Twilight Sparkle has always cared more about studying than friendships, but what is it about her past that made her so immersed in her studies, to the detriment of her social life?
And why would her mentor, the great Princess Celestia, choose to wait so long before interceding?
After all, her cutie mark represents her talent at magic, not studying.
Based on scenes from the show about Twilight Sparkle's past. If anyone has a better suggestion for her parents names, I'd love to hear them, because I just took the suggestion from the MLP wiki.
Chapters (15)
dont fall waste all your energy twily! not sure if forshadowing
1446570
Haha. No, not foreshadowing. I'm pretty bad at that, so I don't try to do it
At first i was like "huh?" now i'm like "aww"
1459746 Filly Twilight Sparkle does that to everypony
If there was something about that 'huh' that could be fixed, constructive criticism is always appreciated
The thought of someone not liking a liking a favorite story is strangely funny to me. Like someone is a masochistic reader and only reads for the shear agony that can be found in poorly written prose.
Rest assured though, I like your story and rarely read for any reason other than enjoyment.
Sadly during the writing of this comment I can't help but think that Twilight reads Daring Doo because of the plot holes that may come up in those stories.
1468027
Haha. There's a livejournal community I'm part of (yeah, I know. Who uses livejournal anymore?) called Badfic_Quotes where people do read bad fanfiction on purpose. Just to share its incredible badness with the rest of the world. If you want a laugh (or a cry) you should check it out. You'll get all these feelings
And thanks for commenting! Favourites are nice, upvotes are helpful, comments are love!
I get the impression people favorite to get the email update, though if you're that interested I don't really think a thumbs-up would hurt either...
Filly Twi is best Twi. Ready for more
1471324
Exactamundo. Like, the two buttons are even right next to each other, so it'd be nice. I figure maybe people ... forgot? I have 22 favourites and only 15 thumbs up. You'd think it'd be the other way around.
It wouldn't be an issue for me if I didn't have those two dislikes. They're kinda discouraging, and I want to counter them out.
1471502
My thoughts exactly ^_^
There'll be a new chapter up as soon as the 24-hr mark rolls around and I can get my fic bumped to the front page again
I'm through the first four chapters; liking it so far. Do you mind some corrections?
Ch2:
"The royal guard on the stage blew their horns" -> "guards" (although "guard" can be used collectively, it doesn't look like you're going for that here)
"it's brightness covering the gathered crowd" -> "its"
"affirm her promise/" -> A forward slash?
Ch3:
"a unicorn can find out which magic she could or couldn't use." -> This sounds wrong. I think just "can or can't use" would be better.
Ch4:
"Smarty Pants, watched from his perch on a shelf." -> Smarty Pants is female.
"She had never met Night Light and Velvet Twilight before, as with most of the population of Canterlot," -> This is ambiguous: did Cadance meet most of the population of Canterlot or didn't she? It can be interpreted either way. (Bonus interpretation: Or did most of the population of Canterlot not meet Night and Velvet?) Consider rephrasing.
""Oh Twilight Sparkle, you've stopped studying for a time. Are you drawing something?" The Velvet Twilight asked gently, pleased to see her eyes off a book for once. -> Oh, boy, what happened here? First of all "stopped studying for a time" is awkward and absurdly formal. The "her" in this sentence seems to refer to Velvet. Try "her daughter's eyes" instead. And when did Velvet earn herself a "The" as part of her name?
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This shouldn't be the reaction I have to errors, but I laughed.
At least there weren't too many. Lol.
Thanks for the comment. It's nice to see words that say people are liking this, and corrections always show people are paying attention.
1479314 Heheh, "words that say people are liking this". I can read between the lines just fine.
Sorry, but I have a well-defined threshold for thumb-ups, and your story isn't quite there... yet. Please don't take it personally.
More suggestions:
Ch5:
"She had been warned that this was the first morning her foalsitter would be around" -> The "she" here is ambiguous and I first parsed it as being Cadance. Just replace it with "Twilight"; don't worry, you're not repeating her name too often.
"Cadance sneak into the study and surprise Twilight" -> missing "would".
"Why was she sharing it with him." -> Question mark?
Also, I may just be thick, but I had to re-read the part with Cadance meeting Shining to realise they were outside. I recommend you just throw the word "outside" somewhere in there to make it clear.
Also, the last part could be helped by describing their expressions a bit more. I can't tell if Cadance is smiling or playing it cool or frowning in mock-anger.
Ch6:
"We want you to play with your friends, and you can't go to the school without having fillies to keep you here, too." -> I'm probably being thick again, but I can't figure out what this sentence means.
