It has been twelve years since Equestria began its inter-dimensional collision with earth. Two years later, a way for the people of earth to survive the cataclysmic event was presented, conversion into ponies. With any great challenge and need to adapt, groups have arisen for and against conversion. While the world is in a tumult over what to do, some choose to do all they can to save the legacy and collective culture of mankind.
When Sergeant Willard Radrim's delivery mission is attacked by the PER, he is converted to a pony. Follow Willard and others as they go through the conversion bureau and beyond as they each struggle with events not fully in their control and ask themselves: "What is a human without choice?"
Times are changing.
A Conversion Bureau fiction set in Guardian_Gryphon's "Option Gamma" Universe. Written with permission and assistance of said author.
ok, Ill read this.
Meh, it was... alright.
1778667 Please by all means do!
1779036 Any particular complaints? Anything you thought was done well? The fic is far from over, I intend to update regularly.
1779078
Well some of the sentences came off odd, that and it suffers from what I like to call tl;dr syndrome. What I mean is its a lot of information and story packed into one chapter and I felt stuff could of been explained more or elaborated on, as well as the pacing is really slow at the beginning then moves up a few speeds later on but its generally to slow moving for me.
1779099 Alright, so pacing, fair enough. I did want to try and set out some of the basic rules for the world set up in the first chapter, I wanted the fiction to make sense even for someone who had never heard of TCB before, that meant having to explain basics like PER and HLF, and of course conversion as well.
Not bad. I'm a fan of the Gammaverse, and this certainly has the right feel for the 'verse.
But this first chapter is just way too long. It needs to be at least three separate chapters, IMO. And, oh my god, that is a ton of exposition you've got in the first part.
Other than that, it's not a bad start at all.
Woot! a new gamma-verse author! Welcome!
1779305 Thank ya kindly, it's a real pleasure working with Guardian_Gryphon.
1779131
True but it felt very forced, and even then they both come off as things instead of idea that drives them to be the HLF and the PER. Even though they are both things they are really ideas that create the organization.
Another Gammaverse spinoff? Okay, I'll take a look, but some tips based on 1779930's comments. Generally, show, don't tell, and you can get away with not explaining all the world stuff for a few chapters while you build reader interest.
1780193 Yes, future chapters will take exploring minute details at a much less dense pace. I'll be sure and check my chapters to see if it really needs to be told at that point or if there are better opportunities at later points. I appreciate the input.
1780247
I... would suggest going through the first chapter, and taking the explanations mostly out, and putting them in later chapters. Readers will naturally assume that the first chapter is a good sample of what the rest of the story is like. One thing I saw in a science fiction novel I read once, that I thought worked well, is that the ability to clone a person, memories intact, was central to the plot and introduced in the first chapter, but the means by which memories were copied to the new body wasn't mentioned until later.
Mind you, in Equestria Trek I may have erred on the other side, not explaining enough, something I want to fix once I finish the first draft of the whole story.
But just from your description I can tell that this story is about an idea I'm interested in seeing how you explore: what happens to someone converted against their will.
Seriously!? what's up with the hate? this fic seems to be done well... so far.
1797605 Admittedly the first iteration of the first chapter was a little more dense. Good to know that the edit has yielded a positive response. Then there is the fact that Conversion Bureau fics sometimes elicit a knee-jerk reaction to the dislike button due to some of them holding humans in a very low opinion. And then there are some self-insert conversion bureau fics that came with all of the inherent weaknesses there. Granted some of the dislikes or maybe even all of them may be from people genuinely hating my writing.
Funny, I was just thinking about a "Gryphon option" about an hour ago.
Hah I'm lovin story, canthe't wait to see where this goes, and much luck for all the gamma verse writers
The norm is to indent, but it doesn't make a difference if you do or not.
And I don't think I've actually seen that before, PER pony arguing with a forced HLF convert.
I'm good either way. You wanna indent it, indent it. If not, then don't. If you make a choice and people criticise it, then screw them.
I like an empty space between paragraphs better than indenting, and using both looks kind of silly. I don't care that much though.
Current formatting is fine! Plus your funeral scene gave me an idea for my story once it gets back from editing! Please contact me if you want, we could do some collaborations.
Why is Cave Johnson........
Something...
And even if its not him, I still read it with his voice
1878194 Purely for comedic purposes, though I am glad you read it in his voice.
I use tab indents, partly because it means I need to go through each line one last time before publishing my story.
