I am not contained between my hat and my boots.
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Twilight writes to Princess Celestia for an explanation of an insidious issue Shining Armor told her about... but she ends up finding a secret that will change her life forever.
Short and thoughtful, with just a little pinch of humor to liven things up.
Simulcast en Espaniol
Many thanks to my proofreaders and pre-readers, Kolth, Sky Warden, and Colt, all from MLP Forums.
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I'm writing these for practice, so all feedback is greatly appreciated!
The more detailed, the better!
This is the fourth fic I've written. The first draft (and first two revisions) are on (lovely lavender colored) paper. -- Yes, I write my fics on paper first.
If this fic becomes popular, I'll be putting the original first draft on ebay, so if you'd be interested in that kind of thing, keep an eye out. ^.^
Well this is interesting. Not the first time I have seen the idea that Celestia and Luna aren't single ponies but just a long line of ponies to bear the name and title but I don't see it often and this is different from the other one. The thing with the mares and stallions seem to be unneeded though that is a interesting inclusion of real world info since it is the mares that lead the herd. You did good with this.
absolutely absymal.
Charges:
Grossly rewriting canon.
Inserting sexism in a gender-equitable fictional world.(the whole point of the show's creation was gender equality, and showing that 'there's more than one way to be a girl.' Chocking it up with a story about "invisible gender bias" (the favorite whine-fest IRL of feminists who've never even come within gaffing distance of real, genuine sexism) just comes across as a gross violation of the show's spirit.
And no, mares do not lead the herd.
Ignoring canon to insert the sexism sub-plot. Most of the businesses seen thus far in Ponyville are run by stallions. The bosses on the job sites are generally stallions. And Fancy Pants certainly wasn't a pony in drag.
Contriving a gender-changing conspiracy so irrational that it wouldn't have lasted five minutes. You want to promote gender equity, Celestia? HIRE MALE GUARDS. Hiring crossdressing guards just proves the point Celestia is trying to refute--- by showing that CELESTIA doesn't even think male ponies can do the job. It's an especially stupid move since if a filly could notice they didn't have a block and tackle anyone else would notice as well--- and either figure out the truth, or come to culturally disastrous conclusions even worse than the ones you feared. (Like assuming that Celestia approved of having the guards gelded!
)
The whole "line of succession" plot. Sweet merciful crap. You didn't just alter canon, you had to gut it and tangle it up in its own entrails.
Pandering to a gender-swap/tranny fetish. Luna as a boy in drag.... just euuuugh.
The whole story was a pointless disemboweling of canon for--- what? I have absolutely no clue.
2012601
Heh, I should just give up on making a completely original idea, huh?
Everything's been done before. ^.^
2012605
2012727
Oh, come now, it isn't that bad. You may take issue with the premises of the story, but was it at least skillfully executed?
I would like to register a plea of insanity.
Gross violation of the show's spirit, that may be true. But hey, so is grimdark and clop.
I've worked with real horses for five years now. Yes, mares very much do lead the herd. Almost always.
The argument could be made; I acknowledge that.
But stallions do somehow find their way into most of the manual labor jobs, and all the governmental power rests in the hooves of mares.
(And like real-world discrimination, sometimes there are exceptions, but this doesn't disprove the general trend.
Well, that may be true. I didn't think that through entirely, I suppose.
Now that I will disagree with. The line of succession as Celestia has very little conflict with canon.
Is that trannyfobia I detect?
I wonder why it bothers you so much. ^.^
Well, everybody's entitled to their opinions, I suppose. I'll promise you that my next fic will have no such disagreeable plot elements. -- I know for sure because I've already written it; I need only finish revising it and finish drawing the cover image.
Hmm well I refreshed this page until actual comments were left so I had an idea of what this was about. The long review and your rebuttal got enough through to me so I checked it out... Of course I read it backwards however. I could let everything just slip by as harmless world playing except one point. Where Twilight suddenly starts getting self conscious about Spike. His role has nothing to do with his gender, it is just she hatched him and is her assistant, for her to suddenly feel she was prejudiced to him just fell flat.
"Luna as a boy in drag" O.O gonna read the hell out of this fic now ^^
also, it would not hurt to add an "alternate universe" tag and might even help to quell the wielders of canon cannons
2012866
You only read a story if it has comments? That's an interesting way to approach things.
Perhaps... though one of my pre-readers pointed that out as a favorite scene.
*shrug*
Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
2012872
Is that so?
