Rainbow Dash always admired Soarin', not only for his flying skills, but also for his looks. After a long conversation, and a few friends turned aside, Dash is fully under Soarin's control, thanks to an old friend of Rainbow's: Discord. It's up to Twilight Sparkle and her Six Supplemental Elements of Life to banish Discord, and return Rainbow Dash to her normal, loyal self.
Page generated in 0.246 seconds
Total duration
852 users online
1,779,611 hits today, 2,623,277 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Too many walls of text.
When the speaker switches, you should start a new paragraph. Ex:
The premise is good, but you seem to be jumping to the drama too quickly- Soarin' and Dash have only just met.
A few minor grammatical errors, such as misplaced commas, improper capitalization, but nothing too major.
Shows promise. Better review coming soon- I'm on an iPad right now.
archive.heinessen.com/boards/k/img/0124/34/1344625542248.png
I seriously hope you guys don't do this.
Isn't his name technically Soarin, and that's it? Soarin' would be shortened "soaring" hence the '.
2022768
I seem to be finding you all over this site today Liam.
the story plot has promise but i'm afraid your writing is nothing to write home about
you really need to space out the text a bit more, a lack of paragraphs results in a massive wall of text that makes it really hard on ones eyes and people can struggle with following the story.
the plot, again while it has promise, unfortunately is EXTREMELY rushed, you jumped straight into the drama within sentences of dashie and soarin' meeting. need to pace the plot out a bit more.
and when somepony else is talking, you REALLY should start on a new line. otherwise it can get confusing as to who is actually doing the speaking. there were a lot of instances where i was like "
who dafuq is talking?"
aside from all this. again, it shows promise and i will read on. think of these as constructive criticism to use when writing future tales
you jumped the gun......
do not jump the gun....ever.....it never goes well
you went straight from a rainbowdashXsoarin fic, to one involving rainbow dash getting corrupted by discord....even though discord isn't even back
considering the fact that twilight is the element of magic, i think it's safe to say rarity knows full well what twilights cutie-mark signifies and she wouldn't actually say this. it also doesn't have white lace around it either......don't know who's cutie mark you were looking at but it wasn't twilights
this is also rather hypocritical of twilight...considering that the number of ships online involving her cannot be counted by mortal minds
once again, same old nags
walls of text
rushed
start new speakers on different line
img703.imageshack.us/img703/4043/lookatthawwot.png
OK, Here are the basics: New line when new speaker and don't rush things as much.
I like the plot, but you paragraph. I get confused at who's talking. But all in all, I like it!
All non-constructive criticism will be deleted, so watch your step.
All edits have beee made, spacing issues resolved, etc!
This story had a thick plot, but i think you could enhance the detail a little. For example, when the remaining fight between the six elements taken place you could have told us what exactly happened instead of writing it quickly. I think if you took a little more care into this, this could have improved dramatically. Not bad.
Cool story
Nice story
But what happened to rainbow dash and soarin?
But yeah good story
Wha?