Well, who in god's name put a pony here?
"uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhn." I groaned. I just hate waking up on a saturday morning, don't you? I looked at the alarm clock and saw that the time was 8:34. Am I the only person whose body clock makes him wake up at this time? Anyways, I decided to just lay there for a little while. I decided that 8:59 was a good enough time to get up, so I did. I usually look down before I get out of bed, because my room is usually so messy, and this day, of all days, I saw something that made me the most confused person in the world. A small bed was next to mine, and on it was a girl, who was completely naked.
She had purple hair with one large pink highlight running down the center of her bangs. She was light skinned, but also with a slightly oriental feeling about her. Her eyelashes seemed slightly larger than normal for her age. Her age, itself appeared to be around mine, 13. "H-hello?" I asked, unsure of what to think. Instantly, her eyes shot open, and I saw them for what they were. They were a deep purple, and they seemed to reflect a deep sense of knowledge and wisdom well beyond her years. She let out a small, surprised gasp, and looked down at herself and screamed. Not knowing what to do, I also started to scream bloody murder and ducked back behind the covers.
After a few minutes, we both decided to look over at each other again. "H-hello?" I asked, not at all certain at what is going on. "Hello... what are you... what am I?" She asked, looking up at me from under her bed sheets. "Well, I am Noah. I am a human. I would have expected you to know that. Now tell me who you are, as you are in my house."
She had a look of confusion in her eye, and I soon learned why. "You are a human? I have never heard of you before." She got a very apologetic tone and said "I am so sorry to drop in like this. I don't know how I got here. My name is Twilight Sparkle." As she was talking, her covers slowly slid down her chest as she sat upright, and she had no look of embarrassment on her face, as you would expect. I tossed her a shirt that was laying on my floor, and she looked at it as if I had handed her a 3-piece-suit.
"What is this for?" she asked. I got slightly red in the face as I catalogued her body for later. "Put it on. You shouldn't show your self naked to strangers." She put it on hesitantly, as if not used to putting on shirts. Actually, she looked as if she had never been in her body before. She gave me a look, and it said that she was not wearing pants either. I got out of bed, still in my school uniform, and picked up a pair of pants and underwear and gave it to her. Strange, I didn't think she would fit in them. She was skinnier than me, so I handed her my belt. She put it on, and we moved ourselves to the living room.
"Who are you, exactly?" i asked. The only other audible noise was the ticking of the great grandfather clock. She started to give me the basic plot outline of my Little Pony, and with her hair and her confusion of clothes and her body, I had to accept that as a possible outcome. "So you're telling me that you are a pony that lives in ponyville and you have no idea how you got here?" She nodded her head enthusiastically.
Oh, what a perfect time for my mother to come out of her room. She looked sleepily at my, and then turned to inspect Twilight. she seemed in a daze until that moment, and realising that there is an unknown female in my general proximity, and knowing that those were my clothes, you could tell that she was just as confused as I was at the start, if not a little more. "WHAT THE H*LL IS GOING ON HERE!?"
Writing out what happened next would probably end up with two possible outcomes, Twilight being thrown into an insane asylum, or her being accepted into the house, I will leave it up to you to decide how it got to the point of acceptance. Anyways, long story short, we agreed to adopt Twilight into the household if she agreed to do a bunch of different chores. She readily jumped at the offer, as she had nowhere else to stay, and she began to tell us about her. I clung to every word as my mother, who was more than open to the idea of ponies appearing out of thin air as humans, looked like she had better things to.
My mother left the area and I had the troublesome job of explaining human etiquette to Twilight. Oh, you should have seen her face when she learned of our omnivorous nature. She looked perplexed at why we wear clothes at all times, instead of for special occasions. She had the heartiest laugh when I told her about the internet. She was all around interested in our way of life.
A thought struck me while I was explaining sci-fi/fantasy to Twilight. "Hey, didn't you mention being able to use magic?" She gave me a look as if I had just asked if dwarfs were short and had beards. "Yes, I can." "Well, how about levitating that can over there?" I indicated towards the coke can I use as a decoration on the coffee table. She looked at it intensely, and she pointed her fingers at it. A purple aura surrounded her fingers, and then the can had the same aura around it as well. It started to lift up, and up, and up, and up, until it touched the ceiling, where she it slowly began its descent. I gasped at the display. I looked at her and said "Well, this sure is something. I doubt anyone in this world can do that."
Well, I am getting slightly bored at this part, so I'll just let you imagine the explanation of human history and human attributes from the standpoint of an american to a human that used to be a pony.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, this is chapter one! Sorry if it feels a bit rushed around, but I could not find a way to how to get Twilight to stay where I wanted her without just skipping over parts. Other than that, I hope you have enjoyed this! Hopefully I won't procrastinate uploading parts, but you should expect more later this week, if not tomorrow. Bye! -Sir Robin
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Your description alone made my night. I don't even know how to respond to that.
Thanks, but no. Arrogance isn't a good look on anyone.
The first thing my mind jumped to when I finished reading the description:
caffination.com/wp-content/uploads//2011/08/Lemon-shirt.jpg
1572017
Is that a portal 2 reference I see?
1572090 Oh. I thought I was being subtle. Well, how's this?
images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/25700000/chell-and-GLaDOS-portal-2-25784808-1200-756.jpg
HI I'm Stalwart, and I'm here to edit your story a bit.
first glance: okay by me now to the edits,
i think it has potential over all
i loved that Cave Johnson and Portal 2 ref. keep going!
you don't have to bold your author note ex: Well - Well
you overdid your author line which was over all not needed ex: ------ : nothing
if you are to curse (i hope in moderation), please don't censor it (in my opinion) it looks horrible in books and stuff
everything else is okay! over all a 7/10 and if its over 5 its a like!
