A filly pegasus. A fire that took her family. A secret. An encounter that will change the life of the pegasus that found her forever.
Chapters (4)
Ghost Walker
Joined 7th Oct, 2012 ·
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Hi-ho, Deep Pond of the Train Wreck Explorers here! I have a snazzy hat and everything, and I'm here to give your story a good lookin'-at.
i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg
Hmm . . . you're double spacing your paragraphs, your spelling and grammar is mostly good, you're starting a new paragraph for each new speaker . . . so far, so good.
OC is a pegasus, normal pony name, good, good. I can't comment on his appearance since he's not described, which is something you need to fix.
That last sentence is actually a sentence fragment, and should be either expanded into a full sentence or combined with the previous one.
You switch briefly to first-person perspective, then back. I'm guessing this was originally in first-person, but you decided to change to third.
He hasn't actually done anything yet. Also, this is a case of show-don't-tell: it's better to show us Daybreak being comforting than tell us that he is.
Speaking of, the dialogue between Daybreak and Ashes is a little dry. You need more description there: let's see Daybreak speaking softly, smiling reassuringly, trying to get her to focus on him rather than her own grief.
Missed a capital here.
*action* works in chat or forums, but not in proper writing. This should be described, thusly:
Thoughts are usually indicated with italics, which makes it much easier to distinguish thoughts from speech.
First, you've suddenly jumped to present tense instead of past tense. This is odd, and I strongly recommend sticking to past tense.
Second, you've summed things up pretty fast there. Either describe the scene and elaborate more, or simply jump ahead to Daybreak sitting in the waiting room. Since the last scene ended with him taking Ashes to the hospital, we can intuit that he got her there, the nurses took charge of her, and he currently doesn't know what her condition is.
Technical note: not eating for "days" wouldn't make her smaller than a pony her age should be (though it would make her weak and emaciated). I would expect a doctor to use terms like "she seems malnourished," or something like that.
More skipping between past and present tense.
Overall, this is pretty decent. I recommend fixing the tense issue and working on your description a bit. You might also consider finding a proofreader/editor to tidy up your grammar, which is okay but not great.
I like how you ended the chapter, but you missed a golden opportunity: you could have described Nightbreeze, thus letting us know what Daybreak looks like (since Ashes thought he was Nightbreeze, they're presumably twins).
Needs work, but shows promise. Fix up your problems and you should have a quality story here. Good luck!
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight of Gak
1616301 Listen, You are not doing anything wrong by commenting on this story, but bronies/pegasisters like you just piss me off. Who the hell are you to go around and post a review on a story without them asking you too? Seriously, I'm fine with what you posted. It's not one of those hateful reviews, but seriously, it's rude to review others stories without them wanting you too. I've seen enough people doing it on new stories and they just spam hateful things over every little mistake. I don't know where you reviewers come from but seriously... it's not nice...
I am not trying to be mean to you or tell you to stop this but could you just let them ask you to review it before you do? I'm not sure if that's the case here but with how you started your comment it didn't look like that to me.
1618366
In a word, no.
FiMFiction is a public forum. When somepony posts their story here, it is for the public to read. We have a nifty little comment system so readers can post their thoughts. I posted my thoughts about this story. I wasn't rude, I didn't flame, and I was on-topic. If an author doesn't want to listen to the public, they can just send their story to their friends via email.
I, and most of the reviewers here, are here to help budding authors. You can tell because I'm pointing out the author's mistakes so they can be corrected, not just saying "This story sucks!" This is called constructive criticism, and it is one of the most valuable things a writer can get. It's sadly true that most of those who need criticism the most don't realize they do, so they're not going to seek out groups like the TWE and ask for help. That's why we look for new stories, and stories with more dislikes than likes: those are the authors most likely to need advice, and most likely to benefit from advice.
I find it amusing that you chose to confront me on this story, which is actually pretty decent, as opposed to one of several really terrible stories I've reviewed.
1616301
First, I would like to say, thank you for your review. You have pointed out many errors that will get fixed(possibly).
With the whole switching from first-person to third-person, this chapter(and whole storyline) went through a lot of transitions. I've been working on this for a month(on and off due to college, college band trip to Indianapolis, working on another chapter for my other story) so it's been through different stages so to say. So there were some of those mistakes that got through unfortunately. As for the description, for this one, I wasn't to sure how to describe this story without revealing some surprises. I mean, even the ending was a last minute idea.
1618366
Please don't be mad at him. All the blame goes toward me. I should have been clear(at least in the description or somewhere in the story) that I am fine with constructive reviews. It is the only way I can get better. Other writers on here have someone who can proof-read for them or make edits or something but i'm going solo.
(I will reply with more later. It's about 2am here)
1619447
When I said "description," I actually meant describing stuff in the story, not the little blurb that gets people interested. That seems fine, aside from capitalizing "Filly Pegasus" for some reason.
I hope you do fix it up, because I want to see where it goes!
1616301
And, because the law of proportions compels me, I'd like to thank you for being such a good chap and taking the time to offer such assistance.
May or may not take yours on @ the Training Grounds, but it's good to see you keep at it, Caveman. Atta lad.
1619920
One thing I would like to add. Yes, i missed an opportunity to describe the characters but I wanted to leave that up to the imagination of the reader. Let the reader feel like he/she is contributing to the story by imagining who the character is. I only set it up to them being Pegasus for a plot device to work down the line. Only one thing I will reveal, The fire was no accident.
1619920
I fixed the capitalization problem you pointed out(even though i'm like a month off.)