Hm... I'm still unclear about some of the tags and when they apply.
And Luna in drag because why not, that's why. ^.^
Ha! Knew that the slice of life tag was a lie, a story about secrets, lies and not so everyday events happening cant have a "everyday stuff" tag.
But can also see the problem with WHAT tag to assign, the dark tag is the most fitting i would say since it is a story about discrimination, lies and the dark hidden side of Equestria even if this story shows in in a extremly light side (like "oh theres some MAJOR discrimination going on, maybe we should fix it, once we feel like it. Or how about you do it hmm"
)
Interesting story. I like
Sexism and Gender (In)Equality: I've seen a lot of good stories about Gender Population Inequality in Equestria, but this topic usually falls by the wayside. This in particular was a bit weak for your story, but fun nonetheless.
X-Dressing Guards: In response to what RC said about it, yes it does seem kinda funky, but it actually fits pretty well when you think about it. Pony society(as you made it out to be) would be producing many males interested in Guard Duty. Hence, "just hiring more stallions" would be next to impossible if they wanted to fill out their ranks.And what sane pony would look under a guard's tail anyway?
Line of Succession: This I liked
Hints of Sun and Stars, but with less angst-fuel and more possibilities for story expansion.
The Final Word: You say you are writing this for practice? You got a new follower, then. This was well executed, even if some aspects were a bit flaky. Probably the largest problem with this story was that it tried going too many directions at once.
A story about Sexism in Equestria would be a fun and engaging read. Watch Twilight deal with previously-unseen societal norms; see her butt heads with conservatives and try to push a Pony Equal Rights Amendment.
Likewise, a story about the Sisterhood of the Sun and Moon would be awesome. What does the regalia do? Where did it come from? Are there more sets? Is there an Order of ponies connected to it? Going for an adventure with this premise in mind would be a good romp.
So really, either premise is awesome, but together you really stretched the believability of this fic. Next time you start a fic, get your premise in mind, and when you decide how long the story will be, decide whether it would be wise to add a second plot, or any subplots into the mix. With a story this short, you almost pushed it a bit too far. Good story, but that is something to watch out for.
I'm of the mind that things could have used a lot more expansion, everything in the story seems incredibly abrupt. You're dealing with very high concept things here, with the idea of gender discrimination and the whole alicorn thing being a sham. Putting aside any incredulity about the general ideas, you don't give nearly enough time building up those things.
To say nothing of the fact that Twi should have totally fallen apart when the pony who was the center of her universe revealed that everything she knew was a complete lie. Oh, and now Equestria was hers to run. A naive bookworm who wouldn't know politics if it bucked her in the nose. A few bits of internal panic monologue just don't do enough to show what a psychic shock that would be.
Also, it's not really a Slice of Life fic at all. Use the Slice of Life tag when you have a story about everyday happenings. In season 3 terms, think Apple Family Reunion, not Crystal Empire.
Keep up the practice, but don't be in such a rush!
2012977
^.^
Yeah, it was only a sub-plot, but I'm glad you liked it!
So not a total flop, yay!
Sun and Stars? I have not read this one.
It's similar to mine?
Yes, all this is just practice. I've got an ambition to be a published novelist some day.
Guilty as charged: this was actually two story ideas I decided couldn't stand on their own, so I combined them.
I smell a sequel lead-in ^.^
And a prequel ^.^
Yeah, that is a major weakness of this one. Maybe I should have kept it as two separate fics.
Oh well, what's done is done, and I've got a lot of ideas laying around that are a lot more exciting than re-doing this one!
2012961
Yeah, I was at a loss for what tag to stick on it as well.
Can a story have no tags?
2013016
Too true, probably.
Also too true. ... Not handling emotions enough seems to be a chronic problem of mine.
Oh well, I'll just keep working at it.
But what should it be?
Will do! ^.^
It's a story about Luna and Celestia giving up their Divinity to Twilight and Rainbow, respectively. The author is still pretty new at the gig and needs polish. Don't read his story if you wanna stay original. It's okay, but save it for until after you are done with the Succession idea.
Well, if you ever revisit these ideas, I would suggest trying them on their own. In any case, keep up the good work, I look forward to your next story!
Hmm, so far so good. I'm really surprised this story hasn't gotten very much attention. Well on to the next chapter!!
Edit: Aah, that explains it. Should've checked when this story was published first.
A few problems but nothing serious:
directed here to see The Princess here. You mean, her to see the Princess here.
