Pinball_Wizard
Joined 30th Jan, 2013 ·
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No.
2048525 Yes.
2048595
I enjoy constructive criticism such as this.
2048595
Fine.
2048611>>2048618 Good.
Well, I am not much for clopfics, but that didn't stop me from reading this... thing.
First off, dialogue is separated by one line every time a new character speaks. Basic grammar stuff like that, plus some of your paragraphs didn't make sense. As in, you were skipping lines that didn't really need to be skipped.
Second off, this doesn't make much sense. I get it, Rainbow is a submissive pony who likes to be dominated. Well, she wasn't exactly dominated, she was raped. I feel like it has a porno plot. "Here's your pizza" and then they fucked. Only "Fuck you" I punched her and then we fucked. It doesn't make sense that Rainbow wasn't pissed off after being raped. The whole cupcake thing was kind of weird to read, why didn't Rainbow open the door and Spitfire just hit her.
Third, take the time to read over your story. Parts of it were hard to read (mainly because you didn't seperate dialogue) because they were just awkward. Like the sentence didn't read out correctly.
Finally, it is way too damn short. I hate reading half of a story. I understand that some of it was in Cloudsdale, but the fight scene would have been cool to imagine. The sex scene could have been more detailed and longer (Ya ever try to pleasure a woman? They take a long time to even start up). The whole ending felt a little rushed, and really didn't tie up the story very well.
2048744 Now that, my good sir, is constructive criticism. I'll keep that in mind!
2048744 Also, props for Butt Stallion, what a lovely mare she is.
2048759
Butt Stallion is best pony, don't ya know? XD
2048795 Damn right! Now with your comments in mind, I might write this out again. Except this time I won't be tired while I'm doing it. Also not on a touch-pad, that was a bad idea.
2048808
Yea, I couldn't imagine trying to write a story on a touch pad. Also you're welcome, and consider yourself lucky. Sometimes I can be a real asshole.
2048825 You were only nice cause you knew I liked Butt Stallion... Somehow.
2048829
Nope, because this shit ain't terribly stupid, that's why.
2048896 Oh, well that's good too.
2048630
Bad.
Wow cool