"They had stared in surprised for less than a minute" -> "surprise"
"from the princess who rose the sun and moon" -> "raised"
Ch7:
"in all it's purple-speckled ... egg-ness" -> "its"
"Lot's to do" -> "Lots"
Ch8:
""Twilight will definitely be fine," -> Stray opening quote.
"Shining turned to all up the stairs" -> "call"
"And your father has, too."" - Stray closing quote.
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Heh. For the record, I was totally implying the opposite of what you thought I was
I like comments better than upvotes. Writing something is way more personal than clicking a button.
Hmmm. I'll comment....
So far - this story just leaves me kind of... flat.
It's not that you aren't filling in Twilight's backstory in a very plausible way. You have no obvious mischaracterizations in your writing. Everything feels very believable. Your grammar is generally good as well.
But for some reason I can't quite identify - this story just isn't grabbing me the way I thought it would.
I think part of it is pacing and detail. There are several times in the story that could have used a little bit more of "show - don't tell!" to counteract the large amount of "Twilight did this" and "Twilight thought that". Just a tiny bit more detail to add a little more punch.
(Here's a specific example- I liked the scene with Twilight in the study. You did a pretty good job capturing her mental panic and push to suceed. But adding a few more sensory queues would have totally put it over the top. Here's a mild rewrite - just adding a bit more detail.)
~~~~~~~~
Upon entering the study, she scanned the shelves of books for one in particular. There it was. The Encyclopaedia Magica Index, the definitive reference to all thirty six volumes of the set. Her horn glowed as she used her telekinesis to take the massive tome off the shelf it sat on. The book was heavy, and it bobbled up and down in her telekinetic grip as she strained to keep it airborne. When the book was finally hovering over the desk, Twilight stopped. What a weak display of magic she thought to herself. It's just a book, and I should have been able to lift it easily.
Twilight slowly levitated the book upwards towards the ceiling, then lowered it back down again. Up and down, up and down. Sweat dripped down the side of her face from her mane, but she wasn't going to be bested by a book, no matter how heavy.
Up and down, up and down. The book's motion became less steady, lurching through the air instead of rising and falling smoothly. Twilight's pulse pounded in her temples and her breathing took on a ragged edge as the morning light continued to pour into the study. The irregular motions of the book caused dust motes to dance in the air; but Twilight paid them no mind - her attention was focused entirely on the book.
Finally she could do no more. When she was completely exercised out, when she could lift it no longer - Twilight lay the book down gently. Well, she tried to do it gently. The glow surrounding the book winked out as it dropped the last six inches to thump heavily on the wooden surface, the noise thunderous in the morning quiet.
~~~~~~~~
A little more detail involving more of the senses *shows* she is pushing herself to the limits - rather than simply telling the reader "she's exhausted so she stopped".
I'm going to continue to follow this story to see where it goes, but I'm withholding a thumbs up until I see something that makes me go "oooh!" - be it an idea, a novel bit of dialogue, or a nifty description.
Nice little story for d'aaaws.
But I totally agree with this ^
I can see you made a change, but there's something weird going on because I'm still not getting it. Am I the only one?
It's just not clicking. The best meaning I can draw out of it is "and you can't go to the school if you don't have friends to come home to."
Is that it?
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It kinda stung. You don't have to tell me you're not gonna upvote. I know you probably didn't mean it that way, but it was kinda a slap in the face to me.
Thanks for commenting.
It's nice to understand people's thoughts, but did you really have to add that last bit?
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That 'd'aww' was what I was going for, really.
Mighty nice of you to comment.
Wanted to get this out there (especially since I haven't seen so much of filly Twilight in pony fic so far).
Tbh, my lack of ... detail ... is because I'm not spending an awful lot of time here. I'm not description queen (I'm actually really bad at it), so expanding the description of a scene takes up more time than I have. Someday I'll probably go back and make it better, but that's actually how my writing process works, it takes me weeks to come back to a story and add proper scenes in.
Aw well. We can only do what we can do.
1490278
Actually - it wasn't meant as a slap in the face...
I meant it as a straight up statement of "hey - i know I made some negative comments, but i think this has potential, so I am telling you I am watching it."
You're close. To be honest- you're real close.
In my experience - knowing WHY you got a upthumb or a downthumb (or a neutral) is worth its weight in electrons. That's why I try to make it clear what it needs if it's short, (and what REALLY needs fixing if it's a downthumb)
~~~~~~
Scenery:
I can understand that. I have my own set of downfalls when it comes to writing.
A good editor/teacher once told me a good rule though: If a scene is important enough to write about, it's important enough to include at least three "senses". (Touch, taste, smell, sound,or sight.) It's almost like it should be a character, too. If a character is in a story (or a scene) - they should have enough dialogue to give an explanation as to WHY they are in the scene. Same thing with the background scenery.
