Celestia is gone, a replica has taken her place as regent of the sun and Twilight find herself on the brink of a depression.
Chapters (5)
Greengrass
Joined 3rd Oct, 2011 ·
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I'll be honest here, I shouldn't be posting this but I can't help it. This story isn't ready for it but I fear that if don't I'll never finish it. Be as honest as you can with your comments. Thanks.
Oh My Celestia...
Oh you.
I was listening to this...
It was just after watching the new episode...
ALL MY FEELS!
I will see where this goes.
though i feel very sad for Twilight's predicament.
Before read: I like this consent of yours. I'm excited to read this!
Oh ma god... I can't seem to find the spike emote..... ALL HOPE IS LOST...
After: Dang, what the heck happened? Login this so far, fave and like comin your way!
Well if you continue you i hope we will find out who this "Another" is.
(In the UK legal system, "Anor." is an abbreviation meaning "another."
But my best guess is you took it for meaning Sun in the Gray Elf language of middle earth)
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Bingo! :p
Abandoned?
1766981
that is a lame mistake I made there
Where's celestia?
1853848
Now that's a question I'm not going to answer
Very good. Everyone stayed in character (except for the not-Celestia that we do not know yet).
There were a few word errors but not many.
I only had one problem...
At the end where Luna kissed Twilight you used the phrase
Replacing "big sister" with "friend" may make the phrase sound a little less .. incestious...
If there is no TwiLuna going on then you might remove the kiss entirely and make it a nuzzle , cuddle or something like that.
Twilight is Celestia's student of nearly 15 years, her closest friend (at least as close as she is to her sister Luna), Bearer of the element of Magic, Multiple time savior of Equestria etc...
I do not understand why Luna can not tell Twilight about what is going on. Especially since she knows how much this is breaking Twilight's heart. Being rejected by a mother figure is not something that Twilight will simply "get over". at least not without the Truth.
Its pretty obvious that whatever it is has happened before maby even multiple times. I am afraid that Twilight fell into Celestia's life just in time for Celestia to have to go away for a few hundred years...
I am thinking something along the lines of Eternal.
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Possible, but I have been explaining that they are like sister the entire time, putting friend here seemed so stupid.
There is TwiLuna going on but not romance like but more a friends with benefits type or in this case sisters with benefits. The next chapter explains a bit of this.
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Thank you. I think i understand and cant wait to see more.
Shit just done got real.
But...
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/415/905/c36.gif
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Yeah, I need one of those.
1860790
I can help. Read any of my stories and you'll see that I am an incorrigible Grammar Nazi.
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I would like that. :)
I'll take a gander through this story, then.
Also, hope ye enjoy this.
Well I wasn't sure at all about reading this until you posted it in Protect Celestia. As Admin of the group I do read everything that get posted.
Very interesting idea, not the first time I've seen Celestia being switched out with another Celestia. I'm intrigued by this. One issue though, at times you have forgotten to capitalize Twilight in regards to our bookish unicorn.
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I still missed some? seriously? I checked the story five times for that and I still missed some...
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Yeah you did, I guess try Ctrl-F for Twilight.
Is it just me or did things get more .... Complicated ...
I know that there are deeper things going on but I still want to kick Anor in the balls for hurting Twilight (and Luna) ... both hooves ... with shoes ...
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Things are getting complicated but that sentence is just because the plan is Twilight will leave next day with her parents for some time :) no Twilight abduction.
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I assumed it was voluntary.
Luna would not hurt Twilight unless there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. (no more than Celestia would have)
Anor has other ... priorities ... that we do not know about yet.
I look forward to finding out what they are.
lol "dumble" door
"dumbledore"
Twilight is intelligent and collected enough to except the realities of the truth. the longer you hide it from her the more in pain she will be and the less likely relations with her will be fixed. eventually she will come to resent you, especially if she finds the truth from an outside source. Basically in my opinion; Luna, You done bucked up.
Well, normally I'd point out a grammar or spelling issue, but here? I've got nothing. I can't say "It's obvious that you're trying to write a mystery, but failing in every way" because I'm not entirely sure that's what it is! Luna apparently doesn't care that Celestia is gone, since when are Twilight and Luna sisters, and what is even going on?!
Regardless of what this is supposed to be, you still fail at basic capitalization (twilight/Twilight) and spelling (ponies'/pony's). If nothing else, turn this incomprehensible mess into something vaguely understandable with the magic powers of an editor. You can find one here.
The concept has potential, it really does, but this story needs work. Hopefully, I'll be revisiting this in the featured box.
Hasta luego.
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She does but knows there is nothing she can do against it.
They aren't, they just see eachother as sisters. Twilight trusts Luna a lot and Luna wants to protect Twilight, they thought this was something like sisters so they decided to call eachother like that and they really feel that it is like that. It looks really vague now but a later chapter will have a lot of the Luna/Twilight relationship explained.
