Beatrice Whitewing has always been shadowed by her mothers accomplishments. No matter how hard she worked or how much she managed to accomplish it was never good enough in her mother's eyes. Being the daughter of the highest ranking general doesn't make life easier. Nothing, but perfection was always expected and even then it was never enough. The only thing she ever wanted was for her mother to be proud of her.
How is a mare to attain such approval from a mother so cold that she couldn't even say, "I love you."
Takes place before episode 1.
Chapters (1)
I kind of like it, but what seems extremely strange is the fact you used five paragraphs to describe a main character and her attitude. I expected it to be setting a tone of the environment around her, but as much as I have read, it is merely how others would react to her if confronted at present or what in the near future.
In shorter terms, be less descriptive about characters, maybe a para of five sentences would do.
Reveal more of the characters as the story line progresses. You just entered a trap that many other writers do fall into. You lump every single detail in one area of the main characther, leaving nothing much for readers to appreciate in their minds of her visual aspects and attitudeas the story goes on.It would be term as 'as expected' in reader's mind when action or visual description of her form is brought up again.
Less astute readers would call this main pony an off shot of a Mary Sue. Take for example, references to princess celestia herself of the beauty of her coat whitishness. You could have used another object or subject. Next is her armor. Yes, it is gold, but nothing special there even if she is of higher rank and the way it written along with long descriptiveness of the character contributes more that this is indeed a Mary Sue.
But I don't think so. It is just the over descriptive feel of the character that make her seems as such. If you pace it out instead of lumping it all in five paragraphs, she would be some pony nice to relate to and her beauty of her white coat and her no nonsense attitude would be loved.
Anyway, this is a nice read and I look forward for more. It is rare to read of a fiction incorporating the Guard that touches upon parent and child relationships. A nice change of pace.
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I had some worry about her seeming like a Mary Sue and I feel later on it will start to push even further in that direction. I'd feel weird to edit the story now after publishing, but seeing as she's the focused character I felt obliged to get all the details of her looks out of the way so I could focus on the story.
I'm hoping seeing her evolution from innocence to her current modern self and beyond will make for an interesting character and forgive some things that make her seem more perfect. Though the concept is that she's trying to be a perfectionist and it comes at the cost of emotional trauma and her sanity. I will admit I'm a bit worried.