Hearing and sight are always easy. You brushed up against touch a few times yourself. (the sweat trickle was a good one). You don't HAVE to describe everything (in fact - that's a great way to wrecking the flow of a story), but little good description can be used to control the pacing of a story and help set an emotional resonance with a character.
Just my two cents. Just keep on writing! Like any skill - it gets better with practice.
CALL UPON THE SEAAAAA PONIES, WHEN YOU'RE IN DISTRESS!
ooooooooooh, I think I know why she's strange. She's afraid that Twilight will get angry at some point, her magic will get out of control, and she'll destroy something or even hurt them.
1490877
. Your comments are pretty awesome.
Huh. Wow. I never heard the 'use three senses' thing before. That's a very good guideline.
With some practical advice like that, I'll be sure to check over my chapters for something like that before I post them (it's so easy, even on my short time I can do it, so I shouldn't be lazy.)
Sorry for being over-sensitive the other day though. Sometimes things just seem like a big deal when they're really not. I'm a girl, it's one of those dumb mood-swings
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Heh. Once you see the sea ponies, you never get them outta your head. Lol.
1497376
Yep! Exactly.
And the more "important" the scene to the overall story, the more senses you should *try* to include. You don't have to go all "Stephen King" and spend 14 pages describing a room, though. It doesn't even have to be a BIG description, just something to help capture the emotion of the moment besides just outright stating it.
Everyone knows that feeling of their heart thudding in their chest, or that clenching in the pit of their stomach, or that electric jolt of realization. You don't have to say "She was scared when she saw the princess" if "Twilight's legs trembled slightly as she walked towards the princess."
The faint smell of dusty pages lingering in the air, the salty tang of sweat on her lips, the hushed whispers of a library, or the warmth of sunlight on her face as she enters the room. Even such brief descriptions all help set the emotional tenor of the scene.
Show - don't tell.
(And don't worry about it! I know I'm awesome!
)
Actually, I know taking criticism can be pretty hard. But I've been learning from my primary prereader/editor, who can be brutally honest at times. You don't get better if you don't get told what's wrong. For me - it's a
slighttendency to be TOO verbose. Go figure!!!1497605
mood 
, it's how to do it quickly and efficiently. It'll be good to implement this kind of thing onto my "serious" work to maybe cut down the amount of time I spend re-writing scenes that don't have the right amount of description in them. Having a rule of thumb is quite an awesome thing, so thanks again.
Having done a Creative Writing degree, it's not the criticism I have trouble with so much as keeping a lid on my emotions when I'm in a
It's not so much knowledge of how to write well that I need
Even though the chapter may have felt like filler to you, I rather enjoyed it.
Little filly Twilight being Twilight, and Celestia being Celestia worked.
You did have a few oddly constructed sentences. For some reason - it took me several tries to parse my way through this paragraph, which of course broke the flow of reading the story.
.
I don't see any obvious grammatical errors in there, so it may have been the number of commas and the length of some of the sentences. *shrug*
(Just an idle comment.)
Believe it or not though, remember a few posts back when I said that you'll get a thumbs up when you got an "ooh" moment for a nifty bit of descripition? You got it with this:
I saw exactly what was happening in my head perfectly. A prancy, bouncy, twirly, Twily
Twilight is not going to be happy about being released so early.
You mean them, right?
Anyway, filler or not, good chapter!
This is probably my favourite chapter so far. It doesn't advance the plot, but the characterization and atmosphere are exactly what they should be. I think the writing is better, too. "The sparkle returned to the pony's eyes." That's good stuff.
1515299
Haha. What's funny about that one line is that I did work hard on that one. Lol. Sometimes a line just has to be perfect.
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Thanks. Gosh, I'm surprised that was the only typo easily noticeable.
1516308
I think we can blame 1515299 for that line. Encouragement accepted. And I never could resist a good pun.
I rushed this chapter so much, I didn't think it would be good. Now I'm scared the ones I work on won't be as good. Lol.
1518908
Huzzah! I'm getting blamed for good stuff for once!
I had the weirdest comment on this chapter elsewhere. I was told it was funny.
or I wrote it all wrong. 
I don't know if that person is a little
Well, the first part is funny, the rest not so much. I'd say you did it right, it was a nice chapter.
Stupid ponies...especially Amethyst and Moondancer. That was just mean. She's your friend, she just did something awesome, congratulate her!
Twilight's true potential makes Princesses worry.
A room full of colts/fillies? scared beyond words.
Foals lives are built around rules and boundaries.
Twilight ... is the Element of Magic and has no boundaries.
Beautiful chapter. I can feel Twilights pain and loneliness.
