First ever story, please don't be nice. If It sucks, say so. Not under the best conditions that his was written as I'm sure you can tell, but I figured that I may as well try to get a story out there while the idea was in my head.
Chapters (1)
Arpeggio
Joined 8th Jan, 2012 ·
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No one commented on this really. Well that's a darn shame. I think it was a sweet little one shot. Can't really see how you could expand on it without making it sound forced. If we still had the stars I would give this a 4.6. Only cause of some grammar errors I saw and how confusing it got in the middle. Other than that Cool story bro keep on writing
Shame barely anyone commented.
Personally I thought it was fine, though things seemed a tad artificial at times.
244415
+
i don't think so i think there is plenty of room to expand and not be forced. but i do agree with you that it is a very sweet story
279652 Thank you very much, to be honest I thought this story was a lost cause; I just wanted to put my toe in the water, really, and wasn't expecting anyone to even read it, ha.
244415 Thank you mate, I am going to continue writing and will do just about anything to improve my technique (and anything else, really).
Yay, Twiity! Seeing as your other commenters have addressed the story already, I'm going to say a little something about the presentation.
It's not one big block of text, so that's a plus. However, starting new paragraphs like that makes it seem a bit... essayish? It's usually a good idea to stat a new paragraph every time you switch speakers. It's just to make it easier to keep track of who's saying what when reading quickly. It also makes the pacin of the story feel more natural, without changing a word (formatting is magic!).
Isn't Opal a girl? Wonderful story, though.
Umm moar?
Short and sweet.
I had a little bit of an issue with how you set up the dialogue (lines from both Twilight and Rarity in the same paragraph, for example). Aside from that, the story was cute.