I'll fix this later. I promise! I do promise! Stop doubting me!!!
When Solar, a female pegasus, crashes into the ground while flying during a storm, she loses all her memories. She is diagnosed with amnesia. Fortunately, her doctor is a very nice stallion who helps her recover from the other injuries she suffered. He quickly takes a romantic interest in her but are his feelings answered? Are Solar ever going to meet her cousin in Ponyville which was the idea? And will she ever get her memory back?
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Have you ever had a day where you try to write a sentence but your thoughts just trail off and you start writing about the subject but forgetting to punctuate it and eventually it becomes a run-on-sentence?
[/irony]
You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
Thoughts shouldn't be shown via "double quotes", either italicize it, or use 'single quotes' when showing someone thinking.
Run on sentence, fix it (and all others as well).
She doesn't need to see it, she should be able to hear the thunder rather well seeing her proximity to the clouds.
Don't change the tense within the same sentence or paragraph. In fact, just stick to one. Either keep it in past tense (flapped) or present (overpowers) not both. Make sure that you go over the whole thing to get the rest of these as I'm not gonna point them all out.
What? Aside from the fact that she's in the hospital?
One: If she took a big hit, then why was she only bleeding slightly? Head injuries bleed profusely, a big one oughta be bleeding real bad, not just slightly. Two: Run on sentence. Three: This ain't an English paper being written in MLA format, periods and other punctuation go inside the quotation marks, not outside them.
It takes almost no time to write out: five to four (see, I just did it), that said, do so. Writing out numbers is more professional.
Why lie down on the floor? If she's in a bed (as I assume that she would be at a hospital) then that'd mean that he'll be below her.
Aside from that, I really can't bring myself to have any feelings towards Solar. She's so far got practically zero character and that means nothing we can relate to. Sure, making a stupid mistake that gets your memories sent to Oblivion ain't something to praise your lord(s) about, but we cannot care for something that has no characteristics. Why make an OC? We'd feel more for somepony already in the show as we know these characters already.
In short, grammar's nothing to give a nobel peace prize to, and needs a bit of work (especially when it comes to sentences). Your character isn't likable since she's got zero personality, and you've got some logical flaws.
Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise, good luck and farewell.
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when i saw the title the first thing that came in my mind
1938956 I'm not sure whether that is a good thing or not. I'm not a fan of Eminem so I'll assume it's bad ;)
I must say, I am positive you heard of this before, but you need an editor or proofreader. Story is good an all
, but it is good to get some help if you are not great with writing.
Either way, do keep up writing, but be sure to get an editor. It's always best to have good work for others, written from the core of your heart and edited from the kindness of a friend. Sometimes the other way around!