I'm really enjoying what ideas this story is exploring... I can't wait to see Celesita's reaction to the PER idiot. (I'm hoping for banished, then put in prison in the place he was banished to
)
I am interested... What would happen to one of the cybernetic augments if dosed with potion? (Willingly or not) Would they survive conversion? Or would badly positioned metal bits being pushed out kill them half-way through?
1882142 Oh, I have special plans for Blank Slate. The thing I like about Gamma-verse Celestia (besides her not being a total tyrant, or orchestrating the barrier), is that she despises PER because they use her as a symbol to justify taking away free will. Of course the PER's most ardent followers wouldn't be able to tell that if it walked up to them and launched them into the sun.
As for what happens to augments when dosed with potion? If you're referring to an augmented soldier, the potion would have to get past the defenses they have against conversion in order to affect them. If the potion did manage to work itself into an augment's systems, the results would... not be pretty.
If the cybernetic augment was just a single prosthetic hand, it could be removed before conversion. with smaller bits (teeny tiny artificial nerves and the like) being dissolved by the potion as it works it's way through the system. If the conversion took place without the hands removal, there would likely be complications.
Well, I got your review ready, PM will be sent.
Another interesting chapter... It might be interesting to debate the PER on the issue of book burning. 'Cuz when you think about the worst of human history, in the modern era at least, much of it involves book burning.
And even if there is no good in a specific book, a specific part of human history, knowing what went wrong will keep you from making the same mistakes.
1975724 Well, the PER aren't really ones to debate by this point, with ten years to form an official policy. They're convinced that those who don't wish to convert don't know what's good for them. "They" (scare quotes because like any organization there are some differences among members) believe that shedding humanity, all of it, including our past, and I do mean all of it, will make the people happier and better.
Though as a writer I have to ask, was the fight scene something you could visualize?
1975919
Kinda sorta, but I don't really read for fight scenes... What I had some confusion with was the train cars decoupling.
I see you shifted from Mature to Teen on this story... Well, I was looking for something to re-read tonight, so might as well. Let's see if you took my advice in how to change the first chapter.
Oh, thing I like: that this is going on at the same time as Option Gamma. It gives the two stories more of a 'complete world' feel.
2091594 This story never started out as rated Mature, though I have added the gore rating for upcoming chapters. As for the two story archs, it kind of developed that way by accident, but once I got to flesh out the characters of Karan, Karphal, Vickers, Jameson, and Crystal Clear (That's a lot of 'k' sounds!) I realized that they could provide an excellent story to contrast against what is happening in Equestria. This made my need to improve the first chapters even greater as I needed a more solid introduction to these characters.
2091694
THAT'S right, I was thinking of another Option Gamma spin-off. My bad.
Okay, your first two chapters go a LOT more smoothly, which is great in terms of getting new readers to keep reading. The only big chunk of exposition I noticed was to answer a plot relevant question about why they were taking paper copies of books across.
My only 'objection' is that it really isn't a prologue, being immediately prior to the next chapter, and starring one of the main characters. If you don't want to re-number all the other chapters, you could call it "Chapter 0".
Little miffed that Celestia didn't banish Blank Slate as an example to the others... The gryphons could have handled him, kept him useful and from being a nuisance, and it might make the point that, no, really, she doesn't want ponies who think she's a goddess.
Alternately, she could have shown her distaste for them by having Luna deal with their trials.
Which could have been interesting when the HLF (I'm crap with remembering names) pony came up at the end...
2093331 Alas, part of Celestia not being a god means having flaws, and her lack of conviction when it comes to dealing with the PER is one of them. She doesn't see that they can be as big a threat as the HLF as time goes on and every single group on both sides of the barrier become desperate. And I'm glad to know my chapter organization has improved, now to renumber the and delete the old version from Fimfiction so it isn't taking up valuable server space.
2093763
Be careful, you may wind up deleting comments attached to those chapters. I unpublish such chapters, and delete all the words from them, and that keeps the comments.
Ooo, something with a strong PER presence and I haven't read it?! (Having invented the PER, I have a huge boner for them in any role.)
Oh wait, its gamma-verse...
Eh, I'll give it a look anyhow. Hopefully it didnt catch the terrible.
The only stories where these two statements are even close to true are Ten Minutes and Ten Rounds - and of course, the awful Anti-TCB spitefics. Real Conversion Bureau authors never write things that way, I certainly do not, and neither do the other original writers of the genre. The only people who generally say things like the above are the those who haven't actually read any real, decent TCB stories. The very people who cause so much trouble for TCB authors. The people who have harmed me.
