Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash find themselves in a strange land with unknown creatures, crazy imps, and magical masks. They have 3 days to prevent a moon from crashing into the land. Can they manage to save the world in that time with their unusual forms, or will this world succumb to the lunar apocalypse?
Rated teen for mild language and some graphic violence.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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heh heh, kinda of a funny parody of Majoras mask. Interesting to read .
So Link got knocked out.... And died from a concussion?
Also, Fluttershy would have wanted to at least see whether Link was dead or not before rushing off with Rainbow Dash after the Skull Kid, assuming you wanted to keep her in character.
Just like how this is your first fanfic the following will be my first comment on Fimfiction.net. Though I have reviewed fanfiction before on another website I'm unsure if the process is any different on this site than on others but I will do as I usually do and see if you both like my manner of commenting and whether or not it actually helps you.
Starting with the positives, the fanfic introduces the crossover element very well, and it's nice break from cliché to see it occur not as a result of one of Twilight's spells. The transition to the other world is un-detailed but that in a way gives it more of a mystery to it, and reflects how Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were unaware of the change of worlds. Reasons for why they were in the Everfree forest and why they went to the source of the noise were well thought of, and the characters were in character. Though not exceptional the vocabulary is quite strong and appropriate for each moment, and this fanfic has elements of FlutterDash, my favourite pairing, so I was quite happy to read it.
I am glad you asked for constructive criticism because it's something I like to give. There was the odd mistake with comma's like you feared but these were few and did not stand out as much as other errors such as confusing the terms of words (using were instead of where and found instead of find) or writing fallow instead of follow. These two are but small errors as well but they stand out when reading so it's best to avoid them. The key problem I see with this fanfic is pacing, the majority of this chapter moves rather fast, in particular the complete absence of the transformation into Deku Scrubs scene which I found a rather chilling moment in Majora's Mask (though I never did get to far in that game) and was disappointed in the lack of it. The concept of Rainbow Dash not only being aware of Fluttershy's feelings, but openly aware of it to the point that she can comment on it and tell others of it in front of Fluttershy is a strange one, and feels even weirder that it has already occurred before the story. I felt it would have been much better to have Rainbow Dash find out as the story progresses or at least, for Fluttershy to openly admit it as the story progresses, but I guess the way you have done it can lead to some interesting interaction between the two characters.
So there you go my first comment on Fimfiction.net. While really long, particularly in comparison to the other comments I have seen on this site, I do hope it helps with your writing. Great job, keep up the good work!
You uh... you killed off Link pretty abruptly. For the legendary hero of time, you'd think he'd be able to survive more than that. He has before, after all. Also, everyone seems remarkably unconcerned with his death. As Samusbot already point out, that seems remarkably out of character for Fluttershy.
Finally, Link being dead breaks some of the plot of the game rather irreversibly. More specifically, the ponies have no way of knowing the Song of Time, and thus are kinda screwed right now.
Interesting premise, but I am finding the way you dropped a bridge on Link kinda destroyed most of my interest in the story.
127812
Wow, thanks for the review.
Sorry about the pacing, but when retelling Majora's Mask this way it's a little hard to not make the pacing like that.
Also, I have got to remember to stop mixing up fallow with follow.
128215
While Link might be a hero of time he is still a humanoid, and humanoids die when they loose enough blood.
Also, I had a plan for the song of time LONG before your comment.
And I just started replaying Major's Mask too...
Well, it looks interesting so far.
Like what others have said though, its odd for Fluttershy to show little concern for a dead animal right there. You could say that she's used to it since she takes care of lots of animal and will undoubtedly have seen more than a few animal deaths, but she doesn't even mention him.
Also, it's kinda weird that Rainbow will openly talk about Fluttershy's crush on her to a complete stranger that was hanging out with the guy who caused all this mess.
Overall, I am interested to see where this goes.
Edit: One more thing; I know they used to be pegasi, but since they don't keep their wings, they should still be called deku scrubs.
Did you...really have to bump Link off in order to make this story work?
128429
Yes I did. My reason being that Link had the Ocarina of Time, the instrument used to turn back time in the game.
