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Ponies ahoy! (big american prologue)4,096 words
I am a princess!3,122 words
Terrorist activities2,580 words
Special eyes3,336 words
Laser duel4,383 words
Behold, blessed slaughter2,320 words
Eugoogalizer3,040 words
Army of Halos2,456 words
Halo party2,218 words
Crunchy yet satisfying2,066 words
Good, clean forest fun2,169 words

Terrorist activities

The thousand nations of the covenant empire descend upon you. Our lasers will blot out the sun!

Then we'll hump in the shade.

Dear Princess Celery and Luna;

I hate to be so forward, but I think it's very clear that I am not happy with either of you or your actions. To be specific, the part where you two sent me to the wrong dimension for twenty years. Now, I'm not the kind of halo to hold a grudge, but what you did was unacceptable. I helped you out of the goodness of my heart and you let me down. I had half a mind to refuse your latest request for help purely out of spite, but the other half of my mind knew that you would just send me to the wrong dimension again if I did. I don't even want to risk getting sent to a hentai tentacle dimension.

I'd like to take this time to say that me calling you 'Celery' is not a compliment. In the halo culture, even the mention of vegetables is frowned upon, so you can trust me when I say it's extremely derogatory. Luna, I couldn't think of an insulting nickname for you, so I'll just state facts. You'll never be as tall as your sister. Your horn is too long compared to your body (same goes for you Celery). Worst of all, you snore really loud. I'd know, I accidently wandered into your room last night. I see why they call you 'princess of the night', you're a really heavy sleeper. Don't ask how I got past the guards, that will forever be a mystery.

Now then, I have a Ponyville to get to.

Signed a very disgruntled Halo man

PS: This is your warning. If you send me to the wrong dimension again I'll slice your fucking throats.

I put down the sheet of paper and quill, satisfied with my elite writing skills. And not like one of those aliens called elites. I imagine they have a tuff time writing with only three fingers. In fact, it's probably hard to do anything with only three fingers. Now that I think about it, how do they reproduce? They don't have any genitals!

Whatever, I can think about alien sex later. When I'm all alone in bed, perhaps...

I rolled up the letter while standing up from the writing desk stretching my back as I looked out the window. The sun was already coming up... "Well that's just great, I guess I'm not getting any sleep tonight then..." I was up literally the entire night trying to find my way back to my room. This castle is really confusing. It didn't help that a bunch of guards were all over my dick about 'breaking and entering' and 'assaulting a guard'. I feel like those aren't actual crimes and they're just discriminating against me cuz I'm purple.

The white ponies are always tryin' ta' keep me down. At least I got my strongly worded letter written. Now the princesses will know I mean business.

I walked into the bathroom, eager to get ready for a new day. There was some toothpaste and a couple of toothbrushes on the counter and I grabbed the purple one. Purple is my favorite color! I spread a huge glob of toothpaste onto the brush, just like I've seen on commercials, and proceeded to scrub my visor.

"Halo man?" I heard someone call from the other room.

I spat out a visorful of toothpaste and turned towards the half-open door. "What?"

"The door was open so I came in. I hope you don't mind." Now that she was closer, I could tell it was Twilight Sparkle doing the talking. I pushed the bathroom door open so we could have a proper conversation.

"Not at all. What's up?" She just stared at me like I was crazy. What, has she never seen a guy clean his visor before?

She continued to gape at me for a few moments before finally prying her eyes away from my toothpaste covered face. "Uh... I thought I'd tell you we're leaving in a few minutes."

"C-c-cool beans. I'll be done in a minute."

She stayed there for a few seconds after that, looking hesitant, before finally asking her question. "Why are you wiping toothpaste on your face?"

"To fight gum disease and tarter build up. What else is toothpaste for?"

"Oooookaaaaay... I'll just, go wait with the others..." She quickly turned and left, leaving me to finish my business in peace. I went back to the sink and washed the toothpaste away before drying off with a towel.

I took a moment to admire my freshly cleaned visor in the mirror, noting how sparkly it was. "Lookin' good!" I exclaimed while making a pointing gesture towards my reflection. I still need to shave, but that can wait till later. With most of my hygienic needs sated, I walked out into the hall where the other ponies were talking amongst themselves. Before I even had a chance to speak, Pinkie Pie was all up in my face.

"Wooooah. I can see my reflection on your face!"

"Yes. I can also see you in my face..." I stated bluntly as she moved her head back and forth to see how her reflection distorted.

"Pinkie! Get off Mr. Halo man's face. It's very rude." Scolded Rarity. I thought I already told her that Mr. Halo man was my father... Whatever, that was last time I was here. She probably forgot.

"Awwww." Pinkie complained, but jumped off of me all the same. Now finally being able to see, I took a look at the group of ponies before me. To my pleasant surprise, I found something I had left here before sitting on the floor.

"My hat!" I cried out in joy as I picked the yellow and pink thing up, setting it on my head. I never thought I'd see this again. To my surprise, it lout out a squeak as I put it on. The other ponies stared at me like I was crazy once again. They really need to stop doing that, I'm not crazy.

"Umm... Darling... That's not a hat." Stated Rarity.

"What?" I was shocked by such bold accusations, especially coming from her. I thought she was a refined, high-class pony. Also, I've seen her wear big weird hats multiple times... "Not a hat? Than why am I wearing it on my head?" It was a solid argument, so imagine my surprise when she actually had a rebuttal.

"That's a good question. Why are you wearing poor Fluttershy on your head?" So they gave the hat a name? How cute.

"Poor? I treat my hats with the utmost resect. I dare say that it should be honored to grace my head with its physical being."

"It's ok." Said my hat in a quiet voice. "I don't mind being a hat. Um, if that's alright."