Still, Princess Celestia wouldn't have brought here here. Same problem, should be, her here.
Would this be the reason Celestia needed to see her? This sentence is grammatically wrong, it should be could, not would.
Well done, this chapter was very enjoyable and well thought out. I might not agree with some of the personalities, but that's just my opinion. Also, i'm sorry for being such a nit-picking grammar nazi, but it might help. On to the next chapter!
Very good, I liked this story a lot. It's original, well thought out and leaves a lot to the imagination. I believe that you could have put a little bit more detail into the main 6's reactions, but nonetheless it is a short and sweet story that I will be thinking about for the next few hours.
2013026
Admittedly, Twilight isn't the easiest character to write for. Her general freakouts have caused me a lot of questioning and revisions before publishing. I think the idea is that you're probably better to err on the side of overplaying Twi than underplaying her, in a situation like this. Her mentor, teacher, second mother, idol and possibly her rockstar crush, depending on your take on Twilestia, just told her that she's dying, and is a fake. She should be a sobbing, hysterical wreck unsure of what she should be trusting in the world. The poor thing would practically need her soul rebuilt by her friends, family or 'Celestia' before she'd be ready for any kind of responsibility.
Of course, there's the possibility of ending it on a more heartwarming, or at least bittersweet note, by exploring the fact that no matter what name or outward appearance 'Celestia' wore, the feelings that she and Twilight shared were real and genuine. But again, there just wasn't time given to explore what could have been an interesting premise.
Dark, maybe. Or sad. 'Celestia' is dying, Twilight will be living a life of lies (up to and including with her brother, apparently), and Equestria is dealing with a huge social problem.
Alternate Universe might be a safe one too, since both major issues are pretty out there in premise, and people might be willing to suspend their disbelief a bit more with the warning of an AU tag in place. Plus it's something you can point at if people complain about it being farfetched!
2012727 You know, it is possible for something to be good even though it violates your own headcanon. And it's also possible to be civil about it. Now, as for that little 'euuuugh', that's the sound of a man who watches cartoon ponies being disguised by a pony who's sometimes a girl. Now, I'll try not to be overly offended by that, I'm sure it's just a knee-jerk reaction to this story's rape of show canon and you have nothing against transgendered people. However, I'd like to point out that it's not the author's fault, the show was dressed like a slut, and she screams like that even when it's consensual, so how was he to know? And yes, he certainly did come early. You might wanna get that checked out.
2013359 I agree with what he says about the canononcity of this story--it raises some major Fridge Logic in several places--but it was still a good read, and he certainly didn't need to be such a jerk about it. But this isn't the first time I've seen him post an obnoxious comment on a good story. The last time he was worked up over the author not using double em-dashes.
Interesting premise and well-executed! Shining's letter in the Epilogue seals it - Twilight's had to keep her secret that long, even from her BBBFF, and once the realization sets in it makes for a heartwrenching moment. The gender issue seems like a subplot, really; this is about Celestia's revelation and Twilight's response, and the rest is secondary.
I freaked out the second time I heard the beans got deep-fried, I read the rest of it in a mixture of shock and disbelief!
I don't normally care for the "sexism in Equestria" spin, and Twilight's decision might have been a bit abrupt for my tastes, but I still like it. I find it kind of funny that the only part that really caught my attention as "not quite right" was how we've actually seen Celestia without her crown...
That's a new spin on the Twilight-succeeding-Celestia tale, with added caveats if I say so. I feel that at some points the story felt quite rushed, but still an enjoyable read. Also, if there was a Youtube in Equestria at that point, I imagine Pinkie Pie would've made the "Epic Meal Time" series with all the deep frying she did.
Poor deluded Shining Armour, though. XD
I liked it. And I'm all for using the show as a springboard for ideas rather than being shackled by the show's intent.
2013639
I was thinking that too, but the enchantment probably only turns off if the pony wearing the regalia removes them. It wouldn't be good if knocking off the crown was all it took to reveal the secret.
Anyway, interesting fic, I like the spin Ocalhoun put on the "princesses as a mantle" story, although poor Luna, 1000 years on the moon and boom you're super old and then die.
Might explain Nightmare Moon better though... Luna: "But I don't WANT to stop being the princess!"
Holy... ummm... wow.
Now this "Alicorn/Princess Twilight" I can get behind.
ಠ_à²
Clearly, someone needs to do a followup TwiLuna story with this.
