Fields and Meadows outside Ponyville by the Everfree Forest...
The wind crackled and screamed as Rainbow Dash twisted through the air like a daredevil stunt flyer, which she was. Goggled eyes narrowed in focus, her multicolour hair rippling through the air; the pegasus put herself into another high-g turn that made Neighton roll over in his grave.
“Now, for the final touch, a Sonic Rainboom!” yelled Rainbow to nopony in particular as she pulled up sharply and climbed upwards. At the appropriate height, the mare levelled out and put herself into a screaming dive.
Wind tore past her body, forcing her hair backwards like one of Rarity’s massive hair dryers, her fur flattened and her lips yanked back by the intense pressure of the air on her face.
CRACK
The sound barrier shattered and a beautiful circle of prismatic light expanded outward. Successful at her trick, Rainbow tilted her wings to level out. The ground was approaching just a little too fast for her liking.
But to the pegasus’s horror, the ground came closer and closer like a forbidding Ursa Minor stomping it’s way to town. Yanking her head up for dear life, Rainbow tried to turn herself back toward the open sky, but it wasn’t working. Exhausted by her earlier stunts, the pegasus had broken the sound barrier later than expected and was now heading too fast, too close to the ground. With no other option available, Rainbow spread out her wings, wincing as several feathers were torn from her appendages and she began to decelerate, but was too late.
THUD
In a miraculous feat of flying, Rainbow Dash managed to angle herself so that she avoided all the boulders and rocks on the meadow and cut a ditch in the ground faster than Big Mac with a plough. What was more amazing was that she landed upright, her wings only suffering from a few lost feathers. For a while, the completely dazed pegasus just lay on the soft dirt, recovering from her crash landing.
“Ouch... Well... better get back to Ponyville,” groaned Rainbow as she shifted herself, only to feel a cold tingling sensation on her chest.
“What the...” the pegasus lifted herself on her sore legs and stared down at the shiny glint of a gem. It was purple as dark as Twilight’s mane, with an entrancing sparkle that had caught the pegasus’s eye.
Rainbow chuckled, “Well, well, maybe I can get this to Rarity’s. She’ll know what to do with it.” Cyan hooves flying, the pegasus sent dirt flying this way and that way as she began to uncover the gem.
“Wow this is a big gem. Hey what’s this... UWAAGHHH!”
30 Minutes later...
Six ponies crowded around the end of Rainbow Dash’s ditch as they peered at the uncovered object with wide eyes. The pegasus had uncovered a small shining amethyst gem of remarkable quality, attached to a helmet of shining gold. What she also unearthed though was the bleached white skull of a pony. With a small ‘EEP’, Fluttershy vanished, soon followed by Rarity swooning
“Looks like you weren’t pulling anypony’s leg after all Rainbow,” stammered Twilight nervously.
“I told you it wasn’t a prank! Why didn’t anypony, but Pinkie believe me?” protested Rainbow. The other four mares in question glared at the pegasus, who blushed sheepishly. Taking a deep breath, Twilight focused her attention on a spell and her horn began to glow.
A soft concentrated wind blew steadily into the ditch, slowly whistling away the dirt and debris and slowly, the skull and helmet came clearly into focus. As the spell continued on, dirt was continuously taken by the wind, revealing vertebrae enclosed in golden strips of armour. This was soon followed by another glimmer of gold, which heralded the sides of a burnished golden cuirass, the leather straps that once held it together rotted by age. As the spell progressed, small bones, once the structure of wings, revealed the deceased as a pegasus. Finally, flank armour and golden hoof shoes were exposed.
Ending her sorcery, Twilight’s horned dimmed as she surveyed the remains. The pony was lying on its side, coated in full armour, but the unicorn couldn’t see any signs to indicate how he or she died. A part of her wanted to vomit the coffee and hay fries she had for lunch. Yet, another part of her was stirred with her usual scientific curiosity. Who was this pony? Was it a he or she? Why was the body in this location?
Surprisingly enough, it was Fluttershy who broke the silence and sent a shockwave through her five friends.
“It’s a mare!” gasped the pegasus, causing everypony to stare at her. Somehow undaunted by the attention, the shy pegasus rambled on.
“I remember reading up on pony anatomy before getting my vet license. This pony has a smaller, more rounded head and bigger eye sockets. I think stallions tend to have longer snouts and smaller eye sockets.”
Fluttershy then cringed and blinked as her eyes began to tear up. Fighting back the urge to sob, the pegasus took a deep breath and asked the question everypony had been wondering.
“I mean... but how... How did she come to be in a place like this?” Twilight shook her head, a determined look on her face.
“I don’t know Fluttershy, but I intend to find out. Can you help Rainbow Dash to the hospital? She may feel fine, but her wings need to be checked. Then go and fetch the police ponies. Meanwhile, I’m going to first attempt to date this pony and try to find out how long has it been lying here,” said Twilight. The two pegasi nodded and made their way slowly for Ponyville.
“Twilight, I do think that this poor mare has... passed on for some time,” blurted out Rarity. The lavender unicorn blinked her eyes and regarded the fashion designer.
“What makes you think that Rarity?” asked Twilight. The fashion designer took a stick with her magic and pointed to the helmet and the armour.