-stalwart
1572300 No attempts at sxual referance here. just saying what would happen. Ponies sleep naked, yes? Well, I doubt she had time to change before appearing out of nowhere.
Hm. How to go about this... you know, I'll just spare you the empty praise and just tell you what's wrong with this.
First off: self-insert. That's a massive no-no. Self-insert characters never, I repeat, never work well. No matter what, you always see yourself as better than you are (if you don't, then there's something wrong with you), and as a result, self-insert characters – except when written by a very experienced and disciplined author – are as a rule unrealistically perfect. They fall perfectly into the "Mary Sue" archetype: that of a character with a flat personality, no flaws, and a seemingly maxed-out Charisma stat.
Second: bad grammar. I know you said not to rage about it, but that's exactly what I'm going to do. Good grammar and spelling is like the presentation of a restaurant dish: you may have been told that it's Cordon Bleu, but if it looks like a dog's breakfast, are you really going to be that interested? Aside from general plotline and writing style, grammar is the single-most important thing to have in a story. There was a time when I would overlook bad grammar if the story had a good plot, but no longer. In my eyes, it is an inexcusable offence.
Third: Plausibility. As in, this has none. You just wake up, and here's Twilight Sparkle in your room, humanized, for no apparent reason. Then, of course, there's the issue of some random girl with no ID, birth certificate, or any kind of records (an unperson, as George Orwell would say), not to mention one under the age of consent, being adopted into a household. Adoption generally requires the consent of the foster parents/orphanage/wherever the kid came from, and is actually a very convoluted legal process.
Fourth: Censoring yourself. Why? Seriously, if you have the need to censor something as mild as "hell", don't even bother using it.
Now, I understand that this is probably your first experience with writing, and am probably wondering what you did to deserve this kind of treatment. Believe it or not, I'm being lenient. You just have to learn something: you can't put out a badly planned story that absolutely reeks of wish fulfillment and expect it to be well received.
My advice to you is simply this: if you want to learn to be a good writer, you need to read. I mean a lot. Don't just limit yourself to one genre, either. Read comedy, suspense, fantasy, SF, horror... anything and everything that piques your interest. That's what I did before I started writing, and it worked pretty damn well, if I do say so myself.
Listen, bud. I'ma give you some advice. I am thirteen myself -- beginning of the school year, in fact -- and I will tell you a secret: NEVER USE YOUR AGE AS AN EXCUSE FOR WRITING PROBLEMS. It's one thing, say, you use it to explain why you wouldn't be able to write for a while, but it's quite another when used in this instance. People are always going to judge you more harshly because of it.
Really nice work
1572642 cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/22086205.jpg
I'm going to give you some suggestions...
Thing the first: keep writing. Practice practice practice. You can become a good author if you're willing to accept being a bad one for a while. It's a process we ALL go through.
Thing the second: when people correct your grammar in story, go edit it to fix it as they recommend. This is practice in good grammar.
Thing the third: one of the advantages of writing is the chance to explore a perspective other than your own. Maybe re-write the story, except telling it from Twilight's perspective. This gives you an excuse to do detailed descriptions, as it would be her first time encountering many things.
Which helps with thing the fourth: you can get away with nudity in an "everyone" rating so long as you're clever with camera angles to not show it directly. Heck, Twilight might not understand why the bipeds are wearing clothing, which could set up some funny moments as she wonders why everyone is staring at her. Remember, she isn't Rarity.
I agree with Metboy, keep writing. Remember the first time you rode a bike? remember how hard it was to cycle without side wheels? well see it like that, just keep practicing and eventually you will learn it and get the hang of it. as for the story, It isn't too bad it could be alot worse ^^
1573209 I have never ridden a bike :(
1573234
This is a joke right?.... if you're serious I'm sorry in my country we learn how to ride them when we are like 4-5 years old. Well see it as CoD or BattleField or Halo, at first you suck but later on you get better ^^
It's not so bad, I've definately read worse. Keep writing, fix the grammar a bit, and it could be a pretty good story.
1573240 I don't play those. It is like WoW then...
1573292 Well, fancy that
1573292 Do you really use that on effectively every story you read, no matter what you think of it?
1573304 Don't ruin my moment
1573304 It's used sarcastically, mostly.
1573287
Like when you first play WoW when you don't know what the various stats do, so have no idea which of the offered quest rewards is best for you, but you chose one that looks nice, and play/enjoy the game. You stumble your way along learning how to do things better. For a lot of the dungeon/raid bosses you need to learn how the fight works. Sometimes you learn the big 'don't's for fights by making mistakes, and sometimes even causing party wipes. Extending the simile, watching videos of boss battles with commentaries on what different roles do is like reading stuff by other authors.
Clearly you enjoy writing on some level, or you wouldn't have posted this story. That puts you ahead of where I was when I was 13 years old and hated writing. Keep writing, keep finding ways to improve.
Just KEEP WRITING!
Seriously, the ability to communicate clearly in text is mad useful as an adult; time you spend writing for fun is not wasted.
1572300 Agreed!
I would consider everypony in the mane 6 to be either 18 or 19, Twilight I would probably go for 18
Just Stop this story right here. Sorry but no plot. Where does it lead? And NEVER use your self in stories, base the character around you but never yourself.
Sincerely,
Rarity
Plese MOAR
that is if u dnt mind 