My Little Transformers Prime is Magic Episode 1 Giant Alien Robots Among Ponies by Evan Carlton Written by Evan Carlton on November 05, 2012
It was a normal beautiful day in Ponyville in the land of Equestria when suddenly a ship crashed down and outcame several evil Decepticons.
The ponies of Ponyville were fleeing and running away in terror when suddenly The Autobots came and quickly defeated several Decepticon soldiers.
Optimus Prime told the ponies of Ponyville "do not fear us small ones we are Autobots we are on your side, the robots that attacked you earlier were Decepticons.
Rarity asked in the trademark British accent that she talks in "why who is the yellow and black umm Autobot over there I dare say his design and color scheme is smashing."
Since Bumblebee can't talk in Transformers Prime or the Transformers movies and can only make beeping noises Optimus Prime answered Rarity's question by saying "his name is Bumblebee he can't really talk normal sentences but he thanked you for the compliments."
Rainbow Dash asked "so which one of you is the fastest I want to race one of you."
Arcee turned into a motorcycle and told her "that would be me."
Applejack told Rainbow Dash in the trademark southern accent that all members of the Apple family talk in "best of luck Rainbow Dash."
Ratchet said "I hate to interrupt but we need to set up a base sorry Arcee and umm Rainbow Dash but you're race will have to wait until later."
Bulkhead reminded Ratchet "I don't know how we or The Decepticons got here but we already have a base set up on Earth why do we need a base in umm where ever this place is?"
Twilight Sparkle told Bulkhead "you're in Ponyville in the land of Equestria."
Just then The Autobots human friends came out of hiding and said "wait a minute did you say Ponyville why does that sound so familiar?," but then the answer came to then and then Miko, Jack and Raphael (no not the Ninja Turtle this is a completly different Raphael) all said at the same time "oh my god you're all characters from My Little Pony Friendship is Magic?"
The story ends as all six members of The Mane Six, Mayor Mare, Spike and all three members of The Cutie Mark Crusaders all ask at the same time "My Little Pony Friendship is Magic what in the name of Princess Celestia is that?" Next time on My Little Transformers Prime is Magic after a long explanation of the show and brony fandom from Jack, Miko and Raphael Arcee and Rainbow Dash finally have their race but then Starscream and Megatron show up and get in a fight with Arcee and Rainbow Dash can they beat Starscream and Megatron by themselves or will they need back up from the rest of The Autobots and the other five members of The Mane Six? Find out the answers to all these questions and more on the next exciting episode of My Little Transformers Prime is Magic. My Little Transformers Prime is Magic Episode 2 Race Interrupted: Rainbow Dash and Arcee vs. Starscream and Megatron.
Chapter 1 constructive review
Firstly, you jumped into the story very quickly with little set up or description. After the first sentence, the Decepticons have arrived and are attacking ponies. The crash itself has plenty of room for description, such as the effect it would have on the crash site (dust clouds, craters, sonic boom shattering glass, etc). This is also somewhat out of character for Megatron or Starscream, who would never randomly open fire without an opening tirade first
This story is combining the two juggernaught franchises of Hasbro. There is a vast amount of information avaliable for descriptions of all characters and locations.
Ah, where did the Autobots come from? Where they already there? and if so, how did the ponies not notice giant robots? Additionally, if the Autobots are already on the planet, then what brought down the Nemesis?
Try to avoid using human terms when describing things like accents. Rarity would have never heard of the United Kingdom. Generally she is described as having a refined Canterlot accent. (And yes I do know that Fluttershy once mentioned France. That was changed later to Fancy).
Don't mention the Transformers Prime series or Transformers movies within the confines of the story. It disrupts the flow for the reader by taking them out of the story. Either use the reason mentioned in the movies, which is that Starscream damaged Bumblebee's vocal modulator or put such information in the comments below the story.
Given that readers of this story are likely to be familiar with the Transformers Prime universe, stating that Raphael is not the Ninja Turtle is redundant. If they are not familiar with the series, then they do not know the characters at all and may be lost on some points such as personality. Some goes for the Autobots, there is no description of their apperance or tranforms. Would they change into something more appropriate for Equestria?
General gramatical issues
Missing " at end of sentence.
Multiple issues with this paragraph. It runs on for a long time without a full stop, making it harder for a reader to comprehend the entire parapgraph. Full stops give the reader a break and allows them to seperate stentences into easily digestable chunks.
Needs a colon (:) after My Little Pony.
Needs a comma after Magic.
New line after quotation marks.
Needs a comma after Raphael.
Needs a comma after race.
Needs full stop after Rainbow Dash.
Capitalise can.
New line after 'The Mane Six?'
Needs colon after Transformers
Needs a full stop after Interrupted, rather than a colon
If done right, this story could be good. It needs more description to merge the two universes.
Do what Fimbulvinter said. Do everything Fimbulvinter said.
I can't help until you correct some of the basic spelling, grammar, and pacing flaws.
I thumb it up for this only.
Rushed