Derpy and carrot top meet at a cafe, where derpy is AGAIN late because of another Random adventure with the doctor. Carrot top suspects derpy loves the doctor, and she pushes derpy over the edge to admit her feelings.
meanwhile, the doctor was on his was on his way to the exact same cafe where derpy and carrot top where in....and he hears derpy say something that he wasnt meant to hear
(i saw a comic of this on deviantart and simply wanted to write it in a story kind of way. yes, i did add a little of my own taste to the story plot...)
Chapters (1)
short but sweet
Seen the comic so I basically knew everything that was coming. I cant say anything else because, well, I've seen it before.
um... HOW DARE YOU COPY COMIC GOOD SIR! ..... Jk
i say pretty good but still i dont think it's right to copy the comic
Did you at least ask the guy who made the comic to use the story line?
So adorable!
"It touched him on the inside, but he couldnt move. He couldnt blink."
i.ytimg.com/vi/De9O0LM5D8c/0.jpg
Had to be done!
Derpy's name often isn't capitalized in this story. Her wings should not be referred to as a "who". Use "which" instead. The way you do scene changes is jarring. Besides that, Dr. Whooves' perspective doesn't really add anything to the story. Not only that, but your perspective changes aren't just limited to scene changes. At one point the perspective just changes at random. :/
It would also help if you described how they felt on the inside, like hearts fluttering and all that..instead of just coming out and saying "he loved her back"
I have to at least give you props in choosing a good story. But it's probably best left in comic and youtube video form (yes, it's in youtube video form now)
I love "Derpy: A Love Story" In it's original form. This fanfic short, however, could use some work. Aside from the problems already mentioned, you could expand upon their budding relationship. Throw in an obstacle that makes it seem as if they can't be together, and make them get over it.
Rather than just retelling the comic in text form.
this was based on a comic :P meh I read anyways
I saw this on YouTube, haven't yet seen the deviantart one yet. I loved this storyline, nearly died laughing.