Quick Wits: One of the shyest stallions you will ever meet. He even rivals Fluttershy! Well, all that changes thanks to a chance encounter with... Well, don't let me spoil it for you! Get reading!
This is my attempt at taking a more "quaint" turn in the ways of storytelling. Instead of cut-rate action and dark pasts and all that, these characters will be fairly normal, with a few minor and maybe a single major quirk to them. So don't expect much to keep you on the edge of your seat.
NOTE: One of the main characters has a bad stutter, and I tried my best to make it seem natural, and not come off as annoying. So try not to be too harsh about that.
Chapters (5)
FIRST!
Now, let's read the story.
Seems like you got the publish button to work.
Cant wait to get digital paper cuts from all the reading I'm going to do on this story.
5 Chapters of PURE FRIENDSHIPPING. (I read fast when I don't have paperwork to do.... oh crap I do)
Dude, it's progessing really well. (As well as it can be with 2 OC characters). I can tell it's all leading up to a moment, which was a good moment I might add.
*15 Chapters later of invigorating plot and deep characterization*
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Ahh, the joys of writing once more
2086580
It's that good? I thought it felt a bit rushed, but hey, I guess I have to start over somewhere.
2086627 I would say it is, but I've seen rushed work at it's worst. Just gradually build it up and check it for editing like a day after you write a chapter let's say (the saying: 'It's a Gold Mine when you write it now, but when you come back later to find a Cesspool of grammer errors.' Is really helpful for editing purposes.)
Anyways, it'll be nice to see what'll happen next
2086652
At least I explained the rush, sorta. They knew each other for a few weeks, but did noting worthy of actual note, so... Timeskip. 80'S STORY-TELLING FOR THE WIN.
I honestly can't say that I enjoy jumping between first person perspectives. It just seems strange to me. But hey, it was well written at least.
Well, um... okay. Wow. I really, really am hesitant to proceed further. Like, incredibly so. Dealing away with the average writing style, the sheer bombing of character flaws and stereotypes are... just plain awful. For example, your summary states 'fairly normal characters'. What I have seen is two separate things: your male main character being a stereotypical reserved bookworm with muscle atrophy in his wings and a horrible stutter (which totally hasn't been done before), and your female main character being a (at the moment) bland individual with two oddly-coloured eyes.
Erm... all, right...?
Your characters... I just do not like them, and it is severe enough that I will most likely not want to continue unless it was forced upon me. Now, I could make the assumption that in the future, your characters improve and expand and all that jazz. However, at this very moment; it is contradictory to your summary, and overall I see no new tricks or entertainment in the preceding chapters.
I may get anger (from either yourself or your fans), and I may become crushed by the sole weight of all the dislikes stacked on my comment. If that is the case; so be it. I am merely stating my thoughts, and you should consider them to a degree. Or not. Either way, I just felt that you should know the considerations of a semi-intelligent FimFiction writer with a mediocre-sized fanbase. Do with my ramblings as you wish.
2086929
Hey, I appreciate the criticism. I was trying out new characters and a new writing style, so of course it's gonna be shaky. Now I can try to improve on this. As for the characters... Well, some characters aren't for everyone. Thanks for the criticism though, it helps.
Hmm.
Sure, a tad rushed at points (only caught one spelling error) could use some smoothing.....
BUT worth a moustache, thumbs up, AND track
As our loquacious friend so politely stated in his feedback, characters could use some work (try giving them a quirk or two). You've got some potential here and you know what? Everyone gets better with practice. Just write more and write about anything you want and eventually, you'll create something that'll have me or anyone else running to you for advice. Just work on character identity and development and story refinement and you'll be fine. I'm gonna "like" this because you're trying and expressing yourself and that's difficult especially to an audience. Practice makes perfect, man.
Well, you've improved quite a bit from the first part for sure. Got a few good laughs out of it! Keep it up!
2088054
Thanks man. I actually planned on throwing in more quirks here and there as time goes on. I've been thinking about it, and I have a few ideas, but I wanna think of something that isn't a cliche. Thanks for reading, though.
But yeah, that is one of the problems I have. All my stories have a really shaky start, but they stabilize as I proceed. It's just an issue with writing I need to find a way to work around.
Good story so far!
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but I am enjoying the story so far.
2086871 I agree but it is fun to get used to then enjoy.
that was a good chapter it put a smile on my face love the ending the picture was a nice touch too
2123169
Thanks. My girlfriend drew it a little while back.
Quick question dude: Where have you been? It's been almost a year since you updated Le Retour. The story is really good, but you've left a lot of people hanging on the story. Can I ask why?
2577891
I'm really surprised you haven't seen the bunches of times I've told others the answer to that. The reason I haven't updated it is because I burnt myself out on it, and can't muster up the creative drive to think of anything decent to continue it with.
2579095 Do you think you'll ever get that drive again? I really like the story.
2579330
Hopefully.
2586520 Have you tried listening to music for inspiration?