"See, my hats like me."

"She never lets me wear her like a hat..." Grumbled Rainbow Dash just loud enough for us to hear.

Rarity looked slightly shocked, but she didn't press the issue anymore. After several moments of awkwardness, a guard approached our group. He glared at me for a few seconds- maybe he's one of the ones that was harassing me last night-, before turning to the other ponies. "The carriage is ready. Follow me please." The group of us followed him out to a courtyard with a golden chariot thing sitting in it. On the front there was a pair of pegasi strapped into harnesses.

"I call shotgun!" Shouted Pinkie as she jumped like thirty feet through the air and into the cart. I swear, that pony is part velociraptor. Either that or one or both of her parents were grass hoppers. The rest of us all walked up and took our positions in the cart like normal people.

"Oh yeah." I said, turning back to the guard that accompanied us and handing him my letter. "I need you to take this letter to the princesses. It's very important."

Turning away from him, I took a seat criss-cross-applesauce on the floor of the carriage before chuckling to myself. "What's so funny?!" Asked Pinkie, who was instantly up in my face.

"I'm just thinking about how ironic it is that ponies are pulling ponies." What's next? Ponies riding ponies? That'll be the day.

"I don't get it..." Said Twilight. "I don't see anything ironic about that."

I decided to drop the subject instead of getting in a debate about irony. It wasn't that funny anyway... "So how long will this trip take?" I hope it isn't that long. Sitting still doesn't sound like a lot of fun.

"Like forty minutes." Complained Rainbow Dash. "I could totally get there in like half the time, but these guards are all slow."

The guards seemed to hear her and rolled their eyes in response. It was clear that they weren't going to give a comeback to that, so I took the initiative. "Maybe if you lost some weight they could fly faster."

Rainbow Dash was instantly pointing an accusing hoof at me. "Are you calling me fat?"

I gently pushed her hoof away. "I'm not calling you anything. I'm simply giving suggestions on what you could do to speed this trip up."

"Oh yeah? 'Cuz I'm pretty sure you called me fat!" She replied in a combative tone.

"If you weren't sensitive about your weight, you wouldn't get so upset about this." I continued in a calm voice. If my many years of trolling have taught me anything, it's how to keep my cool. "So tell me, miss Dash. Are you fat?"

"Will you two stop?!" Butted in Twilight. "Why do you get in arguments with everypony?" The second question was directed towards me. Why do I get in arguments with everyone? I don't know, I guess it's funny. I just replied with a shrug.

"You should probably take Fluttershy off your head, dear." Said Rarity, pointing towards my cool hat. "We don't want her falling out of the carriage once we take off." Take off? Carriages don't even fly. Stupid Rarity... I doubt we could even get any lift with this thing. It looks about as aerodynamic as my ball sack, which is to say, not very. Not to mention it has no turbines or wings or anything to provide lift.

I doubt that this thing will go any faster than maybe five miles an hour. I really don't think my hat would fly off at that speed. I was about to argue that point with her, when Twilight cleared her throat, reminding me of what she just said. Instead of saying anything, I simply took my hat off and placed it on the floor of the carriage.

"Thank you, dear."

"Yeah, yeah... When are we getting this thing moving?" As if to answer my question, the two stallions pulling the cart flared their wings and galloped forward. Suddenly they started flapping and the whole cart got pulled up into the air. I covered my head, sure that us flying through the air like that meant we were about to crash and explode.

After a few moments of not exploding, I let go of my head seeing that we were just flying through the air despite all laws of physics saying that it shouldn't be possible. Whatever, the laws of physics are more like guidelines anyway. I looked over to see Rainbow Dash snickering at my attempts at self preservation.

No one snickers at me and gets away with it! "Hey, you know what this is?" I asked as I pulled a plasma grenade off my belt and waved it in her face. Her and Twilight locked their gazes on the blue ball in my hand. I already told Twilight what it was, so she looked understandably nervous.

"What? A ball?" Rainbow asked.

"No. It's an explosive." I said with a snicker of my own. "It would be a shame if they went off while we were all stuck up here on this tiny aircraft." Thankfully the ponies haven't invented airport security or I'd never be aloud to take an explosive on here. Rainbow instantly lost her grin and backed away from me slightly. Victory for the Halo man! I am best terrorist.

That brought back some good memories of my time killing aliens with the other Master Chiefs. At the time, we were running around in some space station. Like always, we murdered everything that moved- I made extra sure to murder every single human in the whole place- when we found a bunch of sticky detonators lying around. They're more or less just grenade launchers that shoot out sticky grenades that explode really big.

Anyway, we were running around committing mass murder, when we started sticking the grenades on each other like the intelligent halos that we are. Naturally, that resulted in our very painful deaths multiple times, but we just respawned like always. Eventually, I got a really good idea, though.

"Hey guys, stick all your grenades on me. I have a really good idea." I told them. So they did, and I soon had three big flashy things stuck to my body. "Now don't splode them." I warned before running into the next room.

Inside, there was a group of aliens just minding their own business. They probably had families back home, but I don't give a shit. I just put up my laser shield to absorb their lasers before slowly walking at them.

Once I got close, I let out my best stereotypical terrorist screech while putting away my shield. "Ayaayayayaya, praise Bungie!" Now that I was close to the group of elites and bird things with shields, they ran up and punched me to death.

Big mistake. As soon as I died the charges stuck to my body went off, resulting in a huge explosion and their deaths. I respawned moments later, now one step closer to Nirvana. Or however that works...

"Put that away before you hurt somepony." Scolded Twilight, pulling me away from my memories of my time as a professional terrorist.

"Fine, fine." I conceded. She's right, the last thing we need right now is to get horribly mangled in a mid-air explosion.

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