Celesta is gone and replaced by Anor, Twilight is heartbroken by it and Luna has to lie about stuff but is starting to regret it. I'm going to tell now what is going on, most stories have the antagonists or bad guys talk about their plans but I don't do that. I don't want to ruin it, people have to really wonder what the hell is going on with celestia. But the main point here now is Twilight, how she is hurt and how she is going to deal with as well as Luna and her lying. Anor's arrival will be dealt with close to the end.
I have send this story to an editor and he did great work except one thing: he clearly said what was wrong but not what was wrong about it or how It should be. Like I expect to know. If I knew it I wouldn't have made that mistake.
At the moment I am looking for an editor and I am constantly editing the chapters after I have submitted them because I said myself that the story isn't actually ready to be published. But I have no other choice, I know myself, if I don't do this I will never finish the story.
You'd say it is better to publish nothing than to piblish shit, but I disagree, because this is the way I can push myself to continue. It isn't ideal and it isn't how I want to work forever but it's a first step that I have to take.
Thank you for your reply, I truly mean it when I say it's the best I have had.
Couple of typos in the description- it's pretty important to make the story look good there.
Also made a couple of suggestions to make the meaning a little more clear. (It wasn't wrong, but it was a little akward.)
1887581
This fic is NOT shit by any definition.
It is entertaining. All of the ponies are in character even when (RD specifically) it makes them do things that they should not do (like accidentely hurt Twilight's feelings).
So we do not know the big secret yet ... it's only chapter 4! now if it was chapter 40 ... that would be different . Heck, it has not even been two whole days story time.
Your pacing is excellent (IMHO) Your characters are excellent (also IMHO) and the story potential is AWESOME! (yadda yadda)
Keep the faith, you are doing a good job.
The story does put me in a bind though ...
I loves me some TwiLuna but for some reason part of me want to see things end with a big heaping bowl of Twilestia!
i like it it's a really good story , good luck
Ugh in the woes of.. Forget it. *ahem* MOAR!!!!!
Twilight never stops until she has an answer.
I bet she figured out what happened (at least to some extent) and understanding has not given her any joy.
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more is coming
Thanks
1889236
Made another one, is it better?
So, Rainbow Dash had Twilight tell everypony about her kissing experience and she told them it was with a mare... Weren't her parents there at the party?
Or did they leave earlier? I can't imagine Twilight being comfortable telling this in their presence.
And blasting Rainboe Dash through the wall? Seriously? That's kinda WAY out of character for Twilight.
And what 's with Twilight and Luna calling each other sisters and then kissing each other like lovers? You have some strange definitions of sisterhood, my friend. You stated in the first chapter that Twi was ADOPTED into the family as a little sister. So if you think that this is normal behavior for sisters, I've got bad news for you, pal.
As for the story itself, it does make some semblance of sense... for now... I'll see where're you going with all that.
MOAR,pretty please
2037693
Forgot to add in that they had left before the slumberparty started. Between the arival and start of the game are a few hours.
I imagine Twilight doesn't really care about, to her kissing a mare or a stallion is the same.
Twilight can get angry and if someone says something like that I would be angree too. Rainbow has trampled on her feelings just when she was at her worst.
Yes they see eachother like sisters because Luna always wants to protect Twilight, most of the times but they also eally act like sisters but they also have this kind of friends with benefits relationship. I has a start and stuff but I didn't really get into it because it's irrelevant to the story. And I do know this isn't normal behavior.
Ok. Ending, sucks. Too short and not near sad enough
anything else? there are a tone of loop holes and unless you plan on making a sequel I don't see many readers being pleased with this ending.
suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/16459719/images/1317297769548.jpg
I am so confuse
so twilight was depressed that celestia left her high and dry (provided there is no context to why this happened) and so she goes to like hook up with Luna (also no context). At one point she rages at fakestia and then beats her and then she gets home and then everything is okay. Nope chuck testa, she an hero's only to be caught by real celestia (out of fucking no where) and then she still dies (Again with no context) and everyone qq's
what is this
I dont even
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sorry guys for ruining it, I shouldn't have posted it. I don't even know why I did it, it felt like a great idea for some reason even if there still had to be 2 chapters at least before this. Will delete right now, again sorry...
2070215
lol you dont need to be sorry, im just saying how confuse i am at this story. Besides, I thought the concept was good.
Nice little scene with Spike and Twilight at the end there. Very heartwarming.
I'll follow the story to see were it goes. As a critic I can say that the story flow jumps a lot from chapter to chapter giving the feeling that the reader is missing something in between. The other critic I want to make is the relationship between Twilight and the princesses. At the very beginning you establish that it was a family setting but then out of the blue you'r telling us that Twi has a friends with benefits relationship with Luna. Seriously? that not only does not makes sense seeing as you told us she sees her as a big sister but it also bring the topic of her reaction to the missing Celestia, because to me her actions are more of someone who lost their beloved and not their parent. If this was your intended direction from the begging then maybe you shouldn't have bother in telling us why Twilight saw then as mother/sister.
I think that it for the moment. Like I said, I'll keep reading the story because I find it interesting so keep it up :)
Thanks for reading and the critique, the relationships they have is something I want to rewrite but that will be after the story is complete.
2313394 I could have sworn you had it finished earlier? I guess not, anyway still following.