After Tyler Rose killed himself, his conscious was stripped of memory and sent to Equestria by and unknown force. As a pony, he knows almost everything about Equestria, but nothing of himself but his name, Briar Rose.
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DE4DLIESTP0NY
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ts2.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4988223081941633&pid=15.1
and I haven't even read it yet. I will get back once I have.
EDIT
Okay, Let us first evaluate the topic you decided to write about: Human dies, turns into pony. This has been done by just about every single brony on this site(bar a few). Okay cliche topic, but if it is well done, it might still work.
It seems like you took the time to take the most cliche possible elements from this genre of HiE and crunch them into this story, not to mention the impossibly Gary-Stu protagonist. The elements of harmony just happen to be taking a stroll together and come across him? Then they are instantly his friend and invite this strange stallion whom they just met into their homes?
The writing is awful too. Everything is rushed. There is absolutely no character development whatsoever and you describe nothing about any of the ponies. I know we have all watched the show but you basically just said their names and explained the rest by Gary Stu here magically knowing everything about them. You didn't even keep any of them somewhat in character.
The spelling and grammar aren't as bad as the other elements of this story, but it is fairly obvious it has not been edited. There are numerous small spelling and grammar mistakes that make reading this even more uncomfortable and un-fun in every possible way.
Please, burn this and wait until you have a good idea to start writing. I understand you you need practice but c'mon... Seriously?
C'mon brah, seriously?
This is a really interesting story. I'm liking where this is going, but that might be 'cause I'm newer than most people on fimfiction.net.
You probably have heard this already, but you should get somebody to help edit your story.
It's only spelling and grammatical errors that are keeping people from liking this story.
I'd recommend adding your story to this group: Editor's Dreamland
Tell me if you find anyone who will help you with your story. Even if you don't find anyone to help you, then contact me instead. I love helping writers to make their stories better.
Really, you are more talented at this than most people. Keep writing, no matter how many bad marks you get.
static3.fjcdn.com/comments/Bitches+better+learn+their+PEMDAS+shit+son+that+s+6th+_5e8bfc3f9eb081e5a8c31989de8f876b.jpg
Edit: btw liking your own story doesn't count. So please let us nuke this from orbit.
1846243
i really don't like it when people say that
because there are a lot of terrible writers
who should never write another word
as long as they live
anyway
shadows of the past is one of the most cliched titles of all time
the past tense of shine is shone
just one example of your inability to use english properly
so like
your description talks about
how this guy doesn't know anything but his name
and then
you show
at the beginning
the main character as a human with a different name
explaining everything he doesn't know
thus rendering the story's point
(him finding out about his past or whatever)
completely nonviable to the reader
because there is no tension
or mystery
or anything
one of the other guise said
that you go too fast
and don't put any detail in
i second that
also i second myself
in saying that
you write like a 12 year old
on fanfiction.net
who has just discovered harry potter
well maybe a little better
but whatever
you try to be all dramatic
n shit
and it just falls flat
also wtf
turtle pee, yo
seriously
i'm tempted to say trolling
but i like to think
that some people
really are this pathetic
it makes my view of life
that much more negative
in conclusion
stop writing foreverget a proofreader and write multiple drafts that become more detailed and coherent each time, because that's generally how successful writers do itWell, actually, when you take the friendly nature and general FREINDLYNESS of the Elements of Harmony, it would only make sense that they would help him out. Especially Twilight, who would be curious to learn and/or cast magic.1845985
Not in Character,...? HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN THE SHOW??? That's damn near exactly what they would've said. If not, please forgive me for not being able to predict the mind of a fictional character.
1846576 Actually, I didn't like my own story, thank you very much.
1846243 God. Damn. FINALLY, somepony who didn't dorectly hate my story.....and called me talented!!!
Thank you so much!
*Directly
1848191 I forgive you, but please... Fluttershy finds strange man who she never met, covered in piss. Invites him into her house. LOLWUT
Why do all of the characters instantly trust and like your Mary Sue? They don't even ask him anything about himself, they just act like he has lived with them their whole lives. It doesn't work that way.
No reason to be mad
all I am saying is, Your story is bad and so should you feel.
EDIT: also typo in your description...
EDIT: You also seem to have overreacted to what I meant to be some helpful, albeit harsh, criticism. You immediately called it hate instead of using what I said to improve your writing skills. You should improve your social skills, and learn to take some criticism.
1849457 Well when you call somepony pathetic that's the usual response you'll get from me. I have to admit, that point you made about Fluttershy made sense, but it can't be that bad. As long as you're trying to help, do you think the others were in character?
Well, Twilight Sparkle, basically the only other one you have shown us readers currently, isn't even really a character. The same goes for "Briar Rose" as there is no character development whatsoever. If I had never watched the show and just went directly into reading your story, I would see a character, whose personality is completely nonexistent from my knowledge at the moment, magically appear in front of some other characters I have no idea about and magically know their names and everything about them. There is no description of appearance, and none of the events of the story describe their personalities. The story then proceeds to advance with these characterless characters who I have no knowledge whatsoever about and gives no description on them anywhere. This is one of my big problems with this story.
