Bonus Scene : Discord's bargain
Elsewhere the janitor ,still clad in his mismatched tux, answered his phone in the school parking lot.
"Yes I did what you asked."
Tapping his fingers against the glass, he responded with "No, they don't suspect anything. You do remember our deal, don't you lovebutt?"
Wanting to savor the moment, he dug out his crumbled up menu to Mario's pizza.
"That's right. And don't forget the extra anchovies and pineapple. I'll know."
He shook his head.
“Why would I do that? I hate pineapple. You two lovebirds enjoy your evening.”
The janitor proceeded to chuckle. "Well they don't call me Discord for nothing."
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- Sunnydaze911 · 1.6k words · 13 1 · 865 views
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Why is it always Sci Twi who's a nervous wreck when it comes to Sunlight anyway? Seems to be a recurring theme when it's these two, and not Sunset with pony Twilight.
11700301
In defense of Sci-Twi, she canonically is very timid and awkward around others. As for Sunset Shimmer, the girl always seem to have confidence in personal situations in buckets. It's not impossible, but it's just not the first thought when it comes to Sunset interacting with pony Twilight.
It was a cute story, it seemed to jump around a bit though. I would've liked to see more interaction between Sunset and Twilight after the Flash thing happened and maybe reveal their feelings then, Also maybe a scene where the other girls talk about getting Twilight and Sunset elected so they get together could've added some context as to why they won the crowns.
11700712
Thank you for reading it. I did jump around a little bit and added a few things here and there, but time management isn't my best strong suit.
I did my best to attempt to offer a satisfactory answer of how Sunset and Twilight won the competition. A few little clues here and there and a thing at the end; but it could have been not as well explained as I had hoped.
This was a decently pleasant read for a lot of it. It does have issues; it moves at a bit of an awkward pace, it flips perspectives from Sunset to Twilight and back without warning, and there’s some editing/punctuation issues in parts. On a more narrative level, I did take issue with the story making Flash into quite a jerk for no real reason, which was disappointing; I was waiting for there to be a twist with him, but sadly no. But it feels like you’re still learning, and it's always nice to see a getting-together story with these two characters. I really hope you keep writing!
11717878
That's a fair assessment on all counts.
Pacing is one of those concepts I'm still struggling a lot with to be honest. When I'm drafting it out, I wanna keep the story going as swiftly as possible. However description and other stuff needs to be added back in.
As for switching perspective, I wanted to show character's thoughts and reactions but when two main characters are in the same scene; I didn't know whose thoughts to focus on.
Regarding punctuation and grammar, Google Docs is far from perfect and I am bound to miss a thing or two when editing. Especially when I am in a hurry.
With the narrative issue with Flash, yeah I don't have any good excuses. It was a combination of poor planning, wanting drama in the story, and some other things.
Thank for you the review though. I have plans to keep writing stories; one mystery and one story featuring bitter exes. Then try to sort out the plan for the story I wanted to write for a while.
And I want to learn how to smooth out these kinds of things going forward.
ohhhhhh that was Discord all along! how did i not catch that? well-played!
um excuse me that sounds amazing as a pizza
thank you for writing!
11783122
Thanks for hosting the contest.
janitor, still*
Despite the huge pile of mistakes, this wasn't too bad. I still enjoyed it in the end.
11845236
Thank you for your feedback. The amount of comments was a little concerning but thank you. My mistakes may be plentiful, but I am trying to get better.
11845860
I still enjoyed it, just do it as advice and feedback.