“While I generally stick to mare’s designs, two years back there was a sudden demand for military inspired clothing. Attempting to draw inspiration, I looked back at the different uniforms and armour worn by the Royal Guard. I can tell that this style of armour is old and hasn’t been manufactured for at least twenty years. The poor dear must have died a long time ago,” explained the unicorn.
“A long, long, long, long, long time ago! Look at the dirt! It’s really firm and compacted! And look at her lance!” spoke Pinkie.
“Lance?” frowned Twilight as she gazed closer at the debris, only to have Pinkie Pie sandwich her head with her hooves and turn it towards the rusted and fragile remains of the weapon. The trail of shards and fungal growth indicated that part of it was still under the deceased’s right side.
“Judging by the decay, the decomposition rate of wood and the oxidization rate of steel, she’s been here foooreeever! Maybe a thousand years!” exclaimed the party pony, the only pony able to understand what she said being Twilight.
“Uh, sugarcube, how do ya know all of this?” asked Applejack, completely confused by the output of information.
“Oh that’s easy! It comes from growing up on a rock farm! You have to know what’s a rock, and what’s not a rock!” replied Pinkie cheerfully.
“Wow... Well... thanks to Pinkie and Rarity, I think I know which spell to use. Since this pony has been dead for such a long time, I’m going to use a specific type of time-dating spell. It’ll tell me how old any pony is within two thousand years,” said Twilight. With that, the unicorn lit her horn and took a small scalpel from her saddlebag. With great precision, Twilight cut a small sample of bone from the pony and cast her spell.
There was a soft sizzle as the bone burnt up and disappeared to the surprise of the observing ponies.
“Twilight, what didya do this time? You done and burnt up the bone!” gasped Applejack.
“That’s what the spell is supposed to do Applejack. You see, everypony in Equestria possesses a certain amount and form of magic. For unicorns it is the ability to physically manifest magic, in simple terms, to be able to cast spells. For pegasi, magic enables them the power of weather manipulation. For earth ponies like you, it’s limited control over organic matter. When everypony... dies, the magic inside the remains decomposes and leaches back out into the ground, rejoining Equestria’s magic field. Given that we now know the average amount of magic per pony and per pony species has when he or she is alive, we can calculate how long a pony has died by comparing the value of magic their remains have to the average amount of magic of a live pony. What I did was convert this sample back into magic to get an average of how much magic the remains have. Now given the density of the bone and the amount of magic the bone has...”
“Um, pardon me Twalight, but can ya please just tell us how old she is?” asked Applejack. Twilight paused and muttered a series of complex equations, unintelligible numbers and parameters. After a moment, Twilight’s eyes widened in shock.
“According to my calculations, mind you I haven’t triple checked this yet... this pony has been dead for about a little over a thousand years.”
I'm liking this begining. No discernable misspells, bad syntax, or good old bad engrish. Most impressive. I'll be watching this. Keep up the good work.
1571131 thanks! I'll be getting the other chapters out sometime on or after Remembrance Day... Nov 12 basically.
This looks promising. o3o
No glaring errors that jump out at me right away, which is good. It has a nice flow to it.
1571267 thanks and thanks for the fav!
Nice, I've been needing a new darker fic to be following.
So far it looks really good, i'm interested to see what happened to the soldier, nightmare war perhaps?
1573957 it'll be more sad dark than actual dark. I'll be getting into the COD soon enough. again, thanks for the fav!
Nice start, can't wait to see what happened, and how you get her there.
1575191 All will be revealed.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors helping Authors
Name of Story: Remembering the Fallen
Grammar score out of 10: 7. I noticed some lacking, or unnecessary, commas in many places, but they were sparse and didn't interrupt the reading. One thing that was overused were your ellipses, the '...'. You seemed to use them frequently in place of commas, in some places it could be seen as necessary, but in others, not.
Pros
I like the concept
The characters actually seemed very well written, none seemed out of character and I really liked the moments with Pinkie's sudden burst of knowledge
It was very clear to picture some scenes with the detail you gave
Cons
Some detail took away from the flow of reading
Lack of commas, or overuse of ellipses
Lack of detail in some areas
Notes:
I like the idea behind the story, first of all. One thing I noticed, from the very first paragraph, was your detail. The downside is that you don't keep that detail consistent where it needs to be, or vague where it should be. The first scene, with Rainbow Dash, drags on slightly due to the details include, where it should be more vague to streamline a more 'action-focused' scene. That first scene shows a problem of overwriting, one problem I face as well. This problem bogs the prose down considerably, leaving it dense and hard to read. It also has a tendency to come across a bit silly (just like overacting) in the more extreme examples. For starters, don’t overuse adjectives. There were a lot of adjectives used, just as an example, in the first Rainbow Dash scene where it could have been simpler.
Don’t be afraid to keep your language choice a bit simpler. Longer, more complex words are not always better, as they often just aren’t necessary. While there may be an assumption that shorter, faster prose appeals more to a slightly less ‘technically inclined’ audience, this really isn’t the case. Simpler doesn’t have to mean basic, nor does it have to mean dull. Be efficient, be emotive, and be descriptive, just don’t overdo it.
Enjoy your review, and if you'd like an editor, although I am not the best, send me a private message.
Please help me out by looking at my story: Iron Vein