And also please PLEASE refer to this for your main character and at least attempt to fix him. I am not sure it can be done, but I guess seeing as he hasn't been developed at all yet. Oh well: http://www.springhole.net/writing/marysue.htm
EDIT: I would also like to point out that the idea for a fic is overused. Please find something original to write. If all the books published were like this, just think how badly it would suck.
1851404 Well I'd assume that we all know who Twilight Sparkle is, and looks like, you know because she's a character in the show that we all watch. That's why this story is on FIMFiction, so now you're kinda delving into things that don't matter. On the matter of Briar Rose, his character hasn't really been developed because.....well..I don't know.....maybe it's that fact that he doesn't have any memory of who he is, of could it be the fact that it's only the first chapter of the story? THINK BRO!!!
1851442 He has no memory, but his personality still shows. You should show what kind of person he is. I like to know who the story I am reading happens to be about. It is very stupid of you to write assuming that everybody knows everything about every character in your story. I mean seriously, have you ever read a published book where none of the characters are description of any of the characters whatsoever? Read some successful HiE stories and try to model your works after them. May I suggest Project: Sunflower, by HoopyMcGee? I am sure you will find the characters are described in any successful HiE fic. Even if we all know the characters, a description would definitely help them to create a visual image of the going ons of the story. It can just be things like: The yellow pegasus, Fluttershy, hid behind her long pink mane in fear at the sight of the (insert nonexistent description of what the main character looks like here) stallion approaching her. From what i've seen its just been things like: Fluttershy hid behind her mane when she saw him approaching her.
And finally remember, don't use the "Just the first chapter" excuse. By the end of your first chapter you should have introduced most of the main characters who will accompany the protagonist on his journey, even if it is just in a background scene, and given them some description. The stage should be set by the end of the first chapter. Great things can happen in four thousand words. Nothing remotely great happened here.
Hello again DeadliestPony and unnamed original author I shall be referring to as Briar. It's me again, that horrible guy you probably associate with trains and the like. Well, that's all over and I'm no longer leaking liquid stress so I'm here to take a look at your new story in what is hopefully a helpful review.
First off, congratulations on sidestepping that characterization land mine that is the 'mildly unpleasant life'. This character is actually running from something that is actually a threat and horrible enough to warrant non-magical amnesia.
There was a massive shift of perspective in these three words. Leading up to this point the story had been presented entirely in the first person (I, me, my etc) but this paragraph is actually in the third person (The Great and Powerful Trixie, etc).
That comma should probably be a period as there are actually two sentances there. The word 'align' also highlights one of my big problems with this story: prooreading. This story is filled with errors which could have been fixed by spellcheck (if you 'can't' use it, download Firefox or Openoffice)* and others, such as 'align' which could be fixed by rereading the work after it is 'finished'.
You may want to try putting the character's actions in the same paragraph but you definitely need to couple them with the 'said'-part and all variations on it, like so:
The protagonist is mostly passive so far. What I mean is that he doesn't tend to cause anything to happen. He's like a video-game protagonist, being told where to go and simply reacting to the actions of other, supposedly supporting, characters. The reason I mention this is because this is something you'll want to keep in mind while writing future stories. A reactive character feels boring regardless of any characterisation they might already have.
The mane six also seem to be acting oddly. They come across an unconcious pony in the forest and assume that he is unusual. Pinkie even uses the phrase 'pony-folk' while talking to somepony whom they have no reason to doubt is actually a pony. Events also move to fast. You bounce from arrival to bath to grave to library without developing much at all, not to mention that the description that is present in the first chapter becomes more and more sparse as the story continues.
"Black and blue mane." Now this is a really minor thing, which is why I left it till last, but most ponies have similar colours in their hair (Trixie, for example, has light blue and pale blue in her mane) with a couple of exceptions, like Twilight's highlight and Rainbow Dash's rainbow hair. You could, however, suggest that the black part of his mane is a remnant of his humanity.
I would reccommend reading this: The EqD Editor Omnibus. No matter your opinion on the website, this doc provides some helpful tips for authors and editors alike. I'd also reccommend re-reading this chapter and fixing the mistakes if only as practice for future chapters and stories.
Keep writing and, despite my critisism, remember that enjoyment is the most important part of writing. Merry Christmas.
*Ironically, my spellcheck is currently disabled for some undiscernable reason. I hate Macs.
1852251 Thanks, and Merry Christmas/Happy Hearth's Warming to you too.
Wow.
This Parasprite guy is pretty negative. I doubt that he knows what we writers go through.
1854286 he sort of does. He's doing something right, I've seen one of his stories featured. Either way, I'm listening to whatever makes sense, and some of you have given valid points, others have provided nothing but bullshit. We'll see what happens In chapter two, I'm speaking to the writer now.