Lol the way you picked off link was pretty funny
I always wondered what if he didn't immediatly got up after being knocked off
I WANT MOAR
128931
MOAR will come, but not for a bit. Due to how Majora's Mask works, I have to make chapter 2 be the first cycle. As you can see, I have quite a task. Do not worry though, for I will have it up by Tuesday at the latest.
MOAR NOW!!!!!!!!
132956
Chill dude, I just posted this chapter. I promise chapter three will be up by next Monday at the latest. I write in short spurts so when my creativity craps out I have to wait for it to return.
I apologize for the inconvenience.
It's nice to know that you plan to improve the pacing of this fanfic in future chapters, and it’s also nice for you to warn the readers of what can be a rather frustrating reading experience ahead. In all fairness though I will say that there were moments where the story began to flow properly, such as the debate scene and the confrontation of Skull Kid, so you didn’t too badly with it.
In the scenes where you slowed down I was immediately able to notice a great improvement in the writing, mostly in how I could tell what was going on, a result of the increased amount of detail. Vocabulary, while a little simple at times, worked well enough, and there were far fewer word errors than in the last chapter. Humour was frequent enough to make me smile throughout a good portion and the characters feel like they should be for the most part. I particularly liked the moment where they realised how serious the situation was and the characters responded in a way I felt was fitting. There is also more to this story than simply being a crossover, with a back-story unrelated to the world they are now in which I'm sure will be revealed as the story progresses. It's a nice touch and something that those familiar with Majora's Mask will not be able to know on the basis of having played Majora's Mask.
Like you have said in your author notes, the chapter feels rushed. Not all the time, there are certainly moments where it does shine but a lot of it feels rushed. This unfortunately has dire consequences such as a lack of description for the scenery and setting thus leading me to not know where the characters actually were at times, and a lack of detail in the characters so I was unsure what they looked like. I could go over all of the problems the rushed writing has on this chapter but I'm sure you are well aware of them and it is a problem you have stated will be fixed in the chapters to come so I will suggest some other improvements to make instead. When describing character and/or scenery (which you need to do more often) try to have the details flow, whether it is to connect sentences together or extend simple details by having an action which affects the detail. For instance, when you were describing Munto and his moustache you could have said how his moustache quivered with each word bellowing from his lips or something of the sort; it gives reason as to why you would highlight such a detail of a character.
The writing is not amazing, even when it is not rushed it can feel rather average, despite the odd moment where it shines. What truly does wonders for this fanfic though is the crossover elements, implemented into this fanfic with grace, smarts, originality, and humour. How the worlds differ is a good source for laughs, remarking on the difference in the way time works was both unexpected and intelligent, and it’s nice to see that it does not rely just on the story of Majora's Mask to carry its characters through. Great job, keep up the good work!
134575
Wow, once again thanks for the full review. I'll try to remember what you said about descriptions.
As for the improvements, I decided to sleep before re-reading the chapter I made so that might have something to do with it.
why didn't you make the human form a mask?
150904
It never crossed my mind.
Hold on one second, why does the mask salesman have Link's sword and shield? No, more importantly why does he have Link's clothes and a dress?
I...I don't even...Completely ignoring that I will do as per usual and start with what’s good about this chapter.
The improvement from your two prior chapters was not as great as I was hoping for but none the less apparent. Pacing is much, much better and there was a lot more detail allowing me to picture the people and actions a lot clearer than I was able to in previous chapters. Each scene deserves the amount of time it receives within the chapter and is generally well written. I like the inclusion of scenes from Ponyville, a nice little touch to this fanfic which already seems to be doing all it can to breathe some originality into the crossover genre, and I feel pleased as punch that I was able to predict Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash becoming humans instead of ponies (and at that I feel the appearances you have given the two characters are quite fitting).
You may have had your reasons, you may have separated it by a scene break, but you do not, I repeat, you do not ever add in an author’s note in the midst of a chapter. Unless you, the author, are voicing as a narrator within the story itself, and thus are a part of the story, you should never take your readers out from your story. You may have thought it to have been important but it could have easily been put at the beginning or end of this chapter. Other areas for improvement that I will point out are the flow of your sentences and your use of the word fallow instead of follow. I don't need to explain the latter but as for the former, quite a few of your sentences feel brief and end abruptly, and are easy to notice when they are as such (for an example check out the first three sentences of your first paragraph).
