Rape, sexism, racism, vile acts and views that humanity looks at with deepest of loathing. But Equestria a magical world inhabited by ponies, have no such issue openly embracing it.
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I think I can see why you're getting some of these dislikes. Perhaps a bit of constructive criticism for you.
As I was reading, I noticed that you were using both Past Tense and Present Tense Narration. Now, either one is fine to use, but you should remain consistent. This chapter would switch between them mid-paragraph.
Tense aside, as I was reading, things seemed to work out in a manner that would sound just fine if it was being read to me aloud. You really to have a fairly gripping means of description. When you put it into type, however, some issues can be found.
There are quite a number of typos. "Tare", for example, I think you were going with either "Tear", for present tense, or "Tore", for past tense. There was also "Steeped" which means "To immerse" when I think you meant "Stepped", "To step forward"
The last thing I noticed was a major lack of commas. I can give a few rules of thumb for dealing with them. Typically, when you can remove a word from the sentence without the sentence having any significant change, you should separate it with a comma. A good example would be the word "Typically" in my last sentence.
Another rule of thumb for commas, that might be a little easier. If, when speaking the sentence, you would take a moment for breath or a beat of pause, there should be a comma.
I hope these thought help you to improve. I really do believe you have a talent for the words you pick, now just to get them onto the page in the most recognizable fashion.
1496792
I agree with you on all accounts, good sir.
1497059
There's not much to add to what Handsome Masquerade posted. Maybe slow down a little bit; that would make things a little easier on the reader, but that isn't anything overly dramatic really. Don't get discouraged! Have an upvote!
I say that you should really continue!
Good plot so far and looking forward to see what will happen!
I don't get why people have thumbed this so much down... Sure it has some minor past sense mistakes, but that isn't really that good of a reason...
If it is just because of the subject and the rape, then please just fuck off...
Gotta say, never been a fan of rape. Even if it is just a part of the story. Oh well.... Lachlan round 2
funny-pictures-blog.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Now-this-is-how-you-fight.jpg
FIGHT!
more please
1498080
1498152
fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/160/a/f/fluttershy_meme_mortal_kombat_by_joezilla1991-d3ih643.png
1498162 FLAWLESS VICTORY
i gotta say, I love this story so far, I don't even care that there are spelling mistakes, or grammatical errors, can't wait till the next chapter, and I hope you make it to.
Because I'll be sad if you don't
Well, as a reader of non-English speaking country, I can say that I read this chapter without a problem. And I certainly wish the continuation of this story.
Not many anthro-pony stories, so please go ahead. It would be sad if it ended.
Q: Will the story also submissive ponies? I like the idea of big, strong women in a subordinate position to men.
I think the exact same thing as high voltage, the grammar errors have to be very extreme to deter me
please write more i feel bad for this guy,s waist ouch
My only concern so far is they said ponies age a lot slower than humans, and that 40 is 18 years old in pony years, correct?
Well, I don't see why you'd do that, unless it's like Gnomes, who can live up to 400 years, but anyways, I hope that our human hero can explain that he's an adult, not a colt, by human standards. Maybe he and Twilight and Celestia can talk about age differences in later chapters?
Interesting, please continue!
Personally I'm not one for clop,but the plot of this story is interesting.
1503394 I can do that for you, I'm fairly well acquainted with the proper use of both grammar and punctuation. That is if you want me to.
1505306 I would love you forever if you could I have finished chapter 2 which is 4700 words long could you go over it and correct my mistakes. and maybe even help get my tenses right like past and present.
This could definitely use some refining, but I have no complaints that haven't been voiced.
1503136
Male human raped by anthro-ponies? Interesting...
Always a fan of anthro ponies. There really needs to be more anthro, and less humanized.
Plus this is a male human/ponies heram. Hope the next chapter is out soon.
1509543 I have competed chapter 2 but need a proof reader
1498170
Shytality
1509638
Remember, proper punctuation makes any story about 20% cooler.
For example:
“Because slave something about your scent makes me horny as Tartarus and your stamina is a nice change to the pathetic thirty second that most stallions last”
“Because slave, something about your scent makes me horny as Tartarus, and your stamina is a nice change to the pathetic thirty second that most stallions last.”
Also...
“Someone is adventures”
It should be...
"Someone is adventurous..."
1496081 I agree, me gusta
Okay, idea, great, execution, good. Reason you're getting all these downvotes, mechanical errors (ie. grammar, spelling)
What an interesting story about a human with anthro ponies. This is going to be great. I liked it so far, but I really feel sorry for the amount of pain he ended up having.
