The Bubble Blower

How Derpy met the Doctor, a simple, One-Shot Story.
(This is my first fanfiction, so critiques and comments are welcome! Artwork drawn by AppleCake, not me.)

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 13 )

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MicroChip

MicroChip #1 · Oct 22nd, 2012 · · ·

Your first story? Well, you're off to a great start. The first bit almost left me in tears.
A bit slow and I spotted several grammar mistakes, but touching nonetheless.

Commissar Rarity

Commissar Rarity #2 · Oct 22nd, 2012 · · ·

Fair enough fic for your first try. There were a few small grammatical errors and a bigger one I'll get to in a sec.

I would suggest adding an extra line between each paragraph. I find it's much easier on the eyes.

Now onto that bigger one:

She fell out of her bed, grabbed her pictures and climbed up the windowsill and out of the window, in her haste, the tomato soup fell of the tray and splashed all over her bed and her mane; but it didn’t matter, she couldn’t lose him this time, the last time she had regretted it.

Run-on sentences hurt. Lemme try to fix that up for ya.

She fell out of her bed, grabbed her pictures and climbed up the windowsill and out of the window. In her haste, the tomato soup fell of the tray and splashed all over her bed and her mane. It didn’t matter, she couldn’t lose him this time - the last time she [NO HAD! Had bad.] regretted it.

Also cover-art: http://apple-cake.deviantart.com/art/And-still-she-will-keep-on-believing-301553490

Hope this helps, even in the slightest bit. cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-rcontent.png

gb2matty

gb2matty #3 · Oct 22nd, 2012 · · ·

Er...
It's a nice concept, but lacks real meaty-ness. You seem to be doing what a lot of authors do, including myself: you tell instead of show. Not only that, but you don't really go in depth with anything; it's just plainly stated that she talked with the Doctor, but you never showed that. It says Derpy was bullied, but it doesn't really show the horribleness that can be a bully victim. And even after that, I'm still confused as to why or how the bullies got in trouble. Did Derpy have a conversation with the teacher? Did the Doctor give her confidence? Did the Doctor tell the teacher?
The concept is good. The grammar is in well standing, and structurally the story isn't half bad. Plot wise, it needs quite a bit of work. I'd recommend doing a bit of brainstorming, think of some extra parts to put in, possibly consult them with someone else, and re-write the story. Or just change it from what you have. Up to you. I really think you have potential, and you just need practice.

WolfOblivion

WolfOblivion #4 · Oct 22nd, 2012 · · ·

Not much else to say besides these two, i do agree with matty, i have the same problem wherein I tell. You can do that, but you would need to describe in detail of those specific points. I would advise to writing more one shots (only one chapter), it allows quick work and sufficient practice before you really crackdown on a story.

Fluttershy Yay lover

Fluttershy Yay lover #5 · Oct 22nd, 2012 · · ·

One word: MOAR! pretty awesome!

Tome

Tome #6 · Oct 22nd, 2012 · · ·

Might give it a read after class so I can give some feedback.

PixelPonies

PixelPonies #7 · Oct 22nd, 2012 · · ·

1487509 1487482 Both of your advice helped. I'll make the changes after my homework.

((ADDITION: Huzzah! Edits have been made.))

gb2matty

gb2matty #8 · Oct 23rd, 2012 · · ·

1488414
Much better. I still see a few errors, the major one being order and understanding what happened when, but otherwise it's going in a great direction! Or it ended in a great direction, which is good enough. I honestly would like to see more of this, but that is up to you in the end. Hope you keep writing!

lord Fowl