Though it is not the best written there happens to be a lot about this fanfic I can state I enjoy, and you happen to be adding and improving things quite often as the story progresses. I feel comfortable in knowing that this story will keep on improving and as such my enjoyment upon reading it will keep on growing. Great job, keep up the good work!
153645
Thanks for the review as always, and darn it I need to stop writing fallow!
Also, the reason why the mask salesman has all that stuff is because he's the mask salesman. The mask salesman is basically the Zelda universe equivalent of Pinkie Pie, you don't question what he does. After all, he knew about the moon and other stuff in the game and practically teleported to change positions.
Yea don't question the mask man
Epic chapter I neee more
this is would be pretty good IF the lines were more original
not bad I like it
Moar ..... your following the storyline quite well
Today I have nothing humorous or interesting to open this review with so I'm going to keep this short and get on with the review immediately.
This chapter truly shows an effort to improve, and I have noted that while your descriptions are not of the greatest quality, they are numerous in number, and you have gone about describing the people, the actions, and the scenery to a much greater extent than before. Though they could be worded better, the fact they are there, and presented so clearly, allows for the readers to know what goes on all the time. This in turn has made the fanfic feel a lot less rushed, and overall has improved pacing. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash remained in character and some of the things raised in this chapter were interesting to bring up (though sadly not as intriguing as previous chapters but there’s not much you can do about that). I also tip my non-existent hat to the humour which had me smiling when it appeared, and also tip my hat for Tingle interacting with the two protagonists on the basis of Tingle being weirdly awesome (just to note; I am not being sarcastic).
Most, if not all of my criticism has been mentioned in my praise for this chapter. You have plenty of description, but the sentences flow badly making it feel forced and stunted, while the descriptions themselves are very plain and unimaginative in the choice of words. You also keep on giving out the full descriptions to a characters appearance the moment they appear, rather than describing them bit by bit as they interact with the characters, or describing a part of them when they do an action that requires that part of their body.
This appears to be one of my shorter reviews however I hope it aids you with your writing and/or motivation never the less. I enjoyed seeing the improvement in pacing in comparison to your three other chapters and while the descriptions were not great you have done more than quite a few fanfic writers by at least making an effort to incorporate them as often as you can. Great job, keep up the good work!
203742
Oh, so I'm not supposed to give a full description as soon as a character appears? Well thanks for letting me know! In all honesty I kinda struggle with descriptions the most when it comes to writing these things and I've been tempted more than once to just throw a picture in there.
Hmm...I wonder...is the Easter Egg when RD is comforting Fluttershy, telling her that "monster" is behind bars? It also sounds like a bit of back story we need to know about.
Honestly, when I first viewed this, I didn't even read the first chapter because of low ratings. Thanks to the thumbs up/down rating system, though, I realize it was a mistake to let the votes tell me what's good and bad. I shall continue reading.
245282
Actually the Easter Egg was Rainbow Dash cheering about the snot. It's a reference to ChuggaaConroy's Let's Play of the game.
As for the monster thing, it's a spoiler for later, and by later I mean 2 stories after this. However some guesswork on your own might figure it out.
245343 I'll just wait on the next exciting chapter. As for you:
th03.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2012/050/7/2/pinkie_holding_a_check_mark_by_felix_kot-d4qaadr.png
You get Pinkie Pie's check mark of approval. This check mark entitles you to one (1) free thumbs up and one (1) track. Further check marks will also entitle you to one (1) free watch.
Also, very nice Easter Egg. CC's a great Let's Player in my opinion...second only to SIR RON LIONHEART!!!
245724
I like how you referenced Chuggaaconroy when rainbow and fluttershy got the magic bubbles
*reads the comment about the CC easter egg* hmm.. was it probly the fact that the big guy in that boat cruise place is austrialian?
anyways.. i'm loving the story so far keep it up! you sir got another like and a track!
MLP, along with some FlutterDash (OTP! <3), combined with my favourite Zelda game.
:D
It's pretty good so far. I know it has been quite a while, but I sincerely hope you'll continue with it. It's going to be quite a journey! I'm really looking forward to it! 
Well done!
I love it!
good story only problem is link dying off in the first few paragraphse
I have a feeling that flluttershy will panic a lot in Ikana canyon
1132491
You THINK??!!!