I am no longer a brony, but I'll continue writing for this website, not for the topic, but because I like to write. My name is Clifford Anthony-Michael Eliseuson.
Dusk Cloud was just a normal human, minus the fact he was paraplegic. one day, he fell and died a terrible death... he smashed his face on a shower faucet . He wakes up in Twilight Sparkle's bed, and doesn't remember a thing. He ends up falling in love with her, but will she love him back?
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ok right now i am makeing some changes just a few moments
Finished
took me about an hour but i dont care
This. is . beautiful. c:
Good Work! x3
thanks, thats the first good comment i have had...
i had to redo it again so i did it right
theres more comeing too
So good news and bad news. I enjoy this alot, I love the plot as I want more, but I just cannot say there isn't errors. There are a couple grammar errors that I can look past, but in reality most of these chapters don't make any sense. It goes way to fast, a lot of things need to be be explained in detail and actually fixed to make sense. I would love to help you with this if you would like, and please don't overlook this comment. Thanks :)
1934436 Thank you, but I want it to go fast. Makes it more mysterious... but i will fix that grammer just pm me them and i will fix it
wow wayy too much going on in the first 5 chapters
sorry, but it is how Dusk sees it happening. life seems to just pass by there to him.
dont worry, it gets better. action coming up in the next few chapters
1984349 ok, I know it goes fast, but that is the way Dusk sees it.
life passes bye quickly, and thats what happens, but dont worry. more is still to come
1928053
That's the prime issue, my boy.
I actually wrote a lecture not too long ago about story updating on the SFNW group forum, an hour? Too short a time to plan, my boy.
Regardless, let's have a look at this:
>Story about dying and going to Equestra
>Primary involvement with Twilight Sparkle
>Human Tag
>Romance Tag
Lawlnope.
2043716 like, no like?
good, not good, i am acually fixcing the errors now
I read this story... And I loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thats why I named my username after the main character... Sorry RioluThePonyOfAura13... I couldn't help it...
2054988 Thanks DuskCloud... lol
you embarass me...
A description that fails to meet first grade writing standards isn't a convincing argument that the actual story will be legible.
Technically, you need to work on reducing the fragmentation of your paragraphs. They read haltingly, like a disjointed list of facts that are only coincidentally related to one another.
Also, there are serious issues with the premise of your story that almost everyone besides yourself will find off-putting. I would recommend a thorough read of the following pages:
Wish Fulfillment
Self Insertion
2086068 ok, just one problem... what's "off-putting" mean?
2086068 and it's supposed to be confuing-ish........ He is in an alien world to what he is used to, and he isn't used to it. why doesn't any pony understand that?
Seems to be going a little to fast paced for me... i like details and not sommething were month's go by with nothing to make you think what happened in between... you could say in the story that "over the past few months nothing exciting really happened during that time"
2097815 it is supposed to go fast........
how many times do I have to say that?
2097815 he is a human from EARTH time goes much slower there than Equestrian time so please stop complaining (that was meant for everypony) and enjoy the story...
woooo! over 100 veiws. If anypony can tell me what the number in the () means, I'd be so happy Pinkie Pie would be jealous
2153143
The number on the left is how many people have read your story (this is usually the number of views for chapter 1), and the number on the right is the total views of each chapter combined.
2156695 thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!
you cant see it, but I am smiling so huge my face can barely fit it
2157100
Anytime!
End one story and anouther one pops from the ending. I will be waiting to read the next story about dusk so take as much time as you need
May the story dieties go with you on the next story
~Raizuo
2194773 thanks friend! I anticipate your reading of my story
i will read the sequel
2196991 thank you. I take it you liked it?
2196994 yes it was a bit confusing but a good story
2197088 well the story was told from Dusk's perspective. what would you think if you had died, lost your memory and woke up in a strange place in the form of a pony?
2197088 also, I am working on the first chapter of the next book at this time. and he epilogue part was only the first part of chapter 1. the chapters are much longer than before
so it should be more enjoyable
2197233 it is not you its me for some reason i mixed up the names of his kids with him
2197299 Ohhhhhhh. why didn't you say that in the first place?
ok, his brother, Morning, is a Pegasus. Morning has one filly, Thunder. He is also the adopted son of RD and is married to Scootaloo
Dusk is married to Twilight (
), has three fillies: Dawn (Unicorn), Heat Wave (aka Pyro, he is an earth pony), and Sparx (also an earth pony)
Is that what you were confused about, or did that make it worse?
2197306 i did not think of saying that but thanks ill try to commit that to memory
2197432 your welcome. I am almost done with Fighting the Shadows
how about we continue this conversation via private messaging?
Hmm nice first chapter there, rio..
Whoa nelly.. Didnt see that coming.
Ahmahgurd how could joo do dish!?
*crying out of happiness.*
Hmm a name for this chapter... Triplet surprise?
COUGHCOUGH. That was rather abrupt.
2224072 Thanks for the comments not much timer to change anything, I will eventually. please contact me sometime
Ehhhh h a bit too fast for meh taste (I have parties when there's lots of character development)
2377024 meh, time passed by for him... read my earlier comments... and the next story
meh it was an ok story just really really rushed
2472828 read the sequal. and also, one of the coming chapters of the sequal explains why it is so fast paced. also, the sequal isn't so fast, it takes p[lace over the period of three days so far
seriously, I'm getting sick and tired of explaining this
Aaarrrrrrgggggg!!!! I see this in almost every fic I read; colts are male, fillies are female. Why does a nobody bother to do research?
2813360 I am sorry. That is what I have grown up calling them. newborns are foals, the "children" (5-10) are fillies andf anything above 10 is a colt/mare
What i saw was that the wedding was a week away... and then a few weeks past... "Is Dusk a Time Lord?"
Love the story by the way...
2921289 heh...heh... uhhh....
I was new to writing back then... aaand I'm too busy and too forgetful to go back through and fix the little mistakes.... so... no Dusk isn't a time lord, the wedding was a little later than planned (forgot to put that in)... and that should do it