Poor little filly. No wonder her only friends were Spike, Cadance, Shining and Celestia.
1582266
I finally earned my 'sad' tag. I was kinda worried I was gonna drag the lighthearted thing on forever. It's more difficult to write a sad MLP fanfiction than I thought it would be.
Very good chapter. Possibly the best yet. A very realistic reaction form Twilight and you brought out the emotions well. And yes, longer chapters definitely suit this story's pacing. Personally I think the ideal chapter length is just shy of 3000 words, but of course, one should never write to such arbitrary conditions. Unless that's the point.
This chapter was very easy to read. And I mean "easy" as in "pleasing", not "simple". Just two mistakes that I spotted:
"Twilight only realised she had dropped down so that her when she felt the cool tile of the floor beneath her belly." -> Something is missing here.
"I didn't mean to talk about myself. "Your only solution" -> Just a stray quote mark.
1585069
Lol. I think that sentence that was 'missing something' was just written incorrectly. I wrote it in Twilights, POV first, before I'd written Celestia's part, then I was continuing with Celestia's POV and thought it would actually be better if I kept it as Twilight. And that was the exact sentence when I made that decision, mid-re-write.
Gonna have to think about that sentence again.
As for chapter length, as much as I would like to make them longer, I just don't work hard enough on the story. There's so much expanding to be done, and as I've said in reply to someone's comments before, a lot of my descriptions come in much later re-writes
And I should point out that I don't mean I don't try. I am proud of this story, I'm just very aware of my personal limitations, and it would take me months to write this to the standard I would ideally like to.
Thanks for finding errors and pointing them out.
I decided to check out your story. From what I see, it is kind of an update of the story Twilight told of her cutie mark in "The Cutie Mark Chronicles". It's a good concept I think. To be honest, I liked the inclusion of Shining Armor in the story. When I first saw the episode, I came to the conclusion that she was an only child. But now reading this, I could easily see Shining Armor going along with his sister to see it. I think you demonstrated their bond well. Although, I think they should have just called their parents "Mom" and "Dad". Mother and Father seems too formal for them. I just couldn't picture that word coming from their mouths. But that is just me.
As for the grammar, I'm not sure if it was good or bad. Honestly I see I am not the best at grammar and several aspects escape me. Sorry I couldn't be of more help. Now I'm starting to see as fellow writers we should probably help each other out and I should have taken your advice more respectively, especially seeing as you know what you are talking about. But I was able to get through and understand the chapters. For me that is enough for a story.
If I ever get around to it, I will read the other chapters, maybe learn a thing or two by reading it.
1610277
Haha. I've never needed help with grammar, so it's all good. The only problems with my story should be typos and a lack of in-depth descriptions.
This story is not so much a re-telling as a filling-in-the-gaps of Twilight's life. But yeah, the first chapter was kinda just because I thought Shining needed to be added into her story (The last episode of season two had me staring at the screen, and I said aloud "Twilight has a brother?" I call it the 'surprise brother' moment. Lol).
And I totally agree on the mother father thing. I facepalmed at my decision later on.
I'm glad you've decided that writers should help each other out too
I'm sure a lot of writers can benefit from your experience if you choose to share it with them. 
1614214Well maybe I can learn something from you.
Not sure how much experience I would be able to share, but I'd be happy to help.
You know? I had the idea that all ponies held a form of magic inside them, what with pegasi controlling the weather and earth ponies having a connection with the land, except it was more inert while unicorns can manifest it freely through their horns. I'm glad I'm not the only one who views it like that, and I am rather pleasantly surprised it showed up in writing form. That will actually support an idea I have in a future fic idea. Well anyway, I liked the introduction of Cadance. Although I wonder if Twilight's parents are among the Canterlot elite seeing as they have a princess as their babysitter? Well anyway keep up the good work.
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so I can't take credit for the idea. But there are some things that lend credence to the idea. Like the fact that Twilight could use a spell to help ponies walk on clouds like pegasi (so their walking on clouds could be a natural form of magic in itself) and no one else seems to be able to grow food other than the earth ponies (everyone else has anti-plant-growing magic? Lol.)
I'm pretty sure that the idea of all ponies having an inherent kind of magic was first started by Lauren Faust herself
And Cadance being Twilight's foalsitter is something that will always be a mystery, I suppose. Did she do it a lot? Was it some kind of princess training to get to know the people? Why didn't prince Blueblood have to do a similar thing to stop him from being so stuck up?
Really enjoying this story.
MORE PLEAse
I sense that it will take a lot of work for Twilight to win over the teachers and staff of the school.
I have no hope at all that the students will be welcoming to a much younger and much more talented student.
Twilight Sparkle, Breaker of Bell Curves.
Please write more.