I was going to give this story a try, is what I am saying, but your hatefulness kind of ended that.
If your story isn't good enough to stand on the fact that it is worthwhile, if you need to make sure people understand you are part of their hate group in order to get anyone to read it... maybe you shouldn't be writing in the Bureau genre in the first place.
I am appalled at your choice of promotion, Reginald1648.
Basically, you are supporting the blatant lies and ignorant falsehoods about other TCB stories in order to promote your own. That's pretty goddamn rude.
2106001 See, these are the kinds of comments I was hoping for when joining fimfiction, little refinements I can put in here or there. Description improved?
2105772 Yep, strong PER presence, both earth side and Equestria side.
2106793
Vastly better! Your story stands tall on its own merits, as it should. Excellent.
Well, it wasnt as overbearing with Gryphon master race thing that GaurdianGryphon has a boner for, and for that I thank you. It has however, been a very enjoyable read. I think its slightly comical that Miles somewhat resembles Grey Crusader (Who is both the first PER in all of TCB and the founder of the PER in my fic.)Seeing as how he is HLF. Also interesting is the indentured servitude bit, hard labor is one thing but slavery... eh, I guess its not like they're going to abuse them huh?
But aye, definitely tracked and thumbed. Good show chap. (Also read my storiiiiiiiies)
(...If you want to that is)
2111883 Really, did Grey Crusader have teal mane? I know he was a grey unicorn, but can't recall the mane color. As to the question of indentured servitude, it's one of Gammaverse's things about how Celestia handles things. Essentially, Willard is acting like Miles' suretor (someone who in medieval times could place money on someone to ensure that they behaved themselves in the future).
Thanks for the vote of confidence, it really means a lot coming from a Conversion Bureau veteran such as yourself.
2112216
Well, the mane is a different color (white) but I meant on the grounds of being a grey unicorn
Also, it took a second that you meant a veteran of TCB, not the army
Yeah, Been here since its orgins and been writin' almost as long. Also, I take it ya've read my stories. As far as the indentured servitude, I guess its coo' because its not a pony is gonna beat them or starve em or any of those other things that went on.
But yeah, keep it up. You're portraying the PER more or less the way I meant it to be, full of zealous ponies and people who believe in what they're doing regardless of all evidence to the contrary.
2110798
apologies to author for abusing his comments but, have you read the latest chapter of Moving On? You didnt comment
On a more serious note, the writing's not the greatest, but you've managed to keep me interested for this long so that's good at least. I like the concept but, as I said, the delivery could use a little improvement, but it is only the third chapter. I'm interested in reading what happens next, whatever the case.
2147219 Any particular suggestions for improvement? I know that I dipped a little into the lavender unicorn syndrome in the earlier chapters, but I've been improving on that and trying to spice up my writing in other methods.
As for "damnable feathered fiends": while I have played DA:O, the insult really could be used in general against gryphons, plus, Blank Slate is... let's say 'colorful' and leave his unintended theatrical flair as part of his character.
2147438 Hm, there's not much that I can recommend that isn't already seeing improvement. I'll look back through and see if there was anything glaring in a little bit, sound fair?
As for the line, DA:O is quite possibly my favorite game of all time, at the very least my favorite RPG. This was in no small part due to the characters of the game so it was only natural that I saw that and thought of Shale. If it wasn't intended as a reference, that's perfectly fine, I just thought I would ask.
How am I gonna put this...what's the point of having humans consider what it means to be a human if none of the characters are human anymore or can be turned back INTO a human? You're just kinda stalling until the eventual horrific ponyfication of all Earth, which, need I remind you, Earth doesn't need.
2204090
Are you responding to the story description, or a particular chapter?
If you're referring to the story description, I can tell you that eventually, MORE options will become available, as for why characters should consider what it means to be human, well, the terms 'human' and 'person' have become near-completely interchangeable.
... Why DOES this have so many down-votes. I don't like the TCB-verse, but... well, with the antagonists being PER and HLF instead of humanity or ponies as a whole, this... is actually good.
2204904 People are quick to judge based by association, but your comment, and others, that show that you've read the story, and enjoyed it, means the world to me.
I appreciate the vote of confidence.
2204928
You're welcome.
I have to admit, I honestly love to hate PER in the gammaverse there so brutally efficient and uncaring in there mission, if I was an evil bad guy with a evil army, I would want men like these guys in it.