How can guilty affect someone? Some don't feel any remorse for their actions, others only apologize when they do bad things and others apologize for things they had never done.
Spike's thinks about his life and how his actions had led to bad consequences.
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Something that actually deserves a sad tag, woah.
Interesting read. Wasn't sure what to expect with a 'dark' tag, in conjunction with it being rated Teen.
I'd have personally just left it with a 'Sad' tag and rated Everyone.
I'm not sure what warranted these two, but I guess whatever floats your boat.
This is your first fic as far as I can see. I didn't realize I'd actually got here before it was even submitted.
It's actually very well written, considering this is your first fic and English isn't your first language. Although there were several slipups with grammar and sentence structuring, I found I could read it without developing a migraine, which made it an enjoyable read. A quick once-over from a proofreader to fix those errors could take a little of your time, but should clear up all those errors easily.
Now for the story.
It's an interesting idea. The entire story is revolving around Spike's thoughts, which is different than most other fics I've seen, however he's really beating himself up a little bit - I kind of felt the desire to intervene and comfort him, but sadly I lack such fourth wall breaking powers. I'm not sure how much I like this as there's no respite at the end, there's no one to comfort him.
My other criticism was that often it felt as if you were just listing some of the episodes, briefly mentioning Spike's thoughts on it, but then you didn't even do it in chronological order. Some of it felt a little out of place when you bounced from the latest episode to the season three premiere, and then back again to 'Spike at your Service'. I feel I might have preferred it had they all been in order.
But enough harsh words. I usually don't start with harsh words. Sorry about that.
I liked how you kept repeating the line 'I'm a... little dragon'. At first I found it slightly repetitive, but as you developed it I feel it really showed how Spike can't make up his mind about how he sees himself, and I felt this was actually really effective. You can really see how divided Spike is.
Another thing I really feel you portrayed well is Spike and Twilight's relationship. You can really see how much Spike loves Twilight from the fic, and you purvey his jealousy and fears brilliantly.
Finally your last line was very well placed. Short, and effective. I enjoyed this.
Considering this is your first fic I'm rather pleased with it. I hope you are as well. Have an upvote.
EDIT: Sorry I couldn't provide a more detailed review. It's 1:30am for me. I should be in bed. I really should. Waking up in 5 hours... Yep, Vexy... you should be in bed... any moment now....
I love this given the depth in emotions, but I hate it for how Spike presents himself. He should not feel that way, it is not wrong to want attention nor is it wrong to want friends. Sorry on that rant I was like that once and I've been deep self loathing.
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I gave the dark tag because of the bad things Spike thinks of himself, but I might take it off. Also the teen tag was just for safety in case someone thought this to be unfit to be tagged for everyone.
This is my first My little pony fanfic (but I've written for other fandoms before). I hope I'm not asking much, but can you point it out for me what I mispelled or used wrong verbs. I initially thought of doing the episodes in order as Spike thinks about what happened in his life, but as I wrote I decided to mix a little bit because some of the subject matters Spike was thinking connected with episodes that came after, so to prevent much repetition about a certain subject, I brought up a few episodes earlier than they should. I can see how that can be weird (I even thought so as I wrote), but I think it's better this way since Spike was reflecting about his life as a whole.
Thank you for your words and I'm glad you enjoyed this story.
I believe you should continue this story. It has so much potential.. I mean, you could perfectly make this whole line(s) of thought(s) into a letter, and make Twilight or someone else find it, and confront Spike with it. Or make up new situations on which he would reflect on, or make another chapter in which he realizes he has done good stuff too, and to not beat himself up.
Spikey Wikey got the bad thoughts again D:
Very moving. :3
You see what you've done writers! DO YOU SEE!?
um.
Also, Decay should be capitalized.
Very good otherwise, just wanted to get those cleared up :3.
Sequel... get Twilight to find this as a letter and have her talk to Spike
you made me cry
While I'm not one for harping on an author to continue a story if they believe it's complete, I've always thought that highly introspective fics like this deserve some degree of resolution, namely the idea of Spike actually confronting Twilight and the others or vice versa over his feelings. However, the ending you have chosen to go with is perfectly valid and wonderfully ambiguous. The fact that so many people are crying for more just goes to show that you pulled it off correctly. So I guess what I want to say is...god job and continue it only if your really want to.
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I'll see if I can find the time tomorrow to run through this fic and quote each mistake.
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thank you so much!
EDIT: In retrospect this would have been easier with Google Docs
List of criticism on grammar and sentence structuring as per the author's request:
Spike is a dragon. A person refers to a human.
or
began*
for* murder
You're using a verb in its past participle form to describe. See my PM. :)
'Despite' means 'In spite of', so the extra of instant needed here. Also, comma.
you drown yourself in food I think. You wouldn't say you drown yourself with water. Also, commas.
unnecessary 'from', and you're repeating yourself a little. Could probably just slice it down to this:
No need for that.
Switching tenses.
Feels like this is missing something.
'The' not needed
came where?
Something needs to separate these two clauses.
I will finish this list later. I'm about a half of the way through and I've gotta dash for college.
Be right back!
Right I'm back. I'll leave that video there for the sake of hollow amusement and to break up the wall of quotes and text.
You're using past tense which is hinting that Spike has now told Twilight in the present. Expel is also a strange word to use in this context, and isn't it Spike's home as well?
You don't get crazy, you go crazy. Don't ask me why, I've no idea xD
Should be past tense here.
This should be continuous. Spike still has nopony else.
love this flick and i agree with you spike is mistreated if you think about it he was never invited to her birthday she never gives a though about how he feels when she goes to hang out with her friends. he feels like this im surpised he has not had a mental breakdown yet or at least exploded yet just because he isnt a main part of the mane six does not mean hes any less loved aww spike <3
I would think he seems about to snap under his own depression, which can lead to very, very bad endings...
Please, continue, give him (Spike) a good end.
You have perfectly documented all of his past sins, a true piece of work if I may add!
This sounds like he's writing a suicide note.
2820398Don't worry, he's not. When I wrote this, I just had in mind that he was breaking down and having some emotitonal issues thinking that everything was his fault.
You should do a sequel where the Mane Six read this!
Spikey poo wake up it's your turn to feed Ruby, After your done I have a special surprise for you my precious scales"
A sequel for this would be amazing!
I'm not sure what this makes me want to do more. Hug spike or punch twilight in the face.
Another day, another sad Spike story.
No matter what, every sad Spike story I read will almost never be dull or repetitive. It'll only remind me always that Spike might think of all of these insecurities, and the question "am I really their friend?" I shed a tear reading this, and feeling his pain.
And in the end, he'll brush it off, move forward, and continue to the best friend he can try to be. All I can say for him is...
good luck and take care