Anthro?
But anyway, I'm giving it a read.
1496081>>1544135 i concur
Well, this needs some grammar revision, but other than that it's okay. Will read more.
1503136 That is how I want to go out. Death by plenty of Snu Snu while smoking a cigerate.
A couple of thoughts. Not holding anything back.
First, I love the idea of the story. I don't think that I've ever seen a fic like this before.
Second, I think that the first thing you should do is find a good editor. The language is good, no wrong words that I saw, but the grammar needs a lot of help.
Third, I think you should be proud, and keep writing.
Normally I don't read pony anthro, I prefer carnivore/omnivore anthros myself. However, I saw someone talking about this story having a great plot(mind outta the gutter damn it!) so I'm going to give it a shot. That being said I have only read the note at the being of the chapter so far and... I'm already getting a good feeling about this.
That should be "Human sweat will act much like" the way you have it phrased is saying that sweat will attract humans. That's sort of the opposite what your saying so it's a pretty big error. Now this ain't criticism, the purpose of this post is to comment on how totally, epically, RIGHT that bit in green is. All my "YES!!" on that sentiment. People who read stories about things they know they dislike and then down vote should die!
Dude, this is a good story, im rereading it but for the ov of baby Luna CAN I EDIT THIS? My inner grammar Nazi died thirteen times, don't get me wrong, this is great but it needs a severe rehash.
I could make a reference, but it would be in poor taste.
I don't like the rape element, however this does seem like it will be an interesting story. However, I really think that you need to get an editor as I noticed plenty of tense shifts, misspellings and grammatical errors, including run-on sentences. This story could be made a bit better if it was edited.
1498152
Ok it was good but the spelling errors and the misplaced words hurt me a bit to read if you could fix those or even get someone to fix it hell I will even fix it if you will let me.
DID YOU WRITE THIS ON AN IPHONE? sorry just fix it please.
I just now read the first chapter and like it. It sucks that he was rape and for once the male is the victim. Not the other way around. I read one more chapter then it off to bed with me.
Looks like you really love the word "as" Your sentences are also too long, but this story is interesting anyway so let's give it a try
2043759 yes
2543436 Im sorry, but that blunt answer with the avatar pic of a poker face celestia just makes the comment really funny
so, I understand this is a very old chapter, but I might as well give my two cents.
The execution is a little flawed. There isn't an execution in ideas done terribly, but the way in which the pacing can be far too dull, boring and repetitive (I.e., descriptions long and dry as a desert, word of advice, just stick to what is essential in a description to make it feel like it plays a part in the story. We don't care about mapping out every single object in a room / clearing) and other times it would go by way too fast.
That makes me think twice about a story before going through it, because if the execution will make me skip through lots of useless stacks of text doing nothing but overcompensating the description of everything and rushing to get through any of the story important events asap, I'd be hard pressed in continuing with reading the story.
Conclusion, the first chapter could have been much better than this. If the focus is scrambled like this on pointless stacks of text, as readers, we could potentially forget what the focus was set on previously and that is making a story not just difficult to read, but also very forgettable.
Also, for a further reference, you could take a look at this article which explains better than I could, with examples, when there is such a thing as too much description in a story:
Explaining too much | Writing
i dont like clop but when you said thumbs this down u gained alot of respect from me and i thumbed you up and i will give ur clop fic a chance!
, sunnydays06
you dont like clop???
The story itself is a good one, but your sentence structure is terrible. Your sentences are either too short, too long, or just don't have the right punctuation. My suggestion is you find a good editor who can point out these mistakes. I give this fic a 4/10, but i am willing to give it an extra three points if the grammatical mistakes are corrected.
Somepony suggested this fic to me - and I'm glad they did! This thoroughly intrigues me as one of my story has a human in anthro pony Equestria. Anyway, more you, less me.
Let's begin.
I clearly understand how it transitions from scene to scene, but grammar, and other elements of writing is poorly done. Is that a bad thing? No. You can proofread it yourself or find an editor to fix the many mistakes.
In all; 6/10
I'll further explain. Other than grammar and mistakes, your flow and sentence structure isn't that good. I found myself reading a sentence a few times to understand it. There's also run-on sentences.
-3 for Grammar, Flow, and Sentence Structure
-1 for careless mistakes
I know how people can brush off small mistakes - but you have many. Try to edit it and prettify the title and such. Center the title and bold the transitions or something.
Interesting concept, going to continue to read.