Wow... this is interesting! I like this!
That last letter had some rather tragic implications.
Wow... this was just... wow...
I could totally see a magical girl like story that portrays Twilight transforming into Princess Celestia. I can even see the transformation.
Gee, now I wonder though... who would be Princess Luna?
This chapter is FULL of awesome!
Especially from Pinkie
"the topping not the pony" was absolutely perfect. and now i have this strange need to find out what anyone would use "industrial strength mayo" for ...
Interesting twist on Celestia and Luna's origins.
Not bad...both concepts are interesting. I just have one major problem, namely that you seem to have been writing two stories. The first seems to be about social inequalities in Equestria, with Twilight finding out about the trials that her brother has gone through because of his gender, which would really have been interesting...had it actually gone anywhere. Instead, you just simply drop it so that you can play with the Princess Twilight storyline that more or less comes out of nowhere. You basically wrote two stories and left one to die an ignominious death on the cutting-room floor. If you're going to run two subplots like this, you should try to structure your story so that both of them receive some form of resolution, even if it is Twilight realizing that attempting to make changes to the status quo is not an easy nor quick task. But just abandoning it like that renders the entire first chapter and the first half of the second chapter utterly pointless, except as a contrivance to get Twilight to come to Canterlot. You basically could have cut-off the first half of your entire story and it would have made no real difference.
Poor Shining!
ALL MY FEELS. ALL OF THEM.
Although I disagree with gender inequality in equestria. (Especially since we don't know how wages are set) But I enjoyed this nonetheless The pacing is good as I read it as a one-shot (read it in one sitting). But splitting up the chapters made me expect it not to just end like that. I suggest combining the first 2 chapters and tagging the letters to the princess (a nice touch, well written) as an epilogue.
Featured!!
2010172 Now this is a new concept never seen before. have a like!
This fic is why we need a "bittersweet" tag on FimFiction
This is really stellar. It's funny, it's serious, there's stealth feels at the end. Truly a great fic in my humble opinion.
2012727
Haha. A RealityCheck comment on a fic and it is a comment in opposition of stuff in the fic. That means it must be a good one. Can always tell a good fic by your dislike of it.
MOAR
>>Alert! Plot Hole Detected!<<
If the crown is part of the transformation, why didn't Celestia revert when it fell off during her battle with Queen Chrysalis?
From what I've seen, sexism isn't as bad as you make it seem. At most, it seems no different than it is in our world, except reversed in regards to which gender is on top.
Finally I have to wonder... how the @#$% did this go from fixing sexism to determining the royal line of succession? That's just... a completely different subject that warrants a completely different story.
Featured!
2014774 Maybe it was a robot?
Umm... its well written but... i cant like it. Its... im finding myself agreeing with some of what RealityCheck said, only im not sure im thinking exactly rational.
So lets preface this that im probably emotional and not completly rational when it comes to this but..honestly?
This crashes. Theres interesting interpretation, and theres canon defilement, and to me, this seems to fall to far into the latter. Part of me wants to scream something about blasphemy or similiar (interesting how such stories were how i as an atheist came to understand that part of religious people), but... cutting of here before this turn into a ragefueled rant.
I think i could pick it apart with canon as others have already attempted, but... not the point.
From an in story perspective, i find the lesson, that the populace has to be lied to for the country to work, to be very questionable. I mean...
"a line of beings holding on to power by pretending to be the same immortal god trough some ancient artifacts" sounds like a group of vilians.
Somehow i want to tell twilight to ask for a bit of time, and then resarch real immortality and actually show up as an immortal alicorn as an in your face to this...pretender.
On an unrelated note, the lead in over gender discrimination, thats on very questionable canon foundations, is also not the best way to lead up to the twist. Not sure what i would use though.
OMG SO SAD!! :( how 'Celestia' will be at the party but not Twilight... his sister, I'm sad that he shining never got to know, does cadence know that Twilight is Celestia now?
Somehow I see Lyra or one of the other background ponies being obsessed with the great royal conspiracy.
It's all a government cover up you see! They've been lying to us for centuries! Twilight knew too much that's why Celestia disappeared her!
2012792 i have to say first, way to handle a troll bro!
I would have liked to see the story fleshed out a little more. There was no real closure with the gender equality issue it just seemed to be brushed under the mat for "yay! i'm a princess now!"
Also while the letters at the end were a nice way to wrap up it felt like an afterthought. Hoping to see more of you on the site!