at Princess Twilight, who offers him a hoof and a smile that seems just a little bit stiff. Because inside her head Twilight Eventide Sparkle, Spark of Magic is screaming, bawling and laughing at the same time. And that makes what she does next even more surprising given that it isn't a full-blown panic attack.

"Never mind that you hit your head and gave us all the fright of our lives. Celestia was so shocked she was nearly inconsolable." The Lavender Legend gestures to the melted peytral and the various burns on the floor but she doesn't stop there. "In fact she thinks you've earned a well-deserved break after a little bout in the infirmary" She rests a hoof on the woozy stallion's shoulder and pulls him into a hug giving her just enough time to give Luna a rather unfriendly look (one that promised pain) "She's arranged tour around the world out of her own pocket as both an apology and thanks for all the hard work you do" Twilight Sparkle releases the once dead man and helps him to his four hooves before cleaning and straightening his suit with a few simple spells.

Mr. Service for his part seems more embarrassed than he realistically should be "Really I'm fine ma'am there is no nee-"
"She insists." Twilight interrupts as she turns the stallion around and begins to guide him out of the room with a wing upon his back. "In fact she wants you to bring your whole family along as well, isn't that right Celestia?" The little purple menace turns to Celestia with a smile that is utterly strained and when the tall mare doesn't immediately respond her eyes flash white.

"Uhm... yes?" The Ruler of the Sovereign Principality of Equestria intones dumbly. She feels dumb at that moment, why hadn't she just asked Twilight to begin with? It was what she did every other time one of them cocked up. Like that time Luna invited Chrysallis to a wedding, lost her and later found her... after she had already been launched from the city with a love blast.

"Forgive her she is still rather stunned, as is Cadance." Twilight opens the door to the immaculate hallway outside as her magic picks the still unconscious Mi Amore and rests her on her back.

"Well if she insists I suppose" Steady Service mumbles as he stumbles on his way out "By the Stars I have a rather bad headache m'lady" He turns to Twilight who offers him a supportive smile as her wing curls around him tighter.

Celestia knows her student well enough to spot the slightest twitch in her right eye, a sign of stress and as much as the Old Celestia wants to call her weak. The Modern Celestia can't help but applaud her strength of will, it was one of the most valuable lessons she taught her... if she did teach her that, she can't rightly remember.

"It's perfectly natural to have such a thing after what you have been through" She reassures the recently dead man as Cadance sputters awake on her back, drawing all the eyes in the room. She looks pale. "Though I must insist on joining you as it looks like Cadance is rather sickly at the moment as well" Twilight's voice cracks just slightly as the bleary-eyed gaze of her once foalsitter scans the room before shaking her head.

"Did you say my name, I had a funny dream I think?" Mi Amore Cadenza (You can call her Cadance, everyone else does) slurs from the smaller mares back before slumping back down into a mess of mauve mane.

"We'll talk about that later, We're off to the infirmary" An increasingly hysterical laugh leaves Twilight's muzzle as she steps out of the room and jostles the mare on her back again. Cadance stares lazily off to the side and grunts an affirmative before shutting her eyes again. A sparkling purple eye turns back towards the sisters sitting frozen in a slightly damaged tea room and for a moment Luna swears she sees something malevolent in the small mares eye.

"We'll talk later." She states firmly before stepping out of the room and shutting the door. The Bearers of the Sun and Moon both shiver before breathing a sigh of relief.

"Yer students a wee bit of a nutjob ain't she?" Princess Luna mutters to her sister beside her as she tips the last of her cold coffee down her throat. Celestia just shrugs in response, part of her wants to defend Twilight but the other part doesn't exactly disagree.

"Sparkles have their own breed of madness from what I've seen." Luna nods curtly as if understanding completely. She lets her mug drop from her magical grip and lets it shatter on the floor with an amused titter. Luna was many things and utterly petty was one of the traits that the two of them share.

"So... about that Discord idea..." She lets the thought sit in the open air and Celestia finds herself properly pondering it again as she wraps a wing around her smaller sister. She pulls her close as memories and experiences shared fill her head, now Discord... that wasn't an all-around bad idea. Celestia liked his jokes more than she let on and Luna had a uniquely similar experience that they had already bonded over (Banishment).

"Yes, I believe he could help with the effects of this stressful situation" He was an old friend, even if the three of them had been at odds more than once. They could rely on him even though he pretended to be a fool most days.

"That's a long-winded way of saying you want to fuck him." Her sister chortles and Celestia laughs boisterously before turning to her sister with a smile.

"Luna," She says with a growing smile and a snicker. "Shut your filthy fanged mouth you northener thestral cunt".

Luna cackles, "Flat-toothed fat eastern trolop."

"Witch" Luna wiggles the claws of her wings mysteriously.

"Tyrant" Celestia rolls her eyes bares her teeth and winks.

"Whore" Luna opens her maw and wiggles her pierced-forked tongue.

"Tart" Celestia flutters her eyelashes and gives her best salacious smirk.

"Hornhead" Luna levitates a piece of cake over and gasps in mock surprise.

"Mudpony" Celestia laughs uproariously and taps both front hooves together, a near thunderclap makes her sister wince.

"Really?" Both question in unison before laughing.

"What shape do you think they'll be this time" Celestia ponders to a near-empty room as she munches a piece of cake.

"I was quite partial to the dragon last time." Luna fans herself with a wing as a small trail of drool leaves her lips.

"I think he'll surprise us." Celestia gives Luna a nod, one that she returns with a small smile.

"I certainly hope I can," A familiar voice says from between the two as a tiny Discord reveals himself before snapping a clawed finger. A larger Discord slivers out of a crack in reality and pokes the smaller one, the little Discord pops and the sisters find a draconaques between the two of them. They both gasp as something firmly grips each of their flanks. The chimeric god between the two of them winks "I am Lord of Chaos, my dears" His voice becomes slow and sultry "Surprises are my specialty."

With a snap, they all disappear, off to do things in places. Most likely repeatedly and vigorously. All that is left in this small room is the remnants of a crime reversed and a tea break utterly ruined.

Oh wait that couch did set on fire... bollocks.

Comments

[Alpenglow]

Peculiar.

[LunarReaper]

11681502
I'd expect it to be given the slight madness that came over me when writing this. :)